Erik the Viking and his men travel across the sea to find Valhalla to ask the gods to end the Age of Ragnarok.

Thorfinn Skullsplitter: You mean... you can't kill ANYBODY?
King Arnulf: Right! Isn't it wonderful?
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: What? Not being able to kill anybody?
King Arnulf: Well, of course.
Erik: How?
King Arnulf: Well... for a start... er... there's no killing...
Erik: Well, OBVIOUSLY there's no killing.
King Arnulf: Well...
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: But how d'you take revenge?
Keitel Blacksmith: How do you punish people?
Ivar the Boneless: How do you DEFEND yourselves?
King Arnulf: We don't have to. We're all terribly nice to each other.
Erik: Maybe none of us will return.
Snorri the Miserable: Oh, well that's much more sensible than just Thorfin getting killed. Shall we all go and pack now?
King Arnulf: [Hy-Brasil is sinking, everything is collapsing and exploding] Everyone stay calm! This is not happening!
Thorfinn's Mum: And you've got BOTH axes?
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Yes, Mother.
Thorfinn's Mum: And something to sharpen them with?
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Yes, Mum.
Thorfinn's Mum: And don't forget: never let your enemy get behind you.
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: No, Mother.
Thorfinn's Mum: And keep your sword greased.
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Yes, Mother. Goodbye, Dad.
Thorfinn's Dad: And don't forget to wash - you know - ALL over.
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: No, Dad.
Thorfinn's Mum: And if you have to kill somebody, KILL them! Don't stop to think about it.
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: I never do...
Erik: And you, Sven, aren't you afraid of crossing the Rainbow Bridge to Asgaard?
Sven the Berserk: I will join my grandfather there!
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: He's not in Valhalla! He died of old age.
Harald the Missionary: Listen. I've been in this dump for sixteen years and I haven't made a single convert...
Snorri the Miserable: There was Thorbjorn Vifilsson's wife. You converted HER.
Harald the Missionary: Thorbjorn Vifilsson's wife became a Buddhist, not a Christian.
Snorri the Miserable: Same thing, isn't it?
Harald the Missionary: No, it is NOT.
Princess Aud: But, but you loved her all the same?
Erik: We never went to bed together.
Princess Aud: Why do you go on about that?
Erik: You have been to bed with somebody else, haven't you?
Princess Aud: I've never loved anybody!
Erik: I've never been to bed with anybody!
Erik: I am the air! I am the wind!
Loki: Erik and the men of Ravensfjord are setting off to cross the Western Ocean.
Halfdan the Black: Lucky things! I could do with a holiday, I can tell you. All this financial work, you know... The stress really gets you.
[to his henchmen holding a prisoner]
Halfdan the Black: Um... flay him alive, garrotte him and then behead him.
Sven's Dad: [about Erik thinking he is invisible] There that's a true Berserk!
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: There's only one way to settle it. He must kill me!
Halfdan the Black: [to his henchmen] Er, just cut his hand off.
Prisoner: Oh, Thank you my lord! Thank you a million thanks yous. You can cut them both off if you want! Thank you very much.
Sven the Berserk: You'll see my grandfather in Valhalla.
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: [dying of wounds] No... he's not... not there.
Snorri the Miserable: Anyone know any good drowning songs?
Erik: Listen! Maybe we won't get to Hy-Brasil! Maybe we won't find the Horn Resounding... but at least we've tried... and at least we shall have died like men.
Snorri the Miserable: Like fish.
Harald the Missionary: You know, my son, our lord said...
Snorri the Miserable: Your lord.
Harald the Missionary: Quite... my lord said: "The Prayer of Faith shall have the sick."
Snorri the Miserable: I hope the Dragon of North Sea gets you and your lord.
Harald the Missionary: Darkness and ignorance...
Snorri the Miserable: First we're flying - now we're sinking!
Helga: [Erik has accidentally run his sword through her while killing the other two Vikings who were raping her] Thanks for saving me from a fate worse than death!
Erik: I didn't mean to!
Helga: [Gasping for breath] Oh, that's all right then... it's the thought... that counts...
Erik: Tell me your name?... Tell me... what IS it...?
[Helga dies before she can answer]
Erik: Ooh! Scary! Scary! Don't we look mean? You can't see me! But I can see you!
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Are you all right?
Ivar the Boneless: No, I'm not.
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: You don't need to feel bad about being sea-sick, you know.
Ivar the Boneless: How can you help feeling bad when you're sea-sick?
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: I mean many of the greatest sailors were.
Ivar the Boneless: I know. I know.
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Olaf Tryggvason used to throw up on every single voyage... the whole time... non-stop... puke... puke... puke.
Ivar the Boneless: Look! I don't feel BAD about it. I just feel ILL.
Thorfinn Skullsplitter: He used to puke in his sleep.
Ivar the Boneless: Bastard.
Halfdan the Black: Look, I'm not an unreasonable man, Thord Andersson, but this is the second chance that I've given you.
Prisoner: But I'm a poor man, sir.
Halfdan the Black: Yes, but it's not just me, you see. A lot of people depend on this money. I really can't give you a third chance, I'm so sorry.
Halfdan the Black: [to his henchmen] Er, would you please behead him? Please?...
Prisoner: Oh no! Take all my sheep, all of them.
Halfdan the Black: Oh, that's a good idea. Take all his sheep.
King Arnulf: Now, I want you to be absolutely, totally, genuinely honest with me. Did you really, truly, honesty like it?
Erik: ...No.
King Arnulf: They didn't like it! Oh my God! I want to die!
Princess Aud: Have you ever felt like this about anyone else?
Erik: You mean got into bed with them?
Princess Aud: No. Of course not, silly. No, I mean felt like this about them?
Erik: You mean you have got into bed with somebody else?
Princess Aud: No, I mean have you ever felt that for the first time in your life you've met someone you really can believe in with your whole heart? Someone who's goals suddenly seem to be your goals. Those dreams become your dreams.
Erik: Have you ever been to bed with anyone else?

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