Eagle vs Shark is the tale of two socially awkward misfits and the strange ways they try to find love; through revenge on high-school bullies, burgers, and video games.

Lily: How did you find out where I live?
Jarrod: I got my flatmate to ring up your work. Tell them it was an emergency. You probably shouldn't go in there, they think you're dead.
Man on phone: D'you want to leave a message?
Jarrod: Tell him that justice is waiting for him.
Man on phone: OK Justin. Thank you. Bye bye.
[hangs up]
Jarrod: No, justice. Justice.
Jarrod: It's time to pay the piper. He's gonna reap what he sowed, and it sure ain't corn. Or wheat.
Jarrod: Bitch!
Nancy: Cock hole!
Jarrod: Bitch!
Nancy: Cock hole!
Jarrod: Don't call me cock hole, bitch!
Jarrod: That was some pretty good sex last night, huh?
Lily: I have two things to say. One: I am leaving tomorrow on a bus. Two: that could change.
Jarrod: I almost came as a shark actually, but then I realized an eagle's slightly better.
Jarrod: I'm so complex!
Jonah: Take me away from here.
Lily: Where?
Jonah: Anywhere. Help me escape.
Lily: Okay. Where should we go?
Jonah: Where do you want to go?
Lily: Home, I want to go home.
Jonah: Ah, home's horrible. You must want to go somewhere else.
Lily: Mmm, dunno. Australia?
Jonah: Nah, not there. My ex-wife lives there.
Lily: What, is she alive?
Jonah: Who cares about her, she's a lesbian.
Lily: Do you want the big fries?
Jarrod: No.
Lily: It's free. I'll give them to you. The big size. Free. You'll save a dollar fifty. Free.
Jarrod: Um, ok.
Lily: Do you want cheese on your burger?
Jarrod: No, thanks.
Lily: It's free, too. I'll give it to you. You'll save sixty cents.
Jarrod: No, thanks.
Lily: Why? It's free cheese.
Jarrod: Can't eat cheese.
Lily: Oh, ok. No cheese.
[as Lily enters the room, her face caked in makeup]
Doug Davis: Woah!
Nancy: Wow!
Doug Davis: Stop the press! We've got a fashion model in the house! Is that the makeup you got from us?
Lily: Yep.
Doug Davis: And your skin's all right?
Lily: Yep. Why?
Nancy: Oh, we were just wondering.
Jarrod: You're a bitch and you're going to die of diabetes!
[Jarrod's family and Lily are all eating dinner together. Jarrod clumsily clinks his fork on his glass to get everybody's attention]
Jarrod: [stands up] Well, I suppose I should say a few words...
Nancy: [interrupting] Why?
Jarrod: [shoots Nancy a look before continuing] Now we're all here, I'd just like to say that I'm really happy that we're all together under the same roof. It's always great to come home. And I'd also like to say that this Saturday I will be having a scheduled fight with Eric Elisi, the Samoan.
Nancy: Oh, yeah. He used to beat you up.
Mason: And me.
Jarrod: [points at Mason] Yeah, and him. He was the toughest guy at our school. He used to pick on quite a few people, actually. Anyway, you're all invited to attend, it'd be great to see you there. Thank you.
Zane: Why are you fighting him, Uncle?
Jarrod: [stands again] Well Zane, basically, I'm gonna restore honour to the family name. To your family name.
Zane: My family name's Davis. Eh, Dad?
Doug Davis: Yep. Dangerous Davis, back in the day.
Nancy: Yeah, I'm a Davis too.
Jarrod: [exasperated] Yeah well it doesn't matter, does it? We're family. That's what matters.
Damien: [wearing a many-eyed costume] I'm just a spectator.
Lily: Some people don't have sleeping bags.

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