Mel Brooks' parody of the classic vampire story and its famous film adaptations.

[Dracula is outside Mina's room]
Dracula: [to the maid] Essie... Essie... Your eyelids are growing heavy You will sleep... sleep.
[Essie nods off to sleep]
Dracula: Mina... Mina, open your eyes!
[she does]
Dracula: Arise, Mina.
[she does]
Dracula: Walk to the door.
[Mina opens a door, and goes inside]
Dracula: Mina... you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out.
[she does]
Dracula: Now walk to the Terrace Door. Watch out for the foot...
[too late! Mina trips over the footstool, and goes flying]
Dracula: Stool. Stand up.
[Essie and Mina both rise]
Dracula: Not you. Sit!
[Mina sits]
Dracula: No, not you, *you* sit.
[Essie sits]
Dracula: *You* stand.
[both stand]
Dracula: No! Sit!
[both sit]
Dracula: No, you stand!
[both stand]
Dracula: You walk to the Terrace Door and you go back to sleep! *Watch out!*
[Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms in frustration]
[Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera]
Dracula: You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.
[the valet goes to open Seward's chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward's chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]
Usherette: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir?
Dracula: [mimicking her] Can I help you sir?
Dracula: What's wrong with you, why did you not tell him?
Usherette: About what?
Dracula: About the message!
Usherette: For whom?
Dracula: Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!
Usherette: No tip?
Dracula: Ah! That, you remember!
[after Van Helsing and Johnanthan have returned from driving a stake through Lucy's heart]
Dr. Steward: I don't understand it! he's covered in blood and there's not a drop on you!
Van Helsing: I have been to many stakings- you have to know where to stand! You know, everything in life is location, location, location...
Van Helsing: Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?
Dr. Steward: Tepes?
Van Helsing: Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!
Dracula: They had it coming.
[after he has inadvertently killed Dracula]
Renfield: Master... I'm sorry !
[draws a smiley face in the ashes]
Renfield: There... you're starting to look like your old self again!
[He breaks down crying]
Jonathan Harker: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...
Jonathan Harker: Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
Dr. Steward: Then you're saying yes.
Van Helsing: No.
Dr. Steward: Then you're saying no.
Van Helsing: Not necessarily.
Jonathan Harker: You sound dubious.
Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!
Jonathan Harker: Of what?
Van Helsing: Of my theory!
Jonathan Harker: And that would be?
Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.
Jonathan Harker: She's alive?
Van Helsing: She's Nosferatu.
Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?
Renfield: [as the two Vampire brides climb into his bed] Whatare you on about? What's all this then? Who are you people? I-I'll have you know that's my knee your Straddiling!
Renfield: [they start to gyrate on top of him] No, Stop! Stop it at once! Oh! Ah... No, no this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong, do you hear me, wrong! this is-
[He starts to moan]
Renfield: [upon seeing two voluptuous vampire women - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What on earth are you doing to the furniture?
Dr. Steward: Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.
Van Helsing: And gynaecology.
Dr. Steward: Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.
Van Helsing: [examining Lucy's throat with a magnifying lens] Three tiny puncture Marks on her Throat...
Dr. Steward: Three?
Van Helsing: [breathes on and polishes the lens] Two. Two tiny Puncture marks on her throat.
Jonathan Harker: [having been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, that's horrible. Is there no other way?
Van Helsing: One other. We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic and tear off her ears!
Jonathan Harker: [after a moment's thought] Give me the stake.
[pauses again]
Jonathan Harker: No. No, I can't do it... you do it!
Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life!
Jonathan Harker: I only liked her!
Van Helsing: Close enough!
Van Helsing: Where did her blood go? There's nothing on the pillow case, or her nightgown.
[to Dr. Steward]
Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
[looks at Jonathan]
Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
Dr. Steward: No, I can't explain zhat.
Jonathan Harker: I can't explain zhat, either.
Van Helsing: No one can explain zhat!
Martin: [throwing Renfield back into his cell] You'll stay in here 'til you rot!
[locks door]
Martin: [Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later] Well, you're free to go!
Renfield: Why? How?
Martin: Good behavior.
Renfield: But I've only been here for a moment.
Martin: For that moment, you were very good.
Renfield: [Renfield has been caught peeping at Lucy, and is being thrown back into the Asylum] I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything!
Renfield: [Orderly who threw him in the cell leaves] I saw everything.
Van Helsing: Why don't we have a look at the brain?
Woodbridge: [smiling] Mhm.
Van Helsing: First we crack open the skull, like so.
[bashes the corpse's head with a big hammer]
Van Helsing: Behold the naked human brain... Examine it!
[throws the brain to Woodbridge]
Woodbridge: [screams and faints]
[Jonathan had just impaled Lucy, and was hit by two rounds of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh! This is - this is ghastly!
Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!
Renfield: Yes, I'm schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.
Villager #1: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #2: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #3: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #4: ...Schh-eduled?
Dracula: [in a dream walking about in the daylight thinking it's real] Everything is so lovely and colorful, and the sun is so shiny!
[He spots two lovers having a picnic]
Dracula: Say there, I just can't help that it is so lovely out here today, but if I could just spare it for a piece of your... chicken?
Lover at Picnic: Oh sure, and some wine?
Dracula: I never drink... wine
[thinks for about three seconds]
Dracula: Oh what the hell, let me try it.
[tastes the wine]
Dracula: ...It's good!
