A police officer is brought out of suspended animation in prison to pursue an old ultra-violent nemesis who is loose in a non-violent future society.

John Spartan: [to machine on wall after finding out that they no longer use toilet paper] Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass.
Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined five credits for repeated violations of the verbal morality statute.
John Spartan: [grabbing the tickets] So much for the seashells. See you in a few minutes.
Erwin: We're police officers! We're not trained to handle this kind of violence!
[last lines]
John Spartan: But there's just one thing I wanna know...
Lenina Huxley: Hm?
John Spartan: How's that damn three seashell thing work?
Boggle Guard: Mellow greetings. What seems to be your boggle?
[the voice-activated car that Spartan is riding in is malfunctioning]
John Spartan: Brake! Brake! Brake now, you Mickey Mouse-piece of shit!
John Spartan: Bad aim, Blondie!
Simon Phoenix: Spartan? John Spartan? Aw shit, they let anybody into this century! What the hell you doing here?
John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me?
Simon Phoenix: Good memory.
John Spartan: Send a maniac to catch one.
John Spartan: You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it.
Lenina Huxley: I was wondering if you would like to have sex?
John Spartan: [surprised] Here? With you? Now?
Lenina Huxley: [nervously, nodding] Mm-hmm.
John Spartan: Oh yeah.
Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Die."
[cops are singing along with "golden oldies": radio jingles]
John Spartan: Somebody put me back in the fridge.
Troubled Guy: I don't know... lately I just don't feel like there's anything special about me.
Booth: You are an incredibly sensitive man, who inspires joy-joy feelings in all those around you.
Edgar Friendly: You got big balls coming down here, cop after the kind of show *you* put on.
Lenina Huxley: We are looking for a murder-death-killer. Are you gonna help us or bully us with your primitive weapons?
[Friendly then raises his twin barrelled pistol and fires it to show it's not primitive]
Lenina Huxley: Oh, maybe they're not so primitive.
Edgar Friendly: So, you think you're taking me in huh? Guess what, not happening. Yeah, you can tell Cacteau he can kiss my ass. That's right, tell him that it's gonna take a whole *army* of assholes to get rid of me 'cause I don't give a shit, I've got nothing to lose.
John Spartan: Hey, I don't wanna rain on your parade, pal. But, i don't know who the hell you think you are or who's gonna take you anywhere. So stay here, be well and Cacteau's an asshole!
[In anger, he slaps a scrap who drops his weapon]
Wasteland Scrap: No, he must be lying. They're only down here to spy on us.
John Spartan: Wait a minute, *you're* that guy outside Taco Bell.
Edgar Friendly: Yeah. What do you want?
John Spartan: I guess you're not a part of the *Cacteau Plan* are you?
Edgar Friendly: What? Greed, deception, abuse of power? That's no plan.
John Spartan: That's why everybody's down here?
Edgar Friendly: That's right. You see, according to *Cacteau's* plan. *I'm* the enemy. Because I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, freedom of choice. I'm the kind if guy who would sit in the greasy spoon and think "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the big rack of Barbecued spare ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I *want* high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, butter and buckets of cheese alright? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinatti in a non-smoking section. I wanna run around naked with green jell-o all over my body reading a Playboy magazine. Why? Because maybe I feel the need to okay pal? I've *seen* the future, you know what it is. It's made by a 47 year-old virgin in gray pajamas soaking in a bubble bath, drinking a broccoli milkshake and thinking "I'm an Oscar-Meyer Wiener". You wanna live on top, you gotta live Cacteau's way. What he wants, when he wants, how he wants. Your other option: come down here, maybe starve to death.
John Spartan: Why don't you take charge and lead these people out of here?
Edgar Friendly: I'm no leader. I do what I have to do. Sometimes, people come with me. All I want to do is bury Cacteau up to his neck in shit and make him think happy, happy thoughts forever.
John Spartan: Well, I got bad news. *I* think he wants to *kill* you.
[Freindly gives him a blank look]
Automated Announcer: The Armory exhibit is now sealed. All museum patrons still occupying the facility should remain calm. Help is imminent.
