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A police officer is brought out of suspended animation in prison to pursue an old ultra-violent nemesis who is loose in a non-violent future society.
John Spartan: [to machine on wall after finding out that they no longer use toilet paper] Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass. Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined five credits for repeated violations of the verbal morality statute. John Spartan: [grabbing the tickets] So much for the seashells. See you in a few minutes.
Erwin: We're police officers! We're not trained to handle this kind of violence!
Boggle Guard: Mellow greetings. What seems to be your boggle?
[last lines] John Spartan: But there's just one thing I wanna know... Lenina Huxley: Hm? John Spartan: How's that damn three seashell thing work?
John Spartan: Bad aim, Blondie! Simon Phoenix: Spartan? John Spartan? Aw shit, they let anybody into this century! What the hell you doing here?
John Spartan: Send a maniac to catch one.
[the voice-activated car that Spartan is riding in is malfunctioning] John Spartan: Brake! Brake! Brake now, you Mickey Mouse-piece of shit!
John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me? Simon Phoenix: Good memory.
Lenina Huxley: I was wondering if you would like to have sex? John Spartan: [surprised] Here? With you? Now? Lenina Huxley: [nervously, nodding] Mm-hmm. John Spartan: Oh yeah.
John Spartan: You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it.
Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Die."
Troubled Guy: I don't know... lately I just don't feel like there's anything special about me. Booth: You are an incredibly sensitive man, who inspires joy-joy feelings in all those around you.
Automated Announcer: The Armory exhibit is now sealed. All museum patrons still occupying the facility should remain calm. Help is imminent. [the sealed Armory door is blown apart by a canon] Simon Phoenix: The museum is no longer sealed, is it? Ha-ha! What can I say, I'm a blast from the past! John Spartan: You should've stayed there. Simon Phoenix: Oh boy, that voice sounds familiar. Who is that? [opens fire]
[cops are singing along with "golden oldies": radio jingles] John Spartan: Somebody put me back in the fridge.
Edgar Friendly: You got big balls coming down here, cop after the kind of show *you* put on. Lenina Huxley: We are looking for a murder-death-killer. Are you gonna help us or bully us with your primitive weapons? [Friendly then raises his twin barrelled pistol and fires it to show it's not primitive] Lenina Huxley: Oh, maybe they're not so primitive. Edgar Friendly: So, you think you're taking me in huh? Guess what, not happening. Yeah, you can tell Cacteau he can kiss my ass. That's right, tell him that it's gonna take a whole *army* of assholes to get rid of me 'cause I don't give a shit, I've got nothing to lose. John Spartan: Hey, I don't wanna rain on your parade, pal. But, i don't know who the hell you think you are or who's gonna take you anywhere. So stay here, be well and Cacteau's an asshole! [In anger, he slaps a scrap who drops his weapon] Wasteland Scrap: No, he must be lying. They're only down here to spy on us. John Spartan: Wait a minute, *you're* that guy outside Taco Bell. Edgar Friendly: Yeah. What do you want? John Spartan: I guess you're not a part of the *Cacteau Plan* are you? Edgar Friendly: What? Greed, deception, abuse of power? That's no plan. John Spartan: That's why everybody's down here? Edgar Friendly: That's right. You see, according to *Cacteau's* plan. *I'm* the enemy. Because I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, freedom of choice. I'm the kind if guy who would sit in the greasy spoon and think "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the big rack of Barbecued spare ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I *want* high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, butter and buckets of cheese alright? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinatti in a non-smoking section. I wanna run around naked with green jell-o all over my body reading a Playboy magazine. Why? Because maybe I feel the need to okay pal? I've *seen* the future, you know what it is. It's made by a 47 year-old virgin in gray pajamas soaking in a bubble bath, drinking a broccoli milkshake and thinking "I'm an Oscar-Meyer Wiener". You wanna live on top, you gotta live Cacteau's way. What he wants, when he wants, how he wants. Your other option: come down here, maybe starve to death. John Spartan: Why don't you take charge and lead these people out of here? Edgar Friendly: I'm no leader. I do what I have to do. Sometimes, people come with me. All I want to do is bury Cacteau up to his neck in shit and make him think happy, happy thoughts forever. John Spartan: Well, I got bad news. *I* think he wants to *kill* you. [Freindly gives him a blank look]
John Spartan: You're on TV!
