A quietly troubled young man returns home for his mother's funeral after being estranged from his family for a decade.

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
Sam: [cuddles up to Andrew] Maybe.
Sam: If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.
Andrew Largeman: Fuck, this hurts so much.
Sam: I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.
Sam: You don't realize, this is good, this doesn't happen often in your life. We can work this stuff out. I want to help you, you know? We need each other...
Andrew Largeman: This isn't a conversation about this being over, it's, it's... I'm not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I'm putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I'm- I'm- I'm worried that if I don't figure myself out, if I don't go like land on my own two feet, then I'm just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go... you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go.
Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Sam: I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.
Sam: He's protecting me.
Andrew Largeman: So?
Sam: He *likes* me!
Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.
Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?
Andrew Largeman: You changed my life. You changed my life, and I've known you four days. This is the start of something really big, but right now, I gotta go.
[Last lines]
Sam: What are you doing?
Andrew Largeman: Remember that idea I had, about working stuff out on my own, and then finding you once I worked stuff out?
Sam: The ellipsis?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah, the ellipsis, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?
Sam: Yeah. Yes!
Andrew Largeman: So what do we do? What do we do?
Andrew Largeman: I was the reason she was in a wheelchair. I pushed her. So there that is.
Sam: Shut up.
Mark: Fuck off.
Andrew Largeman: No, that's the truth.
Sam: Why?
Andrew Largeman: It was a complete freak accident, you know? It's one of those things you replay a million times in your head and you see how clearly it was just a complete freak thing. My whole life she was depressed for no reason and, you know, one day... I was a little kid. I was nine years old and I just hated her for that. And I pushed her. And it was innocent! I was just completely frustrated because.
Sam: [interrupts] Because you couldn't make her happy?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah! Fuck yeah. And any other time, you know, any other day she would have just yelled at me and sent me to my room but this day. On this particular day the door of the dishwasher had fallen open. The latch was broken and it would just randomly fall open. That fucking latch. It's really amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic.
Andrew Largeman: So anyway, she fell back over the door and hit her neck on the kitchen counter paralyzing her from the waist down.
Sam: Wow.
Andrew Largeman: Still want to compare fucked up families?
Sam: If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like.
Andrew Largeman: All right, so what are we laughing at you about?
Sam: I lied again... I have epilepsy.
Andrew Largeman: Which part are we laughing about?
Sam: had a seizure at the law office where I work, and they told me their insurance wouldn't cover me unless I wore preventative covering.
Andrew Largeman: What's preventative covering?
Sam: The helmet I was wearing... Oh come on, that's funny. That's really funny, I mean I'm the only person who wears a helmet to work who isn't putting out fires or racing for NASCAR. But what do you do, I can't quit... their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.
Andrew Largeman: Hey Albert
Albert: Yeah?
Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too
Sam: Hey, I recognize you.
Andrew Largeman: Oh, did you go to Columbia High?
Sam: No, not from high school, from TV. Didn't you play the retarded quarterback?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah.
Sam: Are you really retarded?
Andrew Largeman: No.
Sam: Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you're better than that Corky kid and he's actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!
Andrew Largeman: You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love.
Andrew Largeman: That actually made me sadder than anything: the fact that I felt so numb.
Sam: That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.
Sam: What's the word that's burning in your heart?
Mark: So this is it...
Andrew Largeman: So knock... knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards.
Mark: Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.
Sam: How are you feelin'?
Andrew Largeman: Safe. When I'm with you I feel so safe. Like I'm home.
Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it.
Dr. Cohen: You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. Uh, I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half. For example.
Andrew Largeman: Wow. Um, but I don't really think that's it...
[last lines]
Andrew Largeman: So what do we do? What do we do?
Andrew Largeman: I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain.
Gideon Largeman: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?
Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.
Andrew Largeman: Let's just talk about good stuff.
Sam: Good stuff?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?
Sam: I got a little buzz. I got that.
Sam: What you got?
Andrew Largeman: I got a little buzz going
Andrew Largeman: and I like you.
