A comedy about a veteran NYPD cop whose rare baseball card is stolen. Since it's his only hope to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, he recruits his partner to track down the thief, a memorabilia-obsessed gangster.

Paul Hodges: [screaming random movie lines to get a suspect to talk] Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!
Jimmy Monroe: I've never seen that movie before.
Dave: Knock Knock.
Paul Hodges: Don't do it Jim.
Dave: Do it.
Paul Hodges: If you respect our partnership Jim don't do it.
Dave: Do it.
Jimmy Monroe: Who's there?
Dave: Orange.
Paul Hodges: No. No. Huh Huh. No. No! No! No! Hell No! NO! NO! I refuse to... No! No! Alright Orange who damn it?
Dave: Orange you pissed that your wife is taking it in the ass from another guy right now?
Jimmy Monroe: This guy's the biggest car thief in Brooklyn, let's be careful
Tommy: [Rolls down the car window, looks up at Paul and Jimmy] You just scratched my ride.
Paul Hodges: What the hell are you doin', Tommy?
Tommy: I'm drivin', bitch.
Paul Hodges: Get out o' the car!
Tommy: Is it I'm black?
Paul Hodges: No! Cause you're TEN!
Tommy: Eleven!
Paul Hodges: Get out o' the car!
Tommy: I was wearin' my seatbelt!
Paul Hodges: Get out o' the car, you little re-peat offender!
Tommy: Fuck!
Dave: This is police brutality.
Jimmy Monroe: Not yet...
Tommy: What?
Paul Hodges: You know, I'm gonna smack the black off you!
Tommy: You can't do anything to me
Paul Hodges: Talk! About the stolen Mercedes-Benz!
Tommy: I'm not tellin' you nothin'
Paul Hodges: No, you gonna tell me somethin' or I'm gonna...
[Tommy kicks Paul in the balls]
Jimmy Monroe: I told ya be careful!
[Paul punches Tommy]
Jimmy Monroe: Paul, did you just punch a little child?
Paul Hodges: There's things you don't know about me, Jim, I'll fuck a little kid up if he kicked me in the dick!
Inmate #2: I could knit the fuck outta a big nice sweater!
Paul Hodges: Now we need to know about the Mercedez
[Jimmy looks on with a grin]
Paul Hodges: that was stolen a couple o' nights ago, in the back of a Mini-Mart, in Bay Ridge!
Tommy: I ain't tellin' you shit! You can't DO shit, cause I'm a miiiinor
Jimmy Monroe: Heh heh heh heh
Tommy: Fuck you too, Professor-X-looking Mother Fucker!
Jimmy Monroe: You are an angry young man.
Tommy: Yo, you're messin' with my business, bitch.
Paul Hodges: Whose car is this?
Tommy: Yo Momma's!
Paul Hodges: Jim, I just got SHOT!
Jimmy Monroe: Mozel Tov
Paul Hodges: Fuckin' monocle wearin' mother fucker.
Paul Hodges: I know what "pellegro" means.
Jimmy Monroe: What's it mean?
Paul Hodges: It's Puerto-Rican for "penguin"
Jimmy Monroe: You ready?
Paul Hodges: I'm ready.
[pauses]
Paul Hodges: Let's go be great!
Jimmy Monroe: Do you ever listen to yourself sometimes?
Paul Hodges: This is the stuff that my mom would tell friends about me, 'My son is genius, my son is a genius'.
Paul Hodges: Don't even look at me like that. You're just a bear. Shut the fuck up.
Poh Boy: Bless me father, for I'm about to sin.
[gunshot]
Dave: Hey. Do you wanna be my jail cell BFF, without the forced rape?
Jimmy Monroe: Get him?
Paul Hodges: His head is not there. Is it counted?
Paul Hodges: OK, how are we going work this?
Jimmy Monroe: Same way we always do. I interrogate him, you write it down.
Paul Hodges: Oh so you're making decisions now? I hope the whole 6-9 know that you're making decisions. I'm going to play the bad guy on this one.
Jimmy Monroe: Doubtful.
Paul Hodges: Un-doubtful.
Jimmy Monroe: Highly doubtful and you know why because you don't play the bad guy. You just steal all the bullshit lines you hear on TV and the movies that you like.
Dave: Did you just fall down from the stairs?
Jimmy Monroe: [lying] No!
Paul Hodges: ohh ahhhhh
Jimmy Monroe: ooh my card
[last lines]
Priest: Who give this bride away?
Jimmy Monroe: I do.
Ava: [mouthing] I love you.
Paul Hodges: That's called parkour. It's a French martial art to get you around and over stuff.
Jimmy Monroe: What are you?
Paul Hodges: I just wanna get you pregnant, you know? My daughter gonna come out like 11 pounds , twenty ounces, runnin, around the house with the doo doo pampers on!
Paul Hodges: You know, the bonobo chimpanzee is the only non-human primate that has oral sex?
Jimmy Monroe: Where do you find the time to watch "Animal Planet"? I'm with you 25 hours a day!
Paul Hodges: [Pointing to head] I have to feed this. I have to feed this.
Jimmy Monroe: Well, you're a compendium of fucking useless information.
