Death to Smoochy Quotes
Kids show host Rainbow Randolph is fired in disgrace while his replacement, Sheldon Mopes, aka Smoochy the Rhino, finds himself a rising star. Unfortunately for Sheldon, the kid's TV business isn't all child's play.
[Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped Cookie made by Randolph]
Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.
Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.
[his theme song]
Randolph: Friends come in all sizes/ That's a fact, it's true/ All the colours of rainbow/ From mauve to blue/ The names are different/ The shoes don't match/ Some like to toss/ And others to catch/ One might say grasp while the other says snatch/ Because... friends come in all sizes/ Take it from me/ Golly gee/ Size doesn't matter/ When you want some friendly patter/ From a pal who is true/ And will lift you up when you're blue/ You can count on him/ He can count on you/ It's true/ It's true/ Friends come in all sizes!/
[repeat three times]
Randolph: Yes, they do!
Randolph: Friends come in all sizes/ That's a fact, it's true/ All the colours of rainbow/ From mauve to blue/ The names are different/ The shoes don't match/ Some like to toss/ And others to catch/ One might say grasp while the other says snatch/ Because... friends come in all sizes/ Take it from me/ Golly gee/ Size doesn't matter/ When you want some friendly patter/ From a pal who is true/ And will lift you up when you're blue/ You can count on him/ He can count on you/ It's true/ It's true/ Friends come in all sizes!/
[repeat three times]
Randolph: Yes, they do!
Burke: It's all about the dough, Shel. Once you get the money, you get the power. Once you get the power, you can have Smoochy walk out there with a dildo strapped to his head if you want.
Sheldon: [long pause] I don't think I've thought of that idea specifically, but I? I do see where you're going with this.
Sheldon: [long pause] I don't think I've thought of that idea specifically, but I? I do see where you're going with this.
Randolph: What about Wally the Whale?
Sheldon: Laura, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?
Randolph: There she blows!
Sheldon: I don't believe this is happening. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.
Nora: Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it but, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.
Sheldon: Laura, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?
Randolph: There she blows!
Sheldon: I don't believe this is happening. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.
Nora: Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it but, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.
Randolph: I loathe you!
[kicks the TV onto the floor]
Randolph: Bastard Son of Barney!
[Pulls the shade off a lamp and starts smashing it with the stand]
Randolph: Die! Die, you stuffed son of fluff! You illegitimate Teletubby! Die, you Muppet from hell!
Randolph: [Angelo enters] Die, you foam motherfucker!
Randolph: Die! Die!
Angelo Pike: What are you doing? That's a picture in picture!
Randolph: ...it was an accident.
[kicks the TV onto the floor]
Randolph: Bastard Son of Barney!
[Pulls the shade off a lamp and starts smashing it with the stand]
Randolph: Die! Die, you stuffed son of fluff! You illegitimate Teletubby! Die, you Muppet from hell!
Randolph: [Angelo enters] Die, you foam motherfucker!
Randolph: Die! Die!
Angelo Pike: What are you doing? That's a picture in picture!
Randolph: ...it was an accident.
Randolph: Didn't she tell you of the love we once had. Passionate yet tender, old-fashioned yet experimental.
Sheldon: Randolph, you have lost your mind.
Randolph: Oh, enlighten the lad, Nora. You were such a hot little brood mare, does the bridle still fit?
Sheldon: Hey, watch your mouth mister!
Nora: What experiments? I've had firmer handshakes, ya drunk.
Randolph: Please, it's small but, it's fierce!
Sheldon: Randolph, you have lost your mind.
Randolph: Oh, enlighten the lad, Nora. You were such a hot little brood mare, does the bridle still fit?
Sheldon: Hey, watch your mouth mister!
Nora: What experiments? I've had firmer handshakes, ya drunk.
Randolph: Please, it's small but, it's fierce!
[Merv got kidnapped by the mob]
Merv Green: It was a mistake! an Honest mistake! I only did it to help the Children!
Tommy: You like kids, eh?
Merv Green: Yes!
Tommy: You like fairy tales, then?
Merv Green: Yeah!
Tommy: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.
Merv Green: It was a mistake! an Honest mistake! I only did it to help the Children!
Tommy: You like kids, eh?
Merv Green: Yes!
Tommy: You like fairy tales, then?
Merv Green: Yeah!
Tommy: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.
Tommy: [Breaks open the door] Well, if it isn't Mr. Rainbow, how lovely to see you in the flesh... c'mere!
[Lifts Randolph up off the couch by his sweater and grabs him by the front of his neck]
Tommy: Now, you want to tell me about The Rhino?
Randolph: [strangulated] This is private property, you're fucking trespassing...
[Tommy throws him headfirst into the piano, with the ceramic pot falling off of it and breaking and he lands back first on the floor]
Tommy: Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little back rub.
[Danny picks him up and holds him up by the back of his sweater]
Tommy: Start yakkin', friend!
Randolph: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm minding my own business here, you're violating my private sp...
[Danny throws him towards the opposite wall]
Randolph: AAAAAAACE!
[Hits the wall with his whole body and slides down, then Danny lifts him up over his head with both hands and smashes him through a table]
Randolph: All right, you spud sucking fucks! I'm suing your riverdance ass!
[with a mocking Irish Accent]
Randolph: I'm gonna send you all the way back hooome, huh?
Tommy: Roy, have you got the hammer?
Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.
[pulls out a chisel hammer]
Randolph: [Danny grabs holds him up by the collar] I did it! It was me! It was all me! Thank god we cleared up everything without further violence.
[brief pause, then cuts to Randolph's perspective as Danny punches him hard in the face and everything goes black]
[Lifts Randolph up off the couch by his sweater and grabs him by the front of his neck]
Tommy: Now, you want to tell me about The Rhino?
Randolph: [strangulated] This is private property, you're fucking trespassing...
[Tommy throws him headfirst into the piano, with the ceramic pot falling off of it and breaking and he lands back first on the floor]
Tommy: Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little back rub.
[Danny picks him up and holds him up by the back of his sweater]
Tommy: Start yakkin', friend!
Randolph: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm minding my own business here, you're violating my private sp...
[Danny throws him towards the opposite wall]
Randolph: AAAAAAACE!
[Hits the wall with his whole body and slides down, then Danny lifts him up over his head with both hands and smashes him through a table]
Randolph: All right, you spud sucking fucks! I'm suing your riverdance ass!
[with a mocking Irish Accent]
Randolph: I'm gonna send you all the way back hooome, huh?
Tommy: Roy, have you got the hammer?
Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.
[pulls out a chisel hammer]
Randolph: [Danny grabs holds him up by the collar] I did it! It was me! It was all me! Thank god we cleared up everything without further violence.
[brief pause, then cuts to Randolph's perspective as Danny punches him hard in the face and everything goes black]
