Garfield Quotes

Jon Arbuckle buys a second pet, a dog named Odie. However, Odie is then abducted and it is up to Jon's cat, Garfield, to find and rescue the canine.

Jon Arbuckle: What am I gonna do with you?
Garfield: Love me, feed me, never leave me.

Liz: There's nothing wrong with Garfield. He's just a happy, fat, lazy cat.
Garfield: No need for a second opinion.

Garfield: If I didn't have a box over my head, I'd be humiliated.

Garfield: Another day ruined.
[on seeing Odie bringing Jon's paper in for him]
Garfield: Oh, you little suck-up!

Nermal: Garfield, Jon's taking Odie on his date with Liz and he's leaving you behind.
Garfield: I know, Nermal.
Nermal: They're off on an adventure and you're still here.
Garfield: And your point is...?
Nermal: Well, that's gotta feel bad, being left by Jon while he takes Odie out, it's like... you're not his favorite anymore!
Garfield: Hey, what do you say we play brain surgeon? Would you go get my power tools? Hmm...
[Garfield sees the truck leaving the house]
Garfield: This is so sad. Jon has completely lost his mind. He doesn't realize how important I am to him.

Garfield: OK, here's the drill. Cats, scratch like you never scratched before. Dogs, bite but don't chew, and rats, see if you can get that pretty necklace around his neck.
[cats & dogs start growling, and rats start squeaking]
Garfield: Canines, felines, and 'vermines', it's showtime!

[first lines]
Garfield: I hate Mondays.

Garfield: I think... I'm going to blow cat chow chunks.

Garfield: [to mouse after spitting him out] Have you tasted yourself lately?
Louis: Hey, it wasn't exactly the first-class lounge in there for me, either.
Garfield: Get yourself lost, Louis. Take a powder for a couple days, get a haircut, and grow a beard.
Louis: Cool. I owe you one, G.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, did you eat all four boxes of lasagna?
Garfield: [hiccups] It's not my fault. They started it.

Jon Arbuckle: [a mouse runs by] Mouse!
Garfield: No thanks, I'm full.
[mouse runs away]
Jon Arbuckle: Get him Garfield!
Garfield: [looks at mouse then back at Jon] Get him Jon.

Arlene: [Arlene and Nermal see Odie out of the house] Poor Odie. That cat is such a pig.
Nermal: Garfield's a pig?
Arlene: You never leave the dog out at night.
Nermal: Why not?
Arlene: Because dogs run away.

Garfield: [Odie throws a pillow at him] oooooohhhhhh... that was a cheap shot
[walks up to odie with the pillow]
Garfield: [gesturing to the pillow] hey, I saw this and I thought... pretty sure it was your...
Garfield: [hits odie] oh, I love to dish it out!

[Garfield shoves Odie off a chair]
Garfield: Down, dumb dog!
[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair again]
Garfield: Whoa... what part of "no" don't you understand? The push-off-the-chair?
[pushes Odie off the chair]
Garfield: Off! I don't wanna play!
[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair one more time]
Garfield: Look, what am I supposed to say? Thanks, for saving my hide with Luca? Okay, thanks for saving my hide with Luca.
[pushes Odie off the chair]
Garfield: Get off!

Jon Arbuckle: [in the phone] I'll call you later. Garfield is being... Garfield.

Garfield: [after seeing Jon baby talk Odie] Yeah, wish me luck with the nightmares.

Garfield: Houston! we have a problem! Odie, get off the pail. Would you get off the pail, please? Alright, time for a new game. It's called "My Claw In Your Butt" game! Come on! Get back here! I'll just use my left claw! If my legs were longer I would have caught you by now! Come back here! Just a second.
[panting]
Garfield: Slow... down...

Garfield: Jon! Jon! Odie is on TV, and he's wearing liederhosen!

Garfield: So much time, and so little... I need to do.

