Hollywood Homicide Quotes
Two LAPD detectives who moonlight in other fields investigate the murder of an up-and-coming rap group.
[Opens up Gavilan's burger bag only to find that his cheeseburger has lettuce and mayonnaise, and the meat wasn't done enough]
Joe Gavilan: Hey, you. Come here. I see mayonnaise. Did anybody in this hear me say the word "Mayonnaise"? Read your notes. What does it say? "Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, ketchup, pickle". You call that well done? In addition to the mayonnaise, I see lettuce... Lettuce that somebody tried to scrape off here. This is a disaster. What the hell do they teach you at the Academy anyway? You wanna be a detective when you grow up?
Cheeseburger Cop: Yes, sir.
Joe Gavilan: Don't call me "sir!" I work for a living. Dump this for me please. I expect better.
Joe Gavilan: Hey, you. Come here. I see mayonnaise. Did anybody in this hear me say the word "Mayonnaise"? Read your notes. What does it say? "Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, ketchup, pickle". You call that well done? In addition to the mayonnaise, I see lettuce... Lettuce that somebody tried to scrape off here. This is a disaster. What the hell do they teach you at the Academy anyway? You wanna be a detective when you grow up?
Cheeseburger Cop: Yes, sir.
Joe Gavilan: Don't call me "sir!" I work for a living. Dump this for me please. I expect better.
[Detectives Zino and Jackson showing pictures of Gavilan]
I.A. Detective Zino: That's Gavilan with Marty Wheeler, attorney for the music business, gambling industry. Sleazeball. You know him.
I.A. Detective Jackson: [hands another picture to Bennie] Here's Gavilan drinking on duty. We got photos, date, time stamped.
Lt. Bennie Macko: [turning bored] Yeah, okay, this is not criminal. I need criminal shit.
I.A. Detective Zino: Well, boss, this may not be criminal shit, but, um...
[Det. Jackson hands photos of Bennie ex-wife, Ruby; Bennie chuckles, then turns cross]
Lt. Bennie Macko: What is this?
I.A. Detective Zino: That's Gavilan with Marty Wheeler, attorney for the music business, gambling industry. Sleazeball. You know him.
I.A. Detective Jackson: [hands another picture to Bennie] Here's Gavilan drinking on duty. We got photos, date, time stamped.
Lt. Bennie Macko: [turning bored] Yeah, okay, this is not criminal. I need criminal shit.
I.A. Detective Zino: Well, boss, this may not be criminal shit, but, um...
[Det. Jackson hands photos of Bennie ex-wife, Ruby; Bennie chuckles, then turns cross]
Lt. Bennie Macko: What is this?
[inside Lieutenant Macko's office discussing about Gavlian]
I.A. Detective Zino: Here's what we got on Gavilan so far: First of all, he's still seeing Cleo Ricard. In fact, he saw her earlier today.
Lt. Bennie Macko: God, he does this right in my face. He's just completely defiant.
I.A. Detective Jackson: Yeah, well he's clearly continuing to work her as an informant.
Lt. Bennie Macko: Yeah, I know. That's enough to relieve him of duty right there, but, you know, I don't want him relieved of duty. I want him to hang.
I.A. Detective Zino: Well his financials don't add up. He's paying off three ex-wives. He's got two kids.
Lt. Bennie Macko: He's got two kids in a fancy college. He's got a great, big house. He's got that big stupid car, you know? What about his Real-Estate thing?
I.A. Detective Zino: Well, he hasn't made a sale in ages.
Lt. Bennie Macko: Well, my source tells me he's getting money from somewhere to keep it afloat, so get me more surveillance.
I.A. Detective Zino: Okay.
I.A. Detective Jackson: All righty.
I.A. Detective Zino: Here's what we got on Gavilan so far: First of all, he's still seeing Cleo Ricard. In fact, he saw her earlier today.
Lt. Bennie Macko: God, he does this right in my face. He's just completely defiant.