[the sealed Armory door is blown apart by a canon]
Simon Phoenix: The museum is no longer sealed, is it? Ha-ha! What can I say, I'm a blast from the past!
John Spartan: You should've stayed there.
Simon Phoenix: Oh boy, that voice sounds familiar. Who is that?
[opens fire]
Lenina Huxley: [shoots a CyroCon about to knife Spartan] That man has died by my hands.
John Spartan: It was him or us, Huxley.
Lenina Huxley: Well yeah, there is that.
Captain Healy: Dammit, Spartan. I'm sick and tired of this "Demolition Man" shit! You're not supposed to come down here, you're not supposed to apprehend Simon Phoenix single-handedly, and you're not supposed to blow anything up!
John Spartan: It wasn't me this time, he dumped the gas and had the placed rigged to blow.
Captain Healy: Yeah right, and you had nothing to do with it. I know you've been trying to nail this psycho for 2 years. But try to remember a little thing like official police procedure. Now where are the hostages?
John Spartan: They're not here.
Captain Healy: What do mean they're not here, are you sure?
John Spartan: Because I did a thermo check. They're only 8 people, all a part of his gang.
Simon Phoenix: [Being arrested] Wrong again.
John Spartan: Do you have something to say, scum bag?
Captain Healy: [to officer apprehending Phoenix] Get him out of here.
[to Spartan]
Captain Healy: You and I are gonna have a nice long chat.
Fire Fighter: [Coming in] Captain. Captain.
Captain Healy: What.
Fire Fighter: We've checked the building. There's bodies everywhere, there has to be about 20 or 30, they're everywhere.
[Spartan looks in disbelief]
Simon Phoenix: See Captain. I told him, he said he didn't care.
[Spartan charges at Phoenix but is restrained by his fellow officers]
Simon Phoenix: Oh shit, I can't believe that you gave up 30 hostages for little old me. We're gonna have a nice time together. See ya' sweetie. Honey! Sugar!
Captain Healy: Hope you called your lawyer, because you're gonna need him.
Lenina Huxley: What you're telling me to do is violate a direct order. I'm supposed to take you back to the Cryo Prison.
John Spartan: Listen, Huxley. I just know okay. I'm gonna find Phoenix and I'm gonna put him on ice or that's where *I'm* gonna be. After that, I'm gonna turn all of my attention to that fuckin' Cacteau.
Lenina Huxley: Enhance your calm, John Spartan.
John Spartan: Look, I'm tired of enhancing my calm.
Alfredo Garcia: [Seeing Spartan opening the pod to the depths of wasteland] Wait, you're opening the pod to the depths of wasteland?
John Spartan: The real reason why your citywide search didn't work is because Phoenix was in an area that A: You can't monitor. B: You're afraid to go down and C: You don't give a shit about. Now, I'm going to find Phoenix and I'm gonna put him in a hurt locker. So, are you coming with me, or are you gonna arrest me?
Lenina Huxley: Okay. Let's go blow this guy.
John Spartan: [Annoyed] Away. Blow this guy *away*?
Lenina Huxley: Whatever.
Lenina Huxley: I have, in fact, perused some newsreels in the Schwarzenegger Library, and the time that you took that car...
JohnSpartan: Hold it. The Schwarzenegger Library?
Lenina Huxley: Yes. The Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn't he an actor when you...?
JohnSpartan: Stop! He was President?
Lenina Huxley: Yes! Even though he was not born in this country, his popularity at the time caused the 61st Amendment which states...
JohnSpartan: I don't wanna know. President...
Dr. Cocteau: Be well!
John Spartan: Be fucked.
Warden William Smithers - Aged: Do you have anything new to say on your behalf?
Simon Phoenix: Yeah, I do. Teddy Bear!
[John Spartan landed on the police car stolen by Simon Phoenix]
Simon Phoenix: No free rides!
T.V. Reporter: [to John Spartan] How can you justify destroying a $7 million dollar mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000 dollars?
Little Girl: FUCK YOU, LADY!
John Spartan: Ha! Good answer!
