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Romance and suspense in Paris, as a woman is pursued by several men who want a fortune her murdered husband had stolen. Who can she trust?
Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Cruikshank...? Adam Canfield: Yes. Reggie Lampert: But you're divorced. Adam Canfield: No... Reggie Lampert: [Regina's face falls] Oh. Adam Canfield: [Brian/Adam gets out his wallet to show her the picture] My mother, she lives in Detroit, you'd like her, she'd like you too.
Reggie Lampert: Of course, you won't be able to lie on your back for a while but then you can lie from any position, can't you?
Reggie Lampert: Well, wasn't it Shakespeare that said, "When strangers do meet in far off lands, they should e'er long see each other again"? Peter Joshua: Shakespeare never said that! Reggie Lampert: How do you know? Peter Joshua: It's terrible. You just made it up. Reggie Lampert: Well, it sounds right...
Reggie Lampert: You're blocking my view. Peter Joshua: Ohh... which view would you prefer? Reggie Lampert: The one you're blocking.
Peter Joshua: [opening the phone booth to see Regina] [Regina screams] Peter Joshua: What are you doing in here? Reggie Lampert: I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Alexander Dyle: All right, get set for the story of my life. Reggie Lampert: Fiction or non-fiction?
Peter Joshua: Do we know each other? Reggie Lampert: Why, do you think we're going to? Peter Joshua: How would I know? Reggie Lampert: Because I already know an awful lot of people, so until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else. Peter Joshua: Well, if anyone goes on the critical list, let me know.
Alexander Dyle: What do I have to do to satisfy you? Become the next victim? Reggie Lampert: That's a start anyway.
Sylvie: It is infuriating that your unhappiness does not turn to fat!
Reggie Lampert: So it's goodbye Alexander Dyle and welcome home Peter Joshua. Adam Canfield: [shakes his head] Sorry the name is Adam Canfield. Reggie Lampert: Adam Canfield? Wonderful! Do you realize you've had three names in the past two days? I don't even know who I'm talking to any more!
Adam Canfield: Well, what did you expect me to say? That a pretty girl with an outrageous manner means more to an old pro like me than a quarter of a million dollars? Reggie Lampert: I don't suppose so. Adam Canfield: Well, it's a toss-up, I can tell you that. Reggie Lampert: What did you say? Adam Canfield: Hasn't it occurred to you that I'm having a tough time keeping my hands off you? [Regina is stunned] Adam Canfield: Oh, you should see your face. Reggie Lampert: What's the matter with it? Adam Canfield: It's lovely. [Regina drops her knife and fork] Adam Canfield: What's the matter now? Reggie Lampert: I'm not hungry anymore; isn't it glorious?
[Gideon is looking at Charles' body in the coffin and begins to sneeze violently] Sylvie Gaudel: He must've known Charles pretty well. Reggie Lampert: How can you tell? Sylvie Gaudel: He's allergic to him.
[Touching the cleft in his chin] Reggie Lampert: How do you shave in there?
Reggie Lampert: I'm in the book. Peter Joshua: Are you? Reggie Lampert: Charles is. Peter Joshua: Is there only one Charles Lampert? Reggie Lampert: Lord I hope so!
Inspector Grandpierre: Tell me, Mister Dyle. Where were you at 3:30 a.m.? Adam Canfield: In my room. Asleep. Inspector Grandpierre: And you, Mrs. Lampert? Reggie Lampert: I was, too. Inspector Grandpierre: In Mister Dyle's room? Reggie Lampert: No, in my room. Inspector Grandpierre: Obviously you're telling the truth, for why would you invent such a ridiculous story?
Reggie Lampert: This is a ludicrous situation. I can think of a dozen men who are just longing to use my shower.
Adam Canfield: Heroin, peppermint-flavored heroin.
Peter Joshua: Why do you think Tex did it? Reggie Lampert: Because I really suspect Gideon and it's always the person you don't suspect. Peter Joshua: Do women find it feminine to be so illogical, or can't they help it?
Reggie Lampert: Brian Crookshank. Serves me right if I get stuck with that one. Brian Crookshank: Well, who asked you to get stuck with any of them?
[Tearing filter off cigarette] Reggie Lampert: I can't stand these things... it's like drinking coffee through a veil.
[the third murder has just been discovered] Inspector Grandpierre: Three of them. All in their pyjamas? C'est ridicule! What is it, some new American fad?
Hamilton Bartholomew: [watching Reggie light another one of his cigarettes, immediately after snuffing one out she had barely puffed] Do you know what these things cost over here?
