Clueless Quotes

A rich high school student tries to boost a new pupil's popularity, but reckons without affairs of the heart getting in the way.

Cher: As if.

Mel: What the hell is that?
Cher: A dress.
Mel: Says who?
Cher: Calvin Klein.

Amber: Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.

Cher Horowitz: So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so.

[about keeping her virginity]
Cher: You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.

Tai: Why should I listen to you, anyway? You're a virgin who can't drive.
Cher: That was way harsh, Tai.

Cher: So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" Well it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. 'cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much.

Tai: Do you think she's pretty?
Cher: No, she's a full-on Monet.
Tai: What's a monet?
Cher: It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Christian: Hagsville.
Cher: See?

Murray: Woman, lend me fi' dollas.
Dionne: Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman".
Murray: Excuse me, "Ms. Dionne."
Dionne: Thank you.
Murray: Okay, but, street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones.

Mel: Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you.

Cher: Would you call me selfish?
Dionne: No, not to your face.

Travis: I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I might never be tardy.

Cher: Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.

Josh: Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
Cher: No. Why, does it sound like I do?

Tai: I could really use some sort of herbal refreshment.
Dionne: Oh, well we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.
Tai: No shit. You guys got Coke here?
Dionne: Well, yeah.
Cher: Yeah, this is America.

Murray: Your man Christian is a cake boy!
Cher, Dionne: A what?
Murray: He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?
Cher: Uh-uh, no way, not even!
Murray: Yes, even; he's gay!
Dionne: He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.

Mel: Where are you?
Cher: I'm just having a snack at my girlfriend's.
Mel: Where, in Kuwait?
Cher: Is that in the valley?

Cher: If it's a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.
Elton: What's seven times seven?
Cher: Stuff she knows.

Cher: I am totally butt crazy in love with Josh.

Dionne: Hello? There was a stop sign.
Cher: I totally paused.

Mel: Don't tell me those brain-dead lowlifes are calling me again.
Cher: They *are* your parents.

Cher: He does dress better than I do, what would I bring to the relationship?

Heather: It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."
Cher: Hamlet didn't say that.
Heather: I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.

Cher: Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?

Cher: Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian, and now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless. Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing was wigging me more than anything. I mean, what was my problem? Tai is my pal, I don't begrudge her a boyfriend, I really... Ooh, I wonder if they have that in my size. What does she want with Josh, anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he's not even cute... in a conventional way. I mean, he's just like this slug who hangs around the house all the time. And he's a hideous dancer, I couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about? This is like, Josh! OK, OK, so he's kind of a baldwin, but what would he want with Tai? She couldn't make him happy. Josh needed someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes... in case he ever makes any. Then suddenly...

Cher: I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.

Josh: Look, I'm just curious. How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?
Cher: Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.
Josh: Stop it, you're making me blush.

Mel: You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?
Cher: Totally based on my powers of persuasion, you proud?
Mel: Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.

Cher: "Second notice on three outstanding tickets." I don't remember getting a first notice.
Mel: The ticket is the first notice! I didn't even know you could get tickets without a license.
Cher: Oh, you can get tickets anytime.

Cher: Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.

Mel: I'd like to see you have a little direction.
Cher: I have direction!
Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.

Cher: [after she and Josh kiss] Well you can guess what happened next...
[we see a couple about to wed]
Cher: AS IF. I am only 16, and this is California, not Kentucky.

Tai: If I'm too good for him, then how come I'm not with him?

Mel: Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.
Josh: I don't think so.
Mel: Doesn't he look bigger?
Cher: His head does.

Cher: Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.

Mel: Do you know what time it is?
Cher: A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, daddy.

Cher: Lucy, the fire department called again. They said we need to clear out that bush. You said you'd get Jose to do it.
Lucy: He your gardener, I don't know why you no tell him.
Cher: Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.
Lucy: I NOT A MEXICAN.
Lucy: [storms off]
Cher: Great, what was that all about?
Josh: Lucy's from El Salvador.
Cher: So?
Josh: So, it's an entirely different country.
Cher: What does that matter?
Josh: You get mad if anyone thinks you live below Sunset.

Cher: Miss Stoeger, I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.

Mel: So, what did you do in school today?
Cher: Well, I broke in my purple clogs.

Murray: Woman, why don't you be answerin' any of my pages?
Dionne: I hate when you call me woman.
Murray: Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' behind my back?
Dionne: Jeepin'? Jeepin'? No. But, speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain how this cheap K-Mart hair extension got into the backseat of your car.
Murray: I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your little stringy somethin' or an others you got over here.
Dionne: I do not wear polyester hair, okay? Unlike some people I know like Shawana.
Cher: Dee, I'm outty.
Dionne: Bye.
Murray: Why do you got to go there? Why do you gotta go there? Is it that time of the month again?

Cher: I felt impotent and out of control. Which I really, really hate. I had to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength...
[we see a wide shot of the mall]

Mel: Which reminds me, where's your report card?
Cher: It's not ready yet.
Mel: What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"
Cher: Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.

Josh: You want to practice parking?
Cher: What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.

Josh: Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
Cher: I am. You try driving in platforms.

Josh: I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.
Mel: Why? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?
Cher: Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.
Mel: At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.
Cher: I have direction.
Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.

Cher Horowitz: I was just totally clueless.

Josh: You look like Pippi Longstocking.
Cher: Well you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?
Josh: Someone Mel Gibson never played.

Cher: I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice.

Cher: You are such a brown-noser.
Josh: Oh, and you are such a superficial space cadet. What makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades?
Cher: The fact that I've done it every other semester.

Tai: Cher, you're a virgin?
Cher: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Dionne: Besides, the PC term is "Hymenally challenged".

[driving up to a huge house]
Cher: This is where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us.

