Deconstructing Harry Quotes

Suffering from writer's block and eagerly awaiting his writing award, Harry Block remembers events from his past and scenes from his best-selling books as characters, real and fictional, come back to haunt him.

Harry Block: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.

[Talking about life]
The Devil: It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.

Harry Block: You know, I cannot understand why the most sophisticated of women can't tell the difference between a meaningless, hot, passionate sexual affair and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage.
Joan: [breaking down] Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others?
Harry Block: No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying.
Joan: You're an atheist, Harry!
Harry Block: Wha-hey, we're alone in the universe, you're going to blame that on me, too?
Joan: [angrily tears papers from typewriter] Stop your tap-dancing...

Doris: You have no values. With you its all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry Block: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!

Burt: Do you care even about the holocaust, or do you think it never happened?
Harry Block: Not only do I know that we lost 6 million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken

Harry Block: Does the president think of fucking every woman he meets? Oh sorry, bad example.

Doris: It's tradition.
Harry Block: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

Harry: [to a suffering damned soul in Hell] What did you do?
Damned Man: I invented aluminum siding.

Grandma: [Unaware that Leslie is fellating Ken because she is blind] Boy, you must really love onions!

Harry: Cookie, do you know what a black hole is?
Cookie: Sure, that's how I make my livin'!

Harry's Father: I'm a Jew. I don't believe in Heaven.
Harry Block: Where do you want to go?
Harry's Father: A Chinese restaurant.

Harry Block: The most important words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign."

Joan: So now you're blaming me because I don't go out with you enough, to meet strangers to FUCK!

Harry Block: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Harry Block: Between air conditioning and the Pope, I chose air conditioning.

Harry Block: Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.

Harry Block: What? You have air-conditioning in Hell?
The Devil: Sure! Fucks up the ozone layer!

Harry: The ironic thing is that the school that kicked me out is honoring me soon.
Shrink: Why did they kick you out?
Harry: Because I wasn't interested in college. I wanted to be a writer and that's all I cared about. Also, I tried to give the Dean's wife an enema. They didn't take kindly to that.

Harry Block: I'm a guy who can't function well in life but can in art.

Harry Block: Six shrinks later, three wives down the line, and I still can't get my life together.

Harry Block: [to his brother-in-law Bert] I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.

Harry Block: The two most important things are the work that you choose and sex.

Harry Block: Look, I was merely explaining to you why my choice of necessity is confined to your practice.

Lucy: You take everyone's suffering and turn it into gold, LITERARY GOLD!

Harry Block: [referring to Cookie] She's got a PhD, this girl.
Doris: Really?
[Sarcastically]
Doris: I don't know how she did on her written, but I'm sure she got an A on her orals!

The Devil: You ever fuck a blind girl?
Harry Block: No. That I never did.
The Devil: Oh, they're so grateful.

Cookie: How come you got all this money?
Harry Block: I always keep hooker money around, you know, 'cause I once paid by check years ago and the I.R.S. killed me.

Harry Block: [after sex] Cookie, you're a definite artist. They should put your lips in the Smithsonian.

Harry Block: [to his brother-in-law] I don't think you're a paranoid. I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that everybody likes you!

Harry Block: Can I be honored and then arrested?