Cheaper by the Dozen Quotes
With his wife doing a book tour, a father of twelve must handle a new job and his unstable brood.
Hank: It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.
Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.
Kate: My book's getting published.
Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?
Kate: You've never said that.
Tom: [Sweeping Kate onto the bed] I'm telling you now, baby.
Lorraine: [Rushing from the room] Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?
Tom: [Between kisses] Can you hurry?
Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?
Kate: You've never said that.
Tom: [Sweeping Kate onto the bed] I'm telling you now, baby.
Lorraine: [Rushing from the room] Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?
Tom: [Between kisses] Can you hurry?
Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.
Sarah Baker: Yes!
Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad.
Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah!
[yells]
Tom: [yells]
Sarah Baker: Yes!
Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad.
Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah!
[yells]
Tom: [yells]
Lorraine: [walks into kitchen] I am totally aware that this family doesn't value self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do. Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals aside from being, like, a fashion guru is to indicate to the local community that the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap. So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene, I think that I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.
Tom: Three.
Lorraine: Done.
Tom: Good now help your sister butter the toast.
Tom: Three.
Lorraine: Done.
Tom: Good now help your sister butter the toast.
Kate: [seeing Nora making out with Hank on the couch in front of the family] Nora, sweetie, want to help me in the kitchen?
[after Nora doesn't respond, she claps]
Kate: NORA, STOP!
[Nora breaks away from Hank]
Kate: Yeah, uh huh.
Kate: Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of Grandma, say the rosary. Come on, kids. Here we go. Everybody out.
[after Nora doesn't respond, she claps]
Kate: NORA, STOP!
[Nora breaks away from Hank]
Kate: Yeah, uh huh.
Kate: Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of Grandma, say the rosary. Come on, kids. Here we go. Everybody out.
[last lines]
Kate: [voiceover] I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
Kate: [voiceover] I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
Tom: Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.
Nigel Baker: Yeah, the hot dog.
[Tom gives him a look]
Nigel Baker: Mom said it first.
Shake: We're having adult time here, boys.
Kyle Baker: No idea what that means.
Tom: Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.
Kyle Baker: Sounds wicked boring.
Shake: It is. So why don't you run along?
Kyle Baker: Mom's right. He is a weiner.
Nigel Baker: Yeah, the hot dog.
[Tom gives him a look]
Nigel Baker: Mom said it first.
Shake: We're having adult time here, boys.
Kyle Baker: No idea what that means.
Tom: Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.
Kyle Baker: Sounds wicked boring.
Shake: It is. So why don't you run along?
Kyle Baker: Mom's right. He is a weiner.
Tom: [phoning a "nanny" service] Hello my name is Tom Baker and I am interested in hiring a domestic helper.
[responding to question on phone]
Tom: I have twelve kids.
[person on phone says something]
Tom: Actually I am serious.
Tom: [next call] Just twelve
Tom: [next call] There's only two, oh plus ten.
Tom: [next call] How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.
Tom: [next call] Well, there's twelve. But one doesn't live with me and one you never see cause he's so mad.
Tom: [next call] Uh, a dozen.
Tom: [next call] Just, just twelve.
Tom: [last call] Hello, I'll just hang up by myself.
[responding to question on phone]
Tom: I have twelve kids.
[person on phone says something]
Tom: Actually I am serious.
Tom: [next call] Just twelve
Tom: [next call] There's only two, oh plus ten.
Tom: [next call] How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.
Tom: [next call] Well, there's twelve. But one doesn't live with me and one you never see cause he's so mad.
Tom: [next call] Uh, a dozen.
Tom: [next call] Just, just twelve.
Tom: [last call] Hello, I'll just hang up by myself.
Tom: [when Kate leaves] Little Vampires, my plan worked. She's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to! Mwa ha ha, ha ha, ha!
[kids stare blankly]
Tom: C'mon, it's going to be fun. Your dream has come true. Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here. You can get away with murder. You can do anything you want. Dylan's birthday party is coming up. You can get all hyped up on sugar and cake and go crazy.
[kids continue to stare blankly then turn and walk away]
[kids stare blankly]
Tom: C'mon, it's going to be fun. Your dream has come true. Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here. You can get away with murder. You can do anything you want. Dylan's birthday party is coming up. You can get all hyped up on sugar and cake and go crazy.
[kids continue to stare blankly then turn and walk away]
Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
Mike: First dad forces us to move
Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe
Jessica Baker: And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!
Mark: And he hates kids too.
Mike: First dad forces us to move
Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe
Jessica Baker: And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!
Mark: And he hates kids too.
Kate: Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.
Tom: [huddled in the closet] Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.
[an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet]
Tom: I... I'd just hate to break that up.
Kate: Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.
Tom: bye.
[hangs up]
Nigel Baker: C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!
Kyle Baker: Take it like a man!
Tom: [huddled in the closet] Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.
[an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet]
Tom: I... I'd just hate to break that up.
Kate: Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.
Tom: bye.
[hangs up]
Nigel Baker: C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!
Kyle Baker: Take it like a man!
