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Two criminals, Keats and Moses, end their friendship when Keats turns out to be an undercover cop. Years later the two are forced to work together when Keats is assigned to protect Moses as a witness.
Archie Moses: This is a '70s porno. You know how I can tell? Because the guy's dick has sideburns.
Archie Moses: Wow, Awesome! They got porno!
Archie Moses: See that, your head hurts 'cus you feel guilty. Keats: My head hurts 'cus you shot me in it!
Cop: Sir, have you had anything to drink today? Archie Moses: [drunk] I had about a half a beer, the dog had a lot.
Archie Moses: [Trying to escape out of the window in the shower, Keats puts his gun in his ass] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH! Keats: Let me guess. You dropped the soap! Archie Moses: Please take that thing out of my ass. Keats: [Charlie, the motel manager looks up and sees them] I want you on the bed. Now.
Archie Moses: You wank off a lot? Chuck: What's a lot? Archie Moses: You know, you got 5 minutes off, slip into one of the rooms, pull down your lil' panty's wack it.
Archie Moses: I see you've got porno here Chuck: Yes, we have an excellent selection Archie Moses: Good I like the porn Chuck: Well, good
Archie Moses: I don't like your God. Your God scares me.
Archie Moses: I saved our fuckin' life!
Archie Moses: [singing] And I will always love you... Keats: WILL YOU SHUT UP? SHUT THE HELL UP!
Traci: Jack, Colton made me do it. He would've killed me if I hadn't done it... Archie Moses: Ooh, watch it now, Keats, l she's playin' you. Traci: But then I fell in love with you. Archie Moses: But... then I fell... shut the fuck up! Traci: I swear to God I did! Archie Moses: Ah, she's lyin' out her devil ass! Traci: Will you shut the fuck up? Archie Moses: Why don't you make me? [she knocks the gun out of his hand and punches him, sending him down the stairs] Archie Moses: Jesus... I gotta learn how to fight; this is pathetic.
Archie Moses: You can't stop fucking me over, can you?
Archie Moses: I got piss on me!
Archie Moses: Hey, Man! What are you doing? You just wasted good weed!
Archie Moses: You'd better not kill me, man, I've got shit to do tomorrow!
Archie Moses: In actuality, I was hitting on her harder than you think, motherfucker! So why don't you step the fuck back before I bitch slap your fucking heiney!