Sally and Conrad are two bored kids whose life is turned up-side-down when a talking cat comes to visit them.

The Cat: [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally: S-L-O-W?
The Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: Oh, you mean...
The Cat: No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!
[after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver]
The Cat: Son of a (beep)!
The Cat: [sinister voice] There is a third option!
[Vaudeville keyboard music]
Sally: There is?
The Cat: Yes. It involves... murder!
[More vaudeville keyboard music]
Conrad: That's your option?
The Cat: [normal voice] No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.
The Cat: [back to sinister] Or did I?
[More vaudeville keyboard music]
Sally: Cat, you're not helping!
The Fish: Someone else should drive!
The Cat: Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.
[gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad: Are you serious?
The Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
Conrad: This is awesome!
Sally: I want to drive.
The Cat: I think that's a great idea.
[gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
The Cat: You're right. We should all drive.
[gets his own wheel]
[the Cat is looking at a photo]
The Cat: Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?
Conrad: That's my mom.
[pause]
The Cat: Awkward.
The Cat: [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!
The Cat: [as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute...
The Cat: [as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.
The Cat: You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. I'd do it for nothing.
The Cat: Uh, I'm uncomfortable with the "d" word. I just think it's wrong.
[starts singing]
The Cat: How much is that canine American in the window.
Sally: [jumping on the couch] Like being in the circus!
The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.
Thing Two: Don't belittle me.
The Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
Thing Two: And all of the above.
The Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
Thing Two: Ben.
[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
The Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.
Mom: Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules; Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone: "City Morgue".
Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules?
Mom: No chewing tobacco.
The Cat: [English accent] I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.
[Sally, Conrad and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting]
Conrad, Sally: Taiwanese Parliament.
Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out!
The Cat: C'mon kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!
The Cat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax... you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
The Cat: This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".
The Cat: Yes, but not *this* Philippines.
The Cat: Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.
The Cat: Scream and run.
Lawrence Quinn: Anything for my little Princess.
Sally: Oh, I don't wanna be a princess, in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power.
Sally: Who are you?
The Cat: Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"..."key lime"..."turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!
The Cat: Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.
[to a hoe]
The Cat: Dirty Hoe... I'm sorry, baby. I love you.
The Fish: A dog goes, "Woof woof," and everybody knows that little Timmy's trapped under a log. But a fish speaks in plain English...
Mom: [on phone] What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave.
Conrad: So, what do we do?
The Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me me me me-ow!
Sally: How many shots?
The Fish: Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
The Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!
Sally: The fish is talking.
The Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.
The Fish: [on the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!
Sally: Where did you come from?
The Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?
The Cat: My place, what do you think?
Conrad: I'm not going to military school.
Lawrence Quinn: Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.
Sally: Stop! That's...
Sally, Conrad: Mom's dress!
The Cat: This filthy thing?
Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.
The Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.
[snaps, snaps]
The Cat: Mmm-mmm-hmm yeah.
[snaps, snaps]
The Cat: Mmm-hmm.
The Cat: If this were my house, I'd be furious.
The Fish: Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules!
[the phone rings, and The Cat answers it]
The Cat: City Morgue!
The Fish: [losing it] Eighteen!
The Fish: Oh my Cod!
The Cat: Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change.
The Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!
[repeated line]
The Cat: Oh yeah!
Sally: You need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.
The Cat: Alright, I'll try.
Sally: [grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie] You don't try, you do!
Mr. Humberfloob: First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan.
[McFinnigan shakes Humberfloob's hand, to everyone else's shock]
Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: But I...
Mr. Humberfloob: [shouting] Fireeeee-dah!
[McFinnigan runs away crying]
Lawrence Quinn: Why am I sneezing?
The Cat: [tapping on Quinn's shoulder] That'd be me. BOO!
Mr. Humberfloob: [speaking to Joan] If your house is as messy as last time, you're FIRRRRRRRE-DUH!

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