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A political consultant tries to explain his impending divorce and past relationships to his 11-year-old daughter.
April: Oooh? What are you gonna say? Will Hayes: I'm still working on it I don't know April: OH! You should work it on with me you should practice with me; I'm really good at that. [Walks over to the railing] April: I'll be Emily. April: I'm Emily your college sweetheart is there something you wanted to ask me? Will Hayes: Emily... April: Wait! You gotta get down on your knee Will Hayes: No I'm not getting down on my knee April: [Walks towards Will] She'll like it; she'll like seeing you down on your knee... Will Hayes: I'm not getting down on my knee April: [Rolls her eyes and walks back to the railing and turns around] Such a mistake! Okay Will Hayes: Emily... April: Yes William? Will Hayes: Don't make me laugh! Emily will you... um... marry me? April: No Will Hayes: Oh my god... April: What do you mean, 'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfil an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda? Will Hayes: Oh! Oh, my God. April: You should've got on your knee. Will Hayes: Just shut up! Here... I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me? April: Definitely. Maybe.
Will Hayes: I had two serious girlfriends... and then some other smattering of other women. [Notices Maya looking strangely at him] Will Hayes: What? Maya Hayes: What's the boy word for 'slut'? Will Hayes: They still haven't come up with one yet. But I'm sure they're working on it.
Will Hayes: I kept the book... April: Yeah? Will Hayes: Because it was the only thing that I had left of you.
Maya Hayes: What's a threesome? Will Hayes: It's a game, that adults play sometimes... When they're bored. Maya Hayes: ...Whatever.
Maya Hayes: Dad, I can't believe you smoked... and drank... and was such a slut... But I still love you.
Maya Hayes: You're right, it is complicated, isn't it? I mean, you're in love with April, who used to be in love with Lucas, and then she fell in love with you, but you were in love with Summer, who was always really in love with Hampton, and now that you're in love with April she's in love with Kevin... and no one's in love with you. That's complicated. Will Hayes: Yep.
[Maya and Sarah are walking away, Maya turns around] Maya Hayes: Dad! [Will turns around, Maya runs to him, Will kneels] Maya Hayes: Thanks for telling me the story. Will Hayes: You're welcome. I didn't tell you the happy ending. Maya Hayes: [getting tears] What is it? Will Hayes: You.
Maya Hayes: I really liked Summer. I can't believe she turned out to be such a... Will Hayes: Heartbreaker? Maya Hayes: No... Will Hayes: Opportunist? Maya Hayes: Uh-uh... Will Hayes: Double-crossing... Maya Hayes: Bitch. Will Hayes: Maya! Maya Hayes: How could she do that to you? Will Hayes: Like she said, if she didn't write it someone else would've. It was the truth. Maya Hayes: So did she? Did she break it? Will Hayes: What? [Maya points to her heart. Will smiles and kisses her cheek]
April: Pack of American Eagles, blue, please. Simon: 4.25. Will Hayes: 4.25? You pay four dollars and twenty-five cents for a pack of cigarettes? April: They don't put as many chemicals in them. Will Hayes: So those are healthy cigarettes. April: Something like that. Will Hayes: So, if there's not as many chemicals in them they should cost less, not more, don't you think? April: They put saltpeter in your cigarettes, which make them burn faster, which make you smoke more. Which means, at the end of the day, your cigarettes actually cost more, not less.
Maya Hayes: Hold it! Stop, stop right there! You smoked? Will Hayes: No!... Yeah. But... I didn't mean to tell you that. Listen, I was young and I was stupid, and I haven't smoked in years, I promise you. Maya Hayes: Is there anything *else* you should tell me? Will Hayes: Probably... not.
April: You and me, it'd kinda be like cats and dogs. Will Hayes: Oil and water. April: Sand paper and bare ass. Will Hayes: That's gross.
April: Come on let's dance. Will Hayes: No April: Why? Will Hayes: Ok
Will Hayes: Fine, I'm gonna tell you the story, but I'm not telling you who your mom is. Maya Hayes: Fine! Will Hayes: You're just gonna have to figure it out for yourself. Maya Hayes: Good! Will Hayes: And I'm changing all of the names, and some of the facts. I just decided that right now. Then we'll see how smart you are. Maya Hayes: It like it, it's like a love story mystery.
Maya Hayes: Poor April. Just like the character in the story. Who's always been the friend then she realized she doesn't just want to be the friend she wants to be the *girl*friend. Except it's too late. Will Hayes: What do you mean? Maya Hayes: Weren't you listening? She came home for you.
Maya Hayes: If Summer does turn out to be my mother, I'm running away to Canada. I am *not* kidding.
Bookstore Owner #1: Jane Eyre. Random House 1943. Um it's a beautiful edition known for the um cover illustration. But there's a real nice dedication inside with a quote from the book. "To my darling daughter, April. The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept" Will Hayes, Bookstore Owner #1: "in silence sealed." Will Hayes: "The thought, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, whose charms were broken if revealed. From you loving father."
