Half Baked Quotes
The story of three not so bright men who come up with a series of crazy schemes to get a friend out of jail.
Brian: First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.
Thurgood Jenkins: You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.
Thurgood Jenkins: You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.
Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Kenny: That's it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy.
Kenny: You got it.
Kenny: That's it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy.
Kenny: You got it.
I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker: Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
Thurgood Jenkins: Not really, no.
I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker: You really should. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ"
Thurgood Jenkins: You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that.
Thurgood Jenkins: Not really, no.
I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker: You really should. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ"
Thurgood Jenkins: You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that.
Thurgood Jenkins: The MacGyver smoker is a very handy guy to have around, especially when it comes to reefer.
McGayver Friend: Hey, man, we're out of papers.
McGayver Smoker: All right. Then get me a toilet paper roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.
McGayver Friend: We don't have a corkscrew.
McGayver Smoker: All right. Then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel.
McGayver Smoker: [Friend looks at him funny] Trust me, bro. I've made bongs with less. Hurry up!
McGayver Friend: Hey, man, we're out of papers.
McGayver Smoker: All right. Then get me a toilet paper roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.
McGayver Friend: We don't have a corkscrew.
McGayver Smoker: All right. Then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel.
McGayver Smoker: [Friend looks at him funny] Trust me, bro. I've made bongs with less. Hurry up!
Thurgood Jenkins: You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.
Scarface: Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.
Thurgood Jenkins: Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?
Scarface: I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!
Brian: No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. Yeah!
Scarface: Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.
Thurgood Jenkins: Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?
Scarface: I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!
Brian: No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. Yeah!
Historian Smoker: You know, back in the '60s we used to smoke this shit on the street. Cops didn't say nothin', hell, they was gettin' high, too. Everybody was good. It wasn't a thing to do because it was a thing to do, you know? It was a thing to do because it got you high. Can you dig it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Oh, I feel you, that's why I'm doin' it. I feel you. Man, you're cool as shit, mister. I hate to do it, but I gotta charge you. That's 60 bucks.
Historian Smoker: 60 bucks? Man, I remember when a dimebag cost a dime, you know what I mean?
[pause]
Historian Smoker: You know how much condoms used to cost back in them days?
Thurgood Jenkins: How much?
Historian Smoker: I don't know, we never used 'em.
[both start laughing]
Thurgood Jenkins: Oh, I feel you, that's why I'm doin' it. I feel you. Man, you're cool as shit, mister. I hate to do it, but I gotta charge you. That's 60 bucks.
Historian Smoker: 60 bucks? Man, I remember when a dimebag cost a dime, you know what I mean?
[pause]
Historian Smoker: You know how much condoms used to cost back in them days?
Thurgood Jenkins: How much?
Historian Smoker: I don't know, we never used 'em.
[both start laughing]
Thurgood Jenkins: Smoke-Alot opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters. It was ridiculous, he told me about his lawyer...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: He had sex with my momma! Why?
Thurgood Jenkins: Spirituality...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: God, if you listenin', help!...
Thurgood Jenkins: His bad back...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: The doctor said I need a backiotomy.
Thurgood Jenkins: His love life...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, biatch!
[pushing a girl aside]
Thurgood Jenkins: I mean, talk about a guy with problems.
Sir-Smoke-Alot: He had sex with my momma! Why?
Thurgood Jenkins: Spirituality...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: God, if you listenin', help!...
Thurgood Jenkins: His bad back...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: The doctor said I need a backiotomy.
Thurgood Jenkins: His love life...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, biatch!
[pushing a girl aside]
Thurgood Jenkins: I mean, talk about a guy with problems.
Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch!
Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!
Kenny: Here take it!
[walks away with Squirrel Master]
Kenny: I'm somebody's bitch!
Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!
Kenny: Here take it!
[walks away with Squirrel Master]
Kenny: I'm somebody's bitch!
Brian: [after burying Killer] What happened, man?
Scarface: You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. Samson and his girls came rollin' up in here lookin' for me. 'Cause they said they was gonna mess me up if I didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy. So they probably ruffed The Guy up, then they started going to war with the apartment. They got num-chuks, bolos, they be doin' Indian burns... and Killer paid the price, yo. You know, he got the wrath. He got the wrath of the num-chuks, yo!
Scarface: You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. Samson and his girls came rollin' up in here lookin' for me. 'Cause they said they was gonna mess me up if I didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy. So they probably ruffed The Guy up, then they started going to war with the apartment. They got num-chuks, bolos, they be doin' Indian burns... and Killer paid the price, yo. You know, he got the wrath. He got the wrath of the num-chuks, yo!
