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Elvis and JFK, both alive and in nursing homes, fight for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian Mummy.
Elvis: [to Bubba Ho-Tep] Come and get it, you undead sack of shit.
Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home. JFK: Hey, you're copying my best lines! Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business. JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis? Elvis: I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.
Elvis: No offense, Jack, but President Kennedy was a white man. JFK: They dyed me this color! That's how clever they are!
Elvis: [looking up Callie's skirt] The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional, she just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatenin', she didn't mind if I got bird's eye view of her love nest. It was the same to her as a house cat sneakin' a peek. I felt my pecker flutter once, like a pigeon havin' a heart attack, then lay back down and remain limp and still. Of course, these days even a flutter was kinda reassurin'.
JFK: He had me on the floor and had his mouth over my asshole! Elvis: A shit eater? JFK: I don't think so. He was after my soul. Now you can get that out of any major orifice of a person's body. I read about it. Elvis: Oh, yeah? Where, man? Hustler?
Elvis: I was dreamin'. Dreamin' my dick was out and I was checkin' to see if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again. If it had, I was gonna name it after my ex-wife 'cilla and bust it by jackin' off. Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do. Dreams let you think like that. Truth was [pause] Elvis: I hadn't had a hard-on in years.
Elvis: But what do I care? I got a growth on my pecker.
Elvis: Look, man, do I look like an ichthyologist to you? Big damn bugs, all right? The size of my fist. The size of a peanut butter and banana sandwich. What do I know? I got a growth on my pecker!
Elvis: Uh, Mr. President... You're on the floor. JFK: No shit?
Elvis: Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
Elvis: Even a big bitch cockroach like you should know... never, but never, fuck with the King.
[after Elvis tells the story of how he switched with Sebastian] The Nurse: Don't carry it too far. You may just get way out there and not come back. Elvis: Oh, fuck you! [Nurse and Callie laugh] Elvis: Shit! Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
JFK: I'm thinking with sand here!
Elvis: But I still have my soul. It's still mine. All mine. And the folks up there at Shady Rest... they have theirs, too. And they're gonna keep 'em. Every single one.
Elvis: The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional. She just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatening, she didn't mind if I get a bird's eye view of her love nest. It was same to her as a house cat sneaking a peek.
Elvis: So I signed everything over to Sebastian. Except for enough money to sustain me if things got bad. I was determined to make myself a new life. A better one. But me and Sebastian, we had us a deal. If I wanted to trade back, he'd let me. It was all written up in the contract. Thing was, I lost my copy in a barbeque accident.
Callie: It was nice meeting you, Mr. Presley. Elvis: Get the hell outta here.
Elvis: Man, you are one big, bitch cockroach.
JFK: [showing Elvis his hidden stash of candy bars] Let's get decadent.
[in the washroom stall, looking at hieroglyphics on the wall] JFK: Now this top line translates into, "Pharoah gobbles donkey goobers," and the bottom line, "Cleopatra does the nasty." Elvis: Say what? JFK: Well pretty much, that's the best I can translate it.
Elvis: Where'd old Bubba Ho-Tep go?
JFK: Would you like a Ding-Dong? [Elvis looks towards JFK's crotch] JFK: Oh, I don't mean mine! I mean a chocolate ding-dong. [thoughtful] JFK: Of course mine would be chocolate now that I've been dyed.
Elvis: Look, man, President Johnson's dead. JFK: Shit. That ain't gonna stop him.
Elvis: Shit, Bubba Ho-tep comes out of that creek bed, he's going to come out hungry and pissed. When I try to stop him he's going to shove this paint can up my ass and he's going to shove me and that wheelchair up Jack's ass.
Elvis: Damn straight, he comes in here tonight, I don't want him slapping his lips on my asshole.
Callie: But why would you want to leave all that fame, Mr. Presley? All that money? Elvis: I don't know. 'Cause they got old. The woman I loved - Priscilla - she was gone. The rest of the women... were just women. I mean the music wasn't even mine anymore. I wasn't even me anymore. Just this thing they made up. And my friends... well they were sucking me dry.
Elvis: That's it? I mean, we're investigating a scuttling in the hall, trying to figure out who attacked you last night, and you bring me here to look at stick pictures on the shit house wall, man?
Elvis: Here I was complainin' about loss of pride and how life had treated me, and now I realized... I never had any pride. And much of how life had treated me had been good. The bulk of the bad was my own damn fault. Should've fired Colonel Parker by the time I got in the pictures. Old fart had been a shark and a fool, and I was even a bigger fool for following him. If only I'd treated Priscilla right. If I could've told my daughter I loved her. Always the questions. Never the answers. Always the hopes... never the fulfillments.