Zachary Lamb - Aged: Simon Phoenix is an old fashioned criminal. We need an old fashioned cop.
Dr. Cocteau: John Spartan, this display of barbaric behavior was unacceptable even in your time!
John Spartan: Yeah. But it worked.
John Spartan: When a man like Simon Pheonix pionts a gun at your head, 10 seconds is 9 1/2 seconds longer than you live.
Lenina Huxley: No, John Spartan, you do not accuse the savior of our city of being in league with a multi-murder-death-killer like Simon Phoenix! It's... rude!
John Spartan: I'll be subtle. I'm good at subtle.
John Spartan: Hey Luke Skywalker, use the force.
Dr. Cocteau: John Spartan, this display of barbaric behavior was unacceptable even in your time!
John Spartan: Yeah. But it worked.
[Shoots out the monitors with Cocteau's face on them]
John Spartan: When a man like Pheonix has a gun to your head, ten seconds is nine and a half seconds longer than you live.
Simon Phoenix: Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns?
[after futuristic, contact-free "sex"]
John Spartan: Look, Huxley, why don't we just do it the old-fashioned way?
Lenina Huxley: [stands up, shocked] Eeewww, disgusting! You mean... *fluid transfer*?
Lenina Huxley: [Spartan encounters a burger grill in the underground world] Just don't ask them where the meat comes from.
John Spartan: Huxley, what's that supposed to mean?
Lenina Huxley: Do you see any cows around here, detective?
John Spartan: Que es este carne?
[What is this meat?]
Hamburger Stand Scrap: Este carne es de rata.
[This meat is from rats]
John Spartan: Rat? This is a rat burger?
[vendor nods]
John Spartan: Not bad! Matter of fact this is the best burger I've had in years!
Hamburger Stand Scrap: Gracias, Senor.
John Spartan: Prego. See ya later.
Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Bleed."
John Spartan: [whispering to Lenina] Look, I don't know if you guys know it, but uh... you're out of toilet paper.
Alfredo Garcia: [confused] Did... did you say toilet *paper*?
Lenina Huxley: Um... they used handfuls of wadded paper back in the 20th...
[Lenina, Alfredo, and Erwin all laugh]
John Spartan: I'm happy that you're happy, but the place where you're supposed to have the toilet paper, you've got this little shelf with three seashells on it.
Erwin: He doesn't know how to use the three seashells!
[Erwin continues to laugh, then calms down]
Erwin: I can see how that could be confusing.
John Spartan: You're on TV!
Lenina Huxley: The exchange of bodily fluids, do you know what that leads to?
John Spartan: Yeah, I do! Kids, smoking, a desire to raid the fridge.
Lenina Huxley: Thank you for rendering me unconscious.
John Spartan: Huxley, I did it for your own good.
Lenina Huxley: We're supposed to be a team.
John Spartan: We are.
[grabs Huxley, dips, and tongue-kisses her]
Lenina Huxley: [shocked, but impressed] Oh, my. Are all bodily fluid transfers like this?
John Spartan: Better.
Lenina Huxley: Better? Oh, my.
[Huxley kisses Spartan]
John Spartan: I think I'm gonna like the future.
Booth: Gun. Noun. Portable firearm. This device was widely utilized in the urban wars of the late twentieth century. Referred to as a pistol, a piece...
Simon Phoenix: Look I don't need a history lesson! C'mon, HAL, where are the god damn guns?
Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Simon Phoenix: What? Fuck you!
Moral Statute Machine: Your repeated violation of the Verbal Morality Statute has caused me to notify the San Angeles Police Department. Please remain where you are for your reprimand.
Simon Phoenix: Yeah, right.
[police sirens approach]
Simon Phoenix: Fuckers are fast too.
Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Lenina Huxley: [sotto voce] Sanctimonious asshole.
Machine on wall: Lenina Huxley, you are fined one-half credit for a sotto voce violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Lenina Huxley: Ah, smoking is not good for you, and it's been deemed that anything not good for you is bad; hence, illegal. Alcohol, caffeine, contact sports, meat...
John Spartan: Are you shitting me?
Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
John Spartan: What the hell is that?
Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Lenina Huxley: Bad language, chocolate, gasoline, uneducational toys and anything spicy. Abortion is also illegal, but then again so is pregnancy if you don't have a licence.
John Spartan: Why don't you just shove a leash up my ass?
John Spartan: I'm gonna go down there, I'm gonna find Phoenix, and I'm gonna put him in a hurt locker.
[after Spartan crashes in a police car]
Lenina Huxley: Look at you, you're a shambles!
John Spartan: Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.
John Spartan: I really didn't say that, did I? Damn!
Simon Phoenix: [checking the charge status of his futuristic plasma rifle] C'mon you space-age piece of shit!
Lenina Huxley: He's finally matched his meet. You really licked his ass.
John Spartan: That's *met* his match and kicked... *kicked* his ass...
Taco Bell Patron: What would you say if I called you a brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed era gratefully forgotten?
John Spartan: I don't know... thanks?
Edgar Friendly: [referring to Phoenix] They thawed this guy out just to kill me? I'm flattered.
John Spartan: Don't be flattered, be frightened. This guy's a certifiable nightmare.
Zachary Lamb - Aged: Phoenix is an old fashioned criminal. We need an old fashioned cop.
John Spartan: Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you back there.
Lenina Huxley: No need to make a de-hurtful retraction. I've just assimilated too much contraband. I fleshed you out as some blow-up-the-bad-guy-with-a-happy-grin-he-man type, but now I realize that you're the moody-troubled-past-gunslinger-who-only-draws-when-he-must type.
John Spartan: Huxley, stop.
Lenina Huxley: What?
John Spartan: I'm not any of that. I just do my job and things get...
Lenina Huxley: Get demolished.
John Spartan: You know, I keep looking around and I think about my daughter growing up in a place like this and I'm afraid she's gonna think I'm some kind of primitive. That I mean, as much as I wanna see her, I almost don't want to 'cause I wouldn't fit into the picture very well. Not very well at all.
[Simon goes to a computer terminal and is surprised to find his fingers flying across the keys with ease]
Simon Phoenix: Damn, I'm possessed! Wonder if I can play the accordion too...
Simon Phoenix: You're dead, Spartan!
John Spartan: You forgot to say Simon Says.
John Spartan: Huxley, look, this isn't the Wild West! The Wild West wasn't even the Wild West! Hurting people's not a good thing! Sometimes it is,
[turns to Cocteau]
John Spartan: but not when it's a bunch of people looking for something to eat!
[Simon's museum piece "ray gun" beeps ready]
Simon Phoenix: It's about time! The past is over, John! Time for something new and improved!
John Spartan: Aw, hell...
[he leaps out of the way as Simon fires an energy blast from the rifle, blowing a hydrant apart]
Simon Phoenix: Holy shit! I love this gun!
John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me?
Chief George Earle: You have apprehended the villain responsible for the murder of our beloved Dr. Raymond Cocteau?
John Spartan: Well, I wouldn't exactly say apprehended. Let's just say he's history. And the Cryo-prison? That's history, too.
[Chief Earle looks upon the damaged cryo-prison in disbelief]
Chief George Earle: [confused; takes off his glasses] What will we do? How will we live?
Edgar Friendly: I tell you what we're do. We're all gonna go out drinking, get shit-faced, and paint the town, literally. I mean graffiti, slogans. It'll be a blast.
John Spartan: Whoa, Whoa. I'll tell you what gonna do:
John Spartan: [to Chief Earle] Why don't you get a little dirty?
John Spartan: [to Edgar] You a lot clean.
John Spartan: And somewhere in the middle... I don't know. You'll figure it out.
Alfredo Garcia: Fuckin' A!
John Spartan: [impressed] Well put.
[John Spartan is about to bungee jump from a helicopter]
John Spartan: Send a maniac to catch one.
[a frozen naked criminal swings by overhead]
Simon Phoenix: I hope my butt didn't look like that! Okay, who do we have left that's good? Wilkes, Patrick... Jeffrey Dahmer? I love that guy!
John Spartan: You're under arrest, Phoenix.
Simon Phoenix: Arrest? Shit. And you're trespassing.
