Fletch Lives Quotes
Fletch is a reporter for a Los Angeles newspaper, but he acts more like a detective. When an obscure relative leaves him a Louisiana mansion in his will, Fletch is naturally curious. ... See full summary »
Bly Guard: [Seeing Fletch walk by in an all white suit, with a limp] This is a secure area!
Fletch: Well I'm very happy for ya, most people live in terrible neighborhoods.
Fletch: Are you the head honcho?
Bly Manager: That's right sir, Headly Dan Duke, and what seems to be your problem.
Fletch: The problem IS I agreed to take a shit load of that blue bird crap of your hands and it ain't come yet!
Bly Manager: I'm very sorry sir, and you are...?
Fletch: I ARE PISSED!
[reaches into his white jacket pocket and begins to pull out a fake invoice]
Fletch: Some damn fool told me it was on back order and I'd have to wait!
[puts fake invoice directly in front of the managers face]
Fletch: Who's signature is this? Who signed that?
Bly Manager: [attempting to read something less than 1 inch in front of his face] Well, I can't seem to ah...
Fletch: [Fletch ripping the fake invoice from his hand] Well that's the trouble. It's typical of a large corporation.
[stuffs the fake invoice back into his jacket]
Fletch: Lack of communication and that's why I like to keep Everest small.
Bly Manager: OH your from Everest?
Fletch: Now you're talkin!
[expresses his dumbfounded look knowing he just sold the manager on the biggest and stupidest scam]
Fletch: Elmer Gantry! Elmer Fudd Gantry.
Bly Manager: Well, Mr Gantry I'm not sure there's anything I can do, uh...
Fletch: Well you could pull my file instead of standing there pulling your pud!
Bly Manager: [leans over to the assistant] Pull the Everest file.
[Fletch limps away at this point]
Fletch: [Fletch begins walking towards the shipping containers as a crash is heard and a man screams OOWWWWW. Mr Duke follows him] I apologize for my benecosity. I've had a hernia operation. Is that the stuff I was supposed to get?
Bly Manager: Yes sir.
Fletch: Why are they wearing those funny suits?
Bly Manager: Well, there protective as you know that's a very corrosive bi-product they're handling.
Fletch: Oh yeah. I guess if they didn't wear those suites those boys would be so full of wholes they'd whistle when they walked! Hahahahaahahah, ow!
Bly Manager: [laughs with Fletch until he cringes] What's that...
Fletch: Awe, i've been spittin up blood, pissing blood, bleedin. Go through five of these suits a day.
Bly Manager: [Receives the Everest file from the assistant] Well, it seems you have your facts wrong Mr. Gantry. Your company is supposed to get 1,500 gallons. Destination some place called Belle Isle in Louisiana. Signed for by an officer of your company and due the 23rd. So we're right, and you're wrong.
Fletch: [rips a page from the Everest file] Let me see that! It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.
[folds the page and puts it in his jacket]
Fletch: . I am NOT a big man.
Fletch: Well I'm very happy for ya, most people live in terrible neighborhoods.
Fletch: Are you the head honcho?
Bly Manager: That's right sir, Headly Dan Duke, and what seems to be your problem.
Fletch: The problem IS I agreed to take a shit load of that blue bird crap of your hands and it ain't come yet!
Bly Manager: I'm very sorry sir, and you are...?
Fletch: I ARE PISSED!
[reaches into his white jacket pocket and begins to pull out a fake invoice]
Fletch: Some damn fool told me it was on back order and I'd have to wait!
[puts fake invoice directly in front of the managers face]
Fletch: Who's signature is this? Who signed that?
Bly Manager: [attempting to read something less than 1 inch in front of his face] Well, I can't seem to ah...
Fletch: [Fletch ripping the fake invoice from his hand] Well that's the trouble. It's typical of a large corporation.
[stuffs the fake invoice back into his jacket]
Fletch: Lack of communication and that's why I like to keep Everest small.
Bly Manager: OH your from Everest?
Fletch: Now you're talkin!
[expresses his dumbfounded look knowing he just sold the manager on the biggest and stupidest scam]
Fletch: Elmer Gantry! Elmer Fudd Gantry.
Bly Manager: Well, Mr Gantry I'm not sure there's anything I can do, uh...
Fletch: Well you could pull my file instead of standing there pulling your pud!
Bly Manager: [leans over to the assistant] Pull the Everest file.
[Fletch limps away at this point]
Fletch: [Fletch begins walking towards the shipping containers as a crash is heard and a man screams OOWWWWW. Mr Duke follows him] I apologize for my benecosity. I've had a hernia operation. Is that the stuff I was supposed to get?
Bly Manager: Yes sir.
Fletch: Why are they wearing those funny suits?
Bly Manager: Well, there protective as you know that's a very corrosive bi-product they're handling.
Fletch: Oh yeah. I guess if they didn't wear those suites those boys would be so full of wholes they'd whistle when they walked! Hahahahaahahah, ow!
Bly Manager: [laughs with Fletch until he cringes] What's that...
Fletch: Awe, i've been spittin up blood, pissing blood, bleedin. Go through five of these suits a day.
Bly Manager: [Receives the Everest file from the assistant] Well, it seems you have your facts wrong Mr. Gantry. Your company is supposed to get 1,500 gallons. Destination some place called Belle Isle in Louisiana. Signed for by an officer of your company and due the 23rd. So we're right, and you're wrong.
