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When a woman learns of an immortality treatment, she sees it as a way to outdo her long-time rival.
Madeline Ashton: Wrinkled, wrinkled little star... hope they never see the scars.
Madeleine: Could you just not breathe?
Lisle Von Rhuman: This is life's ultimate cruelty. It offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay.
Ernest Menville: Where did you put my wife? Second Doctor: She's dead, sir. They took her to the morgue. Ernest Menville: The morgue? She'll be FURIOUS!
Madeline Ashton: Bottoms up! [Madeline drinks the potion] Lisle Von Rhoman: Now, a warning. Madeline Ashton: NOW a warning?
[Helen has a gaping hole in her abdomen] Madeline Ashton: You're a fraud, Helen! You're a walking lie and I can see right through you.
Madeline Ashton: Ernest... my ass! I can see MY ASS!
Ernest Menville: 'Til death do us part! Well, you girls are dead. And I'm parting.
[Helen and Madeleine shatter into pieces after falling down stairs] Helen: Do you remember where you parked the car?
Helen Sharp: On guard, BITCH!
Ernest Menville: She's dead! Madeline Ashton: She is? Oh. These are the moments that make life worth living.
Anna: How about a nice colagen buff? Madeline Ashton: "A colagen buff"? You might as well ask me to wash with soap and water! Anna: I could do your make-up myself... Madeline Ashton: Make-up is POINTLESS! It does nothing anymore! Are you even listening to me? Do you even care? You stand there with your 22-year- old skin and your tits like ROCKS and laugh at me... [sobs]
Emergency Room Doctor: I tell you what, kids, it's, uh, odd thing here. Your wrist, uh, far as I can tell, is, uh, fractured in three places. Uh, and you've shattered, uh, two vertebrae, though I can't be certain without an X-ray... The bone protrusion through the skin - that's not a good sign. You're body temperature is below 80, and your, your, your heart's stopped beating. Ernest Menville: What the hell does that mean? Emergency Room Doctor: Exactly! What... what... I'm going to get a second opinion. [the doctor leaves in a hurry] Madeline Ashton: Well, it could be worse.
Helen: Oh ok! Well if she's not dead, you tell her to come down here, come right up to me and kiss me on the... Madeline: Kiss you on the what? Helen: Mad? Madeline: Hel...
[Helen has a gaping hole in her abdomen after being shot into a pool] Helen: Look at me, Ernest! Just look at me! I'm soaking wet!
Helen: Oh, gosh, I'm glad you came. I didn't know if you would. I spoke to my PR woman and she said Madeleine Ashton goes to the opening of an envelope. Oh, those people can be so cruel! Madeleine: Mmmm. Helen: I fired her. Madeleine: [pleased] Oh! Helen: Well, I almost fired her.
[after seeing Mad] Helen Sharp: It's alive! [Cut line] Helen Sharp: And it's beautiful...
[Lisle demonstrates the potion] Madeline Ashton: Check ok? Lisle Von Rhuman: Fine.
Helen: She was a homebreaker. She was a man-eater. And she was a *bad* actress.
Lisle Von Rhuman: Go on... Drink it... It is the completion of your life's work. You gave other people youth and wasted your own! Drink. And you will be able to work again forever! Drink... drink, Dr. Menville. You owe yourself another chance! Drink! It's the right choice! The *only* choice! Drink! SEMPRE VIVE! LIVE FOREVER! Ernest Menville: Then what? Lisle Von Rhuman: What? Ernest Menville: Then what happens? Lisle Von Rhuman: What? Ernest Menville: I don't want to live forever. I mean, it sounds good, but what am I gonna do? What if I get bored? Lisle Von Rhuman: What? Ernest Menville: And what if I get lonely? Who am I gonna hang around with, Madeleine and Helen?
[about his wife] Ernest: Is it up yet?
[after seeing her transformation] Madeline Ashton: I'm a girl!
