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The San Fernando Valley adventures of trucker turned prize-fighter Philo Beddoe and his pet orangutan Clyde.
Cholla: [the Black Widows have shown up at Philo's home, Ma Boggs is on the porch, they pull their bikes into her yard and Cholla pulls up on the porch] Say, old lady, where's Philo Beddoe? Ma Boggs: How the hell do I know? Get off my porch with that thing. Get off my property! Cholla: You're uh... you're not very hospitable. Ma Boggs: Hospitable my ass. Get off my porch! Cholla: Very well, if you insist. [Cholla chains his bike to a support on the front porch, pulling it down... bikers laugh, Ma pulls out a pump-action shotgun] Woody: [seeing the gun] Alright lady... put down that gun now! [bikers dive out of her way] Woody: I'm warning you lady! Put down that gun now! [Ma fires and bike next to Woody explodes... she shoots several other bikes as they're attempting to flee] Ma Boggs: [during a recoil] Oof! Woody: [running after his gang on foot] Wait for me! Ma Boggs: [seeing the flaming bikes on her lawn... to herself] First the police, and I told those boys not to leave a vulnerable old lady all alone! [goes inside with gun] Ma Boggs: Hospitable? Horseshit!
Orville Boggs: Are those guys coming after me? Those guys are coming AFTER me.
Ma Boggs: Twelve ribs, my ass!
[Later in the day, Herb is digging a hole in the sand while Putnam rests and drinks a beer] Putnam: Herb? Herb: Yeah? Putnam: What are we gonna do with that son-of-a-bitch? Herb: Who? Putnam: You know damn well what I'm talking about. That cowboy at the Palomino Club. Herb: I don't know what you can do about it. What can we do, man? Putnam: You mean to stand and tell me you'll let him get away with it? Herb: Well, Putnam, you got anything in mind? Putnam: What I got in mind is to break his stupid head. [Herb is exhausted from digging] Herb: Whew! Hey, listen, you sure that thing works? Putnam: Sure it works. Just keep digging. Herb: Besides, you don't even know where to find him. Putnam: Don't worry. I'll find him. I've got a plan. Herb: What's that? Putnam: I'll use my medical leave. Herb: [laughs] You mean to say that you're gonna spend your two weeks medical leave looking for him? Putnam: I'll spend the next two years looking for him if I have to.
Ma Boggs: [Ma has just learned of Philo and Orville's trip plans... turning to Philo] What're you gonna do with the baboon? Philo Beddoe: Orangutan, Ma. Clyde's an orangutan. Ma Boggs: [scoffs] Well, what's the difference? Philo Beddoe: 12 ribs. Just like you and me. Ma Boggs: [persistent] What're you gonna do with him? Philo Beddoe: He's coming with me. Come on, Clyde! [Clyde enters back of camper] Ma Boggs: Well, when are you comin' back? [turns to Orville and repeats same question] Orville Boggs: Whenever it's time, Ma! Ma Boggs: [shruggs, exasperated] It just don't seem right to leave an old lady alone. And what about my goddamn license? [they drive off... to herself] Ma Boggs: This is... it's just... [walks off] Ma Boggs: Twelve ribs... I don't believe any of that shit!
