An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection.

Angelique Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box.
Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!
Carolyn Stoddard: [sees Barnabas for the first time] Are you stoned or something?
Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work.
[to Willie]
Barnabas Collins: When did they start allowing women of the night on the estate grounds?
Barnabas Collins: [seeing TV for the first time] What sorcery is this?
[attacks the TV]
Barnabas Collins: Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: What do you think of the President?
Victoria Winters: Never met him.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: What do you think of the war?
Victoria Winters: I don't watch television.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Do you think the sexes should be equal?
Victoria Winters: Heavens, no. Men would become quite unmanageable.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: I think we're going to get along fine.
Angelique Bouchard: [wanting Barnabas to love her] What if I made you?
Barnabas Collins: With what, a spell? A little doll with pins? That is not love!
Angelique Bouchard: With THIS!
[starts to strip]
Barnabas Collins: Oh.
Angelique Bouchard: With the body you once begged me for!
Barnabas Collins: I must admit, those have not aged a day...
Carolyn Stoddard: I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you.
Barnabas Collins: Do not fear, my child. I simply seek advice on the art of courting a woman of this time... Land. And who better to tutor me than a woman of your age? What is your age, if I may?
Carolyn Stoddard: Fifteen.
Barnabas Collins: Fifteen and no husband. You must put those birthing hips to good use at once lest your womb shrivel up and die.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're weird.
Barnabas Collins: But do you think me too weird for a woman of this... land?
Carolyn Stoddard: You obviously mean Vicky.
Barnabas Collins: She has the most fertile birthing hips I have ever laid eyes upon.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're way too weird.
Barnabas Collins: Do you really think so?
Carolyn Stoddard: You're all stiff, proper and old-fashioned.
Barnabas Collins: And Victoria... Is she not proper?
Carolyn Stoddard: She likes to pretend she's rock 'n' roll. She's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.
Barnabas Collins: Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?
Carolyn Stoddard: The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.
Barnabas Collins: Ah, music. Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I am a picker, I am a grinner / I am a lover and I am a sinner / I play my music in the sun" If only Shakespeare had been as eloquent.
Carolyn Stoddard: Okay. If you wanna get with her, you're gonna have to change your approach. Drop the whole weird Swinging London thing and hang out with a few normal people.
Barnabas Collins: Josette...
Victoria Winters: My name is Victoria Winters. Please, call me Vicky.
Barnabas Collins: Enchanted. But I shall call you Victoria, a name so wonderful to me that I could not stand to lose a single syllable of it.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: What did you do to my daughter?
Angelique Bouchard: The family tree needed a little spicing up, so I sent a werewolf to bite her as a child.
[sees David]
Angelique Bouchard: Just as I sent David's mother to the bottom of the ocean, rendering him a motherless whelp!
[turns to Barnabas]
Angelique Bouchard: And as for you... I killed your parents, and every one of your lovers. They kept us apart.
David Collins: Carolyn touches herself. She makes noises like a kitten.
Carolyn Stoddard: [to David] You little shit!
Carolyn Stoddard: [about the planned ball] I have to hand it to you. This is a happening. I guess the only thing missing is Alice Cooper.
Barnabas Collins: Perhaps you should go and acquaint yourself with the evening's entertainment.
[At the ball, he sees who Alice Cooper really is]
Barnabas Collins: ...ugliest woman I've ever seen.
[at a hippie commune]
Barnabas Collins: I am reminded of a line from Erich Segal's 'Love Story': "Love means never having to say you're sorry." However, it is with sincere regret that I must now kill all of you.
[screaming is heard at the commune]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Children, get away from that man!
David Collins: He said his name was Barnabas Collins.
Carolyn Stoddard: And I'm pretty sure he called me a hooker.
David Collins: [opening the coffin in which Barnabas has been chained] Uncle Barnabas, why do you have ladies' underwear on your head?
Barnabas Collins: Never mind that...