[Lisle scolds one of her "boys"] Lisle Von Rhoman: Make some room for my friend, for Chrissake. But... keep your ass handy.
Madeline Ashton: Oh, for Christ's sake, at least lie quickly! Dakota: I'm trying to!
Madeleine: Look at you. You have a... waist.
Helen: She married a brilliant surgeon, and turned him into an undertaker.
[Helen pours alcohol all over Madeline's car and then dumps the bottles inside, revealing dozens of bottles and alcohol everywhere] Helen: We'll make it look like she's had just a little bit too much to drink...
Madeleine: I just want you to know one thing... [Madeleine points gun at Helen] Madeleine: You brought this on yourself. Ernest: Madeleine! [Madeleine shoots Helen and Ernest screams]
Lisle Von Rhoman: You're scared as Hell... of yourself. Of the body you once knew. Madeline Ashton: I beg your pardon? Lisle Von Rhoman: I am the one who understands. I am the one who knows your secret.
Madeleine: You're dressed. Special occasion?
Ernest Menville: [at Helen's book party] Have you seen her yet? Madeline: What a joke. She's not even here. Ernest Menville: Wait. Look over there. Madeline: [a heavy-set woman stands surrounded by people] Oh! Looks as though she's lost a few pou- [the heavy set lady moves out of the way to reveal the incredibly thin Helen Sharp]
[Lisle has just stabbed Ernest's finger with the dagger] Ernest Menville: Ah! Wha-what are you doing? Lisle Von Rhuman: I'm loving you.
Helen Sharp: You're a powerful sexual being, Ernest. Ernest Menville: I am? Helen Sharp: Yes, you are. If I never told you before, it was because I wasn't the sort of girl who could say the word "sexual" without blushing. Well I can now. Sexual... sensual... sexy... sex... sex... sex...
Madeleine: Oh, it's you. Ernest: Fine, dear, thank you, like a rock.
Dakota: I'm completely alone. Girl at Dakota's: Dakota... Dakota: Actually... Completely isn't quite what I meant.
Lisle: We are creatures of the spring, you and I.
Lisle Von Rhoman: Go on... Drink it... It is the completion of your life's work. You gave other people youth, and wasted your own! Drink. And you will be able to work again- forever! Drink... Drink, Dr. Menville... You owe yourself another chance! Drink! It's the right choice! The *only* choice! Drink! SEMPRE VIVE! LIVE FOREVER! [Crash of thunder and lightning]
Lisle Von Rhoman: How old would you guess I am? C'mon, don't try to flatter me. Madeline Ashton: Thirty-eight? [Lisle Von Rhoman glares at her] Madeline Ashton: TWENTY-eight... no, twenty-three...
Madeleine: You should learn not to compete with me. I always win! Helen: You may have always won, but you never played fair! Madeleine: Who cares how I played? I won!
Helen: Ernest, ask me to go. Ask me to leave this house immediately! Ernest: You just got here!
Lisle: But you'll never grow old! Ernest: Yes, but everybody else will! I'll have to watch everyone around me die. I don't think this is right. This is not a dream. This is a nightmare!
Helen: You have no talent for poverty.
Lisle: Drink that potion, and you'll never grow even one day older. Don't drink it, and continue to watch yourself rot.
[Lisle stabs his finger] Ernest: What are you doing? Lisle: I'm loving you.
Lisle: You are like Don Quixote, tilting at Nature's windmills.
Madeline Ashton: Ernest! You pushed me down the stairs.
[upon discovering her neck has twisted a complete 180 degrees] Madeline Ashton: Ernest... my ass! I can *see*... my ASS! Ernest Menville: And there's something really wrong with your neck too.
Ernest: Well, from now on, I'm going to be the kind of idiot I want to be!
Anna: Mr.Chagall! I'm sorry, Mr.Chagall. I'm really, really sorry. Chagall: Anna, don't talk, just go away. Leave us alone, I don't want to look at you anymore. Anna: Oh, okay. Chagall: Thank you so much.
