Dracula: Dead and Loving It Quotes
Mel Brooks' parody of the classic vampire story and its famous film adaptations.
[Dracula is outside Mina's room]
Dracula: [to the maid] Essie... Essie... Your eyelids are growing heavy You will sleep... sleep.
[Essie nods off to sleep]
Dracula: Mina... Mina, open your eyes!
[she does]
Dracula: Arise, Mina.
[she does]
Dracula: Walk to the door.
[Mina opens a door, and goes inside]
Dracula: Mina... you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out.
[she does]
Dracula: Now walk to the Terrace Door. Watch out for the foot...
[too late! Mina trips over the footstool, and goes flying]
Dracula: Stool. Stand up.
[Essie and Mina both rise]
Dracula: Not you. Sit!
[Mina sits]
Dracula: No, not you, *you* sit.
[Essie sits]
Dracula: *You* stand.
[both stand]
Dracula: No! Sit!
[both sit]
Dracula: No, you stand!
[both stand]
Dracula: You walk to the Terrace Door and you go back to sleep! *Watch out!*
[Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms in frustration]
Dracula: [to the maid] Essie... Essie... Your eyelids are growing heavy You will sleep... sleep.
[Essie nods off to sleep]
Dracula: Mina... Mina, open your eyes!
[she does]
Dracula: Arise, Mina.
[she does]
Dracula: Walk to the door.
[Mina opens a door, and goes inside]
Dracula: Mina... you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out.
[she does]
Dracula: Now walk to the Terrace Door. Watch out for the foot...
[too late! Mina trips over the footstool, and goes flying]
Dracula: Stool. Stand up.
[Essie and Mina both rise]
Dracula: Not you. Sit!
[Mina sits]
Dracula: No, not you, *you* sit.
[Essie sits]
Dracula: *You* stand.
[both stand]
Dracula: No! Sit!
[both sit]
Dracula: No, you stand!
[both stand]
Dracula: You walk to the Terrace Door and you go back to sleep! *Watch out!*
[Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms in frustration]
[Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera]
Dracula: You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.
[the valet goes to open Seward's chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward's chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]
Usherette: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir?
Dracula: [mimicking her] Can I help you sir?
[normally]
Dracula: What's wrong with you, why did you not tell him?
Usherette: About what?
Dracula: About the message!
Usherette: For whom?
Dracula: Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!
Usherette: No tip?
Dracula: Ah! That, you remember!
Dracula: You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.
[the valet goes to open Seward's chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward's chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]
Usherette: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir?
Dracula: [mimicking her] Can I help you sir?
[normally]
Dracula: What's wrong with you, why did you not tell him?
Usherette: About what?
Dracula: About the message!
Usherette: For whom?
Dracula: Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!
Usherette: No tip?
Dracula: Ah! That, you remember!
[after Van Helsing and Johnanthan have returned from driving a stake through Lucy's heart]
Dr. Steward: I don't understand it! he's covered in blood and there's not a drop on you!
Van Helsing: I have been to many stakings- you have to know where to stand! You know, everything in life is location, location, location...
Dr. Steward: I don't understand it! he's covered in blood and there's not a drop on you!
Van Helsing: I have been to many stakings- you have to know where to stand! You know, everything in life is location, location, location...
Van Helsing: Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?
Dr. Steward: Tepes?
Van Helsing: Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!
Dracula: They had it coming.
Dr. Steward: Tepes?
Van Helsing: Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!
Dracula: They had it coming.
Jonathan Harker: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...
Jonathan Harker: Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
Dr. Steward: Then you're saying yes.
Van Helsing: No.
Dr. Steward: Then you're saying no.
Van Helsing: Not necessarily.
Jonathan Harker: You sound dubious.
Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!
Jonathan Harker: Of what?
Van Helsing: Of my theory!
Jonathan Harker: And that would be?
Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.
Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...
Jonathan Harker: Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
Dr. Steward: Then you're saying yes.
Van Helsing: No.
Dr. Steward: Then you're saying no.
Van Helsing: Not necessarily.
Jonathan Harker: You sound dubious.
Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!
Jonathan Harker: Of what?
Van Helsing: Of my theory!
Jonathan Harker: And that would be?
Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.
Renfield: [as the two Vampire brides climb into his bed] Whatare you on about? What's all this then? Who are you people? I-I'll have you know that's my knee your Straddiling!
Renfield: [they start to gyrate on top of him] No, Stop! Stop it at once! Oh! Ah... No, no this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong, do you hear me, wrong! this is-
[He starts to moan]
Renfield: WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY BRAINS OUT!
