Dude, Where's My Car?

Dude, Where's My Car? Quotes

Two potheads wake up after a night of partying and cannot remember where they parked their car.

[Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet."]
Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!
Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" But what does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "S - wee - t!" What about mine?
[later]
Chester: [angry] "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: [screaming] "Sweet!"
Chinese Foooood Lady: And then?
Jesse: No "and then"!
Chinese Foooood Lady: And then!
Jesse: Dude, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?
Jesse: DUDE, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?
[Jeese and Chester come across an ostrich]
Jesse: Dude, it's a llama!
Mr. Pizzacoli: A trained dolphin could deliver pizzas better than you two!
Jesse: But then the pizzas would get all wet.
Jesse: Hey, have you seen my car?
Christie Boner: Well I saw it last night... I saw the backseat.
Jesse: No, I'm talking about the whole thing.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: And then...
[laughs nervously]
Jesse: I'm gonna come in there...
[grows livid]
Jesse: and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!'!
[pause; Jesse almost gives in]
Chinese Food Intercom: [repeatedly] And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!
[Jesse furiously smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away]
Chinese Food Intercom: [severely damaged] And then...?
[as Super Hot Giant Alien passes overhead, a Father and Son see up her skirt]
Birthday Son: I want to go on that ride, Daddy.
Birthday Father: Me, too, Son. Me, too.
Mark: I've been in this cage for 3 years and 5 months and 17 days but who's countin' HAHAHA
Mr. Pizzacoli: [knocks on the door] Open up, you 2 slackers!
Jesse and Chester: [quietly] Mr. Pizzacoli!
Mr. Pizzacoli: You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered, and I want some answers!
Jesse and Chester: [notice the undelivered pizzas around the house] Uh-oh.
Mr. Pizzacoli: OPEN UP THIS DAMN DOOR!
Chester: It's open!
Jesse: OHHH!
[he hits Chester]
Chester: A barn?
Jesse: Is it red?
Chester: No.
Jesse: Then it's not a barn!
Tania: I'm a gender-challenged male.
Jesse: [shouts] Whoa! Dude, you're a dude!
Alien Nordic Dude #1: We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey.
Mark: E-mail me ok? Freak-in-cage-dot-com
Mr. Pizzacoli: Damn! Now those are some big-ass panties.
Jesse: Look, it's an elephant!
Mr. Pizzacoli: [turning around] What?
Jesse: It was just a mailman.
Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?
Chester: Oh ,that's my alter ego.
Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego.
Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.
Jesse: Oh yeah.
[Repeated line]
Chester and Jesse: Shibby!
[Pierre has a deep French ascent]
Pierre: But luckily for you, I am an onihgable man.
Mark: Excuse me, what was that?
Pierre: Onihgable!
Mark: What?... Oner gable?
Pierre: Onihgable!
Mark: Omini-hrm?
Pierre: Onihgable!
Mark: I still don't...
Pierre: [Irritated] Onihgable!
Mark: [Pronouncing it perfectly] I think the word you're looking for is "honorable".
Pierre: SHUT UP!
Zoltan: We'll travel through space... with cool aliens who LIKE us!
Chester: Look, a unicorn!
[Mr. Pizzacoli looks]
Mr. Pizzacoli: A unicorn?
Chester: Sorry, I guess it was just a regular horse.
Pierre: Can I get you guys some beers?
Mark: I'd like a "Near Beer," please.
Pierre: SHUT UP!
[smacks Mark's cage with horsewhip]
Pierre: WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO SHUT YOU UP?
Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!
Chester: Can he also bong a beer?
Nelson: Nah, all he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.
Jesse: I do not want to go down in history as the guy who destroyed the universe.
Zoltan: You gotta activate the...
Space Nerds: Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam!
Jesse: What?
Mr. Pizzacoli: They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL!
Chester: Hurry, activate it, dude!
[a small panel on the Transfunctioner reads "Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam"]
Chester: I think that's it, dude.
Jesse: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Chester: Morphing is cool!
Chester: [to Jesse] It's Mrs. Crabbleman! Maybe she'll give us a ride. Mrs. Crabbleman! Mrs. Crabbleman!
[runs into the middle of the street]
Chester: Mrs. Crabblman!
Mrs. Crabbleman: [see's Chester]
Chester: Mrs. Crabbleman!
Mrs. Crabbleman: [purposefully swerves to hit Chester with her car] Fuckin' stoners.
Zoltan: Quick! To my parents' minivan!
[first lines]
Jesse: What's up?
Chester: Animal Planet!
Jesse: Man, I just had the craziest dream.
Chester: About what?