Barnabas Collins: [holds a fork] I see you have been driven to even sell the prized family silverware.
Roger Collins: How can you tell? Those are exact replicas.
Barnabas Collins: Had this been silver, I would have burst into flame at the slightest touch.
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Is he for real?
Barnabas Collins: [dodging a vomit projectile from Angelique] Missed me!
[takes a hit]
[last lines]
Barnabas Collins: [narrates] It is said that blood is thicker than water. It is what joins us, binds us... curses us. My name is Barnabas Collins, and my curse has finally been broken.
Angelique Bouchard: I worshipped you!
Barnabas Collins: You plagued me!
Angelique Bouchard: I adore you!
Barnabas Collins: I despise you!
Barnabas Collins: I've spoken of my feelings to not a soul.
Victoria Winters: Yeah, you spoke only of my birthing hips.
Barnabas Collins: [awkward] Yes...
David Collins: That's enough. Leave us alone.
Angelique Bouchard: I think I'll start by killing you, orphan!
[advances on David]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: David, run!
Barnabas Collins: [to Angelique] Your quarrel is with me!
Angelique Bouchard: My quarrel is with ALL of you!
Barnabas Collins: Here are my terms: Goest thou to hell, and swiftly please, and there may Azmodaeus himself suckle from your diseased teat!
[Barnabas stares at a lava lamp]
Barnabas Collins: What is that thing?
Dr. Julia Hoffman: It's a lamp.
Barnabas Collins: It looks like a pulsating blood urn!
Barnabas Collins: I have spent the last two centuries locked in a box, with nothing to keep me occupied but a glimpse into the dark shadows of my soul.
[Barnabas catches Victoria at Widow's Hill]
Barnabas Collins: [embraces her] I thought I'd lost you!
Victoria Winters: You already have. We can never be together, Barnabas: I belong in the light and you belong in the shadows, I'll age and die while you live on.
Barnabas Collins: We can still find a way...
Victoria Winters: There's only one way.
Barnabas Collins: [immediately understands] No! I will not make you suffer as I have!
[Victoria smiles at him, and falls]
Barnabas Collins: NO!
Barnabas Collins: [enters Dr Hoffman's laboratory] We must intensify our efforts! I have an urgent need to be human again!
[stops short as he sees Julia injecting herself with blood]
Dr. Julia Hoffman: I can explain...
Barnabas Collins: My God! You're not using your blood to make me human. You're using my blood to make yourself immortal!
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Barnabas, you have a gift. You better get a hold over yourself...
Barnabas Collins: The Collins family took you in and bestowed their sacred trust upon you, and you brazenly betray that trust?
Dr. Julia Hoffman: I'm sorry. I just didn't want to grow old. I want to be beautiful, and I want to live forever like you.
Barnabas Collins: I am afraid that is out of the question!
Carolyn Stoddard: Leave us alone!
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Carolyn? Carolyn, my God!
Carolyn Stoddard: I'm a werewolf, okay? Let's not make a big deal out of it. Woof!
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Please forgive me! You're a good man! You're a gentleman! Please, please...
Barnabas Collins: Madam, I am neither good nor gentle! And I do not forgive!
[bites her]
Willie Loomis: Captain Clarney, I'd like you to meet Barnabas Collins.
Clarney: Collins? And uh, why does a Collins want to talk to me?
Barnabas Collins: To offer you a contract.
Clarney: I have a contract. With Angel Bay.
Barnabas Collins: And if I told you I could offer you a better one?
Clarney: Then, Mr. Collins, I would tell you to take a long walk off a short pier.
Barnabas Collins: I seek advice on the art of courting a woman of this time.
Carolyn Stoddard: You obviously mean Vicky.
Barnabas Collins: She has the most fertile birthing hips I've ever set eyes upon.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're weird.
Barnabas Collins: [mistakenly flattered] You really think so?