[Sam, embarassed, giggles]
Andrew Largeman: So there's that. I guess I have that.
Sam: I can tap-dance. You wanna see me tap-dance?
Andrew Largeman: I would love to see you tap-dance.
Sam: I haven't even lied in like two days.
Andrew Largeman: Is that true?
Sam: No.
Sam: You gotta hear this one song, it'll change your life I swear.
Aunt Sylvia Largeman: I made you something. It's a shirt.
Andrew Largeman: Thats... That's good, thank you.
Aunt Sylvia Largeman: Will you try it on now?
Andrew Largeman: Now?
Aunt Sylvia Largeman: Well, in case I have to fix it before you leave again and we don't see you for another nine years. I wanna make sure it fits.
Andrew Largeman: Can you imagine being the guy whose job it is to argue for the right to build a mall on top of a geological phenomenon?
Mark: They love their malls here, man.
Diego: Who just saw some titties?
[Mark, Largeman and Sam raise their hands tentatively]
Diego: Ok. Now everybody calm the fuck down!
Sam: My hair is blowing in the wind.
Kelly: Well, we just ate all this fucking 'X', so what the hell else are we supposed to do?
Jesse: The woman has a point.
Sam: Wow! I cannot believe you're not retarded!
Mark: I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better.
Carol: Oh... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.
Sam: I have three Dobermans, and if I didn't kick them in the balls on a regular basis, I'd never get anything done.
Karl Benson: Hey man, I thought you killed yourself.
Andrew Largeman: What?
Karl Benson: I thought you killed yourself. That wasn't you?
Andrew Largeman: No, no, tha-that wasn't me.
Sam: We're not gonna make out or anything, okay?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry. I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?
Mark: We'll probably head over there right after we bury your mom.
Andrew Largeman: It's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic.
Sam: This is Tickle.
Andrew Largeman: What is Tickle?
Sam: Tickle's my favorite thing in the whole world. It's all that's left of Nanny, my blanket.
Andrew Largeman: Tickle is all that remains. Was there a hurricane or something?
Sam: Shut up! No, I mean, I've had this since I was a baby. It's what they brought me home in from the hospital.
Andrew Largeman: I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it.
Mark: Hey, vagina!
Andrew Largeman: Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, it's Mark, Dave, and you remember Jesse.
Jesse: Hey.
Sam: Hey.
Dave: What's up?
Mark: Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said vagina just now. I didn't know you were here.
Sam: Oh, that's okay.
Mark: Nice. Let's get fucked up.
Gideon Largeman: Saying goodbye is important. I'm glad you could fit it in.
Mark: You like that, Press Junket, that's improv bitch, you can use it.
Andrew Largeman: We're not playing Spin the Bottle; how old are we? More importantly, how old are they?
Jesse: Oh, they're all legal. I think...
Sam: This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing.
Tim: [to Mark's mom, Carol] I had a lovely evening.
[to Andrew]
Tim: By the way, it says BALLS on your face.
Kenny: Put your hands on your head, please.
Andrew Largeman: What?
Kenny: I said to put your motherfucking hands on your head.
[slams car door]
Kenny: Please. Eighty in a twenty-five. What are you going to tell me, you were late or you're just tired?
Andrew Largeman: I was?
Kenny: Shut the fuck up!
[first lines]
Airplane pilot: [voiceover] Los Angeles Tower, this is Transworld 22 Heavy. We are going down! Repeat, engines two and... L.A. Tower, this is... Mayday! Mayday!
Sam: OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true.
Andrew Largeman: You're a COP, Kenny?
Kenny: Yeah, I know!
Andrew Largeman: ...Why?
Kenny: I don't know, man. Had nothing better to do.
Andrew Largeman: I just feel like I've been going to too many of these lately.
Sam: What? Dates?
Andrew Largeman: You call this a date? This isn't a date. No, funerals.
Andrew Largeman: You're the alligator?
Sam: Sidecars are for bitches.
Andrew Largeman: [to Sam while a dog humps his leg] Got any suggestions?
Sam: [laughing] What?