April: I don't know and I don't know how to know, you know?
Maya Hayes: I'm guessing you weren't her first boyfriend. Maybe it was some nerdy guy, or maybe he was mean. Or maybe, you were friends for the longest time, and then just when you were about to put your penis in somebody else's vagina... Will Hayes: Okay. Good night Maya. Maya Hayes: ...you realized Mom was the only one for you! Will Hayes: Bedtime!
Maya Hayes: I love penguins. Emily: Me, too. Will Hayes: Me, three. Maya Hayes: Did you know that penguins mate for life? Although, Mr. Monell told us that sometimes the husband and wife penguins get separated because of their migraine patterns. Will Hayes, Emily: Migratory. Maya Hayes: Well, sometimes they're apart for years, but they almost always find each other. Do you know what the husband and wife penguins do after they find each other after all that time? Throw back their heads, flap their flippers, and sing as loud as they can! [imitating a penguin] Maya Hayes: Wah wah wah!
Maya Hayes: Did you know that 35 people try to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge each year, most because of broken hearts? Will Hayes: I'll keep that in mind.
Maya Hayes: How come you changed all names except hers? Will Hayes: What do you mean? Maya Hayes: In the story, you know like mom became Emily, and Summer's that Natasha lady who writes for that magazine... But you didn't change April's. Why? Will Hayes: Why - Why are you so concerned with this anyway? Maya Hayes: Because I want you to be happy. Will Hayes: You know, I'm happy. Maya Hayes: Trust me, dad. You're not happy. Will Hayes: [Long pause] Put on your coat.
Will Hayes: [hands Summer a bouquet of flowers] These are for you. Summer Hartley: Oh, Will! Oh, they're beautiful. So are you. Will Hayes: Summer. Don't mess with me. I can see where you're going with this. In a second you're going to say something impossibly charming. Summer Hartley: Really? Will Hayes: Yeah, it's gonna be great. And then you're gonna sweep me off my feet, and we all know where that's going. Summer Hartley: [laughing] Can't a girl miss a guy? Will Hayes: Yeah she can, but I just don't really have time for the pain.
Will Hayes: This song is an excellent cure for the will to live.
Summer Hartley: Dumped me for a sophomore. Told me it was for my own good. Will Hayes: Everybody seems to be using that line these days.
[about Clinton's affair] Russell T. McCormack: Arms for oil, no problem. But a little 'oral-ness' and you're headed for impeachment. Will Hayes: Maybe he should be impeached. Kelly: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you did not just say that! [Russell, Gareth and Anne make similar exclamations] April: You love him! Will Hayes: We all did! We thought he was gonna be different then the other jokers, but this guy, he can't even define the word 'is'! What happens if they give him one of the hard words, like 'truth'?
[wanting her dad to tell her the story of how he and her mother met] Maya Hayes: Tell me how it happened. And the real story, not the "Oh, we met, we fell in love, and we decided to take all that love and make a family, and that's how we made you." Will Hayes: You know something? I'm going to tell you the real, true story of how me and your mother met. Maya Hayes: When I'm old enough. Will Hayes: Yep. Maya Hayes: Look, I know love isn't a fairy tale. Will Hayes: Really? Maya Hayes: Really.
[about Hampton Roth] Summer Hartley: He died last year. You heard? Will Hayes: I read about it in the Times. Died in his office. Heart attack? Summer Hartley: Yeah. Will Hayes: I always imagined that he'd make a more theatrical exit. Summer Hartley: What they didn't say was he was on the couch with the dean's daughter.
April: You know what's really cool? Will Hayes: I don't. April: We can just sit hear and not have to worry about flirting, or all the attraction stuff. Will Hayes: Yea, all that stuff... April: Very cool. [long pause] Will Hayes: Yea... April, Will Hayes: [make out for about 10 seconds then freeze] Will Hayes: [sits up] Will Hayes: I got to go Will Hayes: [quickly leaves]
April: And it felt life changing and - and I realized I had to tell someone. When I realized who that person was, it was so unexpected. Ring Salesman: [the Ring Salesman enters and presents a ring to Will] Here we are sir. April: It's like when something is staring at you in the face. And you're too blind to [April notices the ring] April: see it. What's that? Will Hayes: ...I have some news for you too.
['Story Will' has just bumped in to Summer, who's pregnant. Flash back to present] Maya Hayes: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Will Hayes: What? Maya Hayes: Telling me this story, this mystery love story. What if I don't like who my mom is? Will Hayes: Of course you like who your mom is. And you don't have to wait long to find out, because that very night... Maya Hayes: Its Summer, isn't it? And you're not my father! No wonder you didn't want to be with her. Will Hayes: Take it easy, Maya. It's just a story. And this one has a happy ending. Maya Hayes: [fighting back tears] How does it have a happy ending? You and my mom, whoever she is, you're getting divorced! What's the happy in that?
