Burke and Hare

Burke and Hare Quotes

A black comedy about two 19th century grave robbers who find a lucrative business providing cadavers for an Edinburgh medical school.

William Burke: I had confidence in a fart once, and I shat all over myself.
Hangman: [after Burke's execution] I know he seemed like a nice guy and all that, and I suppose you have to respect the fact that he made the ultimate sacrifice for love, but he did kill all those people just for money. And that's just evil.
[the Hangman is given a sack of coins as payment for the execution]
Hangman: Thank you.
Doctor Robert Knox: That's the third rotter I've had from McTavish and his gang of grave robbers in the last three weeks.
[sighs]
Doctor Robert Knox: I can't go on like this.
Patterson: Is there anything I can do Doctor?
Doctor Robert Knox: You could start praying, Patterson, for the one thing that could save us.
Patterson: And what's that sir?
Doctor Robert Knox: An enormous and awful calamity right here in Edinburgh. An accident or a - or a natural disaster. Something which generates the large numbers of cadavers I need for my work.
Patterson: Wouldn't that be nice sir?
Old Joseph: I remember. Old Nosey was there himself. He says, "Stand up, guards. Now, Maitland, now's your time." And over we go, fightin', fightin' the Frogs. Did I ever tell you about the time...
[coughs wetly]
Old Joseph: the time...
[coughs]
Old Joseph: I saw the man, the wee man himself, Napoleon? Aye, it were a treat.
[laughs]
Old Joseph: And that idiotic hat.
William Burke: She is an actress, not a whore.
William Hare: What's the difference?
Lucky: [taking a swig of beer] Forgive me father, I know not what I do.
Doctor Monro: And your new students, are they enjoying your lectures?
Doctor Robert Knox: Er, not as much as I understand they're enjoying your wife,sir.
Doctor Monro: [after blood spurts from a corpse onto a horrified onlooker] That... would be an artery.
William Burke: Six years in the Donegal Militia I don't get a scratch. Three hours as a grave robber I get shot in the arse.
Doctor Robert Knox: This man's untimely and premature death was, as should be fairly obvious to all of you, the direct result of gluttony!
[wobbles the corpses stomach ]
Lord Harrington: Whomsoever he determines has made the greatest advances in the field of medicine will be awarded the Royal Seal, and a handsome monetary reward.
Doctors: [in unison] Mmmm!
Ginny Hawkins: I played Agnes in Moliere's "School for Wives" at the Garrick Theatre in London... then times got tough and I branched out into... physical theatre.
William Burke: Ah, like acrobatics?
Ginny Hawkins: ...Sometimes.
McMartin's Doorman: You're not coming in wearing those.
Nicephore: [looks at his shoes] But they are French.
McMartin's Doorman: Exactly. So sling your hook.
Nicephore: Pardon?
McMartin's Doorman: Sling your hook.
Nicephore: Hooook?
McMartin's Doorman: Your hook, sling it.
McMartin's Doorman: I'll not explain myself again. Mr. Wordsworth is already in the club.
William Wordsworth: That cannot be, I am he, newly returned from my tour of the continent.
Samuel Coleridge: And I am Samuel Coleridge.
McMartin's Doorman: Aye. And I'm Robbie fuckin' Burns! Now piss off, the both ofyouse!
William Hare: I thought life round here was supposed to be cheap.
Fergus: It is. But the price rockets once you're dead.
Patterson: I'm sorry to disturb you Doctor but there are two men outside to see you. They appear to have a herring barrel with them.
Doctor Robert Knox: I have no taste for herring Patterson. Send them away.
Patterson: I believe there's something else in the herring barrel Doctor.
William Hare: [to the unconscious Joseph] Are ye alright Joseph?
Old Joseph: [suddenly waking] Do I look alright you bleeding Irish bastard?

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