A record company intern is hired to accompany out-of-control British rock star Aldous Snow to a concert at L.A.'s Greek Theater.

Sergio Roma: You've been mind-fucked before?
Aaron Green: I don't think so.
Sergio Roma: I'm mind-fucking you right now.
Aaron Green: You are?
Sergio Roma: Can't you feel my dick fucking your mind?
Aaron Green: No, I can't really feel anything.
Sergio Roma: See? That's it. That's the art of it. I'm mind-fucking the shit out of you.
Aaron Green: Well I hope you're wearing a condom cause I have a dirty mind.
Aaron Green: [as Sergio is chasing after them in a hotel lobby] This is the longest hallway of all time!
Aldous Snow: It's Kubrickian!
Aldous Snow: When the world slips you a Jeffrey, stroke the furry wall.
Aldous Snow: I labored under the myth of monogamy for sever years with Jackie and it was pointless.
Aaron Green: So you only slept with Jackie?
Aldous Snow: No, I slept with other people but I always told her about it. Monogamy.
Aldous Snow: Doesn't it make sense that we should stay here and possibly have the time of your life?
Sergio Roma: This is what old pussy used to look like in the 70's.
Aaron Green: Are you Paul Krugman?
Paul Krugman: Uh, yeah.
Aaron Green: My dad loves your shit.
Paul Krugman: Uh, thank you.
Jackie Q: The old Aldous, would've you know, had his way with you he would have bent you over that pretty little chair and had his way and now we'd be having a three way you'd be coming over for a cognac later I'll tell you that sweetie. You bet that's not happening anymore.
Aldous Snow: Do you want me to start drinking again? Is that what you'd like? You want me to return to that?
Jackie Q: Maybe you should. Maybe you should.
Aldous Snow: I'll do lines off her forehead while I'm in her up to my nuts. Is that what you want?
Jackie Q: I'm just saying.
Jackie Q: [sung] One, two, three, four, it's just like comin' in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight, uhh, feels great. A ring, a ring, a ring around my rosy. My little pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, a ring, a ring around my rosy. All the boys in town say I've the prettiest of posies. A ring around my rosy, my pocket's so damn cozy, and my posy, my posy. I'm talking about my asshole.
Sergio Roma: I've got six fuckin' kids! Do you know how many Air Jordans six black kids wear?
Sergio Roma: Where the fuck have you guys been?
Sergio's Security Guard: We went and saw Cher.
Sergio Roma: Cher? How was she?
Sergio's Security Guard: [Dazzled] Amaaaazing!
Aldous Snow: [Lars Ulrich enters scene] Oh, Enter Sandman.
Pharrell Williams: How do I look?
Sergio Roma: Man, lose the pink. It's not gangster.
Pharrell Williams: That's your problem. Everything is gangster with you.
Sergio Roma: The name of the song is "I'm Gangsta!"
Aldous Snow: We're gonna fuck these two girls.
Aaron Green: I just got out of a relationship.
Aldous Snow: Was your ex a blonde or brunette?
Aaron Green: Brunette.
Aldous Snow: Blonde it is.
Sergio Roma: [intense] Time to get our mind-fuck on.
Aldous Snow: What you did was very spiteful, but it was also very brave and very honest and I respect you for doing that. But the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, but it's peppered with hate. Hateful respect.
Aaron Green: I think I just got raped.
Aldous Snow: [handing him a joint] Only one thing to do.
Aaron Green: [taking a hit] Uh, guys? What is this stuff? My heart's going really fast.
Aldous Snow: Oh, it's a bit of this, a bit of that. It's called a Jeffrey. It's mostly weed, with a bit of opium as well... ground-up E's... heroin... Clorox...
Aaron Green: I think I'm having a heart attack.
Aldous Snow: Now I'm just worried about drugs. Your life's to-do list must be a baffling document. You're worried about so many things Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show, will I perform well, will you get the credit you deserve. Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?
Aaron Green: Do you know the lyrics to "African Child"?
Smiling African Drummer: I don't know the lyrics. I just bang the drum and do the African face.
[He shows Aaron his version of playing the African drum]
Aldous Snow: I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, uh, war, and I think it was Darfur, or Zimbabwe, or Rwanda, or one of 'em, and I thought, 'this isn't right, is it?' And I made some phone calls and it turns out, it isn't.