Paul Hodges: Well, I don't wanna look at reality TV, cause that's the bowels of Hollywood.
Jimmy Monroe: [mumbled] fuckin' Reality TV, fuckin' blows
Paul Hodges: And I like to see chimpanzees gettin' head.
Jimmy Monroe: You got a point.
Paul Hodges: His wife says she's very unhappy. She said he's all foreskin.
Paul Hodges: Captain, your heart. It's an ice box.
Paul Hodges: What's with the box?
Jimmy Monroe: I gotta sell the Pavco.
Paul Hodges: I heard that. I know that's right... I'm lying. What's a Pavco?
Jimmy Monroe: It's a baseball card.
Paul Hodges: Jimmy, if you need twenty bucks...
Jimmy Monroe: Asshole, I don't need twenty bucks.
[first lines]
Paul Hodges: You know what today represents? Nine Jim. Nine years me and you been together. *Nine* we been main shit stains. I know some dogs that don't even live to be nine. You're lucky if you get seven years out of a Great Dane. But me and you been puttin' it together for nine...
[whips out a card]
Paul Hodges: Happy anniversary Jim.
Jimmy Monroe: I don't celebrate anniversaries.
Paul Hodges: Jim, open it up. I wanna see the expression on your face.
Jimmy Monroe: You wanna see the expression on my face? The expression you're gonna see on my face is "fuck you".
Barry Mangold: [teasing Monroe after he's been robbed] Mr. Monroe, we are the police. We're here to help. You've been a victim of a crime, do you understand?
Jimmy Monroe: I ain't got no time for this shit.
Barry Mangold: Wow! Oh God!
Hunsaker: You know, based on the uh the emotional state how we should proceed? What do you think? We could get him a psycho avaluation?
Barry Mangold: So we're gonna take you to Bellevue just to make sure you're okay uh huh?
Hunsaker: Now for the record, how long actually have you been a...
[Barry shows a comic book]
Hunsaker: hobbyist?
Barry Mangold: Now, was there any identifying marks on the suspects?
Jimmy Monroe: [remembers of Dave's tattoo] No!
Paul Hodges: Did you know they were gonna make a movie about these two starring Kevin Costner and Robert DeNiro? Yeah, it was called 'The Unfuckables'.
Barry Mangold: I'm not gonna lie to you, I like the idea of Kevin Costner and Robert DeNiro playing us.
Hunsaker: [Imitating DeNiro] Yeah, lil bit.
Paul Hodges: Oh, shit. He's taking a shit in the house.
Jimmy Monroe: What kind of guy takes a shit in the same house that he's robbing?
Paul Hodges: I don't know. What kind of guy takes a shit in a high-pressure situation like this? I'm not shitting no where except for my house. I will pitch it in my house for hours before I let it go. But when I let it, here, it goes. Here, she blows. The big brown shark is gonna to come. I set records for my shit turds. I move my bowels all over my toilet. All over my bathroom, I'm moving bowels. I shit so hard sometimes, people next door will be like, "Warriors, come out and play."
Jimmy Monroe: [nonchalantly in Mexican standoff] You know how tired we are from killing all your friends?
Jimmy Monroe: I been where you are.
Paul Hodges: Roy?
[Jimmy nods]
Paul Hodges: C'mere, man
[Paul spreads his arms wide]
Paul Hodges: You look like you need a hug.
Jimmy Monroe: [Steps back] Whoa. You really read that one wrong.
Paul Hodges: It's just that I'm vulnerable, man.
Jimmy Monroe: How long she been in there?
Paul Hodges: I don't know, does this mean that we're not broken up any more?
Jimmy Monroe: What are you, in the fifth grade?
Paul Hodges: Let me get some spicy carrots and quacamole.
Paul Hodges: Why did you smack me?
Jimmy Monroe: I was in the moment and the moment said smack ya.
Paul Hodges: That's her gay cousin!
Jimmy Monroe: You beat up a kid?
Paul Hodges: I needed the bike.
Captain Romans: You can see it on youtube if you want.
Paul Hodges: Really? What, *the* youtube?
Captain Romans: Good job.
Paul Hodges: Captain, how many hits I get?
Captain Romans: There's at least two, the Chief of Police and the Deputy Chief.
Jimmy Monroe: What do you do?
Hourly Housekeeper: Housekeeping.
Eddie: She's an hourly housekeeper. Hou... Hourly rate. Housekeeper.
Poh Boy: You guys like my Diamond Vault?
Poh Boy: We practiced that for an hour!
Jimmy Monroe: Ma'am, ma'am.
Laura: Whats going on?
Paul Hodges: Somebody just broke into your house.
Laura: [while pulling out gun] I'm gonna go take care of the son of a... B, myself.
Jimmy Monroe: Whoa, whoa, ma'am.
Kevin: You gonna smoke somebody?
Paul Hodges: Put the gun down.
Laura: I know my rights!
Jimmy Monroe: [while trying not to swear in front of young boy] Lady, put the f-in' gun, down on the ground right now, take your son across the f-in' street, AND STAY THERE TILL WE COME AND GET YOU! Jesus... C.

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