Jesse: I don't remember
[chuckles]
[Jesse and Chester are looking up at the Super Hot Giant Alien]
Jesse: That is amazing!
Chester: Yeah! Those are the biggest hoo-hoos I've ever seen!
[At the police station]
Jesse, Officer Rick: [go to High Five]
Jesse: [Pulls back] Sucker!
Officer Rick: Oh, whose the goose? Me!
Chester: You're such a goose!
[Jesse & Chester's answering machine message]
Jesse: Jesse...
Chester: ...and Chester are shibby at the moment.
Jesse: Please your shibby at the beep.
Jesse & Chester: Shibby.
[Chester refuses to leave a strip club]
Jesse: Dude, this is an *emergency*!
Chester: So is this. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!
Jesse: Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?
Chester: [opens cupboard] I'd say it's entirely possible.
Chester: How wasted were we last night?
Jesse: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.
[repeated line]
Tommy: Stoner-bashin' time!
Pierre: [on "No Trespassing" sign] No trespassing. Violators will be castrated: Balls - Cut - Off.
Wilma: You'd better stay away from our boyfriends.
Wanda: You fake-breasted sluts!
Officer Rick: Oh... Did you guys say you wanted your car back, or that you wanted it impounded?
Jesse: Uhh, we want it back
Officer Rick: Oh, yeah, see, I accidentally sent your car to the impound lot. Sorry.
Jesse & Chester: Rick!
Mr. Pizzacoli: I know you've been embezzelin' my pizzas, and I will catch you eventually. And when I do, I swear ta God, you will neva deliver pizzas in this town again!
Tommy: Quick, to my step-dad's pickup truck!
Jumpsuit Chick #1: We are not guys. We are hot chicks.
Zarnoff: [introducing the Zoltan cult] My name is Zarnoff. This is Zabu, Zellnor, Zelbor, Zelmina, and, uh, Jeff.
Jeff: Hey.
[Jesse attacked a speaker box]
Chester: Well, you didn't have to go all aggro on that speaker box, dude.
Jesse: I'm not the one who called the Dalai Lama a fag!
Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?
Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
Chester: Is that what that is?
Jesse: Yeah, I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
Chester: Yeah!
Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
Chester: We can?
Jesse: Yeah! And you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.
Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse: Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna go down the impound lot and get the car...
Chester: ...which has the gifts in it...
Jesse: ...and then we're gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!
Chester: Yeah! Let's do it!
Jesse: Oh, no, hold on. I gotta take a crap.
Chester: Told you.
Jesse: I know.
Chester: I know your body.
Alien Nordic Dude #1: Could you please tell us where we may find the Continuum Transfuctioner?
Chinese Foooood Lady: And then?
Alien Nordic Dude #1: And then we may go and get it?
Chinese Foooood Lady: And then?
[pause]
Alien Nordic Dude #2: Can I get an order of shrimp fried rice?
Jesse: [after being arrested] Chester, I've seen this on Cops! Fight back!
Chester: [to a policeman] Can you turn on the siren?
Jesse: You know what we should do?
Chester: Eat?
Jesse: No.
[thinks for a moment]
Jesse: Eat!
Jesse: Look, dude. It's those two totally gay Nordic dudes at 10 o'clock!
Jesse: Stupid llamas!
Jesse: I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.
Jumpsuit Chick #1: If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure.
Jesse: That's us!
Chester: Right here!
Chester: The full grown male african ostrich or the latin "struthio camelus" can go to an average size of sixty six inches... and weight anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds that can get up to... well an average speed of... 27 miles per hour.
[a plastic doll has just taken a lot of punishment]
Chester: Hang in there buddy!
Alien Nordic Dude: But the universe?
Jesse: [mocking the Nordic dude's accent] "Screw the Universe!"
Alien Nordic Dudes: Screw the universe?
Jesse: Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying.
[Chester slaps him]
Jesse: Thanks, dude.
Nelson: Deep inside your consciousness you must look. Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must.
Zelmina, Space Nerd #3: Does he have to talk like that?
Christie Boner: I like the way you talk.
Chester: [the two have just had trash cans put over their heads] Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.
Jesse: Shibby!
Chester: [Reaches out from under the trash can] Low five.
Jumpsuit Chick #1: First you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner, then we give you oral pleasure.
Jesse: I've heard that one before...
Jesse: I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!
[about the hot chicks]
Chester: Those double-crossing, sexy-sexy sluts!
[starts crying]

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