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The alumni cast of a space opera television series have to play their roles as the real thing when an alien race needs their help.
Sir Alexander Dane: By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Worvan, you shall be avenged.
Gwen DeMarco: Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy.
Sir Alexander Dane: [In disgust] By Grabthar's hammer... what a savings.
Jason Nesmith: Never give up. Never surrender.
Guy Fleegman: Did you guys ever WATCH the show?
[Quellek has been shot, and is dying. Alexander rushes to him] Sir Alexander Dane: Quellek? [sees Quellek's wound] Sir Alexander Dane: That's not too bad. We'll get you to the medical quarters, and you'll be fine. Quellek: It has been my greatest pleasure to serve with you. I have been blessed, Sir. I... I... I... Sir Alexander Dane: Don't speak, Quellek. Quellek: You'll forgive my impertinence, Sir, but even though we have never before met, I have always considered you as a father to me. Sir Alexander Dane: Quellek... by Grabthar's hammer... by the Suns of Worvan... you shall be... avenged.
[the crew is on a shuttle descending to an alien planet] Guy Fleegman: I changed my mind. I wanna go back. Sir Alexander Dane: After the fuss you made about getting left behind? Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship, and something is up there, and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet. Jason Nesmith: You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy. Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name? Jason Nesmith: It's, uh, uh - -I don't know. Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. Do you know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in. Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name. Guy Fleegman: DO I? DO I? For all you know, I'm "Crewman Number Six"! Mommy... mommy... Sir Alexander Dane: Are we there yet?
Sir Alexander Dane: Could they be the miners? Fred Kwan: Sure, they're like three years old. Sir Alexander Dane: MINERS, not MINORS. Fred Kwan: You lost me.
Sir Alexander Dane: I see you've managed to get your shirt off.
Guy Fleegman: I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm just "Crewman Number Six." I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is. I've gotta get outta here.
Gwen DeMarco: Whoever wrote this episode should DIE.
Voice of Computer: Negative, there is no replacement Beryllium Sphere on board. Gwen DeMarco: [to crew] No, there is no replacement Beryllium Sphere on board. Tommy Webber: You know, that is really getting annoying! Gwen DeMarco: [shouts] Look! I have one job on this lousy ship, it's *stupid*, but I'm gonna do it! Okay? Tommy Webber: Sure, no problem.
Sir Alexander Dane: You're just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation? Jason Nesmith: It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation. Sir Alexander Dane: See, that's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.
[Reading a tactical display] Guy Fleegman: Hey guys, there's a red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy. Jason Nesmith: What? Guy Fleegman: Red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy. I think we're the green-thingy.
Brandon Wheeger: I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said. Jason Nesmith: It's okay, now listen... Brandon Wheeger: But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that it's just a TV show. I know there's no beryllium sphere... Jason Nesmith: Hold it. Brandon Wheeger: no digital conveyor, no ship... Jason Nesmith: Stop for a second, stop. It's all real. Brandon Wheeger: Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!
[the rock monster chases Nesmith] Alexander Dane: You're just going to have to kill it. Jason Nesmith: Kill it? Well, I'm open to any suggestions. Tommy Webber: Go for the eyes, like in episode 22! Jason Nesmith: He doesn't have any eyes, Tommy! Tommy Webber: Go for the mouth, then, the throat, his vulnerable spots! Jason Nesmith: It's a rock! It doesn't have any vulnerable spots! Guy Fleegman: I know! You construct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
[Fred tries to digitize the pig-lizard with disastrous results] Jason Nesmith: What? What was that? Alexander Dane: Uh, nothing. Jason Nesmith: I heard some squealing or something. Gwen DeMarco: Oh, no. Everything's fine. Teb: But the animal is inside out. Jason Nesmith: I heard that! It turned inside out? [the pig-lizard explodes] Teb: And it exploded. Jason Nesmith: Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it EXPLODED?
Gwen DeMarco: Alex, where are you going? Sir Alexander Dane: To see if there's a pub.
[Fred and Larali start to passionately kiss] Guy Fleegman: [Turns away, embarrassed] Hey... Get a room guys. [Larali's alien tentacles start to slide up Fred's back and over his shoulder] Guy Fleegman: Woah! [Fred looks down at the tentacles, his eyes roll back, and he starts kissing again] Guy Fleegman: Heh, C'mon Fred. [Fred and Larali drop to the floor and out of sight. A high pitched squishing sound is heard] Guy Fleegman: Oh *that's* not right! No...
[Trying to explain TV to the Thermians] Gwen DeMarco: They're not ALL "historical documents." Surely, you don't think Gilligan's Island is a... [All the Thermians moan in despair] Mathesar: Those poor people.