Renfield: [they start to gyrate on top of him] No, Stop! Stop it at once! Oh! Ah... No, no this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong, do you hear me, wrong! this is-
[He starts to moan]
Renfield: WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY BRAINS OUT!
Martin: [throwing Renfield back into his cell] You'll stay in here 'til you rot!
[locks door]
Martin: [Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later] Well, you're free to go!
Renfield: Why? How?
Martin: Good behavior.
Renfield: But I've only been here for a moment.
Martin: For that moment, you were very good.
[locks door]
Martin: [Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later] Well, you're free to go!
Renfield: Why? How?
Martin: Good behavior.
Renfield: But I've only been here for a moment.
Martin: For that moment, you were very good.
Jonathan Harker: [having been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, that's horrible. Is there no other way?
Van Helsing: One other. We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic and tear off her ears!
Jonathan Harker: [after a moment's thought] Give me the stake.
[pauses again]
Jonathan Harker: No. No, I can't do it... you do it!
Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life!
Jonathan Harker: I only liked her!
Van Helsing: Close enough!
Van Helsing: One other. We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic and tear off her ears!
Jonathan Harker: [after a moment's thought] Give me the stake.
[pauses again]
Jonathan Harker: No. No, I can't do it... you do it!
Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life!
Jonathan Harker: I only liked her!
Van Helsing: Close enough!
Van Helsing: Where did her blood go? There's nothing on the pillow case, or her nightgown.
[to Dr. Steward]
Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
[looks at Jonathan]
Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
Dr. Steward: No, I can't explain zhat.
Jonathan Harker: I can't explain zhat, either.
Van Helsing: No one can explain zhat!
[to Dr. Steward]
Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
[looks at Jonathan]
Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
Dr. Steward: No, I can't explain zhat.
Jonathan Harker: I can't explain zhat, either.
Van Helsing: No one can explain zhat!
Dracula: [in a dream walking about in the daylight thinking it's real] Everything is so lovely and colorful, and the sun is so shiny!
[He spots two lovers having a picnic]
Dracula: Say there, I just can't help that it is so lovely out here today, but if I could just spare it for a piece of your... chicken?
Lover at Picnic: Oh sure, and some wine?
Dracula: I never drink... wine
[thinks for about three seconds]
Dracula: Oh what the hell, let me try it.
[tastes the wine]
Dracula: ...It's good!
Renfield: [Running towards him shouting] Master! Master!
Dracula: [Happy to see him] Renfield, look at me! I'm drinking wine, and eating chicken!
Renfield: Master, what are you doing out in the daytime?
Dracula: Relax Renfield, I am cured!
[smoke starts coming out of him]
Renfield: No, no you're not! Look!
Dracula: [realizing the smoke] I... made... a mistake... I've got to get back to my coffin!
[He wakes up in panic noticing the dark out the window then, calms down]
Dracula: It is night time, so it wasn't real, I was having... a daymare.
[He spots two lovers having a picnic]
Dracula: Say there, I just can't help that it is so lovely out here today, but if I could just spare it for a piece of your... chicken?
Lover at Picnic: Oh sure, and some wine?
Dracula: I never drink... wine
[thinks for about three seconds]
Dracula: Oh what the hell, let me try it.
[tastes the wine]
Dracula: ...It's good!
Renfield: [Running towards him shouting] Master! Master!
Dracula: [Happy to see him] Renfield, look at me! I'm drinking wine, and eating chicken!
Renfield: Master, what are you doing out in the daytime?
Dracula: Relax Renfield, I am cured!
[smoke starts coming out of him]
Renfield: No, no you're not! Look!
Dracula: [realizing the smoke] I... made... a mistake... I've got to get back to my coffin!
[He wakes up in panic noticing the dark out the window then, calms down]
Dracula: It is night time, so it wasn't real, I was having... a daymare.
[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]
Dr. Steward: I was just telling Ma... what was that?
Renfield: Huh?
Dr. Steward: You just grabbed something from the table.
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Steward: Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.
Renfield: [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.
Dr. Steward: Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.
Renfield: Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.
[the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]
Dr. Steward: How silly of me! It must have been my imagina... there, you did it again!
Renfield: Huh?
Dr. Steward: You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.
[this goes on for two and a half rounds]
Dr. Steward: [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it!
Renfield: A spider?
[swallows the spider in his mouth]
Renfield: How absurd!
Dr. Steward: I was just telling Ma... what was that?
Renfield: Huh?
Dr. Steward: You just grabbed something from the table.
