Constantine tells the story of irreverent supernatural detective John Constantine, who has literally been to hell and back.

Angela Dodson: I guess God has a plan for all of us.
John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.
John Constantine: Detective. What if I told you that God and the devil made a wager, a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?
Angela Dodson: I'd tell you to stay on your meds.
John Constantine: Humor me. No direct contact with humans. That would be the rule. Just influence. See who would win.
Angela Dodson: Okay, I'm humoring you. Why?
John Constantine: Who knows. Maybe just for the fun of it. No telling.
Angela Dodson: Oh, so it's fun? It's fun when a man beats his wife to death? It's fun when a mother drowns her own baby? And you think the devil is responsible? People are evil, Mr. Constantine. People.
John Constantine: You're right. We're born capable of terrible things, but then sometimes something else comes along and gives us just the right nudge.
Angela Dodson: Well, this has been real educational, but... I don't believe in the devil.
John Constantine: You should. He believes in you.
[last lines]
John Constantine: [voiceover] I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die - twice - just to figure that out. Like the book says, He works His work in mysterious ways. Some people like it. Some people don't.
Angela Dodson: [after taking off her jacket] So, do I have to take the rest of my clothes off or can I leave them on?
Angela Dodson: John?
John Constantine: I'm thinking...
Gabriel: You are going to die young because you smoked 30 cigarettes a day since you were 15... and you're going to go to hell because of the life you took.
[pause, leans in]
Gabriel: You're fucked.
Angela Dodson: She was a patient at Ravenscar. She... jumped off the roof.
John Constantine: Thought you said she was murdered?
Angela Dodson: Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Yeah, what kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.
John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry ass straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my... retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don't understand.
John Constantine: I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go...
Angela Dodson: You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would *you* do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?
Satan: Hello, John. John, hello. You're the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.
[claps giddily]
John Constantine: So I've heard.
John Constantine: They have the Spear of Destiny.
Satan: [mocking him] "They have the Spear of Destiny!"
[becomes serious, leans in]
Satan: Or is it another one of your cons?
John Constantine: Go look for yourself.
[Satan hesitates]
John Constantine: You've waited twenty years for me, Lu. What's another twenty seconds?
John Constantine: [whispering into the ear of a possessed girl] This is Constantine. John Constantine. Asshole.
Balthazar: What are you doing?
John Constantine: I'm reading you your last rites.
Balthazar: Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine: You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven.
[anoints Balthazar's brow with holy water]
John Constantine: I'd love to be a fly on that wall.
Balthazar: You're not a priest. You have no power.
John Constantine: Just tell me how Mammon is crossing over and you can go back to your shithole.
[no response]
John Constantine: Okay, Bally, enjoy it.
[begins reading from the Bible]
John Constantine: In nomine Patri, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti. May God have mercy on you, and grant you the pardon of all your sins. Whosesoever sins you remit on Earth, they are remitted unto them in Heaven.
[Balthazar squirms]
John Constantine: How's he doing it?
Balthazar: No... I can't.
John Constantine: [louder] Grant your child entry into thy kingdom! In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit! Ame-!
Balthazar: [shouts] Sangre de Dio! The blood of God.
John Constantine: He found it.
Balthazar: Whatever killed the Son of God will give birth to the Son of the Devil.
John Constantine: [closes the Bible] By the way... you have to *ask* for absolution to be forgiven... asshole.
Chas Kramer: [his last lines] You were right, John. It's not like in the books.
Chas Kramer: John, why would you do that if you know it's not my car?
John Constantine: I told you to move it.
Chas Kramer: Right, John, you did tell me to move it, but if you would have told me there was a three hundred pound mirror you were dropping with a pissed-off demon, I would have moved it further, John!
John Constantine: Angels and Demons can't cross over onto our plane. So, instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. But a single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch like those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it hypocritical bullshit.
John Constantine: [to a room full of demons] Hi, my name's John. You are in violation of the balance. Leave immediately or I will deport you.
[stands on a chair]
John Constantine: All of you.
[no reaction]
John Constantine: Go to hell.
[John ignites a lighter and places it under a smoke-detector, activating the sprinkler system. The demons skin starts to burn]
Ellie: Holy water?
[the demons' flesh burns and they scream in agony]
[after Gabriel has been transformed into a human]
Gabriel: [eagerly] Do you want revenge? Is that what you're thinking right now? Do it.
[hands Constantine's Holy Shotgun to him]
Gabriel: Do it. Seek revenge. End my life. Go on. Be the hand of God.
Gabriel: It's your choice. It's always been your choice.
John Constantine: Yeah.
[punches Gabriel across the mouth, he bows over, looking shocked]
John Constantine: That's called pain. Get used to it.