Sir Alexander Dane: I played Richard III. Fred Kwan: Five curtain calls... Sir Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me! I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time.
Guy Fleegman: I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm gonna die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward. Fred Kwan: Guy, Guy... maybe you're the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that? Guy Fleegman: Plucky?
Sir Alexander Dane: You don't hold the turbo down, it's for quick boosts! Jason Nesmith: Oh, like you know!
Jason Nesmith: You WILL go out there. Sir Alexander Dane: I won't and nothing you say will make me. Jason Nesmith: The show must go on. Sir Alexander Dane: ...Damn you.
[On traveling through space in a pod] Fred Kwan: That was a hell of a thing.
[Gwen and Jason encounter the chompers] Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn't have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here? Jason Nesmith: 'Cause it's on the television show. Gwen DeMarco: Well forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written!
Fred Kwan: Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that, the reactors won't take it; the ship is breaking apart and all that... Just FYI.
[after the Blue Creatures have eaten Limpy] Jason Nesmith: Ok, here's the plan: first, Fred, we need a diversion to clear these things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back Tommy, give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter. Gwen DeMarco: Why does this sound so familiar? Tommy Webber: "Assault on Voltarek III". Episode 81 I think. Guy Fleegman: We're doing episode 81? Tommy Webber: Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire. Gwen DeMarco: How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram? Guy Fleegman: We're doing episode 81, Jason? Jason Nesmith: It doesn't have to be a hologram, just a diversion. Guy Fleegman: Jason, are we doing episode 81 or not? Jason Nesmith: It's a rough plan, Guy, what does it matter if we're doing episode 81 or not? Guy Fleegman: BECAUSE I DIED... IN EPISODE 81!
[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar he's an actor on a TV show] Jason Nesmith: I'm not a commander. There's no "National Space Exploration Administration." We don't have a ship. Mathesar: [looking at TV screen] But there it is... Jason Nesmith: [gesturing with his fingers] The ship is that big. Mathesar: But inside, I see many rooms. Jason Nesmith: You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is... is wire with plaster around it. And our digital conveyor is... it's Christmas tree lights. It's a decoration. It's all fake. Just like me. Mathesar: But why...? Jason Nesmith: It's difficult to explain. On our planet, we, uh... we pretend to... to entertain. Mathesar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.
Guy Fleegman: I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Gwen DeMarco: They are *so* cute. Guy Fleegman: Sure, they're cute now, but in a second they're gonna get mean, and they're gonna get ugly somehow, and there's gonna be a million more of them.
Brandon's Mom: Where are you going with all those fireworks? Brandon: Well, the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole, and it, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach 15, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable, obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation. Brandon's Mom: Uh, all right, dinner's at seven. [Brandon exits. Mom turns to a dubious Dad] Brandon's Mom: Well, he's outside.
Jason Nesmith: Hi! What's up with her, doesn't she talk? Quellek: Her translator is broken. Laliari: Yalalalala! Jason Nesmith: Okey dokey.
Sarris: [Sarris believes that Nesmith plans to ram his ship] Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake. Jason Nesmith: Well, let me tell you something, Sarris: It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating. Sarris: You fool! You failed to realize that, with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper. Jason Nesmith: And what you fail to realize is my ship... is dragging mines!
[after fake fighting] Jason Nesmith: You used to pull your punches. Sir Alexander Dane: It's "Scene-Stealing Hack," thank you. Jason Nesmith: "Raving Egomaniac"? Sir Alexander Dane: Can't think where I got THAT from.
Jason Nesmith: Okay Gwen, put me back on with him. Gwen DeMarco: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Jason. You ARE back with him. Sarris: Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, commander! Jason Nesmith: [to Gwen] I gave you the 'kill' gesture. Gwen DeMarco: No, you gave me the 'we're dead' signal. I was agreeing with you. Like I know where the 'hold' button is.
Fred Kwan: It's the simple things in life you treasure.
Gwen DeMarco: Fred, you had a part people loved. I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my BOOBS and how they fit into my suit. No one bothered to ask me what I do on the show. Fred Kwan: You were... the umm, wait a minute, I'll think of it... Gwen DeMarco: I repeated the computer, Fred.
Guy Fleegman: HEY! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air? You don't know! [Guy holds his breath. Kwan sniffs the air and shrugs] Fred Kwan: Seems okay.