Elvis: Kemosabe was dead of a ruptured heart before he hit the floor. Gone down and out with both guns blazing. Soul intact.
[Elvis begins reading an incantation against an unconscious Bubba Ho-Tep from JFK's "Book of Souls"] Elvis: "You nasty thing from beyond the dead, no matter what you think or do, good things will never come to you. And if evil is your black design, you can bet the goodness of the Light Ones... " [begins to slow the recitation from disbelief] Elvis: "... will kick your bad behind"? [muttering to himself] Elvis: For chrissake! [to the heavens] Elvis: That's it? That's the chant against evil from the "Book of Souls"? Oh yeah, right, boss. And what kind of decoder ring comes with that, man? Shit, it don't even rhyme well! Bubba Ho-Tep: [regains consciousness, rises, and speaks in ancient Egyptian] Eat the dog dick of Anubis, you ass-wipe! Elvis: [Sitting down on the wheelchair] It's dog shit!
Elvis: I was goin' down for the last count. And I knew it.
JFK: That's where they took a piece of my brain. They got it back in D.C. in that God damn jar. [pause] JFK: I got a little bag of sand up there now. Elvis: But Jack uhh, no offense but [pause] Elvis: President Kennedy was a white man. JFK: That's how clever they are. They dyed me this color, all over. can you think of a better way to hide the truth than that?
Elvis: Oh yeah, that's something to worry about all right. JFK: Listen here. Listen. I know you're Elvis. There was a rumor, you know, that you hated me. But I thought about that. If you hated me, you could've finished me off the other night.
Elvis: Is there finally and really anything to life other than food, shit and sex?
Elvis: It's time for A-C-T-I-O-N!
Elvis: Your soul suckin' days are over, amigo!
Elvis: Where'd my youth go? Why didn't fame hold off old age and death? Why the hell did I leave the fame in the first place and do I want it back, and could I have it back? And if I could, would it make any damned difference?
Elvis: Poor Bull. In the end... does anything really matter?
Elvis: You fuck off ya patronizin bitch! I'm sick'a yer shit! I'll lube my own crankshaft from now on. You treat me like a baby again I'll wrap this goddamn walker right around yer head!
Elvis: In the movies, I always played the heroic types. But when the stage lights went out, it was time for drugs, and stupidity, and the coveting of women. Now it's time. Time to be a little of what I had always fantasized of bein' - a hero.
JFK: [He just got his soul sucked out by Bubba Ho-Tep] The president is soon dead!
Elvis: Jack wait. Marilyn. [JFK looks at him funny] Elvis: Come on, Marilyn Monroe? How was she in the sack? JFK: That is classified information! Top Secret! But between you and me... Wow!
Elvis: Now the two key words for tonight - "caution" and "flammable". JFK: Also "watch your ass".
Elvis: You got Ding Dongs, man? JFK: I've Ding Dongs, Paydays and a whole *box* of Baby Ruths. Elvis: Oh, mama. [JFK opens a dresser drawer filled with goodies] JFK: So, what'll be? Let's get decadent. Elvis: [Smiling] I'll have a Baby Ruth.
Elvis: [looking at himself in the mirror, thinking] How could I have gone from the king of rock'n'roll to this? An old guy in a restroom in East Texas with a *growth* on his pecker.
Elvis: It'd been two presidential elections since I'd had a boner like that.
Elvis: Shitty pictures man. Every single one.
Elvis: My own daughter... lost long ago to me... if she knew I lived, would she come and see me? Would she even care?
Elvis: Problem is, he had a bad heart. He liked drugs, too. Liked them more than I did.
Elvis: Don't make me use my stuff on ya, baby!
Elvis: My God, man. How long have I been here? Am I really awake, or am I just dreamin' I'm awake? How could my plans have gone so wrong?
Elvis: You could've come and seen him. They don't charge you for that.
Elvis: It's a cancer. They're keeping it from me 'cause I'm old, and to them it doesn't matter. They think age will kill me first, and they're probably right. Well, suck them! I know what it is, and if it isn't... it might as well be.
Elvis: What do I really have left in life but this place? It ain't much of a home, but it's all I got. Well, goddamnit. I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti writin', soul suckin', son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet!
[last lines] Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Elvis: That's my daughter. JFK: I know. We weren't there for our kids when they needed us, were we? Elvis: Man, if I could just talk to her again... tell her I love her... try and make things right somehow. JFK: No time for regrets, Elvis. We were the best fathers we could be under the circumstances. Elvis: Yeah, I guess, no time for regrets. We got business to take care of.
Bubba Ho-Tep: [subtitled from the hieroglyphics] By the unwinking red eye of Ra!
Elvis: T.C.B., baby.
Elvis: I got tired of it. I was hooked on pills, you know. I wanted out.