[Huge Explosion, John Spartan steps from the wreckage]
Simon Phoenix: I'll be god damned! Like a New York cockroach!
Chief George Earle: We can just wait for another code to go red. And when Phoenix performs another Murder Death Kill, we'll know exactly where to pounce.
John Spartan: [sarcastic] Great plan.
Chief George Earle: [not realising the sarcasm] Thank you.
Erwin: He likes your plan, Chief!
Simon Phoenix: See, I told the city, I said "Look, nobody comes down here." Postmen figured it out. Policemen figured it out. But the goddamned bus drivers just wouldn't listen.
[after Spartan crashes in a police car]
Lenina Huxley: Look at you, you're in shambles!
John Spartan: Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.
John Spartan: I really didn't say that, did I? Damn!
Simon Phoenix: So let me get this right, they defrosted you just so you could lasso my piddly ass? Damn, you been had! I been dreamin' about killin' you for forty years.
John Spartan: Well, keep dreaming!
Lenina Huxley: Chief, you can take this job, and you can shovel it.
John Spartan: Take this job... and shovel it.
Lenina Huxley: Yeah?
John Spartan: Close enough.
Lenina Huxley: Looks like there's a new shepherd in town.
[Spartan gives her an exasperated look]
John Spartan: That's sheriff.
Dr. Cocteau: Well I must say that whacking, whatever it is, sounds most disagreeable.
Lenina Huxley: [stamping her foot] You are a savage creature John Spartan, and I wish for you to leave my domicile now!
John Spartan: [commenting on his cryo-prison conditioning program] I'm a seamstress? - That's great. I come out of cryo-prison and I'm Betsy-fucking-Ross...
Lenina Huxley: I thought your life force had been prematurely terminated!
John Spartan: Yeah, I thought I was history too. What the hell happened? All of a sudden, this car turned into a cannoli.
Lenina Huxley: [complementing Spartan] You are even better live than on Laserdisc!
John Spartan: [to Garcia] We'll look at you. You get a bump on the noggin, and you think you're Pancho Villa?
Alfredo Garcia: [Garcia looks confused] Who?
John Spartan: [Spartan shaking his head] Never mind.
Edgar Friendly: [to Spartan] Time to take a stand pal.
John Spartan: [to Edgar] Well good. While you're doing that, loan me a gun.
[Edgar hands Spartan a gun]
John Spartan: Loan me two guns.
[Wastelander hands Spartan a waste belt with a gun in it. Spartan puts the belt over his shoulder]
Chief George Earle: [to Edgar and Wastelanders] You'de use the weapons of mass destruction against men and women who uphold the law?
Edgar Friendly: [to Chief] We use these to shop for groceries.
Simon Phoenix: [after his gang kills Dr. Cocteau] Put another log on the fire!
[the gang throws Cocteau into the fireplace]
[Spartan and Huxley enter and see Cocteau's face speaking to them from dozens of monitors]
Dr. Cocteau: Forgive my lack of bodily disposition, but I do have an entire city government to run.
John Spartan: Yeah, well run this: you programmed Phoenix's rehabilitation program to turn him into a terrorist, and I don't think his escape was an accident either!
Lenina Huxley: Very subtle.
John Spartan: Thank you.
Squad Leader: Simon Phoenix! Lie down with your hands behind your back.
Simon Phoenix: What's this? Six of you. Such nice, tidy uniforms. Oh I'm so scared!
[the Police Officers look at each other]
Simon Phoenix: What you guys don't have sarcasm anymore?
[Police Officer talks to his automated assistant]
Squad Leader: Maniac has responded with a scornful remark.
automated assistant: Approach, and repeat ultimatum in an even firmer tone of voice. Add the words, "or else".
Simon Phoenix: I must've done something right in a previous life. Can't imagine what that could've been.
Simon Phoenix: [to Cocteau] That's who you remind me of: an evil Mr. Rogers!
Lenina Huxley: I find this lack of stimulus to be truly disappointing, don't you think?
Warden William Smithers - Aged: I try not to, my dear. However, you're young, think all you want!

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