[John Spartan landed on the police car stolen by Simon Phoenix] Simon Phoenix: No free rides!
Lenina Huxley: No, John Spartan, you do not accuse the savior of our city of being in league with a multi-murder-death-killer like Simon Phoenix! It's... rude! John Spartan: I'll be subtle. I'm good at subtle.
T.V. Reporter: [to John Spartan] How can you justify destroying a $7 million dollar mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000 dollars? Little Girl: FUCK YOU, LADY! John Spartan: Ha! Good answer!
Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Bleed."
Dr. Cocteau: John Spartan, this display of barbaric behavior was unacceptable even in your time! John Spartan: Yeah. But it worked. [Shooting] John Spartan: When a man like Simon Pheonix pionts a gun at your head, 10 seconds is 9 1/2 seconds longer than you live.
Lenina Huxley: [shoots a CyroCon about to knife Spartan] That man has died by my hands. John Spartan: It was him or us, Huxley. Lenina Huxley: Well yeah, there is that.
Dr. Cocteau: Be well! John Spartan: Be fucked.
Lenina Huxley: [Spartan encounters a burger grill in the underground world] Just don't ask them where the meat comes from. John Spartan: Huxley, what's that supposed to mean? Lenina Huxley: Do you see any cows around here, detective? John Spartan: Que es este carne? [What is this meat?] Hamburger Stand Scrap: Este carne es de rata. [This meat is from rats] John Spartan: Rat? This is a rat burger? [vendor nods] John Spartan: Not bad! Matter of fact this is the best burger I've had in years! Hamburger Stand Scrap: Gracias, Senor. John Spartan: Prego. See ya later.
John Spartan: [whispering to Lenina] Look, I don't know if you guys know it, but uh... you're out of toilet paper. Alfredo Garcia: [confused] Did... did you say toilet *paper*? Lenina Huxley: Um... they used handfuls of wadded paper back in the 20th... [Lenina, Alfredo, and Erwin all laugh] John Spartan: I'm happy that you're happy, but the place where you're supposed to have the toilet paper, you've got this little shelf with three seashells on it. Erwin: He doesn't know how to use the three seashells! [Erwin continues to laugh, then calms down] Erwin: I can see how that could be confusing.
John Spartan: Hey Luke Skywalker, use the force.
Dr. Cocteau: John Spartan, this display of barbaric behavior was unacceptable even in your time! John Spartan: Yeah. But it worked. [Shoots out the monitors with Cocteau's face on them] John Spartan: When a man like Pheonix has a gun to your head, ten seconds is nine and a half seconds longer than you live.
Captain Healy: Dammit, Spartan. I'm sick and tired of this "Demolition Man" shit! You're not supposed to come down here, you're not supposed to apprehend Simon Phoenix single-handedly, and you're not supposed to blow anything up! John Spartan: It wasn't me this time, he dumped the gas and had the placed rigged to blow. Captain Healy: Yeah right, and you had nothing to do with it. I know you've been trying to nail this psycho for 2 years. But try to remember a little thing like official police procedure. Now where are the hostages? John Spartan: They're not here. Captain Healy: What do mean they're not here, are you sure? John Spartan: Because I did a thermo check. They're only 8 people, all a part of his gang. Simon Phoenix: [Being arrested] Wrong again. John Spartan: Do you have something to say, scum bag? Captain Healy: [to officer apprehending Phoenix] Get him out of here. [to Spartan] Captain Healy: You and I are gonna have a nice long chat. Fire Fighter: [Coming in] Captain. Captain. Captain Healy: What. Fire Fighter: We've checked the building. There's bodies everywhere, there has to be about 20 or 30, they're everywhere. [Spartan looks in disbelief] Simon Phoenix: See Captain. I told him, he said he didn't care. [Spartan charges at Phoenix but is restrained by his fellow officers] Simon Phoenix: Oh shit, I can't believe that you gave up 30 hostages for little old me. We're gonna have a nice time together. See ya' sweetie. Honey! Sugar! Captain Healy: Hope you called your lawyer, because you're gonna need him.