John Constantine: Officially, I was dead for two minutes... but when you cross over, time stops. Take it from me, two minutes in hell is a lifetime.
Angela Dodson: Hold the door. You going down?
John Constantine: Not if I can help it.
Angela Dodson: John, there is no seventeenth act in Corinthians.
John Constantine: Corinthians goes to twenty one acts in the Bible in Hell.
Angela Dodson: They have bibles in Hell?
John Constantine: Paints a different view of Revelations. Says the world will not end by God's hand, but be reborn in the embrace of the damned. Though if you ask me, fire's fire.
Midnite: [holding the lamp containing the glowing filament of the smashed bulb] Sure about this?
John Constantine: No.
[Midnite electrocutes him, John screams]
John Constantine: What did she do, Angela?
Angela Dodson: How should I know?
John Constantine: What did she do, Angela?
Angela Dodson: I don't know.
John Constantine: What would you do?
Angela Dodson: I don't know.
John Constantine: What would you do?
Angela Dodson: I don't know.
John Constantine: What did she do, Angela?
Angela Dodson: I don't remember.
John Constantine: You know what she did. What did she do, Angela?
Angela Dodson: I don't know!
John Constantine: You know what she did! What are you afraid of? What did she do, Angela? What did she do?
Angela Dodson: [shouting] I don't know!
John Constantine: Not bad, kid.
Gabriel: Son of perdition. Little horn! Most unclean!
Satan: [nostalgic] I do miss the old names.
John Constantine: [choking] Smile pretty, you vain prick!
[He moves aside, givng the possessed girl a view of the mirror; the demon flies out of her and is trapped in the mirror. Constantine looks over his shoulder and flips it the bird]
John Constantine: For your boss.
Gabriel: I'm simply seeking to inspire mankind to all that is intended.
John Constantine: By handing Earth over to the son of the Devil? Help me here.
John Constantine: [speaking to God] I know I'm not one of your favorites. I'm not even welcome in your house. But, I could use a little attention.
Chas Kramer: This is Kramer. Chas Kramer, asshole.
John Constantine: Word is that kid of yours is a chip off the old block.
Satan: Well, one does what one can.
John Constantine: He's in the other room.
Satan: Boys will be boys.
John Constantine: With Gabriel.
Satan: [looking disgusted] No accounting for taste, really.
Angela Dodson: I need to see what she saw. Please.
John Constantine: You do this, there's no turning back. You see them... They see you. Understand?
Angela Dodson: Yeah.
John Constantine: Close your eyes. And whatever happens, don't look.
Midnite: Tell me this isn't about the girl?
John Constantine: Definitely, mostly not about the girl.
Chas Kramer: [to Midnite's knocked-out bouncer] Who's a rat in a dress now, huh, bitch?
John Constantine: [about God] He always had a rotten sense of humor. And His punchlines are killers.
[Gabriel holds Constantine helpless]
Gabriel: You're handed this precious gift, right? Each one of you granted redemption from the Creator - murderers, rapists, and molesters - all of you, you just have to repent, and God takes you into His bosom. In all the worlds in all the universe, no other creature can make such a boast, save man. It's not fair.
[leans closer]
Gabriel: If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I will make you worthy of His love. I've been watching for a long time. It's only in the face of horror that you truly find your nobler selves. And you can be so noble. So, I'll bring you pain, I'll bring you horror, so that you may rise above it. So that those of you who survive this reign of hell on earth will be worthy of God's love.
John Constantine: Gabriel, you're insane!
Gabriel: [smiles] The road to salvation begins tonight. Right now.
[Gabriel blows, sending Constantine crashing through the door]
John Constantine: I need you to leave.
Angela Dodson: I'm sorry.
John Constantine: Angela, please.
Angela Dodson: Okay.
[heads for her room]
John Constantine: The apartment.
Angela Dodson: Okay. Be careful with that cat.
[cat meows and Angela begins to close the door]
John Constantine: God, I hate this part.
Satan: [his last lines] No. You will live, John Constantine. You will live so you will have the chance to prove that your soul truly belongs in hell. Oh, you will live. You will live.
John Constantine: How's the family?
Satan: Family's doing just fine. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Need a vacation.
John Constantine: When I was a kid, I could see things. Things humans aren't supposed to see. Things you shouldn't have to see.
Gabriel: I will smite thee, in His honour.
[He throws a punch at Lucifer, but his fist stops short, to his surprise]
Satan: Looks like somebody doesn't have your back any more.
Angela Dodson: Mr. Constantine, I saw you...
John Constantine: I remember.
Angela Dodson: And then I saw you at the...
John Constantine: Regular kismet.
Angela Dodson: I'd like to ask you a few questions, if that would be okay?
John Constantine: I'm not really in the talking mood right now.
