Seven segments related to one another only in that they all purport to be based on sections of the book by David Reuben. The segments range from "Do Aphrodisiacs Work?" in which a court ... See full summary¬†¬Ľ

The Fool: My father! You who died in childbirth!
The Fool: Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
Victor Shakapopulis: I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
The Operator: Think we're gonna have intercourse tonight?
The Fool: With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
The Operator: Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?
[Dr. Ross is in divorce court]
Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long?
Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife?
Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.
Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!
[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress]
The Fool: Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
Dr. Bernardo: In here I have twenty scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.
The Queen: Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?
[Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited]
Fabrizio: [romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...
[a long time later, Gina is still insensitive]
Fabrizio: [sleepily, in Italian] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...
[Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her]
Gina: [in Italian] Fabrizio, go easy on my hymen.
The Queen: Hark unto me! If my husband the King and my son the Doctor walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou saist about copping a feel, thy life would not be worth a plugged nickel!
The Fool: But Madam, so beautiful do they lay there, one on either side!
The Queen: 'One on either side'?
The Fool: A matched set!
The Queen: That's the way they were made, Fool! Away with thee!
[She storms away knocking the Fool over]
The Fool: I fell on my bells!
The Queen: Kiss me quick!
The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick?
Helen Lacey: You're insane!
Dr. Bernardo: That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once!
Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.
Woods County Sheriff: Only one thing bothers me, though. That was a single. You're sure that was a single, now?
Victor Shakapopulis: That was a single, yeah.
Woods County Sheriff: Yeah, well, they usually travel in pairs.
Woods County Sheriff: [on radio] Be on the look out for a large female breast.
Victor Shakapopulis: It's about a 4000 with an X-cup.
Woods County Sheriff: About a 4000 with an X-cup.
Gina: [in Italian] It was my first time. Did you like it?
Fabrizio: [in Italian] Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.
The Girl: For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmitive, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.
The Operator: I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.
The Girl: I'm a graduate of New York University.
The Operator: We're gonna make it.
The Operator: Attention gonads, we're going for seconds.
[the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom]
The King: [to the Queen] Come, give me a kiss.
The Fool: 'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.
The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.
Victor Shakapopulis: Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?
Dr. Bernardo: Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
Dr. Bernardo: Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...
[Victor makes hand gestures]
Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!
Victor Shakapopulis: Are we having dessert?
[Dr. Ross's wife has caught him in bed with a sheep wearing sexy black garters]
Mrs. Ross: [upset] How could you?
Dr Doug Ross: This is Mrs. Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep.
Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
Victor Shakapopulis: How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
Victor Shakapopulis: But why? What good will this do anybody?
Dr. Bernardo: It'll show those fools who called me mad!

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