[after futuristic, contact-free "sex"] John Spartan: Look, Huxley, why don't we just do it the old-fashioned way? Lenina Huxley: [stands up, shocked] Eeewww, disgusting! You mean... *fluid transfer*?
Lenina Huxley: I have, in fact, perused some newsreels in the Schwarzenegger Library, and the time that you took that car... JohnSpartan: Hold it. The Schwarzenegger Library? Lenina Huxley: Yes. The Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn't he an actor when you...? JohnSpartan: Stop! He was President? Lenina Huxley: Yes! Even though he was not born in this country, his popularity at the time caused the 61st Amendment which states... JohnSpartan: I don't wanna know. President...
Warden William Smithers - Aged: Do you have anything new to say on your behalf? Simon Phoenix: Yeah, I do. Teddy Bear!
Simon Phoenix: Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns?
Zachary Lamb - Aged: Simon Phoenix is an old fashioned criminal. We need an old fashioned cop.
Lenina Huxley: What you're telling me to do is violate a direct order. I'm supposed to take you back to the Cryo Prison. John Spartan: Listen, Huxley. I just know okay. I'm gonna find Phoenix and I'm gonna put him on ice or that's where *I'm* gonna be. After that, I'm gonna turn all of my attention to that fuckin' Cacteau. Lenina Huxley: Enhance your calm, John Spartan. John Spartan: Look, I'm tired of enhancing my calm. Alfredo Garcia: [Seeing Spartan opening the pod to the depths of wasteland] Wait, you're opening the pod to the depths of wasteland? John Spartan: The real reason why your citywide search didn't work is because Phoenix was in an area that A: You can't monitor. B: You're afraid to go down and C: You don't give a shit about. Now, I'm going to find Phoenix and I'm gonna put him in a hurt locker. So, are you coming with me, or are you gonna arrest me? Lenina Huxley: Okay. Let's go blow this guy. John Spartan: [Annoyed] Away. Blow this guy *away*? Lenina Huxley: Whatever.
[after Spartan crashes in a police car] Lenina Huxley: Look at you, you're a shambles! John Spartan: Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread. [pause] John Spartan: I really didn't say that, did I? Damn!
Lenina Huxley: He's finally matched his meet. You really licked his ass. John Spartan: That's *met* his match and kicked... *kicked* his ass...
Edgar Friendly: [referring to Phoenix] They thawed this guy out just to kill me? I'm flattered. John Spartan: Don't be flattered, be frightened. This guy's a certifiable nightmare.
Simon Phoenix: [checking the charge status of his futuristic plasma rifle] C'mon you space-age piece of shit!
Taco Bell Patron: What would you say if I called you a brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed era gratefully forgotten? John Spartan: I don't know... thanks?
John Spartan: I'm gonna go down there, I'm gonna find Phoenix, and I'm gonna put him in a hurt locker.
Booth: Gun. Noun. Portable firearm. This device was widely utilized in the urban wars of the late twentieth century. Referred to as a pistol, a piece... Simon Phoenix: Look I don't need a history lesson! C'mon, HAL, where are the god damn guns? Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute. Simon Phoenix: What? Fuck you! Moral Statute Machine: Your repeated violation of the Verbal Morality Statute has caused me to notify the San Angeles Police Department. Please remain where you are for your reprimand. Simon Phoenix: Yeah, right. [police sirens approach] Simon Phoenix: Fuckers are fast too. Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Lenina Huxley: [sotto voce] Sanctimonious asshole. Machine on wall: Lenina Huxley, you are fined one-half credit for a sotto voce violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Lenina Huxley: Thank you for rendering me unconscious. John Spartan: Huxley, I did it for your own good. Lenina Huxley: We're supposed to be a team. John Spartan: We are. [grabs Huxley, dips, and tongue-kisses her] Lenina Huxley: [shocked, but impressed] Oh, my. Are all bodily fluid transfers like this? John Spartan: Better. Lenina Huxley: Better? Oh, my. [Huxley kisses Spartan] John Spartan: I think I'm gonna like the future.