Andrew Largeman: [louder] You got any suggestions?
Sam: Yeah, kick his balls. Kick his balls!
Andrew Largeman: I don't wanna destroy future generations of charitable dogs.
Kenny: Plus, the benefits are great, you know? If I get shot on the job, I'm like... *MMM*... rich!
Olivia: Andrew, would you like to see Sam's ice skating tape?
Sam: Mom, no.
Andrew Largeman: Absolutely.
Olivia: She was so ahead of her time. She could have gone to the Olympics.
Sam: No! No, no, no. I couldn't have.
Olivia: Yes you could have! Don't blame it on the Epilepsy. You had a gift.
Andrew Largeman: Come on, let me see it.
Olivia: [excited] Let's just show him the Florida Stars of the Ice opening. The gator costume!
Sam: Mom. I'm asking you seriously.
Andrew Largeman: Come on, don't be shy. Let me see it.
Olivia: Oh she wants you to see it. How could you not want him to see how talented you are?
Sam: Were.
Andrew Largeman: Place looks good.
Gideon Largeman: Oh, that's nice. Yeah, we've been doing a lot of work on it.
Andrew Largeman: Really?
Gideon Largeman: Actually, no. I don't know why I just said that.
Jesse: But your mom was in the wheelchair long before you left.
Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Well, I was nine. So they sent me to therapy and put me on these drugs that were supposed to curb my anger and I've been on some form of them ever since. And when I was 16 my psychiatrist dad came around to the conclusion that it probably wasn't the best environment for me to be growing up in, so he sent me to boarding school. And I haven't been home since.
Sam: Until now.
Mark: For her funeral.
Andrew Largeman: Until now for her funeral.
Jesse: I can't believe the retarded quarterback is a pill-popper.
Andrew Largeman: How did she die?
Mark: I don't know, she wasn't Jewish, I didn't bury her.
Tim: [Klingon phrase] qIrq HoH.
Carol: It means I like to mate after battle.
Tim: That's not what I said.
Carol: Yeah...
Tim: No, no. That wasn't the one I said. This one means Kill Kirk... And also, hallelujah... Depending on the context.
Sam: So uh, I gotta go bury this hamster before the dogs eat him... You wanna help?
Titembay: Peace out, playa!
Sam: This is the point in the conversation where you offer me a ride home.
Andrew Largeman: It is?
Sam: Yeah.
Andrew Largeman: Would you like a ride home?
Sam: ...Fine. But I'm not riding in that sidecar.
Andrew Largeman: Why not?
Sam: Sidecars are for bitches. Anyone who rides in one is automatically your bitch. Thus I will ride on the back.
Sam: How's your head?
Andrew Largeman: I shall live through the day.
Sam: Cool.
Mark: Hey! If you ever need a Kato you know where to find me.
Tim: By the way, it says 'balls' on your face.
Andrew Largeman: [to Mark] Asshole!
Mark: What? My mum did it.
Gideon Largeman: And besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?
Kenny: Your mom just died!
Carol: Mark, he's a knight.
Mark: He's just a fast food knight.
Sam: So what are you here for?
Andrew Largeman: What are you here for?
Sam: Waiting for a friend, you?
Andrew Largeman: I uh...
Sam: Oh fuck, that was so nosy. I'm sorry, ack. I am. I am so nosy. I didn't I didn't mean to be. I am sorry.
Andrew Largeman: No, I just get these headaches. I wanna have em checked out.
Sam: Cool
Dr. Cohen: Mister... Andrew Largeman?
Andrew Largeman: Yes?
Dr. Cohen: There's absolutely nothing wrong with you
Andrew Largeman: Really?
Dr. Cohen: Just kidding; how the hell would I know?
Mark: Silent velcro. You lucky mother fucker.
Andrew Largeman: I feel like if I would shown up at school and presented the idea of silent velcro they would have sent me away a whole lot sooner.
Sam: Why did they send you away?
Jesse: Ooh, listen to this girl.
Andrew Largeman: They didn't send me away.
Mark: You just said they sent you away.
