Demetri Martin — American Comedian born on May 25, 1973,

Demetri Evan Martin is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin... (wikipedia)

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

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