Dead Man on Campus Quotes

Two college roommates go out and party, resulting in bad grades. They learn of the clause that says, "If your roommate dies, you get an A," and decide to find someone who is on the verge, so to speak, to move in with them.

Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: [after he gets caught singing a show tune by Cooper] Oh fuck me!
Cooper Frederickson: What were you just doing?
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: What? Nothing!
Cooper Frederickson: Oh no, don't tell me nothing, you were just singing a show tune!
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: You're crazy, I'd never do that.
Cooper Frederickson: You can't be suicidal if you're singing show tunes!
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: I am suicidal.
Cooper Frederickson: You're not even depressed!
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: Of course I'm depressed, look at me
[hunches over]
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: I'm very fucking depressed.
Cooper Frederickson: You fucking poser!
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: [loses his accent] Hey man, I'm not a fucking...
Cooper Frederickson: You're not even British!

Cliff: I really shouldn't be driving, I have a suspended license.
Cooper Frederickson: Really? For what?
Cliff: Attempted vehiclular manslaughter... whatever the FUCK that means!

Clifford 'Cliff' O'Malley: who wants to do a bong... how about you

Cliff: I live in a Frat House, right? And these fuckers wanna kick me out for not observing quiet hour!
[shouting]
Cliff: Well, they can SUCK my QUIET COCK!

Cliff: They hate it when you do this.
[shoots gun at cops]

Cooper Frederickson: Young man! Where have you been? I was up all night worried sick. Do you know what time it is?
Josh Miller: I LOVE college. I love everything about it. The people, the freedom. This room. This chair. Look at this chair!
Cooper Frederickson: You had sex last night didn't you?
Josh Miller: That's a nice shirt.

Zeke: This is my brother's Ritalin. Ritalin's good for studying math or science, just don't try to write English papers on it or it won't make any sense. Enjoy that.

Josh Miller: I'm not gonna commit suicide, if that's what you're thinking.
Cooper Frederickson: Aw come on Josh, you're fucked anyway. At least this way, one of us comes out on top.
Josh Miller: Then you kill YOURself.
Cooper Frederickson: Naw, I just couldn't see that working.

Cooper Frederickson: My father's right. I'm a fuck-up. I'm a total fuck-up. You may be having this little holiday in Fuck-up Land, but I live here permanently.

Cliff: Come on man! Just kick me in the junk!

Josh Miller: It was so easy. I mean, I didn't have to do anything. To make it happen. It was just like. "Time for sex. We're gonna have sex now. Prepare for sex."

Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: [singing] My words in my sperm, spewing forth my tragic...
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: What the fuck do you two what?
Josh Miller: Are you a musician?
Cooper Frederickson: Are you in a band?
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: Kiss... My... Arse.
Josh Miller: What?
[Josh and Cooper look at each other puzzled]
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: That's the name of the bleeding band.
Josh Miller: Oh, you're gonna be playing the big pre-finals party.
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: Yeah, that's right - if I'm still around.
Cooper Frederickson: What do you mean?
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: And who the fuck are you? Fucking Kurt Loader!
[shouting]
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: WOULD YOU PISS OFF AND SHUT MY FUCKING DOOR!
[Josh and Cooper hurriedly close the door, but remain in the room]
Matthew 'Matt' Noonan: Piss off!
Josh Miller: Oh, Piss off
Cooper Frederickson: [On the way out of the room] What the fuck does piss off mean?

Cooper Frederickson: You can't sing show tunes and be depressed!

Cliff: Zeke!
Zeke: [terrified] Cliff!
Cliff: How you been man? I haven't seen you since high school!
Zeke: I-I thought you were dead.
Cliff: No! But about THIS close though!

Cliff: Do you guys ever get really horny?
Cooper Frederickson: Depends where you're going with this.

Cliff: [rapping] My name is Cliff, brother of Joe. I got me some crack. I want me some hoes!

Josh Miller: There's only one thing that can save you now.
Cooper Frederickson: What? Valium?
Josh Miller: No, studying! You need to study.
Cooper Frederickson: What? You're insane!

Cooper Frederickson: You know what my dad does for a living? He cleans toilets. Yeah, he own this whole, toilet cleaning company and it's big. It's huge. And he's an incredible... asshole!
[chuckles]
Cooper Frederickson: Yeah I call him Flushles, the Toilet Cleaning Clown...

Clifford 'Cliff' O'Malley: Whoa. Which one of you painted this?
Rachel Gillmore: Uhh... I did.
Clifford 'Cliff' O'Malley: It's soooo smooth.