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A disk containing the memoirs of a CIA agent ends up in the hands of two unscrupulous gym employees who attempt to sell it.
[last lines] CIA Superior: What did we learn, Palmer? CIA Officer: I don't know, sir. CIA Superior: I don't fuckin' know either. I guess we learned not to do it again. CIA Officer: Yes, sir. CIA Superior: I'm fucked if I know what we did. CIA Officer: Yes, sir, it's, uh, hard to say CIA Superior: Jesus Fucking Christ.
Osbourne Cox: I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon. Compared to you we ALL have a drinking problem!
Chad Feldheimer: [on the phone] Osbourne Cox? I thought you might be worried... about the security... of your shit.
Osbourne Cox: If you ever carried out your proposed threat you would experience such a shitstorm of consequences my friend your empty little head would be spinning faster than the wheels of your Schwinn bicycle back there. Chad Feldheimer: [laughing] You think that's a Schwinn!
Harry Pfarrer: You work for Tuchman Marsh? Tuchman Marsh Man: Yes. Harry Pfarrer: Is that a law firm? Tuchman Marsh Man: No, a rock band - yes it's a law firm...
Osbourne Cox: No. No, I'm sorry, I don't know the number to, uh, my savings account because believe it or not I don't spend my entire day sitting around trying to memorize the fucking numbers to my fucking bank accounts! Moron!
Krapotkin: This is Mr Krapotkin from the Russian embassy. Linda Litzke: Mr Crapkin... Is this a secure line? Krapotkin: Are you joking?
CIA Superior: The Russians? CIA Officer: Mmm-hmm. CIA Superior: The Russians? CIA Officer: Mmm-hmm, Russian Embassy. CIA Superior: Are you sure? CIA Officer: Hey, the guy was not hard to follow, as you know. CIA Superior: Why the fuck would they go to the Russians? Why the fuck?
Osbourne Cox: And you're my wife's lover? Ted Treffon: [shaking his head] No. Osbourne Cox: Then what are you doing here? [pause] Osbourne Cox: I know you. You're the guy from the gym. Ted Treffon: I'm not here representing HardBodies. Osbourne Cox: Oh, yes. I know very well what you represent. [pause] Osbourne Cox: You represent the idiocy of today. Ted Treffon: No, I don't represent that either. Osbourne Cox: Yeah. You're the guy at the gym when I asked about that moronic woman. Ted Treffon: She's not a moron. Osbourne Cox: You're in league with that moronic woman. You are part of a league of morons. Ted Treffon: No. No. Osbourne Cox: Oh, yes. You see, you're one of the morons I've been fighting my whole life. My whole fucking life. But guess what... Today, I win. [gun shot]
CIA Officer: We'll... interface with the FBI on this dead body. CIA Superior: No, no. God no. We don't need those idiots fucking everything up. Burn the body. Get rid of it. CIA Officer: OK.
Harry Pfarrer: Go around the corner, we'll do it in the back. Katie Cox: You're so coarse. Harry Pfarrer: Back of the car... not the... rear-entry situation...
[repeated line] Osbourne Cox: What the fuck...?
[after having found a CD they believe contains files of the CIA] Linda Litzke: You should put up a note in the ladies locker room. Chad Feldheimer: Put up a note? "Highly classified shit found: Signal intelligence shit, CIA shit?" Hello, anybody lose their secret CIA shit? I don't think so!
Harry Pfarrer: Oh my fuck... I just killed a fucking spook!
Chad Feldheimer: Osbourne Cox? Osbourne Cox: Yes, this is Osbourne Cox, who the FUCK are YOU?