I.A. Detective Jackson: Yeah, well he's clearly continuing to work her as an informant.
Lt. Bennie Macko: Yeah, I know. That's enough to relieve him of duty right there, but, you know, I don't want him relieved of duty. I want him to hang.
I.A. Detective Zino: Well his financials don't add up. He's paying off three ex-wives. He's got two kids.
Lt. Bennie Macko: He's got two kids in a fancy college. He's got a great, big house. He's got that big stupid car, you know? What about his Real-Estate thing?
I.A. Detective Zino: Well, he hasn't made a sale in ages.
Lt. Bennie Macko: Well, my source tells me he's getting money from somewhere to keep it afloat, so get me more surveillance.
I.A. Detective Zino: Okay.
I.A. Detective Jackson: All righty.
K.C.: Well, what do you think?
Joe Gavilan: Write this down.
[K.C. grabs his pad and pen]
Joe Gavilan: Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, pickle, ketchup. Nothing else.
K.C.: Got it. Officer, it's time to get rolling on some chow. This is what the big dog wants, and I want tomato and cucumber on whole wheat with only mustard and bean sprouts.
Joe Gavilan: Write this down.
[K.C. grabs his pad and pen]
Joe Gavilan: Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, pickle, ketchup. Nothing else.
K.C.: Got it. Officer, it's time to get rolling on some chow. This is what the big dog wants, and I want tomato and cucumber on whole wheat with only mustard and bean sprouts.
Joe Gavilan: This is a set up
[he walks towards the interrogation room mirror]
Joe Gavilan: and it will not hold up.
I.A. Detective Jackson: [talking to K.C] And I'm sure Joe Gavilan is next door right now maintaining complete professional integrity.
Joe Gavilan: [banging against the mirror] And You Know It!
[he walks towards the interrogation room mirror]
Joe Gavilan: and it will not hold up.
I.A. Detective Jackson: [talking to K.C] And I'm sure Joe Gavilan is next door right now maintaining complete professional integrity.
Joe Gavilan: [banging against the mirror] And You Know It!
Lt. Bennie Macko: I've got arrest warrants for Gavlian and Calden right here. Hey, separate them! I don't want them talking to anybody! Nobody talks to them until they get downtown. Christ! Shit!
Leon: Shut up and turn around, Bennie!
Lt. Bennie Macko: What?
Leon: Cuff his ass and take him downtown.
Lt. Bennie Macko: What are you talking about?
[a couple of LAPD cops grab Bennie and arrest him]
Lt. Bennie Macko: [argrly] Get your hands off me, you son-of-a-bitch. You're making a big mistake, pal. You can kiss your career goodbye!
Leon: Good.
Lt. Bennie Macko: [to Detective Zino] Call my lawyer!
Leon: Shut up and turn around, Bennie!
Lt. Bennie Macko: What?
Leon: Cuff his ass and take him downtown.
Lt. Bennie Macko: What are you talking about?
[a couple of LAPD cops grab Bennie and arrest him]
Lt. Bennie Macko: [argrly] Get your hands off me, you son-of-a-bitch. You're making a big mistake, pal. You can kiss your career goodbye!
Leon: Good.
Lt. Bennie Macko: [to Detective Zino] Call my lawyer!
[Joe and K.C. leave the L.A.P.D. Parker Center Station]
Joe Gavilan: What the hell is going on? Did you say anything in there?
K.C.: Of course not. You?
Joe Gavilan: My phone wouldn't stop ringing.
Leon: Joe! K.C.!
Joe Gavilan: This is insane. Can you figure this out?
Leon: [angry] No... but I played my last card buying you a couple of hours, so YOU can figure it out!
Joe Gavilan: What the hell is going on? Did you say anything in there?
K.C.: Of course not. You?
Joe Gavilan: My phone wouldn't stop ringing.
Leon: Joe! K.C.!