Aaron Green: I feel like I'm in "2 Fast 2 Furious."
Aldous Snow: Your brain is full of lollipops, rainbows, and cheese.
Aaron Green: [has just been injected with adrenaline] I'm alive!
Jonathan Snow: That's the best part about the Jeffrey. It goes away and then it comes back.
Sergio Roma: Shut up. Don't speak.
Sergio Roma: [in a text] Where the fuck are you? I am gonna kill you. Smiley face.
Sergio Roma: You tell him that you loved "African Child."
Jonathan Snow: I'm responsible for your talent, son. I wrote all your songs off the tip of my cock.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, I just don't get how talent can be contained in one's spunk.
Destiny: Wanna sing hairy-oke?
Aldous Snow: This is it, Aaron. This is rock n' roll. Did you enjoy the party?
Sergio Roma: If he tells you to stick the drugs in your ass, you stick them in your ass.
Matty: Man, that opening party was incredible. Check out the pictures on Myspace. There's one of me eating cheese off some girl's titties.
Aaron Green: Please just lie to me and say I didn't miss another awesome party.
Matty: You missed an awesome party. I woke up with glitter on my dick.
Sergio Roma: Go get your Destiny.
Sergio Roma: Where are you? Why haven't you called? I'm calling you right now and I just got hit by a motherfucking car.
Aldous Snow: Aaron, look at what you're wearing. Do you think that now you live in Seattle, you're grunge or something? You look like a lesbian.
Aaron Green: Play the song, man.
Aaron Green: [Aaron has a balloon full of heroin up his ass] Oh, no.
Aldous Snow: What?
Aaron Green: I have to sneeze... and I'm afraid that if I do... my bowels will evacuate...
Aldous Snow: [as he is watching TV] Didn't I have sex with her once?
[Aldous sees Sarah Marshall on TV]
Aldous Snow: Yeah, I did.
Daphne Binks: I want to have a threesome.
Daphne Binks: I can't wait to sit around for 4 days and watch "Gossip Girl."
Limousine Driver in London: Would you like me to take the Chiswick roundabout through Hounslow and Staines?
Aaron Green: What is this, fucking Middle Earth? Just take us to the airport, okay.
Aldous Snow: This is not an appropriate time to say "namaste".
Aldous Snow: Let's get out of this bourgeois shit hole.
Sergio Roma: [in Aaron's hallucination] You lost control motherfucker! Wee! Wee! Look, I'm eating my own head!
Aaron Green: [at a club] What's up man?
Tom Felton: Hey.
Aaron Green: I'm here with Aldous Snow, so we have a table in the back.
Tom Felton: [not interested] Great.
Aaron Green: Feel free to bring Professor Snape. Come by, we'll play some late night Quidditch.
Tom Felton: Just leave it, you...
[walks away]
Aaron Green: Right. Not everyone cares.
Aaron Green: Don't be a bitch dude, Let me get my smoke on.
Daphne Binks: I'm fuckin' psyched.
Aaron Green: I'm not sucking his dick, that's like 100%.
Aldous Snow: [urging Aaron to put drugs up his rectum] Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational, it's not meant to be a hobby, just get it up there. Close the door behind ya.
Aldous Snow: When you hear about someone and then you meet them... That's happening now.
Sergio Roma: You can't outrun me! I'm black!
Aaron Green: Across the mystic desert, is a desert that is mystic.
Aaron Green: Nothing you say makes any sense, I understand that now, you're just a fucking junkie and you're smart so you make your insanity sound, good but its bullshit.
Aaron Green: [Dildo violently rubbed against his face] When's the last time you Purelled that thing?
[sending Aaron a text]
Sergio Roma: Aaron! Where the fuck are you? I'm gonna kill you! Smiley face.
Pharrell Williams: You're five zippers away from "Thriller".
Sergio Roma: Oh, and you're one shirt away from Carlton, muthafucka.
Sergio Roma: Stop smiling like that. You look like an 8 year old who just discovered his first boner.
Aaron Green: ...Well I don't have one so...
Aldous Snow: How's the weather down there?
Jackie Q: Wet.

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