Fletch: [rips a page from the Everest file] Let me see that! It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.
[folds the page and puts it in his jacket]
Fletch: . I am NOT a big man.
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: Irwin, admit that you are a sinner.
Fletch: Uh. Well, I've sinned. I didn't take any Polaroids or anything. But, yeah, I've sinned.
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: The Lord forgives ya!
Fletch: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Amen. What? Other sins? Uh, I parked in a handicap spot on my way up here. Actually, on a handicap person. I told him I'd be back in five minutes, so that's not such a big deal.
Fletch: Uh. Well, I've sinned. I didn't take any Polaroids or anything. But, yeah, I've sinned.
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: The Lord forgives ya!
Fletch: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Amen. What? Other sins? Uh, I parked in a handicap spot on my way up here. Actually, on a handicap person. I told him I'd be back in five minutes, so that's not such a big deal.
Calculus Entropy: Should I be doing anything?
Fletch: No, not really, um... as soon as you get that trunk upstairs and have finished your nap I guess you could fix that step and jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton. And while I'm gone see to it Miss Scarlet stays away from the Union army will you?
Fletch: No, not really, um... as soon as you get that trunk upstairs and have finished your nap I guess you could fix that step and jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton. And while I'm gone see to it Miss Scarlet stays away from the Union army will you?
Man: Uh and you are...
Fletch: I'm Claude Henry Carlton Smoot
Man: Ca... ca... ca...
Fletch: Claaaauuuuude Henry
Man: Ca... ca... Carl...
Fletch: Claude or Carl
Man: Carl...
Fletch: Smoot. Smoot. S-M-M-O-T-T. I'm sorry 2 O's, 1 T.
Man: Smmoot.
Fletch: I'm a guest healer.
Man: ...a guest healer...
Fletch: [puts his hand on the man's forehead and presses forward] Healed!
[laughs]
Fletch: I'm Claude Henry Carlton Smoot
Man: Ca... ca... ca...
Fletch: Claaaauuuuude Henry
Man: Ca... ca... Carl...
Fletch: Claude or Carl
Man: Carl...
Fletch: Smoot. Smoot. S-M-M-O-T-T. I'm sorry 2 O's, 1 T.
Man: Smmoot.
Fletch: I'm a guest healer.
Man: ...a guest healer...
Fletch: [puts his hand on the man's forehead and presses forward] Healed!
[laughs]
[Fletch, dressed as a nerdy businessman, has walked into a biker bar]
Fletch: Name's Ed... Ed Harley.
Joe Jack: Ed... you sure you're in the right place?
Fletch: I think so!
Joe Jack: [mocking] Think so!
[all laugh]
Joe Jack: Ed...
[frowning]
Joe Jack: what are you doing in here?
Fletch: I'll give you a hint... Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
[all stare]
Fletch: You don't get it?
Joe Jack: [grabs Fletch] No, Ed... you're the one that doesn't get it.
Fletch: Ed HARLEY. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles!
Joe Jack: [shocked] You own the company?
Fletch: Well, my granddaddy started it, then my daddy screwed Davidson out of his half, and now I own the whole thing.
Joe Jack: [really shocked] Harley-Davidson, no shit?
Fletch: No shit!
Joe Jack: [smiling broadly] Hey, everybody! Ed the Third here owns Harley-Davidson! We're the Nazis from Natchez!
[all cheer, embrace Fletch]
Fletch: Name's Ed... Ed Harley.
Joe Jack: Ed... you sure you're in the right place?
Fletch: I think so!
Joe Jack: [mocking] Think so!
[all laugh]
Joe Jack: Ed...
[frowning]
Joe Jack: what are you doing in here?
Fletch: I'll give you a hint... Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
[all stare]
Fletch: You don't get it?
Joe Jack: [grabs Fletch] No, Ed... you're the one that doesn't get it.
Fletch: Ed HARLEY. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles!
Joe Jack: [shocked] You own the company?
Fletch: Well, my granddaddy started it, then my daddy screwed Davidson out of his half, and now I own the whole thing.
Joe Jack: [really shocked] Harley-Davidson, no shit?
Fletch: No shit!
Joe Jack: [smiling broadly] Hey, everybody! Ed the Third here owns Harley-Davidson! We're the Nazis from Natchez!
[all cheer, embrace Fletch]
Calculus Entropy: Our families go back for hundreds of years - your great-grandparents owned my great-grandparents and that's how it all started.
Fletch: You ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
Calculus Entropy: Well I heard something about it, but I don't recall exactly. It didn't get too much publicity around these here parts.
Fletch: I'll bet.
Fletch: You ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
Calculus Entropy: Well I heard something about it, but I don't recall exactly. It didn't get too much publicity around these here parts.
Fletch: I'll bet.
Fletch: Bobby Ross?
Man on Computer: Huh?
Fletch: Peter Lemonjello. Your house is on fire.
Man on Computer: What?
Fletch: They called and told me to tell you your house is on fire. I'm here to take over.
Man on Computer: Well God bless you!
[man hurries out of the computer room]
Fletch: [as man is leaving] And god bless you for believing that shit.
Man on Computer: Huh?
Fletch: Peter Lemonjello. Your house is on fire.
Man on Computer: What?
Fletch: They called and told me to tell you your house is on fire. I'm here to take over.
Man on Computer: Well God bless you!
[man hurries out of the computer room]
Fletch: [as man is leaving] And god bless you for believing that shit.
