Bertram Pincus is a man whose people skills leave much to be desired. When Pincus dies unexpectedly, but is miraculously revived after seven minutes, he wakes up to discover that he now has the annoying ability to see ghosts.

Hospital Nurse: [after Bertram's colonoscopy] Come back soon.
Bertram Pincus: What a terrible thing to say in a hospital.
Hospital Nurse: When was the last time you ate?
Bertram Pincus: A pertinent question at last. Yesterday, lunchtime. Thanks for asking. I had a tuna sandwich. Toast was soggy, but...
Hospital Nurse: Did you drink the laxative solution?
Bertram Pincus: Yes.
Hospital Nurse: Did it work?
Bertram Pincus: It was as advertised.
Hospital Nurse: Did you evacuate your bowls?
Bertram Pincus: I drank copious amounts of drain-cleaning fluid. What followed was fait accompli.
Hospital Nurse: Sir, what I'm asking is if you were...
Bertram Pincus: I shat. Okay? Good. Again and again. It was like a terrorist attack down there in the darkness and the chaos,the running and the screaming, okay?
Hospital Nurse: Fine with me.
Bertram Pincus: Good.
Bertram Pincus: Gross invasion of my privacy, this.
[last lines]
Gwen: It hurts when I smile...
Bertram Pincus: I can fix that for you.
Bertram Pincus: We live alone, and then we die alone. And apparently, we stay alone.
Hospital Nurse: Date of birth?
Bertram Pincus: Why?
Hospital Nurse: What day were you born?
Bertram Pincus: No, I understood the question. Why do you need to know that?
Hospital Nurse: Let's leave it blank. Weight?
Bertram Pincus: Last night or this morning?
Hospital Nurse: You pick.
Bertram Pincus: Hundred eighty-two pounds.
Hospital Nurse: Number of alcoholic beverages consumed per week?
Bertram Pincus: Why do you need to know that?
Hospital Nurse: Well, they want to know.
Bertram Pincus: Well, I'm sure "they" want to know a lot of things, but I don't want my intimate details auctioned off to the highest bidder, willy-nilly.
Hospital Nurse: I'll put zero. Marital status?
Bertram Pincus: Pass.
Hospital Nurse: Profession?
Bertram Pincus: Irrelevant.
Hospital Nurse: Food allergies?
Bertram Pincus: I'm not going to be eating here.
Hospital Nurse: Are you allergic to sticking plaster?
Bertram Pincus: What a ludicrous question. I'm not answering any more of these, really.
Hospital Nurse: Do you smoke?
Bertram Pincus: Stop it.
Hospital Nurse: Do you wear dentures?
Bertram Pincus: Madame, listen.
Bertram Pincus: [pointing at the dog] When did you get your horse?
Gwen: A couple of months ago. I found him at this shelter in Long Island. They were gonna put him down.
Bertram Pincus: Then they lost their nerve, did they?
Bertram Pincus: Did anything usual happen during my operation?
Surgeon: You... uh... died for seven minutes.
Bertram Pincus: I died! For seven minutes!
Surgeon: We brought you right back. People die all the time.
Bertram Pincus: Yeah, but it's usually just once... at the end.
Dr. Prashar: Dr. Pincus, at some point in your life, you're gonna have to stop and ask yourself the ultimate question.
[Pincus nods curiously]
Dr. Prashar: "This business of... being such a fucking prick, what is it really getting me?" Huh?
Gwen: We just get the one life, you know. Just one. You can't live someone else's or think it's more important just because it's more dramatic. What happens matters. Maybe only to us, but it matters.
Frank Herlihy: [to Bertram about his ability to see ghosts] Everybody needs something done and you're the only person who can see or hear us.
Bertram Pincus: I was dead and now they brought me back. I can... I can...
Frank Herlihy: The dead have a lot of unfinished business, which is why we're still here.
Bertram Pincus: Only floss the teeth that you want to keep.
Bertram Pincus: All work and no play makes Jack- a vital member of society.
[discussing the kind of man they need to romance Gwen]
Frank Herlihy: I was thinking he should be rugged... you know?
Bertram Pincus: No, not rugged... just... approachable...
Frank Herlihy: Really?
Bertram Pincus: ...Round-faced, if anything... and sensitive.
Frank Herlihy: Well, he should at least be tall...
Bertram Pincus: No, no, no he's not.
Frank Herlihy: No?
Bertram Pincus: No, just... average...
Frank Herlihy: Average.
Bertram Pincus: ...Bordering on short.
Frank Herlihy: Hmm...
Frank Herlihy: Good god, you mean *you*!
Gwen: You don't like crowds?
Bertram Pincus: It's not so much the crowd, as the individuals within the crowd.
Bertram Pincus: You lied. Why would you do that?
Frank Herlihy: Because you're a heartless son-of-a-bitch who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but himself. She's already had one of those.
Bertram Pincus: I don't *want* a Sapphire martini up with olives!
