Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Quotes

Two con men try to settle their rivalry by betting on who can swindle a young American heiress out of $50,000 first.

[Sitting at the dinner table]
Freddy Benson: Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?
Lawrence Jamieson: Of course you may.
Freddy Benson: [after a pause, and with relief] Thank you.
Freddy Benson: [telling a phony story to sucker Janet into giving him money] I was engaged to a girl back in the States. And we loved to dance... we wanted to be professionals, isn't that silly? And we got an opportunity to compete on television, on Dance USA. So we agreed that if we won, we'd get married. So we went on, and we danced, and we won!
Janet Colgate: That's great!
Freddy Benson: And in the excitement, we got separated. So I went back to the studio, and there they were. Naked, dancing... and then they stopped, and they made love right there on the dance floor!
Janet Colgate: [gasps] Who was she with?
Freddy Benson: Denny Terrio, the host of Dance USA.
Freddy Benson: I didn't steal any money! She just saw me with another woman! You're French, you understand that!
Inspector Andre: To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.
Freddy Benson: I've got culture coming out of my ass.
Janet Colgate: Fellas, last year I made 3 million dollars, but your 50 thousand was the most fun. Are you ready? Then let's go get 'em.
Arthur: May I take your trident, sir?
Freddy Benson: I know somebody here! I met him on a train! His name... is... his name is... James. No. His name is... James Josephson. Lor. No, no, no. James Lawrence. LAWRENCE... Lawrence. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Feings. Forest Lorenston. Low. Lars. LARS. Lawrence. Lawrence. Luch. Lawrence. Tuh. His name is James Jesenthon. Lawrence Fell. Lawrence Jesterton. LAWRENCE JESTERTON.
Inspector Andre: ...Lawrence Jamieson?
Lawrence Jamieson: Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn't very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron.
Lawrence Jamieson: A poacher who shoots at rabbits may scare big game away.
Lawrence Jamieson: Do you ever have a single thought that originates from above the waist?
Freddy Benson: No!
[Ruprecht is mauling Lawrence's new girlfriend]
Lawrence Jamieson: Ruprecht, do you want the genital cuff?
Freddy Benson: Not mother?
Freddy Benson: [in a childlike voice] Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!
English Sailor #1: [to a 'wheelchair-bound' Freddie, as Lawrence tries to goad him into getting up and dancing... two sailors are watching and one calls out to Freddie] Oy! Oy mate! Who's the asshole!
English Sailor #2: [joining in] Get up and dance, he says! I'd like to smack him one!
English Sailor #2: [after watching Lawrence continue to goad Freddie] Why that piece of shit!
[calls out to Freddie]
English Sailor #2: Oy! There's a plane leaving at one o'clock for Honduras. How'd you like your friend to be on it?
[Freddie nods gratefully]
Freddy Benson: [omitted from the profit distribution] Excuse me. What about me? What do I get?
Lawrence Jamieson: You are the student. You get knowledge.
Lawrence Jamieson: You've been banging on your pots again, haven't you? I've told you... if you keep on doing it, you won't have any pots left
Arthur: [greeting a returning Freddy] Welcome to Hell.

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