[Barnabas arrives at Collinwood in 1972]
Barnabas Collins: My beloved home, what have they done to you?
Carolyn Stoddard: [about Barnabas] He's not staying with us forever, is he?
David Collins: I like him.
[from trailer]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Fight on, Barnabas. Fight on for us.
Barnabas Collins: And fight I shall!
Angelique Bouchard: If I can't have you, my love, I'll destroy you!
[describing his liberation at the construction site]
Barnabas Collins: I was awakened, by a giant dragon with millions of teeth and a thousand shining eyes!
Bearded Hippie: You know the best thing about this war? It's so bad, it's gotta be the last one!
Barnabas Collins: [seeing "Scooby-Doo"] This is a very silly play.
Angelique Bouchard: [looks around Collinwood] Whoa, you've really let this place go to hell... right where it belongs.
Angelique Bouchard: So, what are you going to do to me?
David Collins: Not me. My mommy.
[Laura Collins appears]
Barnabas Collins: [he tries to kiss Victoria and she recoils] Oh dear, hath my scent offended thee?
Victoria Winters: No, no! It's just... people I love haven't always loved me back.
Barnabas Collins: Victoria... my sweet Victoria...
[Victoria opens her eyes and is turned into a vampire, reborn as Josette]
Victoria Winters: No... Josette.
Angelique Bouchard: I'm willing to start over, Barnabas! I'm willing to call a truce if you'll just... take me!
Barnabas Collins: I am not what I once was.
Angelique Bouchard: I can change that.
Barnabas Collins: And if I refuse?
Angelique Bouchard: I'll take everything you love, starting with that little creature you've been eying so fondly! The one who looks like JOSETTE!
[throws herself on a couch and opens her legs]
Barnabas Collins: Well then, I suppose, strictly in the name of her honour, I must now defile myself for a few seconds...
Barnabas Collins: [to the police] I am prepared to go with you quietly, providing that no other members of my family come to harm. And that Miss Bouchard accompanies me.
[grabs Angelique]
Barnabas Collins: After all, are not the two of us kindred?
Angelique Bouchard: Go ahead, slaughter me! Show them what you are!
Barnabas Collins: No, I shall show them what WE are!
[Someone enters the mausoleum where Barnabas is imprisoned]
Barnabas Collins: Who's there? Oh, please, I swear on Heaven you will come to no harm! Please! Please! How many decades has it been?
David Collins: It's been twenty minutes.
Barnabas Collins: Oh, Master David! However did you find me?
David Collins: My mommy told me. You must think I'm crazy...
Barnabas Collins: Master David, I think nothing of the sort!
Barnabas Collins: Tell me, what do you know of Barnabas Collins?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Just legends, really. Two centuries ago, a witch turned him into a vampire and locked him away.
Barnabas Collins: What is known of his death?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Nothing.
Barnabas Collins: That, madam, is because he never died. I am Barnabas Collins.
[reveals a secret passage]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Then, you...
Barnabas Collins: I am a vampire, madam. But I am also a Collins, and I swear by all I hold sacred I will not harm anyone under this roof.
[Barnabas hoists up Roger]
Roger Collins: What are you d...?
Barnabas Collins: I am about to do something so repellent, it sickens me to my very core!... I am going to give you a choice: you can either devote every waking moment to being an exemplary father to young David.
Roger Collins: Or...?
Barnabas Collins: Or you can leave, with sufficient funds to provide for the rest of your life.
Barnabas Collins: I know the body of this house as I do my own. Every brick, every passage...
[opens a vault to find it filled with macrame]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: That's where I keep my macrame.
Barnabas Collins: A disgraceful misuse, madam!
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Angelique! Get out of my house!
[fires at Angelique with a shotgun]
Angelique Bouchard: Your house?
[going down a tunnel in the fireplace]
Barnabas Collins: My father had quite a flair for secret passages; as a boy, I took it upon myself to discover each one. But this one is my favourite. "Family is the only real wealth," he would often remark. Though, clearly, he was not opposed to other kinds...