Reggie Lampert: [explaining a puppet show] The man and woman are married. Peter Joshua: I can see that. They're batting each other over the head.
Reggie Lampert: Come in. I've got something that stings like crazy. Alexander Dyle: You're the kind of girl who'd have something like that.
Reggie Lampert: Here it comes, the fatherly talk. You forget I'm already a widow. Peter Joshua: Well, so was Juliet, at fifteen. Reggie Lampert: I'm not fifteen. Peter Joshua: Well, that's your trouble. You're too old for me.
Reggie Lampert: Not until you proof to me that you're really Brian Crookshank. Brian Crookshank: All right, one day next week I'll put it on a marriage license. How about that...? Reggie Lampert: [interrupting] Quit stalling. I want some identification, now! Brian Crookshank: I wouldn't lie on a license. I could go to jail... Reggie Lampert: [interrupting] You can't prove it to me, can you? You're still trying to - Marriage license! Did you say marriage license? Brian Crookshank: Now don't change the subject, just give me the stamps. Reggie Lampert: Oh! Oh, I love you Adam, Alex, Peter, Brian, whatever your name is. Oh, I love you. I hope we have a lot of boys and we can name them all after you. Brian Crookshank: Before we start that, may I have the stamps?
[first lines] Jean-Louis Gaudet: Oh, la! Reggie Lampert: Don't tell me, you didn't know it was loaded. Sylvie! Oh. Can't he do something constructive, like start an avalanche or something?
Peter Joshua: How about making me vice president in charge of cheering you up?
Alexander Dyle: [Reggie is sitting on his lap and kissing him] Reggie, cut it out. Reggie Lampert: OK. [stops kissing him] Alexander Dyle: Well now what are you doing? Reggie Lampert: Cutting it out. Alexander Dyle: Who told you to do that? Reggie Lampert: You did. Alexander Dyle: Oh I'm not through protesting yet. Reggie Lampert: [smirks] Oh. [resumes kissing him] Alexander Dyle: Cut it out. Reggie Lampert: Alex, I think I love you. [They kiss]
Peter Joshua: Well, here we are. Reggie Lampert: Where? Peter Joshua: On the street where you live.
Inspector Grandpierre: We use the guillotine in this country. I have always imagined that the blade, coming down, causes no more than a slight tickling sensation on the back of the neck. It is only a guess, of course. I hope none of you ever finds out for certain.
Reggie Lampert: [pondering] Is there a Mrs. Dyle? Alexander Dyle: Yes... [Reggie's face drops] Alexander Dyle: but we're divorced! Reggie Lampert: [Reggie smirks] I thought that was Peter Joshua? Alexander Dyle: I am just as difficult to live with as he was.
Reggie Lampert: We'll have lots of sons and name them all after you.
Adam Canfield: We didn't steal it, there's no law against stealing stolen money. Reggie Lampert: Of course there is! Adam Canfield: There is? Reggie Lampert: Yes! Adam Canfield: When did they pass such a silly law?
Reggie Lampert: Do you know what's wrong with you? Peter Joshua: No, what? Reggie Lampert: Nothing!
Tex Panthollow: She batted them pretty little eyes at you, and you fell for it like an egg from a tall chicken!
Reggie Lampert: Any minute now we could be assassinated. Would you do anything like that? Peter Joshua: What, assassinate someone? Reggie Lampert: No, swing down from there on a rope to save the woman you love. Like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Peter Joshua: [turns and sees Notre Dame] What? Who put that there?
Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Joshua? Peter Joshua: Yes, but we are divorced. Reggie Lampert: Oh, that wasn't a proposal. I'm just curious.
Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Canfield? Adam Canfield: Yes... Adam Canfield, Reggie Lampert: [both] But we're divorced.
Peter Joshua: Is there a Mr. Lampert? Reggie Lampert: Yes. Peter Joshua: Good for you. Reggie Lampert: No it isn't, I'm getting a divorce. Peter Joshua: Please! Not on my account.
Leopold Gideon: Well, you know I'd tell you if I had it. Tex Panthollow: Oh *naturally*, just like I'd tell you if I had it. Leopold Gideon: *Naturally*. And that goes for Herman too. Tex Panthollow, Leopold Gideon: *Naturally*.
[after Dyle sees Herman Scobie hanging from the edge of the building] Alexander Dyle: How are you doing? Herman Scobie: HOW DO YOU THINK? Alexander Dyle: If you get bored, try writing 'Love Thy Neighbor' a hundred times on the side of the building!