Waitress: [to Elmo after the Widows question her about Philo's whereabouts] You want to talk, take a walk. You want to eat, take a seat. [diner erupts into laughter] Frank: [to fat man at counter] What're you laughing at, lard ass? Fat Man: [fuming] I tell you what. You turn around and walk out that door, and I'll forget what you said. [looks up at Frank, grinning] Fat Man: And I won't tell everybody you drink horse piss! [waitress and patrons giggle] Frank: Elmo, Cholla, did you hear what he just said? Cholla: [fiercely] I heard it. Waitress: [taking fat man's plate] I'll just keep this warm for you, Lester. Frank: Okay bigmouth, let's go. Waitress: [to fat man] You want me to keep a piece of that lemon merangue? Fat Man: Yeah, this won't take but a minute. [to Frank] Fat Man: Let's go, cutes! [all exit to watch the fight]
[At a diner, Frank and Elmo, members of the Black Widows, have bought a beer for Lynn, to which Philo "cheers" to them. Frank and Elmo walk towards Philo, Lynn, and Orville] Philo Beddoe: That's mighty nice of you. Elmo: [shows Philo his Widow tattoo] You see that? Philo Beddoe: An arm? Elmo: No, that! Philo Beddoe: A tattoo? Elmo: He don't know what this means. Frank: [shows Orville his Widow tattoo] Do you see that? Orville Boggs: [sneezes] Ah-choo! Oh, sorry. Philo Beddoe: Two tattoos. Elmo: Them's Black Widows. Frank: Did you know that more people die from black widows than rattlers every year? Orville Boggs: Is that right? Frank: Yeah, that's right. Orville Boggs: Well, listen, I sure do appreciate knowing that because most of the people I know just - puh - step on them and squish them Frank: I don't need this cheap shit. Philo Beddoe: Orville, that's no way to thank you two guys just bought us a beer. Why don't you get the check and I'll go outside and thank them properly Elmo: Oh, okay.
[In Georgetown, Colorado, Philo walks up to Lynn's SUV, but she immediately takes off] Philo Beddoe: Lynn! Cholla: You Philo Beddoe? Philo Beddoe: Do I know you? Cholla: You're gonna. [Philo walks down the alley towards Cholla, but then sees Woody and Dallas, the two widows who escaped Philo earlier in the valley; "Spaghetti Western" music plays] Philo Beddoe: [notices Woody & Dallas] Yeah, last time I saw you two, you were going for a fast freight. Dallas: Last time we saw you, you were dirt-diving in an alfalfa patch. Woody: Philo Beddoe, your time has come.
Cholla: The very first thing we do is find out who we're talking about. I mean, we don't even know where to find him. Elmo: How are we gonna find him? Cholla: Well it appears to me that there can't be too many guys driving around this valley with an ape.
Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [Philo takes Lynn back to her trailer after the attempt on them by Schuyler... Philo parks the truck and prepares to get out... Lynn stops him] Philo... I'm scared. Philo Beddoe: Don't worry... I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [crying] That's not what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid for Schuyler... please don't hurt him! Philo Beddoe: Well, that sonofabitch tried to blow my head off and he didn't even care that you were sitting next to me! Lynn Halsey-Taylor: That's just it! He was trying to scare you! He doesn't even know how to shoot! Philo Beddoe: I sure as hell don't like the way he's trying to find out!
Cholla: You Philo Beddoe? Philo Beddoe: Do I know you? Cholla: You're gonna
[Philo is sanding off a motorcycle when Ma taps him with her cane] Philo Beddoe: Cut it out, Clyde. [Ma hits him with the cane; Philo notices it's Ma] Philo Beddoe: Ma, what'd do that for? Ma Boggs: I've been trying to get your attention for five minutes. Did you see Orville? Philo Beddoe: Yeah, I've seen him. Ma Boggs: Well, Orville tell ya what? Philo Beddoe: Yeah, I'm sorry, Ma, about you missing your driver's test again. Ma Boggs: Oh, that ain't the "What" what I mean. Philo Beddoe: You mean Clyde? Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that too, Ma. He won't do it again, I promise you. Ma Boggs: Well, what are you gonna do about it? Philo Beddoe: What, the crap or the Oreos? Ma Boggs: About Clyde, goddamn it! I don't have no privacy in my own home no more. Philo Beddoe: Well I confronted about it, Ma, and I guarantee it won't happen again. Ma Boggs: [walks towards Clyde] No privacy in your own home. A whole goddamn bag of Oreos! [Clyde smooches Ma on the lips] Ma Boggs: [disgusted] Ohh! Stop that, ya goddamn baboon. No respect! No privacy! No nothing! [Philo walks up to Clyde, pointing an imaginary gun at him; Clyde, standing on a stump, raises his arms high] Philo Beddoe: Bang! [Clyde drops down on the stump]
Echo: [Echo has quit her job at the produce stand and joined Philo and Orville on their trip] Um, Orville? What did you say, anyway, that made that woman storm away like that? Orville Boggs: I told her you had the clap. [Echo looks at Philo, who smiles at the remark]
[LAPD Officers Herb & Putnam are at Santa Monica Beach with a metal detector] Putnam: This machine is very sensitive. Herb: What you think you can find out here? Putnam: You never know what you're gonna find out here. Just listen. It picks up all kinds of metal: Swiss watches, expensive foreign cameras, silver dollars. Gold, man! Herb: Gold? Putnam: Yeah.