Renfield: [Running towards him shouting] Master! Master!
Dracula: [Happy to see him] Renfield, look at me! I'm drinking wine, and eating chicken!
Renfield: Master, what are you doing out in the daytime?
Dracula: Relax Renfield, I am cured!
[smoke starts coming out of him]
Renfield: No, no you're not! Look!
Dracula: [realizing the smoke] I... made... a mistake... I've got to get back to my coffin!
[He wakes up in panic noticing the dark out the window then, calms down]
Dracula: It is night time, so it wasn't real, I was having... a daymare.
Dracula: [his last line] Renfield, you asshole!
[after becoming a vampire, Lucy comes on to Jonathan]
Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm British!
[Lucy reveals her cleavage]
Lucy Westenra: But so are these!
Dracula: [carrying Essie out instead of Mina] You will be my bride throughout eternity. We'll share the endless passion of immortal love.
Essie: Oh I can't wait!
Dracula: [stares at her in surprise] NOT YOU!
Dracula: [takes her back inside and throws heron the floor, and carries Mina out, speaking very fast] You will be my bride throughout eternity, we'll share the endless passion of immortal love!
[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]
Dr. Steward: I was just telling Ma... what was that?
Renfield: Huh?
Dr. Steward: You just grabbed something from the table.
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Steward: Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.
Renfield: [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.
Dr. Steward: Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.
Renfield: Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.
[the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]
Dr. Steward: How silly of me! It must have been my imagina... there, you did it again!
Renfield: Huh?
Dr. Steward: You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.
[this goes on for two and a half rounds]
Dr. Steward: [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it!
Renfield: A spider?
[swallows the spider in his mouth]
Renfield: How absurd!
[a bat poops on the stairs]
Dracula: Children of the night... What a mess they make.
[still at the breakfast scene. A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. Renfield, intentionally, throws his fork]
Renfield: Oh! Dropped my fork!
[Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]
Dr. Steward: Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there?
Renfield: Fork found!
[comes back up]
Renfield: Sorry for the delay.
[the grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused]
Dr. Steward: My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!
Renfield: What makes you say that?
Dr. Steward: I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!
Renfield: Out of my mouth?
Dr. Steward: Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wiggling about!
Renfield: Don't be ridiculous! Wiggling!
Dr. Steward: I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life!
[Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, and quickly scoops it up]
Renfield: I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!
Dr. Steward: Me, ranting? You're the ranter!
[Renfield spots a fly]
Renfield: [to the fly] Hello, little darling!
[grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]
Renfield: Don't be afraid!
[laughs in a strange tone]
Renfield: I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!
[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table]
Lucy Westenra: I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together.
Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead.
Lucy Westenra: I'm not dead. I'm undead.
Jonathan Harker: Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.
Dracula: [after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier] I must move the coffin or the chandelier.
Renfield: Yes MASTER!
Dracula: [after flying out the window to the ground below] Time for you to join me! Come, Renfield.
[Renfield obeys and dives out the window, crash-landing on the ground below, then staggers disoriented to his feet]
Renfield: [Hobbles in pain] Yes, Master... Yes... Ohhhh!
Dracula: Renfield... I meant for you to use the drainpipe
Dracula: I fly... You don't!
Renfield: Yes, master... You fly... I don't... Yes, yes...
[Hobbling off behind DRACULA]
Renfield: [as the vampire women are seducing Renfield] "Wrong me! Wrong me! Wrong me!"
[last lines]
Van Helsing: Foushta!
[Johnathon drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again!
Jonathan Harker: Oh no... i can't...
Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?
Van Helsing: [Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]
Van Helsing: She's almost dead!
Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough.
Jonathan Harker: I can't, Mina, I'm British.
Mina Murray: But so are these!
Renfield: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...
Renfield: Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying yes.
Van Helsing: No.
Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying no.
Van Helsing: Not necessarily.
Renfield: You sound dubious.
Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!
Renfield: Of what?
Van Helsing: Of my theory!
Renfield: And that would be?
Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.
Renfield: No! Not ANOTHER enema!
Dracula: Renfield, you were having a nightmare!
Renfield: A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women; grinding, heaving. I don't know how to describe it...
Renfield: Have you ever been to Paris?
Dr. Steward: [to Martin, about Renfield] Put him in a straitjacket and give him an enema! Wait, give him an enema FIRST, then put him in a straitjacket!
Mina Murray: Oh it makes me so happy to be at the Opera! I love this palace of art and beauty!
Jonathan Harker: Johnathan: Oh yes my dear, the Opera is astonishing! The music is frothed with love, hate, sensuality and unbridled passion!... All the things in my life I've managed to suppress so far.
Mina Murray: [after Dr.Steward catches Jonathan with his hands on Mina's behind] Without any reason, he put his hands on me!
Jonathan Harker: [exasperate] But she told me to touch it!
Renfield: Master! Master!... I mean... Mister! Mister!
Dr. Steward: Would an enema help?
Lover at Picnic: Would you care for some wine?
Dracula: I never drink wine... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.
Dracula: [waking up from a bad dream] Oh, it's night-time. I was having a daymare.
[Dracula picks up Jonathan by the throat]
Dracula: Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me!
[Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan]
Dracula: Ow!
Jonathan Harker: [watching Mina's reflection in a mirror as she's dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she's dancing alone] She's doing quite well without him, isn't she?

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