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After dying before his time, an aspiring comic gets a second shot at life...by being reincarnated as a wealthy but un-likeable businessman.
Lance Barton: From now on, we need to make a new slogan. If you get shot in the head, you get a bed. If your head is bloody, we're your buddy.
Lance Barton: My father's so cheap... that when we went to bed, he'd unplug the alarm clocks. "You can't tell time when you are asleep".
Lance Barton: Shut up before I crush you with my wallet!
[after learning that he wasn't supposed to die] Lance Barton: You killed me! You killed me! You killed me!
[after almost getting in a car accident] Lance Barton: Sontee, you okay? Sontee Jenkins: Yeah, I'm okay, Cisco, you okay? Cisco: Yeah, I'm okay, Wanda, you okay? Wanda: Hell no! I spilled my drink!
Lance Barton: You see this foot? It's from a little town called "Rich Man's Ass" and it's getting' homesick!
Lance Barton: Look, I don't have a problem with Sontee. I wanna ask her on a date. Mrs. Wellington: Oh, Charles! Lance Barton: Don't "Oh, Charles" me! You were gonna have sex on the pool table! You got an 8 ball in your ass!
Mr. King: First, you make Frank Sinatra wait for a table... Keyes: He didn't have a jacket. King: HE'S FRANK SINATRA! HE CAN WEAR WHATEVER HE WANTS!
Lance Barton: Didn't your momma ever tell you to carry an extra handcuff key?
Lance Barton: We're goin' in there. If you can walk, let's walk. If you can't walk, it's time to roll. If you have crutches, then crutch your ass in there!
Lance Barton: What is this place? Keyes: This is heaven. Lance Barton: Oh, right, I've had this dream before. Is Pac in there?
Lance Barton: [as Joe Guy, referring to Wanda's paint-stained coat] You know, your coat's bleeding. Wanda: Mind yo' business!
Lance Barton: I had a hard enough time trying to get this girl as a rich white man. Do you know how hard it's gonna be to try to get her as a broke black man?
King: I'm a friggin' angel. I can do whatever I want.
Lance Barton: There's a big rap concert in the Bronx tonight. Somebody's gonna die.
Lance Barton: I got hit by a truck, I got smashed by a car, I got shot. And now you want to take my soul? What are you, the Blair Witch?
Sklar: We'll kill her dog! Does she have a dog? We could get her a dog. We could kill it.
Lance Barton: Hey I still look like me. King: You are you. Lance Barton: I thought I was Wellington. King: You are Wellington. Lance Barton: Well thanks for clearing that up.
[Lance and King looking at Charles Wellington's body] Lance Barton: How am I supposed to get laughs lookin' like him? King: Aw, c'mon, he looks funny to me. Lance Barton: I already get booed, do I really have to be beat down on it?
[reincarnated for the second time as 'Joe Guy', Lance tries to hail a taxi, but they keep driving past him] Lance Barton: I'm a black again! I'm a black man!
Lance Barton: When I was a kid, we were so poor... that the roaches was on welfare.
Lance Barton: You know, the first kiss is always in the middle of a sentence. It's always like, "Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo to see the monkeys and..." [kiss] Sontee Jenkins: Or it could be like..."Did you hear about that new war in Russia? I heard..." [kiss] Lance Barton: So I can call you, right? I mean, just to talk.
Lance Barton: If you're good looking, you're gonna succeed through life. If you're ugly, you better pick up a book. Boy, you better pick up two books, and a computer while you're at it!
Lance Barton: [As Charles Wellington, after offering Wanda a raise] Lance Barton: Are you happy? Wanda: I'm estatic.
Sontee Jenkins: What kind of man are you? Lance Barton: Sounds like I'm an asshole!