Sir Alexander Dane: Where's the happy ending, Jason? "Never give up, never surrender?" Jason Nesmith: [Using the opportunity to provoke a fake fight] Maybe it's about time you just backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity. Sir Alexander Dane: You what? Jason Nesmith: You're starting to act just like to did in Episode 17, you scene-stealing hack! Sir Alexander Dane: [Finally catching on] Oh! Right! Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You've murdered us all! Jason Nesmith: Shut up. Sir Alexander Dane: Hundreds to die, just because of you! Jason Nesmith: I told you to shut up! [They are both shoved into an air lock] Sir Alexander Dane: Hundreds to die, just because you want to play at being commander, you raving lunatic. [They begin shoving each other] Jason Nesmith: Then I'll see you in Hell, won't I? [They begin punching each other. Alexander motions Jason towards a metal rod. Jason swings at him, Alexander ducks, and Jason knocks out one of the guards. They rush the others]
Gwen DeMarco: [after going through the chompers] Whoever wrote this episode should die!
[They're flying through a mine field in an attempt to shake off Sarris] Sir Alexander Dane: Could you possibly try NOT to hit EVERY SINGLE ONE?
Sir Alexander Dane: [Indicated Jason] Need I remind you that this man is wearing a costume, not a uniform. He's no more qualified to lead us than [indicating Guy] Sir Alexander Dane: ... this fellow... No offense...
Jason Nesmith: Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack? [Alex hides his face in despair] Jason Nesmith: Apparently not.
[Introducing Guy at the convention] Announcer: It's... another ship mate!
Jason Nesmith: I got to fight this guy named Sarris, and I kicked his ass!
Sir Alexander Dane: [Guy is grinning at Alex] What? Guy Fleegman: I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man.
Jason Nesmith: All right, let's settle down. If we're going to get through this we're going to need self control. Gwen DeMarco: Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Terrakian slave girl and Moon Princess on the show.
[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar he's an actor on a TV show] Jason Nesmith: Mathesar, there's no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors. Sarris: He doesn't understand. Explain as you would a child. Jason Nesmith: We, uh, we pretended. [On Malthesar's blank look] Jason Nesmith: We lied.
Mathesar: We were hoping you could come with us. Our people have no commander. Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: Mathesar, I think your people have a great commander, sir. [salutes him]
Jason Nesmith: Crewman Madison, the mist of this strange planet is filing my head with such thoughts... Gwen DeMarco: [pushing him away] It was cute when I didn't know you.
Jason Nesmith: You guys came. Who wants the grand tour? [Guy screams] Jason Nesmith: Anybody else?
Jason Nesmith: Remember yesterday at the convention, those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens! They were termites or... or dalmations. I can't really remember cause I was kinda hungover.
[On the Thermians' worship of the egotistical Jason Nesmith] Sir Alexander Dane: It's like throwing gasoline on a flame.
Jason Nesmith: [to Sarris on viewscreen] Hello, Sarris. How you doing? Sarris: Better than my lieutenant. [holds up a severed head on a stick]
Gwen DeMarco: Ducts? Why is it always ducts?
Sir Alexander Dane: [Looking out of the shuttle-craft window; Taggart has heroically stayed on the planet to draw off the Berillium-Sphere Mine Denizens] Oh, of course! IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, ISN'T IT?
Fred Kwan: Wow, the floors are so clean.
Fred Kwan: Hey, Commander. Listen, we found some beryllium on a nearby planet. And we might be able to get there if we reconfigure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What'd'ya think? Jason Nesmith: We'll do that! Guy Fleegman: All right! Fred Kwan: [to his engineering team] That's right again. That's... come on, group hug.
Gwen DeMarco: Does the rolling *help*? Jason Nesmith: Yes, it helps.
Jason Nesmith: There is no "quantum flux". There's no "auxiliary". THERE'S NO GODDAMNED SHIP. You got it?
[On Jason] Gwen DeMarco: You've gotta admit, they really do love him. Tommy Webber: Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.
Tommy Webber: You know, with all that makeup and stuff, I actually thought you were SMART for a second.
[as Jason is mooning them, looking for his shoes] Mathesar: Commander, standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes. Jason Nesmith: Thanks, I really appreciate it... Could you guys look for another shoe?
Jason Nesmith: Give me any kind of signal. Tommy Webber: I'll do this: [cups hands] Tommy Webber: CAW! CAW! Jason Nesmith: What are you, an infant? We have *these*! [Jason holds up a communicator in front of Tommy] Tommy Webber: I was just... sorry...
Gwen DeMarco: [after Jason leaves for the ship] Wait! We want to go, too. Laliari: You all wish to go to the ship? Gwen DeMarco: Yes, we wish to go to the ship. See we work together or not at all! Laliari: Wonderful. The captain had me continue transmission in case you changed your minds. [speaking into her vox] Laliari: Protector, requesting four pods... Guy Fleegman: [Interrupts] Oh, me too! Laliari: Five pods for immediate departure. Gwen DeMarco: [after the pods appear on the ground] Guys... Guys? Laliari: I look forward to meeting you all in person. End transmission. [bows to the crew members and disappears]
Jason Nesmith: As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be there. This fine ship, this fine crew. Never give up... and never surrender.