Chad Feldheimer: This is some heavy shit. Linda Litzke: Is that my date list? Chad Feldheimer: No, fuck. Linda Litzke: You know, I'm trying to reinvent myself, and these procedures, which are so incredibly not cheap... What is that? Chad Feldheimer: I can't believe this. This is like intelligence shit. Ted Treffon: I'm not comfortable with this. Chad Feldheimer: This is like... I can't believe this shit I'm seeing. Ted Treffon: Manolo found it. Manolo: On the floor there. Chad Feldheimer: Yeah. Manolo found like this CD just lying in a locker, a locker floor, ladies' locker. I'm like, "What, someone's music or what?" And I come in here, and it's these files, man. Ted Treffon: I'm not comfortable with this. Chad Feldheimer: Talking about SIGINT and signals and shit and... "Signals" means "code", you know. Manolo: It was just lying there. Chad Feldheimer: Talking here about department heads and their names and shit. And then there's these other files that are just, like, numbers. Arrayed. Numbers and dates and numbers and numbers and dates.And numbers and... I think that's the shit, man... The raw intelligence. Ted Treffon: I'm not touching this. I want this out of here. Chad Feldheimer: Just throw it out? Linda Litzke: No. You can't do that. You should put up a note in the ladies' locker room. Chad Feldheimer: Put up a note? "Highly classified shit found?" "Signals intelligence shit? CIA shit?" "Hello! Did anybody lose their secret CIA shit?" I don't think so. Ted Treffon: I don't know, you figure it out, but I'm not comfortable with this, and I want this out of Hardbodies. We're running a gym here. God. Chad Feldheimer: Manolo, you didn't find this. Manolo: I found it on the floor there. Chad Feldheimer: Yeah, I know, but... Manolo: Right there on the floor there. Just lying there.
Katie Cox: Do you think that's enough carrots? Harry Pfarrer: What? Katie Cox: For the salad? Harry Pfarrer: You know you really are a negative person. Katie Cox: What? Harry Pfarrer: Yeah. I've tried to ignore it. To remain upbeat. You just can't help dragging everything down. Katie Cox: Harry, stop the foolishness and behave. You're not talking to one of your *shithole* buddies.
CIA Superior: Report back to me when it makes sense.
Krapotkin: [think a few seconds] PC or MAC?
Osbourne Cox: Some clown, or two clowns, have gotten a hold of my memoirs. Katie Cox: Your what? Osbourne Cox: Stolen it, or I don't know... Katie Cox: Your what? Osbourne Cox: My memoirs, the book I'm writing. Katie Cox: Well why in God's name would anyone think that's worth anything?
Harry Pfarrer: Ya wanna come downstairs? Ya like surprises? Linda Litzke: [cheerful] Well, I'm always open to new experiences. Harry Pfarrer: [walking downstairs] Yeah, I tell ya. I saw an ad for this in a gentlemen's magazine. Twelve hundred bucks. I'm lookin' at this thing and I think, 'You gotta be kiddin' me.' I'm a hobbyist. Thing's basically nothing but speed rails. I figure I'd go down to Home Depot and whip this up myself for... a hundred bucks. Linda Litzke: What is it? Harry Pfarrer: What is it? [pats the seat of the mechanism] Harry Pfarrer: You sit down there, make yourself comfortable, put your feet in the stirrups, and... [cycles the mechanism] Linda Litzke: Oh my God. [awed whisper] Linda Litzke: That's fantastic. Harry Pfarrer: It's something, isn't it? Hundred bucks, all in - not counting my labor, and the... cost of the dildo. Those things aren't cheap. See, I'd like to... [pause] Harry Pfarrer: ...I'm not set up to mold hard rubber.
[repeated line] Chad Feldheimer: [excited] Oh, my God!
Osbourne Cox: Give me the CD! Chad Feldheimer: As soon as you give us the money, dickwad!
Chad Feldheimer: That's just a kryptonite lock. You can open those fuckers with a bic pen.
CIA Superior: Where is the, uh, the treasury guy? Pfarrer? CIA Officer: Right now? CIA Superior: Right now. CIA Officer: Um, he is in a detention room at Washington Dulles. CIA Superior: Why? CIA Officer: He was trying to board a flight to Venezuela. We had his name on a hot list, the CB people pulled him in, uh. Don't know why he was going to Venezuela. CIA Superior: You don't know? CIA Officer: No, sir. CIA Superior: We have no extradition with Venezuela. CIA Officer: Oh. So what should we do with him? CIA Superior: For fuck's sake, put him on the next flight to Venezuela! CIA Officer: Yes, sir. Okay. CIA Superior: Okay. So, the gym manager is dead. CIA Officer: Yes, sir. CIA Superior: The body is? CIA Officer: Tha-that's gone, sir. CIA Superior: Okay. CIA Officer: Um, but there was a, um, snag. CIA Superior: What? CIA Officer: Well, um. This analyst, Cox, was attacking the gym guy. It was in broad daylight, on the street. Our man, uh, did not know what to do. He felt he had to step in. CIA Superior: Yes? CIA Officer: He, um, he shot the analyst. He shot Cox. CIA Superior: Good. Great! Is he dead? CIA Officer: No, sir. He's in a coma. [CIA Superior grimaces] CIA Officer: They don't think he's gonna make it. They don't-they don't think, they're pretty sure he has no brain function. CIA Superior: Okay. Okay. If he wakes up we'll worry about it then. Jesus, what a clusterfuck.