Andrew Largeman: This isn't a conversation about this being over. I'm not like, putting a period at the end of this. I'm putting like... an ellipsis on it.
Sam: He's defending me. He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman: Don't mention knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark: I'm going to kill that motherfucker.
Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?
Andrew Largeman: They sent me away to boarding school. Sent me away makes it sound like they sent me to an asylum. There were no straps involved.
Andrew Largeman: So why were you really there?
Sam: Charging. I'm a robot.
Andrew Largeman: Dude, we've been patient all day but it's my last day in town and you haven't told us what we're doing. I mean, if you had told me we'd be going on a six-hour scavenger hunt for blow I would've passed.
Mark: Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago.
Gideon Largeman: [on Andrew's answering machine] Andrew, this is your father. Hello? Look, you don't call me back, so I don't know how to do this. If you're not gonna return my calls then there's no way for us to communicate...
[breaks down]
Gideon Largeman: Look, I don't know how to do this but you're gonna need to come home now. Last night... Your mother died last night, Andrew. She drowned. Last night she drowned in the bath.
Kenny: People really listen to you, you know? I mean...
[suddenly pulls out gun]
Kenny: they HAVE to!
Sam: Large. I think I see one.
Andrew Largeman: [crying] Shut up.
Sam: Yeah, I do. Wait, wait, wait. We should save it or something.
[runs to get a paper cup]
Sam: Okay, don't move!
Andrew Largeman: We could put it in my scrapbook if I had a scrapbook.
Sam: Is that it?
Andrew Largeman: I think so. I don't really feel any more coming.
Sam: Well, if you do, let me know. I'll get the cup.
Sam: This was such a good idea.
Andrew Largeman: Who are you?
Sam: I'm your new friend Sam. Tissue?
[wipes Andrew's face with her arm]
Andrew Largeman: My mom just died. God, it's weird to say it out loud, but... my mom just died.
Mark: I do apply myself every day, mom. I work my ass off burying dead people, okay? I'm only 26. I'm not in any rush. What's your rush for?
Sam: Here comes the lipstick.
Andrew Largeman: Do you lie a lot?
Sam: What do you consider a lot?
Andrew Largeman: Enough for people to call you a liar.
Sam: People call me lots of things...
Andrew Largeman: Is one of them liar?
Sam: I could say no, but how would you know I'm not lying?
Andrew Largeman: I guess I could choose to trust you.
Sam: You can do that?
Andrew Largeman: I can try.
Andrew Largeman: But Kenny, the last time I saw you, you were doing coke lines off a urinal.
Kenny: I know, I know, man... but it was time for me to grow up, you know? Plus, I wasn't making shit at that fish market. No one knew who I was, I couldn't get laid. Yeah, it's a much better situation for me now.
Kenny: Speaking of which, how'd I do?
Andrew Largeman: You mean... as a cop?
Kenny: Yeah, you know, the whole,
Kenny: shut-the-fuck-up thing...
Andrew Largeman: Well, I thought you were a dick, so I guess that's good...
Kenny: [pumping his fist] Nice!
Andrew Largeman: So how do people know what's real?
Sam: Well, I always feel bad afterwards and admit them when they're lies. Can you trust that?
[Largeman flounders in the pool]
Jesse: Dude, maybe you should stay over by the steps. I don't know CPR.
Mark: You look like a wet beaver.
Mark: Hey look, what do you gotta do today? Because, uh, I got you a little going away present but I gotta kind of track it down first. So can you give me a ride?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah, I just uh.
Mark: What?
Andrew Largeman: No, nothing. I just, um.
Mark: Say it. Speak.
Andrew Largeman: I kinda told Sam I was going to hang out with her today.
Mark: She can come. I don't care.
Olivia: Samantha, put the clothes in the dryer and bury Jelly.
Albert: [about the rickety old boathouse] Unfortunately, if this is the apocalypse, I'm not entirely sure it still floats.
Titembay: Someone has been pissing on my Gamecube and I'm about to close the case.
Andrew Largeman: What could be ruder than talking about someone else who died when you're in the act of burying a close friend?
