A funeral ceremony turns into a debacle of exposed family secrets and misplaced bodies.

Martha: Simon.
Simon: [from behind the locked bathroom door] Simon.
Martha: Simon!
Simon: Simon.
Martha: Si!
Simon: ...Mon.
Daniel: [looks into coffin] Who is this?
Undertaker: Pardon me?
Daniel: That's not my father.
Undertaker: [checking] Oh shit, we've taken the wrong one.
[last lines]
Uncle Alfie: [on the roof, naked and high] Everything's so fucking green.
Simon: [unravelling a roll of toilet paper] Go, go! Join the others!
Daniel: My father was an exceptional man!
[pause]
Daniel: He may not have been a perfect man, but he was a good man, and he loved us. All I wanted to do today was to give him a dignified send-off. Is that really so much to ask? So, maybe, maybe he had some things he liked to do. Life isn't simple, it's complicated. We're all just thrown in here together, in a world full of chaos and confusion, a world full of questions and no answers, death always lingering around the corner, and we do our best. We can only do our best, and my dad did his best. He always tried to tell me that you have to go for what you want in life because you never know how long you're going to be here. And whether you succeed or you fail, the most important thing is to have tried. And apparently no one will guide you in the right direction, in the end you have to learn for yourself. You have to grow up yourself. So when you all leave here today, I would like you to remember my father for who he really was: a decent, loving man. If only we could be as giving and generous and as understanding as my father was. Then the world would be a far better place.
[repeated line]
Daniel: My father was an exceptional man...
Uncle Alfie: I'm about to shit in my trousers.
Elaine: You're going to be a father.
Oscar: I'm pregnant?
Elaine: No. I'm pregnant.
Oscar: You're pregnant too?
Justin: You can't fight what we had together.
Martha: Justin, it was one night. It was a massive mistake. I was drunk out of my mind. You could have been a donkey!
Robert: What are you doing in my dad's coffin?
[first lines]
Daniel: [giving instructions to the pallbearers] Just, uh, straight through there and to the left, please.
Aaron: Let me get this straight: our father was romantically involved with a guy that could fit in his pocket, and you're mad because he's white?
Justin: [jauntily] Hey, you look nice.
Martha: I'm dressed for a funeral.
Simon: Why are my hands so big?
Ryan: Look at Martina, man the girl's all grown up.
Aaron: You mean little Martina? She's like in the 12th grade.
Ryan: Well she may be in 12th grade, but that ass is in grad school.
Cynthia: [to her childless daughter in law] You can't understand death until you've given life.
Martha: We're on our way to a funeral you wanker! Don't you have any respect?
Robert: [staring at coffin] Well, this is bloody grim, isn't it?
Martha: What did you just say?
Troy: I said the Valium you gave to Simon wasn't actually Valium. It's an hallucinogenic concoction. You know, stuff like acid, mescaline, a little ketamine.
Martha: This isn't funny, Troy.
Troy: I'm not being funny. Look at him. He's off his tits!
Martha: You absolute little twat! What the hell are you doing leaving this stuff around your flat?
Troy: I didn't know someone was going to take it, did I? I mean who just goes into someone else's flat and takes random pills?
Martha: They were in a Valium bottle!
Simon: [the coffin starts moving] I knew it!
Troy: If he jumps, I'm fucked.
Simon: [hallucinating] Was there a dog in here just now?
[Repeated line]
Ryan: [to Aaron] I'm Grievin'.
Jeff: He got in a fight with the table, and the table won.
Jane: Would you like a cup of tea, Sandra?
Sandra: Tea can do many things, Jane, but it can't bring back the dead.
Uncle Russell: Hey, let me tell you something about women. Smarter than you think they are, but not nearly as smart as *they* think they are.
Norman: You still smokin' that stuff?
Derek: No no no, I'm gonna stop, all right? *You* used to smoke, we used to smoke *together*.
Norman: I used to piss my pants and then I stopped!

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