Garfield: Oh, Sleeping Beauty, wake up. You can stop dreaming about me, because I'm here. Now just wake up. You got work to do. You're not just my owner, you're my primary caregiver. Now be a...
Jon Arbuckle: Not now, Garfield.
[Wraps arm around Garfield]
Garfield: [choking] Get- A- Ah- Just- All right. Cut the sweet stuff. Easy now. Just-
[breaks free]
Garfield: Trying to cuddle with me, huh? Trying to avoid your duties, eh? Well, that just ain't gonna fly! It isn't gonna work with me. See, I'm getting my exercise, doin' my job. Just one quick CANNONBALL!
[jumps from TV and hits Jon in the stomach]
Garfield: Morning.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield!

Garfield: I'd say the refrigerator is unguarded.

Garfield: [talking about Jon to Louis] When he sees you he expects more from me.

Garfield: [Jon] Schmuck!

Garfield: [after being reunited with Jon and Liz] You had me at hello.

Jon Arbuckle: Liz, I have a confession. Well, its not really a confession, more of an admission. Its a... Liz... its a declaration.

Garfield: Let me tell you something, Happy. To you, Odie might be just a dumb, stupid, smelly dog. But to me,
[Odie barks twice]
Garfield: he's all that and much more. He's my friend.
Garfield: [to Odie] Odie, try something else. Maybe there's a game on.
[Odie presses a button on the remote and a shock causes Happy to do a backflip]

Garfield: [to Jon] Hey, tall dark and human? What's for breakfast?

Garfield: [Garfield and Odie are dancing] I'm walking the dog. You probably should have practiced in the garage before you stepped up to someone of my level.

Announcer: [from a deleted portion of the dog show] Remember, looks are everything. Remember, its not the dog in the fight, its the fight in the dog.

Garfield: Beep, beep. Cat coming through. Beep, beep. Going through the tunnel
[slides through a lady's legs and makes a sound like a car]
Garfield: . I just had to do that!

Garfield: [Odie in a cage on the train] These are the kind of seats you get when you book at the last minute.

Garfield: Huh? That's his last name, Schnitzel?

Garfield: I've found that if you wait long enough, everything comes to you.

Garfield: This rescue thing is exhausting. When do heroes get to eat?

Garfield: [Nermal, Arlene and Luca are congratulating Garfield for rescuing Odie] Its nice to be recognized by your peers.

Garfield: [Odie] How can this dog be such a problem when he's not even here anymore?

Garfield: [a deleted portion from Garfield and Odie's dance] Walk the porch. I'm walking the dog.

Garfield: If it isn't Unhappy Chappy.

Jon Arbuckle: [Jon's lost both his pets] First Odie, and now Garfield. I am the worst pet owner on the planet.

Garfield: I'm banged in the nose again.

Liz: You care about him, more than any owner I've ever known.
Garfield: Him has a name. Is this an HMO?

Garfield: Madam, I'm a cat in trouble. I'm hitching a ride in your mumu.

Garfield: [Garfield is pigging out on flavor blasted Goldfish and then he burps] Ah, and that's a sign that the tank is full.

Happy Chapman: I hate lasagna.

[Jon slips on a purple ball]
Garfield: There's my ball.

Luca: You're on the wrong side of the street, fat cat. Beat it!
Garfield: And you, Luca. You're on the wrong side of the evolutionary curve.

Happy Chapman: [to Garfield] Nice kitty.
Garfield: Let's see what's on the news.
[zaps Happy Chapman with the shock collar]

Garfield: [to Jon] I know you can't hear me, but can't you just listen?

Jon Arbuckle: [on the phone] No, Odie's not a hounddog. Yes, I'm sure.

Garfield: [after being captured by animal control] I have tags, I just left them in my other fur.

Garfield: [Happy Chapman produces the shock collar] Nice accessory, but I don't think I want to play dress-up with you, pal.

Garfield: [to a family of rats] Why am I being surrounded here? Some of my best friends are vermin.

Garfield: [to his teddy bear] Pookie, cover me. I'm going in.