Sam: Well, what should we do?
Andrew Largeman: I don't know. I've only been to one of these things. You appear to be the expert.
Sam: We usually say something.
Andrew Largeman: Okay, I'll go first. Didn't really know you, Jelly. From what I hear you were a really good pet. A little trouble with the wheel.
Sam: [interrupts] That's not funny.
Sam: Jelly, you were a great pet. I'm sorry I forgot to take the wheel out of your cage. I'm so, so sorry about that. Goodbye. I hope that you liked me.
Dr. Cohen: Of course you're all right. You're alive.
Olivia: Could we move the crime scene into the kitchen?
Andrew Largeman: I'll be fine. Am I the first boy you've ever brought home?
Sam: No, but I lied to you before when I told you that my boyfriend drives a Ninja.
Andrew Largeman: He doesn't drive a bike?
Sam: No, I don't have a boyfriend. But, you know, he might drive a Ninja wherever he is.
Andrew Largeman: Wow. We're off to a great start.
Olivia: [yelling at dogs] Alright! Everybody down! Who wants to eat? Do you want to eat? Then get the fuck off him!
[to Andrew]
Olivia: I'm so sorry. We just don't have the time to train them. Who's got the time to train them?
Diego: Does it come with balloons?
Mark: What am I, a birthday clown? NO! It doesn't come with balloons. Suck it off the tap!
Mark: How about some fucking furniture, man?
Jesse: I bought a chair, but I didn't like it.
Sam: Where is it?
Jesse: [indicating the fireplace] It's keeping us warm.
Sam: It's not that we're bad pet owners or anything, it's just, you know, we've had so many of them over the years. Besides, a lot of these are fish.
Andrew Largeman: Who are you?
Sam: I'm your new friend Sam. Tissue?
[singing at Andrew's mother's funeral]
Aunt Sylvia Largeman: Thanks for the time that you've given me. The memories are all in my mind. And now that we've come to the end of our rainbow, there's something I must say out loud. Yes, you're once, twice, three times a lady. I love you. Yes, you're once, twice, three times a lady. I love you. I love you.
Andrew Largeman: It's like the Wailing Wall.
Sam: What?
Andrew Largeman: The Wailing Wall. It's like the most holy place for Jews to go an pray in Israel. It's all that's left of this enormous temple that was destroyed by the Romans.
Sam: So you're like really Jewish?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: You are, aren't you?
Sam: You are!
Andrew Largeman: No, I'm not. I mean I'm Jewish but I'm not really Jewish. I don't do anything Jewish. I don't go to temple or anything. But I don't know any Jews who go to temple. The Jews I know only go on one day which is Yom Kippur. The day of repentance.
Sam: Okay.
Andrew Largeman: Did you know that most temples are built with moveable walls so that one the one day of the year when everyone comes to repent they can actually make the room big enough to hold everyone?
Sam: I don't really believe in God.
Andrew Largeman: Just Tickle.
Sam: Oh, I believe in Tickle.
Andrew Largeman: Are you doing anything right now?
Sam: Can you elaborate on doing anything?
Andrew Largeman: I just know this guy Jesse who bought this mansion that's right up here and we wants me to come visit him, but I don't want to stay very long. So I was thinking if you came too I could just say I have to take you home when I'm ready to go.
Sam: Wow. That's pretty damn random of you, Andrew. Nice to meet you. Can I use you?
Andrew Largeman: No.
Sam: Must be the Hollywood in you, I guess.
Andrew Largeman: No, come on, it's not like that. It will be fun. I'll tell you what, we could have a signal. Like when you pull on your ear that's the code and then I'll be like, oh I gotta take her home. And then we'll go.
Sam: Can we have code names, too?
Andrew Largeman: If you want.
Sam: [thinks] Okay. But don't try and kidnap me or anything because my step-uncle is a bounty hunter and he could have you tracked and killed.
Andrew Largeman: [laughing] You're such a liar.
Andrew Largeman: They sent me to boarding school because they thought I might be dangerous.
