A young doctor causes a traffic accident in a small town and is sentenced to work for some days at the town hospital.

Nancy Lee Nicholson: Is that a star?
Hank Gordon: No, that's Ted Danson.
Vialula: I suspect that your version of romance is whatever will separate me from my panties.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: No, I am just talking about dinner. Wear make-up, put on a dress. Panties are optional.
Dr. Tommy Shulman: At the risk of sounding schmaltzy, I just want to tell you that you're a schmuck, and I hope I never see you again.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: If you tell me you're here for a physical,you're gonna make my day.
Vialula: It's unprofessional to flirt with the patients.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: I'm just on my way to Beverley Hills.Plastic surgery.Not that you'd need any.
Vialula: Nice try.
[after Ben asks about how everyone is in Grady]
Nancy Lee Nicholson: Why don't ask me about Vialula?
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Well, she and Hank are probably...
Hank Gordon: You're in my chair.
[Ben looks up at Hank]
Hank Gordon: Slide a bit, Nancy Lee.
[sits down]
Hank Gordon: There is a man in the toilet sellin' after shave. Now, what's that all about?
Dr. Benjamin Stone: What are you talking about?
Mayor Nick Nicholson: Timing. Same thing with women. And with southern women, well, they require a substantial commitment. You might have to stay here six months, I don't know, maybe more.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Are you a betting man, Nick?
Mayor Nick Nicholson: Well, I have been known on occasion.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: It'll take me about a week.
Mayor Nick Nicholson: Wait a minute, you mean... Vialula in the center pocket?
Dr. Benjamin Stone: The music's stopped.
Vialula: What music?
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Wo,who are you?
Vialula: Don't tease me.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: No I'm serious.You look a lot like Lou,but you're a lot prettier.
Vialula: I'm warning you Stone,I could probably whoop you in a fistfight.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: I am so fucked.
Deputy Cotton: Watch your language doc.You're in the buckle of the bible belt here.Try saying fudge or something.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Fiddlesticks too strong?
Deputy Cotton: Depends.
Mayor Nick Nicholson: Presidents come here during the fishing season.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: On purpose?
Dr. Benjamin Stone: I don't need a car. I'm moving to Los Angeles. Why would I need a car?
Dr. Benjamin Stone: What are you talking about?
Mayor Nick Nicholson: Timing. Same thing with women. And with southern women, well, they require a substantial commitment. You might have to stay here six months, I don't know, maybe more.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Are you a betting man, Nick?
Mayor Nick Nicholson: Well, I have been known on occasion.
Mayor Nick Nicholson: It'll take me about a week.
Mayor Nick Nicholson: Wait a minute, you mean... Vialula in the center pocket?
Lillian, Welcoming Committee: Don't let old Doc Hogue scare you. We know you weren't aiming to kill that boy last night.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Okay,let's get something straight right now.I got eight years of higher education,I got one year of internship,I got one year of residency.I'm 70'000 dollars in debt.Now I'm waylaid in this heehaw hell,and you insist on clocking me in and out like I'm some kind of factory worker.Well no!N-O,no!This is where I draw the line.
[in reference to L.A]
Hank Gordon: I heard the women out there have their chest enlarged, their thighs vacuumed, and barf on purpose.
Lillian, Welcoming Committee: [slaps Hank in the back of the head] Not while people are eatin'
Dr. Benjamin Stone: You want to trade, the pig for the part?
Melvin the Mechanic: If you can part with the pig.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Good.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Beverly Hills. The most beautiful women in the world. Plastic surgery. What do these three things have in common? Me, in less than a week.
Dr. Aurelius Hogue: [while being examined] Check Hollywood for knives. I don't want him operating in case I sneeze or something.
Lillian, Welcoming Committee: [the welcoming committee is discussing Ben's love life] Maybe he's engaging in the love that dare not speak it's name.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Will I go blind?
[Clarifying, holding up his glass]
Dr. Benjamin Stone: This is moonshine, right?
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Are you allergic to penicillin?
Simon Tidwell, First Patient: Don't know.You'd have to ask doc Hogue.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: I doubt doc Hogue knows it's even been discovered.
Vialula: [about the gossip in Grady] Can't poop in this town without everybody knowin' what color it is.
Hank Gordon: I hate a tight hat!
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Listen,doctor,I've got a boy here in cardiac crisis.You can't treat that with Coca-Cola or Bisquick.We're gonna have to use real medicine this time.Now I'm sending him to Athens General.You're his regular fucking doctor,you get your fat ass out of bed,get down there and go with him.
Vialula: I'm going for breakfast, you want anything?
Nurse Packer: mmm-hmmm, how about Bob Barker?
Vialula: [snorts] I'll see what I can do.
Judge Evans: [furious] You can't reimburse me for a fence i built myself!
Lillian, Welcoming Committee: [to Ben, listening to Dr. Hogue talking] He'll recite a complete Walt Whitman if you don't monitor his drinkin.
Dr. Aurelius Hogue: Well,nice work,Hollywood.You were just about to crack open the chest of a 6 year-old boy to cure a case of diarrhea.Now,listen up smart ass.Next time I tell you how to treat a patient of mine,you'd better damn well do it,doctor.I doubt you'd know crap from Crisco.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: [about being stuck in Grady] I'm trapped in this HeeHaw Hell.
Woman with Glasses: There's a blurred spot in my vision... there... no, there, no,no...
[Dr. Stone takes her glasses and cleans them]
Woman with Glasses: I'm cured.
Dr. Aurelius Hogue: Tell us about real doctoring Stone.You know,big-city medicine.
Dr. Benjamin Stone: Well so much has changed in the forty years since you went to medical school doctor,I really wouldn't know where to start.
Dr. Aurelius Hogue: Smart-ass.
[after skinny-dipping in the lake]
Vialula: You can blink now.
Nurse Packer: [reading from a note left by Doc Hogue] "When to call me, you've been stabbed, shot, poisoned, separated from an appendage, knocked or beaten unconscious, run over by a tractor mower, or generally about to bleed to death. Otherwise, leave me alone"
Nancy Lee Nicholson: I read somewhere that doctors have the highest suicide rate in any profession except for dentistry.

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