[reveals a vault]
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.
Angelique Bouchard: Here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to destroy everything you love, so that you'll have nothing left in your life but me!
[puts her underwear on Barnabas]
Barnabas Collins: The Collins have always held the biggest and most expensive balls.
Roger Collins: That's what I've been saying, this family needs more balls!
[last words]
Angelique Bouchard: [pulls out her heart, offers it to Barnabas] Take it.
Barnabas Collins: [to Elizabeth] Know this: I mean to stay. I mean to be a part of this family again.
Barnabas Collins: A woman doctor... what an age this is.
Dr. Julia Hoffman: How would you describe Liverpool?
Barnabas Collins: Filthy!
Barnabas Collins: [sees and touches an asphalt road for the first time] Curious terrain.
Barnabas Collins: [narrates] Of all the servants I could have spurned, of all the hearts I could have broken, I got one with a secret. I got the witch.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: His name was Barnabas Collins, and he was the finest man this family ever knew.
Barnabas Collins: [resurrected, at Angelique] WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
Barnabas Collins: [narrates] Angelique had cursed me to be a vampire, so that my suffering would never end.
David Collins: Carolyn, look...
[points at Barnabas's portrait]
Barnabas Collins: Ah, yes! Uncanny, is it not? Worth every hour I spent posing.
Barnabas Collins: I was not aware you were so threatened by my business acumen.
Angelique Bouchard: Hypnotizing fishermen isn't acumen!
Barnabas Collins: What is it that you want, Angelique?
Angelique Bouchard: Your love! Yo DO still love me, don't you, somewhere deep inside that cold but beating heart?
Barnabas Collins: My dear, even Aphrodite herself could not construct a more odious union!
[from trailer]
Barnabas Collins: My name is Barnabas Collins. Two centuries ago, I made Collinwood my home... until a jealous witch cursed me, condemning me to the shadows, for all time.
Barnabas Collins: Hear me, future dweller, you will be my loyal servant, until such time as I release you.
Willie Loomis: So what's first, master?
Barnabas Collins: You will cleanse me, servant!
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: [Barnabas has saved David from being crushed by a falling mirror ball, but is now standing in direct sunlight] Barnabas... you're on fire.
Barnabas Collins: How dare you invade this home with your noxious...
Angelique Bouchard: [kisses him] It really is you!
[Barnabas grabs a construction worker]
Barnabas Collins: I am terribly sorry, but you cannot imagine how thirsty I am...
[bites him]
[as Dr Hoffman's body is dumped]
Barnabas Collins: I don't have to tell you, Willie, that if you breathe a word of this to anyone, I shall have to kill you in a most unpleasant manner.
Willie Loomis: Don't worry Mr. B, I never liked the bitch anyway...
Barnabas Collins: Yes, I killed Dr Hoffman, and those workmen, as well as some very nice unshaven people. For every life I take, a part of my soul dies! But I kill, only because I am COMPELLED to.
Angelique Bouchard: Sleeping flame, I summon thee / To your form return / Make the night as bright as day / And burn, baby, burn!
Barnabas Collins: How soon can the horses be ready?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: We don't have horses, we have a Chevy.
[Barnabas looks confused]
Barnabas Collins: Do you have any idea what you put me through?
Angelique Bouchard: Get over it, Barnabas!
Barnabas Collins: Locked in a box, for over two hundred years!
Angelique Bouchard: Don't exaggerate, it was only a hundred and ninety-six.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: I always thought there was something strange about Angie, but a witch...
Barnabas Collins: It is she whose hate was so strong she turned me into this hideous creature!
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: No, if she had hated you she would have merely killed you. A curse takes devotion.
[first lines]
Barnabas Collins: [narrates] It is said that blood is thicker than water. It is what defines us, binds us... curses us.