Lisle Von Rhuman: [Emerges from her pool wearing only high heels] I hope you don't mind that Harry and Dick had to dress you... You were inproperly attired, for the occasion. Ernest Menville: What occasion? Lisle Von Rhuman: I'm throwing a party upstairs... I throw one every Spring, for my clients. Ernest Menville: All right... ok... what do you want with me? Lisle Von Rhuman: For you... I'd like to give a present... The gift of life and youth, forever...
Helen: You can't raise an eyebrow without major surgery!
Ernest Menville: [after the sample of potion] Oh my god... Lisle Von Rhuman: Oh! Thank you!
Helen Sharp: By the time they perform the autopsy, the narconal will be completely dissolved leaving only traces of alcohol. She'll be classified as just "another drunk-driver". They'll check her blood alcohol. Coroner: [Coroner picks up charred hand with bottle] .40... She had it coming. [Drops hand, bottle brakes] Helen Sharp: And think nothing more of it. Helen Sharp: The case is closed, Madeline is dead, and we're free!
Anna: I am sorry, but the plasma separation is a very traumatic process to the body! Our policy clearly prohibits more than one in a six-month period. Madeline: So? It's been nearly that long already. Anna: Miss Ashton, you had one three weeks ago.
Madeline Ashton: [after she discovers Dakota has a girl over] Who is the little piece of meat?
Helen Sharp: [Helen throws a Spade at Madeleine, who catches it] En garde! *Bitch*! Ernest Menville: Girls, girls! Let's just calm down! I'm sure we can settle this peacefully and nego... WHOA!
Ernest: Is this an angel I see before me?
Madeline: [From trailer] Dead? Ernest is dead? Everybody's dead!
Helen: Madeleine! I need to speak to Madeleine! Ernest: She's not here. Helen: Oh, thank god.
Madeleine: I... fell down the stairs Emergency Room Doctor: Whoopsie!
Lisle: He won't get far. Not at his age.
Helen: I will not speak to you 'til you put your head on straight.
Ernest: You're sitting there, you're talking to me, but you're dead!
Madeline Ashton: Drink it! Helen: You have to! Madeline Ashton: We need you! [Ernest lets go]
[Madeline Ashton is requesting another plasma separation] Madeline Ashton: Are you listening to me? Do you even care? You just stand there with your 22-year-old skin and your tits like rocks and laugh, and... [sobs]
[Rose is serving breakfast in bed to Madeline Ashton] Rose: Good morning, madam. You look absolutely marvelous. Madeline Ashton: Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you forgetting something? Rose: Well, it's only Thursday - you told me just to say it... Madeline Ashton: Well, never mind that. I think I need you to say it every morning. Rose: Very well. "Oh, madam! You look younger every day!" Madeline Ashton: Thank you, Rose. Thank you very much.
Lisle Von Rhuman: [Lisle is about to give Madeline a potion that grants eternal youth and beauty] But you must make me a promise. The secret that we share must never become public. You may continue your career for ten years. Ten years of perfect, unchanged beauty. But at the end of that time, before people start to become suspicious, you have to disappear from public view forever. You can retire, you can stage your own phony death, or... as one of my clients simply said, I want to be alone. Madeline Ashton: No. She... Lisle Von Rhuman: [Lisle nods]
Madeline Ashton: [reading the title of Helen's new book] "Forever Young?"... Rose: I like that title. Madeline Ashton: [Cackling] Ah, forever young... and eternally fat...
Madeleine: Do you know that they do to soft, bald, overweight Republicans in prison, Ernest?
Madeleine: Tell me, doctor. Do you think I'm starting to need you?
Psychologist: You have got to forget about her! You have got to erase her from your mind. You have to completely eliminate any tra... Helen Sharp: What? Psychologist: You have to completely eliminate... Helen Sharp: You're right. Psychologist: What? Helen Sharp: You're absolutely right!
[after being shot into a pond, by Madeline] Helen: That was totally uncalled for.
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