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Steward: Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.
Renfield: [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.
Dr. Steward: Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.
Renfield: Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.
[the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]
Dr. Steward: How silly of me! It must have been my imagina... there, you did it again!
Renfield: Huh?
Dr. Steward: You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.
[this goes on for two and a half rounds]
Dr. Steward: [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it!
Renfield: A spider?
[swallows the spider in his mouth]
Renfield: How absurd!
[still at the breakfast scene. A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. Renfield, intentionally, throws his fork]
Renfield: Oh! Dropped my fork!
[Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]
Dr. Steward: Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there?
Renfield: Fork found!
[comes back up]
Renfield: Sorry for the delay.
[the grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused]
Dr. Steward: My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!
Renfield: What makes you say that?
Dr. Steward: I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!
Renfield: Out of my mouth?
Dr. Steward: Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wiggling about!
Renfield: Don't be ridiculous! Wiggling!
Dr. Steward: I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life!
[Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, and quickly scoops it up]
Renfield: I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!
Dr. Steward: Me, ranting? You're the ranter!
[Renfield spots a fly]
Renfield: [to the fly] Hello, little darling!
[grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]
Renfield: Don't be afraid!
[laughs in a strange tone]
Renfield: I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!
[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table]
Renfield: Oh! Dropped my fork!
[Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]
Dr. Steward: Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there?
Renfield: Fork found!
[comes back up]
Renfield: Sorry for the delay.
[the grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused]
Dr. Steward: My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!
Renfield: What makes you say that?
Dr. Steward: I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!
Renfield: Out of my mouth?
Dr. Steward: Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wiggling about!
Renfield: Don't be ridiculous! Wiggling!
Dr. Steward: I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life!
[Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, and quickly scoops it up]
Renfield: I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!
Dr. Steward: Me, ranting? You're the ranter!
[Renfield spots a fly]
Renfield: [to the fly] Hello, little darling!
[grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]
Renfield: Don't be afraid!
[laughs in a strange tone]
Renfield: I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!
[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table]
Dracula: [carrying Essie out instead of Mina] You will be my bride throughout eternity. We'll share the endless passion of immortal love.
Essie: Oh I can't wait!
Dracula: [stares at her in surprise] NOT YOU!
Dracula: [takes her back inside and throws heron the floor, and carries Mina out, speaking very fast] You will be my bride throughout eternity, we'll share the endless passion of immortal love!
Essie: Oh I can't wait!
Dracula: [stares at her in surprise] NOT YOU!
Dracula: [takes her back inside and throws heron the floor, and carries Mina out, speaking very fast] You will be my bride throughout eternity, we'll share the endless passion of immortal love!
Dracula: [after flying out the window to the ground below] Time for you to join me! Come, Renfield.
[Renfield obeys and dives out the window, crash-landing on the ground below, then staggers disoriented to his feet]
Renfield: [Hobbles in pain] Yes, Master... Yes... Ohhhh!
Dracula: Renfield... I meant for you to use the drainpipe
[Points]
Dracula: I fly... You don't!
Renfield: Yes, master... You fly... I don't... Yes, yes...
[Hobbling off behind DRACULA]
[Renfield obeys and dives out the window, crash-landing on the ground below, then staggers disoriented to his feet]
Renfield: [Hobbles in pain] Yes, Master... Yes... Ohhhh!
Dracula: Renfield... I meant for you to use the drainpipe
[Points]
Dracula: I fly... You don't!
Renfield: Yes, master... You fly... I don't... Yes, yes...
[Hobbling off behind DRACULA]
Renfield: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...
Renfield: Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying yes.
Van Helsing: No.
Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying no.
Van Helsing: Not necessarily.
Renfield: You sound dubious.
Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!
Renfield: Of what?
Van Helsing: Of my theory!
Renfield: And that would be?
Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.
Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...
Renfield: Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying yes.
Van Helsing: No.
Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying no.
Van Helsing: Not necessarily.
Renfield: You sound dubious.
Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!
Renfield: Of what?
Van Helsing: Of my theory!
Renfield: And that would be?
Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.
[Johnathon drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again!
Jonathan Harker: Oh no... i can't...
Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?
Van Helsing: [Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]
Van Helsing: She's almost dead!
Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough.
Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again!
Jonathan Harker: Oh no... i can't...
Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?
Van Helsing: [Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]
Van Helsing: She's almost dead!
Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough.
[Dracula picks up Jonathan by the throat]
Dracula: Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me!
[Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan]
Dracula: Ow!
Dracula: Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me!
[Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan]
Dracula: Ow!
