Bubba Ho-Tep Quotes
Elvis and JFK, both alive and in nursing homes, fight for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian Mummy.
Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.
JFK: Hey, you're copying my best lines!
Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business.
JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
Elvis: I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.
JFK: Hey, you're copying my best lines!
Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business.
JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
Elvis: I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.
Elvis: [looking up Callie's skirt] The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional, she just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatenin', she didn't mind if I got bird's eye view of her love nest. It was the same to her as a house cat sneakin' a peek. I felt my pecker flutter once, like a pigeon havin' a heart attack, then lay back down and remain limp and still. Of course, these days even a flutter was kinda reassurin'.
Elvis: I was dreamin'. Dreamin' my dick was out and I was checkin' to see if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again. If it had, I was gonna name it after my ex-wife 'cilla and bust it by jackin' off. Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do. Dreams let you think like that. Truth was
[pause]
Elvis: I hadn't had a hard-on in years.
[pause]
Elvis: I hadn't had a hard-on in years.
[after Elvis tells the story of how he switched with Sebastian]
The Nurse: Don't carry it too far. You may just get way out there and not come back.
Elvis: Oh, fuck you!
[Nurse and Callie laugh]
Elvis: Shit! Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
The Nurse: Don't carry it too far. You may just get way out there and not come back.
Elvis: Oh, fuck you!
[Nurse and Callie laugh]
Elvis: Shit! Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
Elvis: So I signed everything over to Sebastian. Except for enough money to sustain me if things got bad. I was determined to make myself a new life. A better one. But me and Sebastian, we had us a deal. If I wanted to trade back, he'd let me. It was all written up in the contract. Thing was, I lost my copy in a barbeque accident.
Callie: But why would you want to leave all that fame, Mr. Presley? All that money?
Elvis: I don't know. 'Cause they got old. The woman I loved - Priscilla - she was gone. The rest of the women... were just women. I mean the music wasn't even mine anymore. I wasn't even me anymore. Just this thing they made up. And my friends... well they were sucking me dry.
Elvis: I don't know. 'Cause they got old. The woman I loved - Priscilla - she was gone. The rest of the women... were just women. I mean the music wasn't even mine anymore. I wasn't even me anymore. Just this thing they made up. And my friends... well they were sucking me dry.
Elvis: Here I was complainin' about loss of pride and how life had treated me, and now I realized... I never had any pride. And much of how life had treated me had been good. The bulk of the bad was my own damn fault. Should've fired Colonel Parker by the time I got in the pictures. Old fart had been a shark and a fool, and I was even a bigger fool for following him. If only I'd treated Priscilla right. If I could've told my daughter I loved her. Always the questions. Never the answers. Always the hopes... never the fulfillments.
[Elvis begins reading an incantation against an unconscious Bubba Ho-Tep from JFK's "Book of Souls"]
Elvis: "You nasty thing from beyond the dead, no matter what you think or do, good things will never come to you. And if evil is your black design, you can bet the goodness of the Light Ones... "
[begins to slow the recitation from disbelief]
Elvis: "... will kick your bad behind"?
[muttering to himself]
Elvis: For chrissake!
[to the heavens]
Elvis: That's it? That's the chant against evil from the "Book of Souls"? Oh yeah, right, boss. And what kind of decoder ring comes with that, man? Shit, it don't even rhyme well!
Bubba Ho-Tep: [regains consciousness, rises, and speaks in ancient Egyptian] Eat the dog dick of Anubis, you ass-wipe!
Elvis: [Sitting down on the wheelchair] It's dog shit!
Elvis: "You nasty thing from beyond the dead, no matter what you think or do, good things will never come to you. And if evil is your black design, you can bet the goodness of the Light Ones... "
[begins to slow the recitation from disbelief]
Elvis: "... will kick your bad behind"?
[muttering to himself]
Elvis: For chrissake!
[to the heavens]
Elvis: That's it? That's the chant against evil from the "Book of Souls"? Oh yeah, right, boss. And what kind of decoder ring comes with that, man? Shit, it don't even rhyme well!
Bubba Ho-Tep: [regains consciousness, rises, and speaks in ancient Egyptian] Eat the dog dick of Anubis, you ass-wipe!
Elvis: [Sitting down on the wheelchair] It's dog shit!
JFK: That's where they took a piece of my brain. They got it back in D.C. in that God damn jar.
[pause]
JFK: I got a little bag of sand up there now.
Elvis: But Jack uhh, no offense but
[pause]
Elvis: President Kennedy was a white man.
JFK: That's how clever they are. They dyed me this color, all over. can you think of a better way to hide the truth than that?
[pause]
JFK: I got a little bag of sand up there now.
Elvis: But Jack uhh, no offense but
[pause]
Elvis: President Kennedy was a white man.
JFK: That's how clever they are. They dyed me this color, all over. can you think of a better way to hide the truth than that?
Elvis: What do I really have left in life but this place? It ain't much of a home, but it's all I got. Well, goddamnit. I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti writin', soul suckin', son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet!
Elvis: That's my daughter.
JFK: I know. We weren't there for our kids when they needed us, were we?
Elvis: Man, if I could just talk to her again... tell her I love her... try and make things right somehow.
JFK: No time for regrets, Elvis. We were the best fathers we could be under the circumstances.
Elvis: Yeah, I guess, no time for regrets. We got business to take care of.
JFK: I know. We weren't there for our kids when they needed us, were we?
Elvis: Man, if I could just talk to her again... tell her I love her... try and make things right somehow.
JFK: No time for regrets, Elvis. We were the best fathers we could be under the circumstances.
Elvis: Yeah, I guess, no time for regrets. We got business to take care of.