Luca: [Garfield is on Luca's lawn and Luca's off his chain] Oh, I've been waiting years for this.
Garfield: Would that be regular years, or dog years?

Happy Chapman: If I could get my hands on a really talented dog, wouldn't Walter J
[his brother]
Happy Chapman: just choke on his Emmy?

Garfield: [seeing a bus] Oh, taxi. Step on it, will you driver?

Louis: [from a deleted scene when Garfield and Louis use a hot dog vendor's cart to get near Telegraph Tower] Meals on wheels.
Garfield: Don't let anybody see us jumping out; we'd ruin this guy's business.

Garfield: [Odie's run away] Maybe he's fetching the paper for the neighbors?

Garfield: [to Odie] Can we slow down? I've been doing this running thing all day and I am over it.

Garfield: You just can't do this, Jon. He's trying to tear us apart, don't you see that? You know me. I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house. I was provoked, pushed, prodded, driven mad. You can't kick me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal!
[Jon closes the door]
Garfield: [scratches the door] Oh come on, Jon. Jon! You know I'm scared of the dark.

Garfield: Sure, Jon. I'll eat all your lasagna for you.

Luca: You're gonna' get it good today.
Garfield: I make it a point to get it good, everyday.

Persnikitty: Eat hairballs, Happy Chapman!

[repeated line]
Happy Chapman: Be happy.

Garfield: Sir Roland?
Persnikitty: In the fur.

[repeated line]
Garfield: Oh, my poor nose!

Garfield: I'll make it up to Odie tomorrow. I'll teach him how to drink out of the toilet.

Garfield: [to Jon] You went in there to get a date and came out with a dog. That's bad even for you.

Persnikitty: Will you please keep quiet? God, god! Oh, this really is too much.
Garfield: Hey, Persnikitty! Happy Chapman's cat! What are you doing here?
Persnikitty: I was his cat, until I outlived my purpose. And then he replaced me with a dog and dumped me in this wretched place. All humans are the same.
Garfield: Not my owner. He only does what's best for me. He puts up with me and he feeds me.
Persnikitty: And he lets you vacation in this charming animal pound. Hello.
Garfield: Not for long, Persnikitty.
Persnikitty: Would you please just stop calling me that? My name isn't really Persnikitty. It's Sir Roland.
Garfield: Sir Roland.
Persnikitty: Yeah, that's another one of Happy Chapman's acts of cruelty. I was trained in a classical theater, you know, mm-hmm. But now I'm a celebrity cable castoff cat, with a name I can never live down.
Garfield: Well this may hurt a little, but, I'm trying to rescue the dog that replaced you, Persnikitty... I mean, Roland. Happy and Odie are getting on a train in less than two hours, to become regulars on Good Day New York.
Spanky: Wait a minute. Did I just hear that? You're a cat that's trying to rescue a dog?
Garfield: It's true, I know, it's a crime against nature. At first I thought he was a pain but, he's grown on me like a wart you wanna have removed until you realized it defines you in some funny way.
Persnikitty: You know what, that is absolutely charming.
Spanky: Let me ask you one question, chubby. What are you talking about?
Garfield: How could you understand? He's my friend.

Garfield: Muscle weighs more than fat.

Garfield: [to the animals at the vet's] Don't cry, I know what's it like to be unloved. Well, you do.

Garfield: Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of lasagna.

Garfield: [seeing the real Telegraph Tower] It looks much smaller on the box.

[last lines]
Garfield: [Garfield does the splits and can't get up] Oops. Hey Odie, help me. I can't get up. Oh my friend, bring me some ice. Will you hurry up you dumb dog? I'm in pain.

Garfield: I love the smell of Cinnamon Apple in the morning. It smells like victory.

Garfield: Why, why has this happened? I was the one... it was all about me. Not about some... stupid, sniffling, smelly, high-maintenance... *disco dog!*

Train station computer.: Collision in 20 seconds.
Garfield: Gosh, you sound like my mother.

Garfield: [feeling a breeze in the air ducts] That wasn't my stomach, was it?