Angela Dodson: Well, maybe you could just listen then?
[shows her badge]
Angela Dodson: Please?
John Constantine: Always a catch.
Angela Dodson: My sister was murdered yesterday.
John Constantine: Sorry to hear.
Angela Dodson: Thanks.
John Constantine: You mind?
[reaches for cigarettes]
Satan: Oh, go - go right ahead; I've got stock.
John Constantine: [chuckles] Coffin nail.
Satan: Very fitting, John.
John Constantine: [as the demons close in, Angela draws her pistol and chambers a shell] That's really not going to help.
Satan: Sonny, I've got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.
John Constantine: Aren't you a peach?
John Constantine: You don't walk off the roof of a building, without leaving something behind.
John Constantine: [to a spider he's trapped under a cigarette-smoke filled glass] Welcome to my life.
John Constantine: It's not always like it is in the books.
Angela Dodson: She has to have a Catholic funeral, Father. She has to.
Father Garret: Angela, it's still considered a mortal sin.
Angela Dodson: She didn't commit suicide.
Father Garret: The Bishop believes otherwise. You know the rules, Angela.
Angela Dodson: Oh, rules! Father... David. This is Isabel. God was the only one she ever believed loved her. Please.
Father Garret: I'm sorry.
John Constantine: [as Midnight holds him up against a wall] Is this neutral? Bullshit! You're the only one still playing by the rules, Midnite, and while you've been imitating Switzerland people are dying. Hennessy, Beeman, they were your friends once, too, remember?
[Midnite burns him, he screams]
John Constantine: I need your help! Consider it a last request.
Midnite: You play a dangerous game.
John Constantine: [Midnite releases him, he slumps to the ground] Two hundred dollar shirt, by the way.
Midnite: [to John] I thought I heard thunder last night. Must have been Satan's stomach growling.
Beeman: [his last lines] I know you've never had much faith, you've never had much reason to. But, that doesn't mean that we don't have faith... in you.
Angela Dodson: Well, I thought that with your background, you could at least point me in the right direction?
John Constantine: Yeah, okay. Sure.
[points to the door]
John Constantine: So, what's new?
Beeman: Bullet shavings from the assassination attempt on the Pope... Holy-water ampoules from the River Jordan... and - oh, you'll love this... Screech beetle from Amityville.
[He hands John a matchbox. John shakes it, and a tiny squeak comes out. He gives Beeman a look]
Beeman: Yeah, it's funny to you, but to the fallen, that's like nails on a chalkboard.
John Constantine: What is it, exactly, with you and bugs?
Beeman: I just like them.
John Constantine: Yeah. Who doesn't?
[He picks up a tube]
Beeman: Yeah, easy there, hero. That's dragon's breath.
John Constantine: I thought you couldn't get it anymore.
Beeman: Yeah, well, I, uh, I know a guy who knows a guy.
[John fires a blast of fire from the tube]
Beeman: So, uh, what's the action?
John Constantine: I just pulled a soldier demon out of a little girl. Looked like it was trying to come through. Yeah, I know how it sounds.
Beeman: No, we're finger puppets to them, John, not doorways. They can work us, but, they can't come through onto our plane.
John Constantine: Check the scrolls, anyway. See if there's any precedent.
Beeman: Sure thing, John. Uh, anything else?
John Constantine: Wouldn't happen to have anything for a, uh...
Beeman: [produces a bottle of cough syrup] On the house.
Angela Dodson: John, I really want...
[Constantine puts a necklace on her]
John Constantine: Think of it as a bullet proof vest.
Midnite: [laughing, to John, regarding Chas] Take him, John. Kill him after.
Balthazar: [as he chokes John to death] Don't fight it, Johnny boy, enjoy it.
Midnite: [about Mammon] That little shit has been trying to crawl out of his father's shadow for eons. I'd hate to think what he would do this world if he ever broke through.
John Constantine: Close your eyes.
Angela Dodson: Why?
John Constantine: Suit yourself.
[He ignites a fire, revealing a swarm of winged demons around them. They rear back from the fire, and burn up]
John Constantine: Demons stay in hell, huh? Tell them that.
John Constantine: Jesus didn't die from being nailed to a cross. He was killed by a soldier's spear.
Angela Dodson: The Spear of Destiny. I'm a Catholic, John. I know the Crucifixion story.
John Constantine: Into the light, I command thee. Into the light, I command thee. Into the light, I command thee. Into the light, I command thee.
Balthazar: [after being hit with a holy water grenade, his human skin burns away, revealing his demon face] That's better. Au naturel.
Angela Dodson: You tried to kill yourself.
John Constantine: I didn't *try* anything.
Gabriel: Your ego is astounding.
John Constantine: Gabriel. Figures. "And the wicked shall inherit the Earth".