[about an article Summer has written about Will's boss] Will Hayes: There's one part that kinda bothered me. "William Hayes, Robredo's chief speech writer, is both intense and boyishly handsome." *Boyishly*? Summer Hartley: Yeah, you know I originally wrote "William Hayes has seductive eyes and the intriguing looks of someone whose clothes you want to rip from his very body", but the editor made me change it. Will Hayes: There's just no room for truth in journalism.
Hampton Roth: Beauty, ideals, love, don't mean squat anymore. It's all about power and money. Will Hayes: I've read every single one of your books and you're completely obsessed with power and money. Summer Hartley: Oh, well that's because he doesn't have any. Right, babe? Hampton Roth: Babe, I am about the love. Summer Hartley: Oh. Yes. Hampton Roth: As you know, that's why you keep me around, to keep that rampant rapacious ambition of yours in check. [to Will] Hampton Roth: I have a thought! Why don't you use that newly acquired scintilla of power and influence to get Summer here to write an article about your man Robredo? That way Summer gets a break, and you get the word out. Will Hayes: And what do you get, Hampton? Summer Hartley: Yeah! Hampton Roth: Well, I guess it's the love. More of the love.
[after convincing Will to try on a racy shirt] Summer Hartley: You know, it really isn't so bad. Will Hayes: You know what the funny part is? It's a thousand dollars.
Summer Hartley: You know what I've never done? I've never spent the whole day in bed with a really great guy. Will Hayes: Me neither.
April: You're the toilet paper guy. Will Hayes: Yes, I am in fact the toilet paper guy, but feel free to cal me the bagel-and-coffee guy. Or, Todd in accounting calls me Chrystal, which I'm pretty sure is a girl's name.
Will Hayes: I haven't had sex since Clinton was re-elected. April: Why bother? He's having enough sex for the entire country.
[after Emily turns down his proposal, and admits she slept with Will's roommate] Will Hayes: I thought we had a plan. Emily: No, Will, you had a plan. Will, you have a really big plan. Will Hayes: No, I'm pretty sure we both had that plan... Emily: I just can't keep pretending that I want to be part of it anymore. Will Hayes: Uh, you were there when we made it, so... Emily: And I didn't know how to tell you. How do you tell someone that you care about that you don't want the things that they want anymore? Will Hayes: The best way? Definitely having sex with the roommate. Emily: That was cowardly. And I'm sorry. Will Hayes: Oh. Good. You're killing me. Emily: No, I'm not. I'm letting you go. Cause if we stay together, Will, we're gonna be miserable. I'm gonna hold you back from all these incredible dreams that you have. And then eventually you're totally gonna hate me for it. Will Hayes: No... Emily: Yes! Will, I don't want that. And you don't want that. Trust me. You're gonna be just fine, Mr. Hayes. Without me.
Will Hayes: That's Hampton Roth! He's an incredible writer! His book on the McGovern campaign is... Summer Hartley: Yeah. Will Hayes: And you... Summer Hartley: Yeah. We do. Look, have you ever actually had sex with a sexagenarian? Will Hayes: I haven't. Summer Hartley: Well then, you shouldn't really judge. Will Hayes: Well, actually, I'm not judging. Look at you. You're beautiful, you're sophisticated, you're a very talented writer. Summer Hartley: Thank you. Will Hayes: I mean, to please a woman like you it wouldn't obviously take a... Summer Hartley: Real man. Will Hayes: Exactly. Hard to compete with that. Summer Hartley: Well, unless you're the competitive type.
Will Hayes: You think it's ridiculous that I want to be a politician, don't you? April: [laughing] Yes. Will Hayes: Thank you. April: No, no, I get the whole politician thing. It's easy to like you. Will Hayes: That's true, that's very true. April: I just wonder if you want people to like you a little too much. Will Hayes: That's also true. I should want them to hate me. I'm gonna start working on that right away, you got any tips for me? April: [laughing] No, you're off to a great start, I'm hating you already.
Will Hayes: You should go to life rehab or something like that.
April: Don't make me staple your head.
Will Hayes: Summer tells me you're dating a sophomore. Hampton Roth: No, its two freshman. Which, on a good day, add up to a sophomore, I suppose.
Charlie: I can't believe you're letting him go. I mean, don't you know about New York girls? Besides being incredibly hot, they have no problem with casual sex, which by the way I totally respect. Emily: What if Charlie's right? Will Hayes: Charlie's never right. He's functionally retarded.
April: So Emily is what, like your college sweetheart? Will Hayes: It's amazing how you do that. April: What? Will Hayes: The way you take the simplest statement and then you twist it with a completely negative connotation. It's really, actually, impressive. April: [laughing] I didn't mean to do that. I actually think it's very sweet. Will Hayes: See, you did it again!
[Will accidentally staples his finger] Will Hayes: Jesus Murphy! [to a random girl beside him] Will Hayes: What am I doing here? Move over! Another foot, go! Over, over, over! I wrote three speeches for Congressman Sweeney. How's high school?
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