[mocking Sam]
Andrew Largeman: Oh, are you freaked out? You're like so freaked out. You're like running for the door. You can go, it's okay, don't feel bad.
Sam: [unamused] That's really funny.
[Andrew laughing]
Sam: It's really funny. Why would they think you'd be dangerous?
Jesse: You're like a little detective.
Andrew Largeman: Want to know?
Sam: Yeah.
Mark: You're gay.
Olivia: Honey, I asked you to get the metal wheel out of the hamster cage.
Sam: [gasps] I forgot!
Olivia: [holding up a dead hamster] Well, you forgot and now Jelly's dead. Luckily I got Peanut Butter out in time.
[to Andrew]
Olivia: We have to get the only hamsters on planet Earth who can't figure out a stupid hamster wheel.
[to Sam]
Olivia: There is a tin box on the kitchen counter. You can do the honors.
Singer: [from trailer] There's beauty in the breakdown.
Karl Benson: I should get your number.
Mark: The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money.
Andrew Largeman: It was nice meeting you.
Sam: You didn't. I'm Sam.
Andrew Largeman: [shakes hand] Andrew.
Sam: Nice to meet you. Good luck with your head.
Andrew Largeman: Why are you crying?
Sam: I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm not usually like this. It's just like, it's so sad. You know? It's so tragic, isn't it? It feels like real life tragedy or something.
Andrew Largeman: Anyway, let's just change the subject.
Andrew Largeman: [a dog humps his leg] "He's got to be close to finishing now"
Sam: [Dog speeds up his humping] "Not yet, here comes the lipstick"
Andrew Largeman: There's a handful of normal kid things I kinda missed.
Sam: There's a handful of normal kid things I kinda wish I'd missed.
Sam: What?
Andrew Largeman: Uh, it's Titembay, right?
Sam: Yeah, it weird huh? You're like so freaked out right now. You're like running for the door. It's okay, you can go. Don't feel bad. It's really...
Andrew Largeman: [interrupts irritatingly] Stop doing that.
Sam: What?
Andrew Largeman: The whole thing you just did. I wanna be here. If I didn't I wouldn't be. Okay? Trust me, my family is way more fucked up than yours. Okay?
Sam: Okay.
Andrew Largeman: So... Titembay.
Sam: Yeah, he's my brother.
Andrew Largeman: Is he adopted?
Sam: Kind of. My mom adopted him from Sally Struthers, like, years ago. You know, one of those "for the cost of a cup of coffee a day" sort of things. Where she's like, "how can you just sit there and not help the children?" And we couldn't. We couldn't just sit there and not help the children. So we started sending him pictures and letters and stuff for years, but then I got really into ice skating so we sort of forgot about him. Then one day we get this phone call and it's Titembay and he's at the dry cleaners around the corner. And he's like, "I'm at Rutgers, I live in the dorms, but I'm used to living with my tribe so I'd rather live with a family." He's been living with us ever since.
Andrew Largeman: Wow.
Sam: Yeah, I know. He's the most amazing guy. You gotta hear some of his stories. He struggled through so much because he wanted to learn. When I think of what he's accomplished I just feel lazy, you know? He's studying Criminal Justice at Rutgers and when he was a baby he was one of those kids with flies all over his face.
Andrew Largeman: Wow.
Andrew Largeman: I mean, it's... it's a crazy story.
Sam: Yeah, I know. I mean that's a true story! I'm not that good.
Andrew Largeman: [about to swallow a tab of ecstasy] I guess I'll see you guys later.
Obnoxious Girl: I'll have a Ketel Cosmo, with Red Bull - and some bread ASAP.
Andrew Largeman: ...We don't have bread.
Obnoxious Girl: What do you mean you don't have bread, how can you not have bread?
Andrew Largeman: ...we're a Vietnamese restaurant... we just don't have bread.
Obnoxious Girl: Well, you're not Vietnamese.
Andrew Largeman: ...No, I'm not.
Obnoxious Girl: Can I have something to chew on! Fuck, bamboo! Whatever!
Andrew Largeman: I'll see what I can find.

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