[after having sex]
Barnabas Collins: That was a regrettable turn of events.
Angelique Bouchard: You didn't seem to regret it.
Barnabas Collins: Yes. It seems that even in death, I have a weakness for the living flesh... especially yours.
Angelique Bouchard: What a cold way to describe something so hot.
Barnabas Collins: Perhaps. But I cannot succumb to your charms ever again. Please, forgive me.
[receiving transfusions of human blood]
Barnabas Collins: You must have faith, Doctor. For if a man can become a monster, then a monster can become a man.
Victoria Winters: I don't know why, but in some ways I feel I can tell you anything. It's like I've known you forever.
Barnabas Collins: Yes.
Victoria Winters: It's as if I am hypnotized...
Barnabas Collins: Yes... Wait, no! I have used no such trickery upon you, I assure you!
Victoria Winters: I don't know what it is, I just know that there's always been something pulling me here, pulling me to Collinsport and you...
Barnabas Collins: [to a mortally wounded Angelique] So, this is how it ends. There was a time, when I could have loved you. We could have spent eternity together.
Angelique Bouchard: We still... can...
Barnabas Collins: You never loved me. You wanted to control me.
Josette du Pres: Promise me we'll be together.
Barnabas Collins: As Heaven is my witness, Josette, we shall spend eternity together.
Carolyn Stoddard: Woof.
[attacks Angelique]
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Barnabas, may I hypnotize you?
Barnabas Collins: Madam, I do not believe that remotely possi...
[falls asleep]
Barnabas Collins: Balls are demonstration of power. Balls are how the ruling class remains ruling class.
Roger Collins: Exactly what I was saying, this family could use some balls.
Barnabas Collins: Indeed, and the Collin's family have always held the biggest and most wonderful balls.
Angelique Bouchard: Say you love me! Say it!
Barnabas Collins: I am sorry, Angelique. But to do so would be a lie.
Victoria Winters: [about David] He claims to talk to his dead mother. Part of me thinks it's a fantasy, to gain attention. Another part believes it's real, that things such as magic and ghosts do exist. Still, whichever it is to make him happy. I mean as long as one gains happiness, who am I to argue with how they find it?
Barnabas Collins: Eloquently put.
[Josette appears before Victoria]
Josette du Pres: He's coming... he's coming...
Barnabas Collins: I do not feel as though I am becoming more human.
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Give it some time.
Barnabas Collins: Time, Doctor, I have an unfortunate excess of.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're all stiff and proper and old-fashioned.
Barnabas Collins: And Victoria? Is she not proper?
Carolyn Stoddard: She likes to pretend she's rock'n'roll, but she's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.
Barnabas Collins: Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?
Carolyn Stoddard: The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.
Barnabas Collins: Ahhh, music... Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover and I'm a sinner. I play my music in the sun."
[repeated line]
Josette du Pres: Help me...
Dr. Julia Hoffman: David believes his mother is a celestial immortality. Fascinating.
Victoria Winters: Hello, my name is Maggie Ev... Hello, my name is Victoria Winters. Please, call me Vicky.
Barnabas Collins: [locked in a box] Let me out! Let me out, I say! Release me!
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: She's a witch!
[points at Angelique]
Willie Loomis: Fire! Murder! Mob, angry!
Willie Loomis: [drunk] It's October. S'why there's punkins.
Willie Loomis: [brandishes an axe] You're gonna have to go through me!
[Angelique hurls him aside]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Welcome home, Barnabas Collins.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Peace wins every war.
Victoria Winters: Hello. My name is Victoria Winters.
Willie Loomis: Congratulations.
[Barnabas searches for Victoria]
David Collins: She's headed for Widow's Hill!
[Roger leaves Collinwood]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Where is Dr Hoffman when you need her?
Barnabas Collins: Indeed.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: [to Victoria] Welcome to Collinwood. You'll have to imagine us on a better day.

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