Lenina Huxley: The exchange of bodily fluids, do you know what that leads to? John Spartan: Yeah, I do! Kids, smoking, a desire to raid the fridge.
Zachary Lamb - Aged: Phoenix is an old fashioned criminal. We need an old fashioned cop.
Lenina Huxley: Ah, smoking is not good for you, and it's been deemed that anything not good for you is bad; hence, illegal. Alcohol, caffeine, contact sports, meat... John Spartan: Are you shitting me? Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute. John Spartan: What the hell is that? Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute. Lenina Huxley: Bad language, chocolate, gasoline, uneducational toys and anything spicy. Abortion is also illegal, but then again so is pregnancy if you don't have a licence.
John Spartan: Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you back there. Lenina Huxley: No need to make a de-hurtful retraction. I've just assimilated too much contraband. I fleshed you out as some blow-up-the-bad-guy-with-a-happy-grin-he-man type, but now I realize that you're the moody-troubled-past-gunslinger-who-only-draws-when-he-must type. John Spartan: Huxley, stop. Lenina Huxley: What? John Spartan: I'm not any of that. I just do my job and things get... Lenina Huxley: Get demolished.
John Spartan: Why don't you just shove a leash up my ass?
Lenina Huxley: [stamping her foot] You are a savage creature John Spartan, and I wish for you to leave my domicile now!
Simon Phoenix: You're dead, Spartan! John Spartan: You forgot to say Simon Says.
[after Spartan crashes in a police car] Lenina Huxley: Look at you, you're in shambles! John Spartan: Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread. [pause] John Spartan: I really didn't say that, did I? Damn!
Simon Phoenix: I must've done something right in a previous life. Can't imagine what that could've been.
[Huge Explosion, John Spartan steps from the wreckage] Simon Phoenix: I'll be god damned! Like a New York cockroach!
Simon Phoenix: [after his gang kills Dr. Cocteau] Put another log on the fire! [the gang throws Cocteau into the fireplace]
Lenina Huxley: [complementing Spartan] You are even better live than on Laserdisc!
Simon Phoenix: See, I told the city, I said "Look, nobody comes down here." Postmen figured it out. Policemen figured it out. But the goddamned bus drivers just wouldn't listen.
[a frozen naked criminal swings by overhead] Simon Phoenix: I hope my butt didn't look like that! Okay, who do we have left that's good? Wilkes, Patrick... Jeffrey Dahmer? I love that guy!
Chief George Earle: You have apprehended the villain responsible for the murder of our beloved Dr. Raymond Cocteau? John Spartan: Well, I wouldn't exactly say apprehended. Let's just say he's history. And the Cryo-prison? That's history, too. [Chief Earle looks upon the damaged cryo-prison in disbelief] Chief George Earle: [confused; takes off his glasses] What will we do? How will we live? Edgar Friendly: I tell you what we're do. We're all gonna go out drinking, get shit-faced, and paint the town, literally. I mean graffiti, slogans. It'll be a blast. John Spartan: Whoa, Whoa. I'll tell you what gonna do: John Spartan: [to Chief Earle] Why don't you get a little dirty? John Spartan: [to Edgar] You a lot clean. John Spartan: And somewhere in the middle... I don't know. You'll figure it out. Alfredo Garcia: Fuckin' A! John Spartan: [impressed] Well put.
John Spartan: You're under arrest, Phoenix. Simon Phoenix: Arrest? Shit. And you're trespassing.
Simon Phoenix: So let me get this right, they defrosted you just so you could lasso my piddly ass? Damn, you been had! I been dreamin' about killin' you for forty years. John Spartan: Well, keep dreaming!
