A woman cons two old boyfriends into searching for her runaway son by convincing both that they are the boy's father.

Jack Lawrence: You're a tragic hero. You're Lou Gehrig.
Dale Putley: Who?
Jack Lawrence: Lou Gehrig. Everybody knows Lou Gehrig. The baseball player. He died of Lou Gehrig's Disease.
Dale Putley: Wow, what are the odds on that?
Dale Putley: For years I've thought about killing myself. It's the only thing that kept me going.
Scott: I stole that money.
Jack Lawrence: Okay.
Scott: From drug dealers.
Dale Putley: ARE YOU NUTS?
Jack Lawrence: Hey calm down! Take it easy! Scott just give it back to them.
Scott: I spent it.
Dale Putley: Calm down, take it easy. Scott, you can't run from these guys. They'll find you. They'll come to your house, take all your money and then beat the shit out of you. Happened to me a few times.
Dale Putley: How did you get her husband to talk?
Jack Lawrence: I head-butted him.
Dale Putley: How Joe Pesci of you. What are gonna do with her, run her tits through the Visa machine?
Jack Lawrence: What happened?
Dale Putley: He poured hot coffee all over my penis. Took my clothes and he ran away.
Jack Lawrence: Don't cry! Now where is he?
Dale Putley: I don't know.
Jack Lawrence: I don't like you.
Scott: Why are you doing this?
Jack Lawrence: We're your fathers.
Jack Lawrence: This kid is a major pain in the ass, he's so damn annoying.
Carrie: You don't like anything that's annoying.
Jack Lawrence: Who does?
Carrie: [serious] No, I mean that's a special thing for you.
Jack Lawrence: How about crying again? You know, it might reach her maternal... thing.
Dale Putley: Cry? Just like that?
Jack Lawrence: You cried when we missed the exit!
Dale Putley: Don't mock me.
Dale Putley: Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.
Lee: No, all we need is money, mate.
Rose: Where do you like to stay?
Jack Lawrence: My house, but it's in Los Angeles.
Dale Putley: $5,000 in cash. What is he doing with $5,000 in cash?
Jack Lawrence: He stole it.
Dale Putley: Why do you always jump to the worst possible conclusion?
Jack Lawrence: Okay, he won it in a hair-whirl contest.
Dale Putley: [singing] "Gray skies are gonna clear up, sit on a happy..."
[Dale, Jack and Scott are at jail. Jack is paying the fines]
Jack Lawrence: This is for my fine. This is for his fine. This is for the boy's fine. This is for getting the car out of the impound, and this is for the fabulous breakfast buffet we had this morning. Are eggs supposed to make noise when you eat them?
Desk Seargent: Very funny. Look, just stay out of trouble.
Dale Putley: See you next year at the reunion.
[In Dale's car driving slowly over the Golden Gate Bridge]
Jack Lawrence: Dale, I feel like I'm in a white Bronco.
Dale Putley: Sorry, I just get anxious driving over bridges.
Jack Lawrence: That's because you're going 20 miles per hour.
Dale Putley: I'm going 35 miles per hour, Jack!
Jack Lawrence: Yeah, I can feel the G-force.
Dale Putley: I wrote this musical called "Hello, Doctor, it's Still Swollen." It had a great opening, went like this: "Hello Mr. Colon, my prostate's feelin' swollen. I think that things are flowin' not so well."
[Knock on the door]
Dale Putley: Breakfast! "I'm feelin' kinda heinous cause there's something in my..."
Waiter: Morning!
Jack Lawrence: He was lying to me, but he made me feel good.
Carrie Lawrence: What do you mean he lied to you?
Jack Lawrence: Lied right to my face. Big-time lie.
Carrie Lawrence: How do you know?
Jack Lawrence: I'm a lawyer. People lie to me all the time.
Jack Lawrence: What do you do for a living?
Dale Putley: Uh, I teach English as a third language at the Jewish Community Center.
Scott: The money is safe. It's in a safe! It's at the hotel where I'm staying. I'll go get it.
Lee: Um, do I have 'asshole' tattooed on my forehead for something? I think we all better go get it, eh? Now Scott, you're not bullshitting us are you? Because if you're bullshitting us, I'm gonna kill you.
[Trying out different ways to greet his son]
Dale Putley: [as a hippie] Dude, I'm your old man. I suppose you're wondering why your middle name is Rainbow.
[as a thug]
Dale Putley: Yo son, what's up, homes?
[as a New Age adept]
Dale Putley: I am your father. Hug me, and let us join our spirits.
Dale Putley: Do you know who I am? I am the cowboy with the Village People, Bob, if I don't get back there, it's just gonna be "Y-M-_-A!"
Nikki: Well, Scotty, you're boring. I liked you for a while, but now I can't stand looking at you. Even your voice makes me sick.
Dale Putley: That was lovely.
Jack Lawrence: Yes, Hallmark is waiting for you.
Jack Lawrence: How long have you been driving?
Dale Putley: About 30 years now.
Jack Lawrence: Oh? Listen these things take time. Brake! Brake!
[the front tires run right over the parking block]
Jack Lawrence: Perfect.
Dale Putley: Jack, look at this.
Jack Lawrence: It's money. I remember it from when I was single.
Dale Putley: I'm an actor. A writer at large. I produce plays, things from my soul. But it's avant-garde, very experimental.
Jack Lawrence: You mean with guinea pigs?
Dale Putley: Do you have a boyfriend?
Woman with broken car: No!
Dale Putley: Good! Me neither!
Jack Lawrence: You know what? Take my car.
Dale Putley: You're giving me your car, Jack? That's so Elvis of you.
Jack Lawrence: Not to keep. To take the airport. I'll have one of my interns pick it up in the morning.
Dale Putley: You want me driving your car?
Jack Lawrence: It's just a thing. It's a priceless, irreplaceable thing.
Dale Putley: [Screeches to a halt all of a sudden] Could you see if there's someone lying in the road?
Jack Lawrence: [Looks back] No, nothing there.
Dale Putley: There's not a body lying in the road?
Jack Lawrence: A what?
Dale Putley: A body.
Jack Lawrence: [Gets out of the car and looks all around. The car had stopped on a country road in the middle of nowhere] No, nobody there.
Dale Putley: I often think that I've run someone over.
Dale Putley: [Rehearsing his introduction to Scott] You know, Scott, when I was your age I was pulling on myself harder than a tractor pulling Arkansas.
Scott: I feel like such a loser.
Dale Putley: Come on, Scott, you're still young! Being a true loser takes years of ineptitude.
Dale Putley: Come on Jack
Jack Lawrence: Whoa, where are you going?
Dale Putley: Kick some ass

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