Dave Quotes
To avoid a potentially explosive scandal when the U.S. President goes into a coma, an affable temp agency owner with an uncanny resemblance, is put in his place.
Dave: If you've ever seen the look on somebody's face the day they finally get a job, I've had some experience with this, they look like they could fly. And its not about the paycheck, it's about respect, it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day. And if one person could start to feel this way, and then another person, and then another person, soon all these other problems may not seem so impossible. You don't really know how much you can do until you, stand up and decide to try.
Alan Reed: Bob, at some point we're gonna have to call the Vice President.
Bob Alexander: Don't call the Vice President.
Alan Reed: What?
Bob Alexander: Just don't call him, Al.
Alan Reed: The guy's in a coma, Bob!
Bob Alexander: I don't give a shit.
Alan Reed: Bob!
Bob Alexander: This is mine, Alan. All mine. I made him, I built him. And no Boy Scout is going to come in here and take it away from me, just because he happens to be Vice President of the United States.
Bob Alexander: Don't call the Vice President.
Alan Reed: What?
Bob Alexander: Just don't call him, Al.
Alan Reed: The guy's in a coma, Bob!
Bob Alexander: I don't give a shit.
Alan Reed: Bob!
Bob Alexander: This is mine, Alan. All mine. I made him, I built him. And no Boy Scout is going to come in here and take it away from me, just because he happens to be Vice President of the United States.
Bob Alexander: What do you think you're doing?
Dave: What? Oh, you mean the press conference. I had a couple of ideas that I wanted to share with the country.
Bob Alexander: Share? Share? You don't call a press conference. I call a press conference. You're nothing. Do you understand? You're nobody.
Dave: I'm not nobody.
Bob Alexander: You're LINT! You're a FLEA! You're a BLIP!
Dave: Well... maybe I am. But you're fired.
Dave: What? Oh, you mean the press conference. I had a couple of ideas that I wanted to share with the country.
Bob Alexander: Share? Share? You don't call a press conference. I call a press conference. You're nothing. Do you understand? You're nobody.
Dave: I'm not nobody.
Bob Alexander: You're LINT! You're a FLEA! You're a BLIP!
Dave: Well... maybe I am. But you're fired.
Dave: [after reciting Bob Alexander's charges against him] Okay, let's get right to the guts of it: every one of these accusations is absolutely true.
[a sensation passes through the House. Cut to Bob's home, as he and his supporters are watching this on TV; several of them clap him on the back]
Bob Alexander: HO, HO, HO! Die, you pond scum!
Dave: I'm the President, and as they say, the buck stops here. So I take full responsibility for each one of my illegal actions. But that's not the whole story. I think the American people are entitled to the real truth.
[opens his briefcase]
Dave: I have here evidence in the form of notes, letters, and written memoranda, proving that Bob Alexander was involved in each of these illegal acts, and in most cases planned them as well.
[Cut to Bob's house, where a murmur passes through Bob's supporters, and some of them head for the door]
Bob Alexander: Alan.
Dave: Now, allegations of wrongdoing have also been made against Vice President Nance. Now, as this evidence will prove, at no time and in no way was the Vice President involved in any of this affair. Bob just made all that up. Vice President Nance is a good and decent public servant, and I want to apologize for any pain that this has caused him or his family.
[Dave turns and offers his hand. Nance stands and takes it. As they shake, the House applauds. Cut to Bob's home, now empty except for him, as he watches the TV]
[a sensation passes through the House. Cut to Bob's home, as he and his supporters are watching this on TV; several of them clap him on the back]
Bob Alexander: HO, HO, HO! Die, you pond scum!
Dave: I'm the President, and as they say, the buck stops here. So I take full responsibility for each one of my illegal actions. But that's not the whole story. I think the American people are entitled to the real truth.
[opens his briefcase]
Dave: I have here evidence in the form of notes, letters, and written memoranda, proving that Bob Alexander was involved in each of these illegal acts, and in most cases planned them as well.
[Cut to Bob's house, where a murmur passes through Bob's supporters, and some of them head for the door]
Bob Alexander: Alan.
Dave: Now, allegations of wrongdoing have also been made against Vice President Nance. Now, as this evidence will prove, at no time and in no way was the Vice President involved in any of this affair. Bob just made all that up. Vice President Nance is a good and decent public servant, and I want to apologize for any pain that this has caused him or his family.
[Dave turns and offers his hand. Nance stands and takes it. As they shake, the House applauds. Cut to Bob's home, now empty except for him, as he watches the TV]
Dave: You know, I've always wondered about you guys. You know, about how you're trained to take a bullet for the president?
Duane: What about it?
Dave: Is that really true? I mean, would you let yourself be killed to save his life?
Duane: Certainly.
Dave: So, now that means you'd get killed for me too.
Duane: What about it?
Dave: Is that really true? I mean, would you let yourself be killed to save his life?
Duane: Certainly.
Dave: So, now that means you'd get killed for me too.
Dave: You ever think back to how you got started?
Vice-President Nance: Well...
[chuckles]
Vice-President Nance: I was a shoe salesman. Not very happy about it. One day, my wife says to me, "why don't you try running for office? You know, you talk about it all the time. Why don't you just go do it?" So I tell my boss I have a dentist appointment, and go down to the registrar of voters on my lunch break... next thing I know I'm a councilman.
Dave: Really?
Vice-President Nance: My wife was my campaign manager, we had a budget of two thousand dollars - with advertising.
[laughs]
Vice-President Nance: What about you?
Dave: What?
Vice-President Nance: How did you get started?
Dave: [smiles] Kind of the same way.
Vice-President Nance: Well...
[chuckles]
Vice-President Nance: I was a shoe salesman. Not very happy about it. One day, my wife says to me, "why don't you try running for office? You know, you talk about it all the time. Why don't you just go do it?" So I tell my boss I have a dentist appointment, and go down to the registrar of voters on my lunch break... next thing I know I'm a councilman.
Dave: Really?
Vice-President Nance: My wife was my campaign manager, we had a budget of two thousand dollars - with advertising.
[laughs]
Vice-President Nance: What about you?
Dave: What?
Vice-President Nance: How did you get started?
Dave: [smiles] Kind of the same way.
Ellen Mitchell: [after Dave reveals his true identity to Ellen] What do you do for a living?
Dave: You mean, when I'm not running the country?
Ellen Mitchell: Yeah.
Dave: I run a temp agency. You know, secretaries and stuff.
Ellen Mitchell: So you find people jobs.
Dave: Yes.
[Ellen chuckles]
Dave: What? What's so funny?
Ellen Mitchell: It's just, it's more than most people do around here.
Dave: You mean, when I'm not running the country?
Ellen Mitchell: Yeah.
Dave: I run a temp agency. You know, secretaries and stuff.
Ellen Mitchell: So you find people jobs.
Dave: Yes.
[Ellen chuckles]
Dave: What? What's so funny?
Ellen Mitchell: It's just, it's more than most people do around here.