Garfield: I'll purr like a Ferrari. Make that a Jaguar.

Happy Chapman: I believe you've found my dog. He answers to Odie.
Mrs. Baker: Odie?
Happy Chapman: Family name.

Deputy Hopkins: [to the animals escaping the pound] Stop, you've not been cleared for release!

Garfield: [Odie] Luca, do me a favor and eat him for me, please?

Garfield: Jon, you had me a chick magnet, and now you got a tick magnet!
Nermal: Garfield, Jon brought a dog home.
Garfield: I'm aware, Nermal.
Nermal: Why would he do a thing like that?
Garfield: Gee, I don't know, Nermal.
Nermal: Well it just sounds like a weird thing to do, bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.
Garfield: Can we drop it? I mean it's no big deal. It's just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life.
Nermal: A... bug?
Garfield: A dim-witted, smelly, goofy... splattered bug that I will deal with properly and enthusiastically.
Jon Arbuckle: [to Odie] Come on, boy!
Garfield: As you can see, I'm still Jon's favorite.
Nermal: See you later, Garfield! Good luck with the bug thing!

Happy Chapman: [Persnikitty] Here I am, working with this sack of dander on a dead end regional morning show.

Garfield: I slept like a fat cat.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene on the train after Garfield is still dazed from being knocked out by Happy Chapman] Um, Mom? Is that you?
Spanky: I had to see it with my own eyes. A cat saving a dog.
Persnikitty: All for one and one for all.
Garfield: Sir Roland?
Persnikitty: In the fur.
Garfield: What are you guys all doing here? Are you traveling today too?
Spanky: We've been following your scent since the pound.
Garfield: [still dazed] What are you guys all doing here?
Persnikitty: We're here to help.
Dad Rat: [to Garfield] Well, well, well. We meet again.
Mom Rat: I say we eat the fat, arrogant fool.
Garfield: No, no, please let me live!
Louis: [Happy Chapman] Not you, Garfield. Chrome dome over there.

Garfield: [Jon, showing Odie the house] Why don't you draw him a map?

Persnikitty: When I give the signal, run like a mad cow.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene at the train station where Garfield is looking for Happy Chapman] Now if I were going by train, where would I be. Yeah, the dining cart.

Garfield: Poor Odie. He faces a life of torture, neglect and degradation... Hey, nobody gets to mistreat my dog like that except me!

Jon Arbuckle: Some part of me has always wanted to know what it would be like to have a pet that actually wants to play with you.

Garfield: [a train station] Its just a trainset, only bigger.

Garfield: Jon, you're denser than ever!

Garfield: I can do this. Beyond this intersection is just another intersection, and another, and another. On the other hand, I wonder if there's any meatloaf left in the fridge. No, now is not the time for a plate of meatloaf. Now is the time for a plate of courage. Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield has left the cul-de-sac!

Happy Chapman: Good morning, New York. I know you're gonna' flip for Odie, because he sure is flipping for you
[zaps him with the shock collar]
Happy Chapman: .

Louis: [not wanting to go inside Telegraph Tower] I don't do the vertical thing.

Garfield: [before zapping Happy Chapman with the shock collar] Odie, would you mind sharing the remote, please? Every dog has his day, Happy.

Garfield: I don't leave the cul-de-sac for anything.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene when Garfield decides to rescue Odie] I could bring him back. Then everyone will know I'm not the insensitive, self-involved, egomaniacal...
[sees his reflection]
Garfield: Owooo, looking good.

Garfield: [a deleted portion of Garfield thanking Sir Roland/Persnikitty for helping him escape from the pound] Hey, they could have used you in Alcatraz. I just wanted to say, thanks Your Majesty. And break a leg.

Jon Arbuckle: [Liz] She is so beautiful.
Garfield: Uh, Mr Pathetic. You've had a crush on her since high school. Would you please ask her out so she can reject you and we can get on with my life?

Garfield: [Odie's in his car seat] Hey, I ride shotgun.