Gabriel: You judging me now, John?
John Constantine: Betrayal, murder, genocide, call me provincial.
Gabriel: [as Gabriel falls from God's grace] Father!
Angela Dodson: Look, I've heard your name around the precinct. I know the circles you travel in. The occult, demonology, exorcisms. Just before my sister was committed, she became deeply paranoid. She started talking about demons, angels. Now, I think someone got to her, Mr. Constantine. I think they brainwashed her into stepping off that roof. Some kind of legion or, um, or cult.
John Constantine: Sounds like a theory, detective. Good luck
Chas Kramer: How much longer do I have to be your slave, John?
John Constantine: You're not my slave, Chas, you're my very appreciated apprentice, like Tonto, or Robin, or that skinny fellow with the fat friend.
Chas Kramer: You ever think if you told me now that maybe I could help out?
John Constantine: Why me, Gabriel? It's personal, isn't it? I didn't go to church enough, I didn't pray enough, I... was five bucks short in the collection plate. Why?
Dr. Leslie Archer: John, you really need to prepare... make arrangements.
John Constantine: No need. I already know exactly where I'm going.
Angela Dodson: So why water?
John Constantine: It's a universal conduit. Lubricates the transition from one plane to another. Now, ask me if there's water in Hell.
Angela Dodson: Is there water in Hell?
John Constantine: Sit.
[she sits in the tub]
John Constantine: Normally only a portion of the body has to be suspended, but you wanted the crash course.
Angela Dodson: Yeah, I wanted the crash course.
Balthazar: [after being shot by Dragon's breath from John's Holy Shotgun] Fire? I was born of this!
Father Hennessy: I think... I think I found you one.
[first title card]
Title Card: "He who possesses the Spear of Destiny holds the fate of the world in his hands."
Title Card: The Spear of Destiny has been missing since the end of World War II.
John Constantine: A demon just attacked me right out in the open on Figueroa.
Midnite: They don't like you, John. How many have you deported back to hell?
John Constantine: Not some angry half-breed, Midnite. A full fledged demon, here on our plane.
Midnite: Clearly, I do not have to remind you that is impossible.
John Constantine: And yesterday, I saw a soldier demon tryin' to chew its way out through a little girl.
Midnite: Listen, John. Demons stay in hell, angels in heaven. The great d├ętente of the original superpowers.
[Satan interrupts the ceremony]
Gabriel: Lucifer!
Satan: This world is mine - in time.
Satan: Yeah, what do you want? Extension?
Midnite: You know the rules of my house. While here you *will* abide by them.
Vermin Man: [just before he attacks Constantine, who is coughing blood on the sidewalk] Hey, buddy, got a light?
John Constantine: But when you cross over... time stops. Take it from me, two minutes in hell is a lifetime. When I came back... I knew... all the things I could see were real. Heaven and hell are right here. Behind every wall, every window. The world behind the world, and we're smack in the middle.
[preparing to use the electric chair]
Midnite: How many years since you've surfed?
John Constantine: Like riding a bike.
Midnite: No, not really.
Balthazar: Word is you're on your way down. Fresh meat.
[puts fingers in his mouth, hisses, and leans forward]
Balthazar: Finger lickin' good.
Angela Dodson: I need to understand.
John Constantine: You don't wanna know what's out there, trust me on this.
[Angela is about to submerge herself in a bathtub to transport herself to Hell]
Angela Dodson: So, umm... So, what's gonna happen?
John Constantine: Lie down.
Angela Dodson: What do you - What do you mean, lie down?
John Constantine: You have to be fully submerged.
Angela Dodson: For how long?
John Constantine: As long as it takes.
Angela Dodson: Okay.
John Constantine: Take a deep one.
Angela Dodson: [Angela breathes in and goes under; after being held under for too long, she emerges from the bathtub] Oh, God. Oh, God, all those people. Oh, Isabel. I've always known. I've always known where they are. I've always known where to - where to find them, where to - where to aim and where to duck, and I've always known where they were. I've always known that it wasn't luck. Always known that it wasn't luck. I've always known, I've always known that I could see.
Angela Dodson: I used to pretend that I didn't - that I didn't see things.
[after Constantine refuses to kill him]
Gabriel: [smiling] You could've shot me, John! You chose a higher path. Look how well you're doing!
[Constantine and Angela leave the hospital without looking back. Gabriel topples back into the pool]
[first lines]
Scavenger #2: Manuel.
[Scavenger continues to walk away in a trance]
Scavenger #2: Manuel!
Angela Dodson: When we were girls, we would leave each other messages in light... and breath... on the windows.
John Constantine: [taking a necklace off of Father Hennessy] Come on, you don't need its protection. It'll be like back in the day.
Beeman: This is the Sign of Mammon.

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