Dr. Cocteau: Well I must say that whacking, whatever it is, sounds most disagreeable.
John Spartan: You know, I keep looking around and I think about my daughter growing up in a place like this and I'm afraid she's gonna think I'm some kind of primitive. That I mean, as much as I wanna see her, I almost don't want to 'cause I wouldn't fit into the picture very well. Not very well at all.
Squad Leader: Simon Phoenix! Lie down with your hands behind your back. Simon Phoenix: What's this? Six of you. Such nice, tidy uniforms. Oh I'm so scared! [the Police Officers look at each other] Simon Phoenix: What you guys don't have sarcasm anymore? [Police Officer talks to his automated assistant] Squad Leader: Maniac has responded with a scornful remark. automated assistant: Approach, and repeat ultimatum in an even firmer tone of voice. Add the words, "or else".
Lenina Huxley: Chief, you can take this job, and you can shovel it. John Spartan: Take this job... and shovel it. Lenina Huxley: Yeah? John Spartan: Close enough.
Simon Phoenix: [to Cocteau] That's who you remind me of: an evil Mr. Rogers!
John Spartan: Huxley, look, this isn't the Wild West! The Wild West wasn't even the Wild West! Hurting people's not a good thing! Sometimes it is, [turns to Cocteau] John Spartan: but not when it's a bunch of people looking for something to eat!
[Simon's museum piece "ray gun" beeps ready] Simon Phoenix: It's about time! The past is over, John! Time for something new and improved! John Spartan: Aw, hell... [he leaps out of the way as Simon fires an energy blast from the rifle, blowing a hydrant apart] Simon Phoenix: Holy shit! I love this gun!
Chief George Earle: We can just wait for another code to go red. And when Phoenix performs another Murder Death Kill, we'll know exactly where to pounce. John Spartan: [sarcastic] Great plan. Chief George Earle: [not realising the sarcasm] Thank you. Erwin: He likes your plan, Chief!
Lenina Huxley: Looks like there's a new shepherd in town. [Spartan gives her an exasperated look] John Spartan: That's sheriff.
[Spartan and Huxley enter and see Cocteau's face speaking to them from dozens of monitors] Dr. Cocteau: Forgive my lack of bodily disposition, but I do have an entire city government to run. John Spartan: Yeah, well run this: you programmed Phoenix's rehabilitation program to turn him into a terrorist, and I don't think his escape was an accident either! Lenina Huxley: Very subtle. John Spartan: Thank you.
John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me?
[Simon goes to a computer terminal and is surprised to find his fingers flying across the keys with ease] Simon Phoenix: Damn, I'm possessed! Wonder if I can play the accordion too...
[John Spartan is about to bungee jump from a helicopter] John Spartan: Send a maniac to catch one.
Lenina Huxley: I find this lack of stimulus to be truly disappointing, don't you think? Warden William Smithers - Aged: I try not to, my dear. However, you're young, think all you want!
John Spartan: [to Garcia] We'll look at you. You get a bump on the noggin, and you think you're Pancho Villa? Alfredo Garcia: [Garcia looks confused] Who? John Spartan: [Spartan shaking his head] Never mind. Edgar Friendly: [to Spartan] Time to take a stand pal. John Spartan: [to Edgar] Well good. While you're doing that, loan me a gun. [Edgar hands Spartan a gun] John Spartan: Loan me two guns. [Wastelander hands Spartan a waste belt with a gun in it. Spartan puts the belt over his shoulder] Chief George Earle: [to Edgar and Wastelanders] You'de use the weapons of mass destruction against men and women who uphold the law? Edgar Friendly: [to Chief] We use these to shop for groceries.
Lenina Huxley: I thought your life force had been prematurely terminated! John Spartan: Yeah, I thought I was history too. What the hell happened? All of a sudden, this car turned into a cannoli.
John Spartan: [commenting on his cryo-prison conditioning program] I'm a seamstress? - That's great. I come out of cryo-prison and I'm Betsy-fucking-Ross...