[repeated line] Chad Feldheimer: [raspy voice] Osbourne Cox?
Star of "Coming Up Daisy": [repeated line from the movie within the movie] we've been over, and over, and over this, first you say you can't commit, and then... would you come down from there?
Osbourne Cox: We were young and committed and there was nothing we could not do. We thought of the Agency less... Um... The principles of George Kennan, a personal hero of mine, like the fabled Murrow's Boys, at a time of...
Harry Pfarrer: Twenty years of Marshal Service, I never discharged my gun. Osbourne Cox: That sounds like something you ought to be telling your psychologist.
Linda Litzke: I'm really looking for a guy with a sense of humor. Chad Feldheimer: That guy, wait, that guy wasn't bad. Linda Litzke: Him? Chad Feldheimer: No before. Linda Litzke: Him? Chad Feldheimer: Umm, he might not be a loser... Linda Litzke: How can you tell? Chad Feldheimer: That's a Brioni suit. Linda Litzke: Yeah? Chad Feldheimer: Shit yeah! Linda Litzke: Does he look like he would have a sense of humor? Chad Feldheimer: Looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor.
CIA Superior: What a clusterfuck!
[repeated line] Harry Pfarrer: Well, hello!
Harry Pfarrer: Maybe I can get a run in.
Palmer DeBakey Smith, CIA Officer: [first lines - greeting his arrival] Ozzie, come on in. Osbourne Cox: Palmer, what's up? Palmer DeBakey Smith, CIA Officer: Uh, you know, uh, Peck and Olson? Osbourne Cox: Peck yes, hi ya... Palmer DeBakey Smith, CIA Officer: Olson by reputation. Osbourne Cox: [to Olson] I'm Osbourne Cox. Olson: Yeah, I, mmm... Osbourne Cox: Aren't you with... Palmer DeBakey Smith, CIA Officer: Ya, that's right. Have a seat. Palmer DeBakey Smith, CIA Officer: Look Oz, look, there's no easy way to say this: We're taking you off the Balkans Desk.
Chad Feldheimer: Manolo, you DIDN'T find this. Manolo: I found it on the floor there. Chad Feldheimer: Yeah, I know. But... Manolo: Right there on the floor there. Just lying there.
CIA Superior: For now just keep an eye on everyone. See what they do. CIA Officer: Yes, sir. And we'll interface with the FBI on this dead body. CIA Superior: No, no. God no. We don't want those idiots bumbling around in this. Burn the body. Get rid of it. And, uh, keep an eye on everyone. See what they do. Report back to me when, uh, I don't know, when it makes sense.
Krapotkin: Madam, you are mistaken. I'm Assistant Cultural Attaché. The organs of State Security are not allowed to function within the borders of your country. Linda Litzke: Organs?
Harry Pfarrer: Who the fuck do you work for, you fucker?
Osbourne Cox: [on phone] Tell Dr. Cox I have the new keys! [Osbourne hangs up, and picks up a hatchet]
Chad Feldheimer: And [takes a piece of paper out of his pocket] Chad Feldheimer: I got his number! I got his number!
Linda Litzke: [to Chad] The fish has bitten!
Ted Treffon: Linda, what do you really know about this guy? Linda Litzke: I told you, he's in the Treasury Department. Ted Treffon: But eh, no, I mean, you know... he could be one of these guys that cruises the Internet. Linda Litzke: Yeah, so am I...
Harry Pfarrer: [Looks at floor] What is this? Pine?
Chad Feldheimer: Appearances can be... deceptive.
Ted Treffon: You're a beautiful woman. You don't need... Linda Litzke: I've gone about as far as I can go with this body, Ted. Ted Treffon: I think it's a beautiful - It's not a phony-baloney Hollywood body. Linda Litzke: That's right Ted, I would be laughed out of Hollywood. I have very limited breasts, a ginormous ass, and I've got this gut that swings back and forth in front of me like a shopping cart with a bent wheel. Ted Treffon: You know, there a lot of guys out there who would like you just the way you are. Linda Litzke: Yeah, losers.
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