Cher: Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.

Cher: I want to do something for humanity.
Josh: How about sterilization?

Cher: You can't be the absolute and final word on drivers' licenses?
DMV Tester: Girlie, as far as you're concerned, I am the messiah of the DMV.

Amber: Was I the only one listening?I thought it reeked.
Cher: No I believe that's your designer imposter perfume.

Christian: Do you like Billie Holiday?
Cher: I love him.

Dionne: Dude, what's wrong. You suffering from buyers remorse or something?
Cher: God no, nothing like that.

Cher: Daddy, this is my friend Tai.
Mel: [shouts] Get out of my chair!

Josh: Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo-casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
Cher: Thank you Josh. I SO need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me the part about Kenny G again?

Josh: Wow, you're fillin' out there.
Cher: Wow, your face is catching up with your mouth.

Cher: [Flushed for her date while Dionne is doing her makeup] I'm still all red!
Dionne: Well I'm making you as white as I can, Cher!

Mr.Hall: [as Travis goes to jump out window] And could the suicide attempts PLEASE be postponed until the next period?

Cher: Ms. Stoger. That machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Miss Stoger: Thanks for the legal advice.

Mel: You drink?
Christian: No, thanks. I'm cool.
Mel: I'm not offering. I'm asking you if you drink. You think I offer alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?
Christian: Hey man, the protective vibe. I dig.

Cher: [she side-swipes a parked car] Oh! Should I write them a note?

Cher: Wasn't my mom a total Betty? She died when I was young. A freak accident during a routine liposuction.

Tai: Man, this party is ragin'.
Cher: Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.

Josh: We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
Cher: Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants dropping schedule to plant trees. Why don't you just hire a gardener?
Josh: You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause - make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is...
Cher: Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy, and as soon I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.
Josh: Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.
Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.

Dionne: Cher's saving herself for Luke Perry.

Dionne: [about Murray shaving his head] Why do you care what *he* thinks, Murray? I'm the one who has to look at you! What am I gonna do with you now? And right before the yearbook pictures? What am I gonna tell my grandchildren? You know what? That's it...
Murray: That's it!
Dionne: You wanna play games?
Murray: You wanna play games?
Dionne: I'm calling your mother!
Murray: Wait! Don't call my mom! Don't call my mom...

Cher: [seeking a match for her teacher] Unfortunately, There was a major babe drought at my school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married and in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers, Ms. Stoger seemed to be same-sex oriented.

Dionne: Phat! Did you write that?
Cher: Duh. It's like a famous quote.
Dionne: From where?
Cher: Cliff's Notes.

Travis: I joined this program and there's steps. There's... uh...
Cher: Twelve?
Travis: Yeah, how'd you know?
Cher: Wild guess.

Cher: Dee, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring.

Mel: What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?

Cher: Dionne and I were both named after famous singers of the past, who now do infomercials.

Tai: Cher, I don't want to do this anymore. And my buns: they don't feel nothin' like steel.

Cher: [Referring to Josh] Okay, okay, so he is kind of a Baldwin.

Cher: [to Josh] Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear girls at N.Y.U. aren't at all particular.

Cher: Sporadically. It means once in a while. Try to use it in a sentence.
Josh: [later] Be seeing you.
Tai: Yeah, I hope not sporadically.

Cher: Oh look, Josh is dancing with Tai, he never dances.
Christian: I can see why.

Cher: I'm captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.
Mel: I don't think they need your skis.
Cher: Daddy, some people lost all their belongings. Don't you think that includes athletic equipment?

Josh: Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father.
Cher: Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.

Cher: Are you talking about drugs?
Tai: Yeah.
Cher: Tai, how old are you?
Tai: I'll be 16 in May.
Cher: My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.

Cher: [an attractive male waiter walks past the girls, who check him out] Survey says?
Tai: Doable.
Dionne: Puny. I like 'em big.
Cher: Ew I hate muscles!
Tai: You know I don't really mind either way. Just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked. I really hate that.

Cher: Been shopping with Dr. Suess?
Dionne: Well at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my back pack.
Cher: It's faux.

Josh: [while watching news about a war in Bosnia] You look confused.
Cher: Well, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.

Dionne: So check it.

Cher: So, this flannel thing. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?

Cher: Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

Cher: Looks like we're gonna have to make a cameo at the Val party.

Tai: You think I'm a mentally challenged airhead?
Cher: I never said that, I just think you two wouldn't mesh.

[after taking her drivers test]
Cher: So, how did I do?
DMV Tester: How'd you do? Well, let's just see shall we? You can't park, you can't change lanes, you can't make right hand turns, you damaged private property and you almost killed someone. Off hand, I'd say you failed.

Mel: I expect you to walk through this door in twenty minutes.
Cher: It might take longer than that Dad.
Mel: Everywhere in L.A takes twenty minutes.

Cher: It's like that book I read in the 9th grade that said "'tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people."

Cher: Suddenly a dark cloud settled over first period... I got a C in debate?

Cher: Okay, so you're probably going, "Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.

Cher: That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.

Tai: Wow, you guys talk like grown-ups!
Cher: Well, this is a really good school.

Cher: Dionne and her boyfriend Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie too many times.

Cher: Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.

Mel: We're going to have a NICE FAMILY MEAL.

Cher: [about Josh] A licensed driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser?

Cher: Would you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That is an unequivocal sex invite.

Cher: Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kind of lawyer. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. And daddy's so good he gets $500 an hour to fight with people. But he fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.

Cher: Old people can be so sweet.

Josh: So you don't want to make a night of it with the Ring a Ding Kid?

Mr.Hall: So does anyone have any final thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton?
Elton: Yeah. I can't find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it.

Amber: She could be a farmer in those clothes.