Jason Nesmith: She's not a fan! This is a... this is a termite!
Sir Alexander Dane: You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship.
[Jason is impressed by the Thermian ship's bridge] Jason Nesmith: This is great. Usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage.
Teb: Are you enjoying your Kep-mok blood ticks, Dr. Lazarus? Sir Alexander Dane: [disgusted] Just like mother used to make. Sir Alexander Dane: [Blood tick jump off his spoon and splashes down into the bowl of tentacles. Alexander puts his head in his hands and sighs]
Jason Nesmith: You know, you're starting to act a lot like you did in episode 17. Sir Alexander Dane: [thinks a moment] Ooohhh. Right!
Teb: [after Alexander and Quellek open the door to the barracks] We're saved! He saved us! Commander Taggart has saved us! the Thermian crew in the barracks: [cheering together] Hurrah! Commander Taggart! Sir Alexander Dane: It's just not fair.
[Introducing Alex at the convention] Announcer: Give him a hand, he's British.
Jason Nesmith: [to Sarris about the Omega 13] You know? OK! Gosh darn it, I give up! It's yours, you can have it. You have to give me a minute to put it in a box for ya. OK?
Sir Alexander Dane: Where's the happy ending, Jason? "Never give up, never surrender"?
Gwen DeMarco: [after seeing the chompers] Well, screw *that*!
Gwen DeMarco: [backstage at the convention] I mean, this is unreal. They're gonna start eating each other out there.
[Klaxon sounding] Gwen DeMarco: I remember that sound. That's a bad sound.
[after blowing two of Sarris' men out the airlock] Fred Kwan: Sorry, I was - door was a little sticky. Did you see that? I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.
Mathesar: We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favorite among the adventurous.
[first lines] Laredo: Exiting the time knot now, Sir. Tech Sgt. Chen: We're alive. Laredo: We made it, Commander. We made it. Dr. Lazarus: By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale. Voice of Computer: Systems registering functional. Lt. Tawny Madison: All systems are working, Commander. Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: I don't like it. It was too easy. Laredo: Wait. Oh, no! They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere. Lt. Tawny Madison: A trap! Dr. Lazarus: We're surrounded, Commander. [crew screaming as the ship is hit] Tech Sgt. Chen: It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped. Dr. Lazarus: Surrender may be our only option. Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: No! Never give up, never surrender. Laredo: Your orders, sir? [pause] Laredo: Sir, your orders? Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: Activate the Omega 13. [?to be continued? appears on the screen]
Quellek: I avoided capture by using your Mak'tar stealth haze.
Quellek: By Grabthar's hammer, Dr. Lazarus... Sir Alexander Dane: [Interrupts] Don't do that! I'm not kidding.
Gwen DeMarco: Jason, we are actors, not astronauts.
[last lines] Announcer: And now, back again after 18 years: The New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.
Jason Nesmith: Okey dokey, Okey dokey. Lets fire blue particle cannons full, red particle cannons full, gannet magnets fire them left and right, and let 'em run all chutes. And while you're at it, why don't ya toss that at 'em killer [tossing empty Coke can to gunner] Jason Nesmith: That should take care of old lobster head shouldn't it?
Jason Nesmith: You know, what I could really use here is a cup holder and a couple of Advil.
Sarris: How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.
Jason Nesmith: This is like... corn fed Iowa beef!
Sarris: Release them... Into space.
Jason Nesmith: I'm not the commander! Sarris: What did you say? Jason Nesmith: I said I'm not the commander. Sarris: Explain.
Fred Kwan: [Trying to work the matter-transmitter] So what do we test it on? Tommy Webber: [Sees Taggart, on the monitor, grappling with Grignak on the Berillium-Sphere planet] How about that Pig-Lizard?
Jason Nesmith: I'm going to rest my eyes for a moment. But go on. I am listening...
Quellek: [to Dane] You're alive! Thank Ipthar!
Gwen DeMarco: No, the Commander and I never had a... thing. Jason Nesmith: Well, that's HER story.
Gwen DeMarco: [On the phone] I've never seen him do that before, not to a fan. Sir Alexander Dane: Gwen, it's like I've always said [Dane is alone in his apartment, still wearing his latex Alien Scalp] Sir Alexander Dane: . He's maladjusted.
Tommy Webber: You were holding it upside down Sir Alexander Dane: Shut up.
Voice of Computer: Enemy is matching velocity. Gwen DeMarco: The enemy is matching velocity. Sir Alexander Dane: We heard it the first time. Gwen DeMarco: Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer.
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