Jean-Louis Gaudet: Are you a real cowboy? Tex Panthollow: Sure am, kid. Jean-Louis Gaudet: So where's your gun? [Tex takes out his gun and twirls it] Leopold Gideon: Will you put that thing away!
Reggie Lampert: Which one are you? Peter Joshua: A truthful white-foot. Reggie Lampert: Come in. Sit down. Peter Joshua: Why, do you want to look at my feet? Reggie Lampert: Yes. [sits on his lap]
[last lines] Brian Crookshank: Before we start that, can I have the stamps?
Inspector Grandpierre: This nose tells me when you are lying. It is never mistaken, not in 23 years. This nose will make me commissioner of police.
Reggie Lampert: I'm sorry I thought you were the murderer.
Reggie Lampert: Silvie, I am going to get a divorce. Sylvie: From Charles? Reggie Lampert: He's the only one husband I have.
Reggie Lampert: Hello, Mr. Dyle. Alexander Dyle: Reggie? Reggie Lampert: Well, that's the only name I've got.
Herman Scobie: Now we wait. With our mouths shut. Alexander Dyle: [yawns] Sorry about that.
Adam Canfield: Wow, when you come on, you come on, don't you? Reggie Lampert: Oh, come on!
Reggie Lampert: Why do people have to tell lies? Peter Joshua: Usually it's because they want something. They are afraid the truth won't get it for them.
Man in Elevator: I bluffed the Old Man out of the last pot. With a pair of deuces. Man in Elevator: What's so depressing about that? Man in Elevator: Well, I mean, if I can do it, what are the Russians doing to him?
Sylvie: I don't understand. Why do you want a divorce? Reggie Lampert: Because I don't love him and he doesn't love me. Sylvie: That's no reason to get a divorce!
Reggie Lampert: You know, I can't help feeling sorry for Scobie. Wouldn't it be nice if we were like that? Peter Joshua: What, like Scobie? Reggie Lampert: No, Gene Kelly.
Hamilton Bartholomew: I've got something here. I've got liverwurst, liverwurst, chicken, and liverwurst. Reggie Lampert: No, thank you.
Sylvie: That's no reason to get a divorce! With a rich husband and this year's clothes, you won't find it difficult to make some new friends. Reggie Lampert: Look, I admit I came to Paris to escape American Provincial, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for French Traditional.
Reggie Lampert: I'm sorry. Mr. Felix - Stamp Dealer: No, for a few minutes, they were mine. That is enough.
Inspector Grandpierre: [Offering advice to Reggie and Mr. Dyle, after three murdered people have been found, all wearing pajamas] And if I were you, I wouldn't stay in my pajamas. Good night.
Reggie Lampert: Could I have one of those? Peter Joshua: One of what? Reggie Lampert: I think Tex did it.
Mr. Felix - Stamp Dealer: [Describing the stamps to Reggie] Ah, the best for last. Le chef d'oeuvre de la collection. The masterpiece. The most valuable stamp in the world. It's called the Gazette Maldave. It was printed by hand on colored paper... and marked with the initials of the printer. Today it has a value of 100,000 dollars. Mr. Felix - Stamp Dealer: I'm not a thief, madame. I knew there was some mistake...
Tex Panthollow: Come on. My mama didn't raise no stupid children.
Reggie Lampert: Oh, I don't know who anybody is... Adam Canfield: Reggie, I beg you. Just trust me once more. Reggie Lampert: Why should I? Adam Canfield: [slight pause] I can't think of a reason in the world why you should.
Tex Panthollow: Oh, poor old Herman. It seems like him and good luck always was strangers. Well, maybe now he'll meet up with his other hand some place.
Peter Joshua: How would you like a spanking? Reggie Lampert: How would you like a punch in the nose? Stop treating me like a child.
Hamilton Bartholomew: Stop, Mrs. Lampert, or I'll kill you! Adam Canfield: It won't get you the stamps, Dyle. You'll still have to come out, and I'm not likely to miss at this range. Hamilton Bartholomew: Maybe not, but it takes a lot of bullets to kill me. They left me there with five in my leg and my stomach. They knew I was alive, but they left me there. I spent ten months in a German prison camp with nothing to stop the pain. They left me there. They deserved to die. Adam Canfield: But I had nothing to do with it. Hamilton Bartholomew: You've got the money now. It belongs to me. Mrs. Lampert, they knew I was alive, but they left me there. That's why I had to kill them. All four of them. Please believe me: I'll kill you too. It won't make any difference... I've come too far to turn back. I swear I'll kill you!
Hamilton Bartholomew: Mrs. Lampert, do you know what C.I.A. is? Reggie Lampert: I don't suppose it's an airline, is it?
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