[Philo, Orville, and Echo are at the El Patio Mexican Restaurant having their dinners] Echo: What are we supposed to do with all this stuff? Philo Beddoe: [pours beer in a glass] Eat it, all of it. Echo: All of it? Philo Beddoe: All of it. Echo: What if I can't? Orville Boggs: [jokes] Well, then we'll give it to Clyde. Philo Beddoe: Can you imagine what this stuff would do to Clyde's digestive track? Orville Boggs: Oh, no. Philo Beddoe: He already has enough gas to go to North Denver, and he's never seen a bean in his life. [Orville chuckles, then makes farting sounds] Orville Boggs: Say, when's your little lady coming here? Philo Beddoe: She should be along any time. [a couple of hours passed and it's closing time. Lynn never shows up, so Philo, Orville, and Echo, after 10 rounds of beer, decide to leave] Philo Beddoe: Come on, let's get outta here. Orville Boggs: [as they leave the restaurant] Well, listen, Philo, does that mean we're going back to L.A.? Philo Beddoe: Hell, no. But when I find her, I'm gonna take of that guy she's with... my way.
Cholla: [having seen enough of his gang getting clobbered at the diner] Spread out! [walks to his bike, under his breath] Cholla: Goddamn morphadites!
[after Philo defeats Kincaid in a bare-knuckle match, Kincaid's manager tries to stiff Orville] Orville Boggs: I think you owe us some money. Kincaid's Manager: What money? Orville Boggs: Now wait a minute... Kincaid's Manager: Now you ain't gonna tell all these boys that you're gonna take their money now, are ya? [Kincaid's manager laughs; Echo fires two rounds from her pistol] Echo: That was just so you know the first one was no accident. [the manager is forced by gunpoint to pay up Philo's winnings; the three leave the meathouse to continue their journey]
[Biker's Theme sax intro; Elmo enters the Widow compound] Cholla: You're late, pretty boy. I don't believe this. Frank: Damn, I've never knowed nobody who hit so hard or so fast. Elmo: Yeah. He could've been Denver Tank Murdock. Frank: That's right. Cholla: Sound like him? Dallas: Don't know. Didn't get to see him so close as Elmo. [Dallas and Woody laugh] Elmo: At least I didn't drop my bike and run. Frank: Yeah, like you two, goofy suckers! Cholla: [screams] Shut up! [the four quiets down] Cholla: Now is it bad enough that you let somebody else kick your butts without you trying to do it to each other? Now if we're all talking about the same man, and I think we are... it appears he's got a rather growing collection of our bikes. Frank: Yeah, but we don't know for sure if he took them or not. We were... Woody: Unconcious for two hours! [Dallas and Woody laughs again] Elmo: [yells] That's not true! Cholla: [screams] SHUT UP! [Cholla hits Elmo in the groin with his cane] Cholla: The very first thing we do is find out who we're talking about. I mean, we don't even know where to find him. Elmo: How are we gonna find him? Cholla: Well, it appears to me that there can't be too many guys driving around this valley with an ape.