Garfield: [to a family of rats] Good luck with the plague and rabies and everything.

Garfield: [singing] I'm in a New Dog State of Mind.

Luca: Hey, what are you looking at?
Garfield: Nothing. Just looking for some company.
Nermal: Keep walking, creepo.
Garfield: What's going on?
Arlene: We know how much you hated Odie. We know how much you wanted him gone.
Garfield: Wait a minute. All I wanted was to sleep in my own bed.
Arlene: And to do it, you cast Odie out into the cold, cruel world?
Nermal: We saw you locked Odie out last night!
Garfield: Gee, I don't believe you guys. I didn't know Odie was gonna run away. He's a dumb dog. No offense, Luca.
Luca: Uh... what?
Garfield: You can't blame me for that.
Nermal: Any one of us could be next.
Arlene: Yeah. There's no room for anybody else in Garfield's world.
Garfield: [after being left alone by Luca, Arlene and Nermal] Oh that was a little traumatic. Well maybe I've been a little... tough in protecting my turf, but, um... I don't hate the guy.

Garfield: [at the vet's] Garfield is leaving the building.

Garfield: [after Garfield's been netted by animal control and sees the captive Odie with Happy Chapman] Hey, McGillicuddy. There's an animal felony happening right there behind you.

Garfield: Yeah, just one big, happy family.
[notices Odie with him on his chair]
Garfield: Yeah, right. Hit the floor.
[pushes Odie off his chair]
Garfield: No, come on, seriously, you can come up. Come here, buddy, come up.
[Odie climbs on Garfield's chair]
Garfield: Down you go.
Garfield: [pushes Odie off his chair again]
Garfield: We just hit it off so great because we both love the same thing and that is...
[Odie climbs on Garfield's chair one more time and Garfield pushes him off again]
Garfield: me.

Arlene: Garfield, are you alright?
Garfield: I think so. Luca's about to have Odie for lunch.
Arlene: If it wasn't for Odie, you'd be Luca's chew toy.
Nermal: Yeah, he saved your life. Odie's a hero!
Garfield: Why, because I wasn't ripped to shreds? No. Odie's an imbecile until further notice.

Garfield: [Odie] I think I recognise that whine.

Garfield: [watching Jon go after a mouse] Its always got to be smashing and crashing. Nobody poisons anymore.

Garfield: [to Odie after beating Happy Chapman] Strong finish, little buddy.

Garfield: [after Garfield banged his nose] Maybe I'll get a CAT scan. A CAT scan?

Garfield: I just need a little quality time with man's real best friend, television.

Garfield: [to Odie] We kinda got off on the wrong paw.

Garfield: [Odie] Jon, its not too late. Quickly, turn around, before he finds out where we live! Please, take this trouser snooper back!

Garfield: [Odie licks Garfield] Oh, great! Dog coodies! Somebody innoculate me, please?

Garfield: [from a deleted scene]
[to Arlene]
Garfield: Well, hello.
Luca: [to himself] Garfield, always working the angles. Thinks he's so slick.
Garfield: [to Arlene] If you have any itches, I'm available for a scratch.
Arlene: Go play in traffic.
Garfield: Alone? Come on, Arlene. I'm a simple cat. All I want is shelter, lasagna and to be loved, for maybe five times a day.
Arlene: Hah! Not in my nine lives.
Luca: In your face, Garfield.
Garfield: Come on Arlene...
[sees a pie on a windowsill]
Garfield: Oh baby, you smell so good.
Arlene: You think I'm gonna fall for a line like that?
Garfield: I can already taste you from here, my love, my desire. I worship you. I dream of you. I'm humbled, and crumbled in your presence.
Arlene: Garfield, I didn't realise your feelings ran so deep.
Garfield: Oh uh... excuse me, baby. Could you wait right here until after I finish my lunch?
Arlene: Huh? Oh, Garfield. You're impossible.

Liz: [to Jon] So um... what's your confession... admission... declaration?

Garfield: [drinking from a bottle of milk] Come to papa, baby!

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