Bartender: Well, that narrows it down...
Bertram Pincus: [unwillingly giving hospital nurse personal information] Invasion of my privacy, that's what it is.
Admitting Nurse: Wait'll they get you in the back.
Bertram Pincus: [weakly] I love you!
Gwen: Don't call me!
Surgeon: Not a real people person, are you, Dr. Pincus?
Bertram Pincus: Not really. Given a choice between a few people and loads of people, I choose my cat. She hunts dwarves. She takes them up the tree. They're still alive. You can see their little legs going. Sounds like Norah Jones when she plays the piano.
Bertram Pincus: [seeing Pepe's mummified penis in a jar] Woah! Well, I can see why he was King!
[Gwen laughs]
Bertram Pincus: No, really!
[Gwen laughs]
Bertram Pincus: Well, I can see he died happy...
Gwen: [laughs even harder] Okay, that's enough!
[closes jar]
Bertram Pincus: He must've had huge hands...
Gwen: No, no...
Bertram Pincus: Gwen, I've lived more in the last few days that I've spent with you, since I died, than I ever lived before I died - back when I was living, the first time.
Frank Herlihy: You're a sad little man.
Bertram Pincus: And you're a lying, bigamist, corpse.
Frank Herlihy: No, no, I'm not a bigamist. I'm an adulterer. It's a whole different thing.
[Pincus is about to go talk to Gwen]
Frank Herlihy: You should lose the scrubs.
Bertram Pincus: I'm a dentist - I just came from work. This is what we wear.
Frank Herlihy: Fine...
Bertram Pincus: This is how we do it, baby.
Surgeon: Everybody dies.
Receptionist: [to Dr. Pincus] Okay, my opinion is that you didn't make sense just now.
Gwen: You don't like crowds?
Bertram Pincus: It's not so much the crowd as the individuals in the crowd I don't like.
Bertram Pincus: [batting at smoke] Nice. Fine example for healthcare workers. Still, I suppose smoking serves a purpose. Thins the herd. Weeds out the stupid.
Frank Herlihy: I got to tell you, nobody was more excited than the naked guy.
[about the mummified remains of Pepe]
Bertram Pincus: They even put his penis in a big jar. I mean why... why would they do that?
Gwen: Well... you saw that penis; it wouldn't have fit in a little jar.
Bertram Pincus: [points to Gwen's shoes] Shoes. Your shoes are - comfortable?
Bertram Pincus: Listen, our time together, as we both know, has been rather unpleasant. But I will say this: even though you're a vulgar man - boorish, distasteful, uncouth, uneducated, *stupid* - at least...
[long pause]
Frank Herlihy: You gonna finish?
Bertram Pincus: Done.
Bertram Pincus: Dr. Prashar - you're from a... scary country, right?
Dr. Prashar: ...I'm from India...
Bertram Pincus: But, you're not... Christian, like us?
Dr. Prashar: ...I'm a Hindu...
Bertram Pincus: Yeah. So, um, how would you extract information from a hostile?
Dr. Prashar: Well... as a... Hindu person... I would just... ask him... politely...
Frank Herlihy: [regarding Gwen] You're in love with her.
[Dr. Pincus walks away]
Frank Herlihy: You are.
[sighs, slaps his forehead]
Frank Herlihy: I knew it. That little Grinch heart of yours actually started beating and now you want to take it back to your cave and crush it with a rock. That's what you wanna do.
Bertram Pincus: I quit.
Frank Herlihy: You can't quit. I'll make your life a living hell.
Bertram Pincus: [stares at Frank] It already is.
[Frank walks away]
Frank Herlihy: What's with the doom and gloom? It's goin' good. You're weaseling your way right in there. This is gonna work.
Bertram Pincus: This Richard fellow. I just... I think Gwen really loves him. You know, he's a human rights lawyer.
Frank Herlihy: Hey, when the devil shows up, you think he's gonna have little red horns and carry a pitchfork? No, he's gonna work for Amnesty International, and he's gonna give all his money to the homeless.
Bertram Pincus: Well, if he did all that, wouldn't he lose the title "the devil"?
Frank Herlihy: [sighs] You know what I mean. Pincus, I got better things to do with my time. I wouldn't just be hanging out here.
Bertram Pincus: What exactly is your problem with Richard?
Day Doorman: [Pincus walks through a ghost and sneezes] Bless you.
Bertram Pincus: Oh, God, thank you.
Day Doorman: [he walks through a ghost and sneezes sneezes] Bless you.
Bertram Pincus: Thank you...
Day Doorman: [he does it again] Bless you!
Bertram Pincus: Thank you.
Day Doorman: [again] Bless you.
Bertram Pincus: Bless...
Day Doorman: [again] Bless...
Bertram Pincus: Stop it! If I... if I sneeze again, I'll just assume... it's not you, it's... you can't... it's a little bit you, but it's mostly...
[walks away]

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