[Putnam & Herb arrive at Ma's house; Putnam knocks on the screen door] Ma Boggs: Who is it? Putnam: Police. Ma Boggs: I'm coming. I'm coming, goddamn it! What do you want with an old lady? Putnam: Ma'am, we're looking for Philo Beddoe. Our records say he lives at this here address. Ma Boggs: Well, your records are wrong. He lives at that address in the back. What do you want him for? Putnam: Just lookin' for him, ma'am. Ma Boggs: Well, he don't live there anymore. He's gone off. Took that son-of-a-bitch Clyde with him. Putnam: Clyde? Ma Boggs: His ape! Herb: His ape? Ma Boggs: You heard me. What you making me repeat myself for? Herb: Do you know where he's gone? Ma Boggs: Oh, who gives a damn? Stealing all my Oreos, crapping all over the place. 12 ribs, my ass. Herb: Uh, thank you very much. Sorry to bother you, ma'am. Putnam: Good night, ma'am. Ma Boggs: Yeah, I'm sorry too. S-see, leave an old lady alone, fending for herself, no protection. You just don't see...
[At the fruit stand where Echo works and where Philo and Orville make a pit stop at] Lady Customer: Are these cantaloupes fresh? Echo: Yes. Lady Customer: Are they today's? Echo: Um, yes. They just came in. [Echo puts some tomatoes in a bag] Lady Customer: No, no, no. I only want a quarter of a pound. Echo: Oh, these only cost a quarter a pound. Lady Customer: [ennunciates] I only want a quarter of a pound of tomatoes! Echo: Yes, ma'am. Right. [Echo purposely knocks the bag of tomatoes to the ground] Lady Customer: [frustrated] Can I have a fresh bag now? [Echo suddenly is eyeing Orville] Lady Customer: I'll take these two cantaloupes. How much are they a pound? Echo: Oh, cantaloupes - 29 cents a pound. Lady Customer: I think they were cheaper down the road. I don't know you're so expensive here.
Herb: [to himself, about Putnam] My white boy's one crazy motherfucker!
Putnam: [Philo accidentally bumps into Putnam, seated at his table after getting the goodbye note from Lynn at The Palamino] Hey, why don't you watch what the hell you're doing? Philo Beddoe: Why don't you shut your face, boy? Putnam: [standing up] Oh, what have we got here? A real live, macho cowboy. [Philo turns to leave... Putnam grabs his arm] Putnam: Don't turn your back on me! [Philo punches him in the face and triggers a free-for-all brawl] Philo Beddoe: [punching Putnam] Somebody call the cops! Bartender: They ARE the cops! Philo Beddoe: [drops Putnam] Shit. [leaves]
Philo Beddoe: I'm not afraid of any man, but when it comes to sharing my feelings with a woman, my stomach turns to royal gelatin.
Tank Murdock: [upon seeing Philo's blood on his nose and lip after the confrontation with Lynn] Looks like you've had a go at it already. You sure that face won't hurt too much to fight? Philo Beddoe: I ain't gonna be hitting you with my face. Tank Murdock: [smiling kindly] That's funny. I like you. Don't worry kid, we're gonna get this over in a hurry and take care of you here. Where'd you hear of Tank Murdock before, kid? Philo Beddoe: All around? Tank Murdock: [smiling] Yeah? Philo Beddoe: They say you're the best. Tank Murdock: They do, huh? Well, let's get with it. [Tank beckons Philo to throw the first blow, which he does]
Philo Beddoe: [upon learning about Schuyler and Lynn] What do you do? You hustle for him? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [hissing] You're just not too smart, are you? Why did you have to come? Why couldn't you quit like everybody else? You had to come chasing me and spoil it all! Philo Beddoe: I guess I'm just not too smart, that's all. 'Cause up to now, I'm the only one dumb enough to want to take you further than your bed. Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [slaps him hard] I HATE YOU! [she slaps and punches him repeatedly] Lynn Halsey-Taylor: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! [she collapses and cries, falling to the pavement... Philo glares at Schuyler, who has one hand in his jacket pocket, and walks off]
[Herb is near the lake looking for his partner] Herb: Putnam! Big dumb galoot. Putnam, where are ya? Dummy. [the camera pans up to Philo, who is crouching on a pine branch. He then jumps right on Herb, blowing a few punches at him. Philo then victoriously raises his hands up and down repeatedly and make the famous "Tarzan Call", which can be heard throughout the entire lake, where Orville and Echo are fishing at] Echo: What was that? Orville Boggs: I think he's spending too much time with Clyde.
Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [kissing a man outside the Zanzibar after the show] Like me? [he kisses her] Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Want me? Harlan: Let's go. Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Harlan... I've got a friend. It's OK though. He won't mind. He might just want to come along. Harlan: [thinking for a moment] Let's go. [Lynn stops when she sees Philo standing in the shadows] Harlan: Is this your... Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [cutting him off] No. Harlan: You want to talk to him? Philo Beddoe: [to Harlan] The lady and I have a little business. I expect you'll be excusing us. Harlan: Maybe you ought to excuse yourself. Lynn Halsey-Taylor: It's OK, Harlan. I'll just be a minute. Harlan: Are you sure? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Yes. [Harlan walks off] Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [to Philo, coldly] It's your own goddamn fault. Who asked you to follow me? Philo Beddoe: [stunned] I just thought... Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [interrupting] You thought? If you'd thought, you would've taken some very broad hints! I've been trying to get rid of you practically ever since the first night we met! Philo Beddoe: What about Taos? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: What about it? [in disgust] Lynn Halsey-Taylor: I need it just like anybody else. Philo Beddoe: You do this all the time? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [sardonically] Yeah, I do this all the time! And you and me had our time! So how come you don't know when to disappear? Philo Beddoe: [she turns to leave... Philo grabs her arm] Come here. Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Take your hands off me! Schyler: [stepping from shadows] Lynn? Is everything all right? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: Schuyler, this is the one from L.A... the one who's been following me. The big dumb one I told you about. Philo Beddoe: Schuyler with the shotgun? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: That was MY idea. I was hoping he'd scare you away.
Philo Beddoe: [Philo and Lynn are riding in his truck] If you don't like him, they why do you stay with him? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: [talking while singing along with the radio] Because he promised to help me get the $7,000. Philo Beddoe: For what? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: For the down payment. Philo Beddoe: What do you want to buy? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: My own club back home in Denver. I'm going to call it the Lynn Halsey-Taylor Drinking Fountain. That's going to be the name of my group too, and I'll have talent night three days a week. Philo Beddoe: How much of the $7,000 do you have already? Lynn Halsey-Taylor: He won't tell me.
[At a campsite] Echo: Well, I don't suppose you know of a Ladies room hereabouts? Orville Boggs: There all over. Just pick one. [Echo heads for the nearest Ladies room] Orville Boggs: She's something, ain't she? Philo Beddoe: She sure is. You're full of all kinds of surprises these days. Orville Boggs: Well... Say... Listen, I wanna say that I appreciate your making her feel to home. [Echo screams] Orville Boggs, Philo Beddoe: Clyde. Echo: [freaked out] There's something out there. My God! It's horrible. It a monster! I've never see it. It's not even a bear! Orville Boggs: No, Echo, it's just... it's just Clyde. [Philo brings out Clyde the orangutan whilst Echo pulls out her .357 pistol] Orville Boggs: [stops her] Hey, Echo! Philo Beddoe: What are you doing with that? Jeez! Orville Boggs: [grabs the gun] Gimmie that! Philo Beddoe: Take it easy now. Take it easy! You're gonna scare him. Echo: Me? Scare him? Philo Beddoe: That's right. Let me introduce you. Echo, this is Clyde. Clyde, this is Echo. [Clyde grunts] Philo Beddoe: Echo. You get it? [Clyde grunts, then walk over to Echo to greet her witha hug; Echo calms down] Orville Boggs: It's okay. It's okay. See?
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