Joe Gavilan: This is insane. Can you figure this out?
Leon: [angry] No... but I played my last card buying you a couple of hours, so YOU can figure it out!
[On the phone with a buyer changing his mind about buying a house on Mt. Olympus]
Joe Gavilan: What do you mean you ain't coming? I give you first shot at makin' me an offer on this beautiful four-bedroom Mount Olympus, and you leave me sitting here for two hours and now you tell me you ain't - Hello?
[Hangs up his cell phone]
Joe Gavilan: Shit.
Joe Gavilan: What do you mean you ain't coming? I give you first shot at makin' me an offer on this beautiful four-bedroom Mount Olympus, and you leave me sitting here for two hours and now you tell me you ain't - Hello?
[Hangs up his cell phone]
Joe Gavilan: Shit.
Hank the Bartender: [Hands them their drinks] The doctor's in. Help is on its way.
K.C.: Thanks, Hank. Something wrong, Joe?
Joe Gavilan: What do ya mean, "Something Wrong?"
K.C.: You seem down.
Joe Gavilan: Down? Me?
K.C.: Lately.
Joe Gavilan: We've been partners for what, four months, and now you wanna be my shrink?
K.C.: Sometimes it helps to talk. That's all I'm saying.
Joe Gavilan: All right. Let me paint you a picture. Portrait of Joe Gavilan. Seven, eight years ago, I sold off the results of my entrepreneurial efforts up to that point: Three tanning salons and two original silk-tip nail parlors in the Antelope Valley, and I started attending weekend Real Estate seminars at the Airport Hyatt. You know, "How to Make $1 Million in Real Estate with Very Little Money Down."
K.C.: Sounds good.
Joe Gavilan: Started out with a condo in Sherman Oaks. Slapped some paint on the walls. Refaced the kitchen cabinets. Traded up to a smoke-damaged ranch in Tarzana, then a Spanish on Outpost, and a fake Mediterranean in Los Feliz. Pretty soon, I had everything I've got tied up in this... this monstrosity... on Mt. Olympus, at the corner of Hercules and, I shit you not, Achilles.
K.C.: So what's the problem?
Joe Gavilan: The problem is if I don't score a big commission or get rid of this... piece of shit on Mt. Olympus... well, the word *Titanic* comes to mind.
K.C.: Thanks, Hank. Something wrong, Joe?
Joe Gavilan: What do ya mean, "Something Wrong?"
K.C.: You seem down.
Joe Gavilan: Down? Me?
K.C.: Lately.
Joe Gavilan: We've been partners for what, four months, and now you wanna be my shrink?
K.C.: Sometimes it helps to talk. That's all I'm saying.
Joe Gavilan: All right. Let me paint you a picture. Portrait of Joe Gavilan. Seven, eight years ago, I sold off the results of my entrepreneurial efforts up to that point: Three tanning salons and two original silk-tip nail parlors in the Antelope Valley, and I started attending weekend Real Estate seminars at the Airport Hyatt. You know, "How to Make $1 Million in Real Estate with Very Little Money Down."
K.C.: Sounds good.
Joe Gavilan: Started out with a condo in Sherman Oaks. Slapped some paint on the walls. Refaced the kitchen cabinets. Traded up to a smoke-damaged ranch in Tarzana, then a Spanish on Outpost, and a fake Mediterranean in Los Feliz. Pretty soon, I had everything I've got tied up in this... this monstrosity... on Mt. Olympus, at the corner of Hercules and, I shit you not, Achilles.
K.C.: So what's the problem?
Joe Gavilan: The problem is if I don't score a big commission or get rid of this... piece of shit on Mt. Olympus... well, the word *Titanic* comes to mind.
[inside Lt. Macko's office]
Joe Gavilan: Commingling funds, huh? That's my crime? Commingling? Guilty. My alimony number one comes from money commingled with my beer money. My refinanced car commingled with the short-term loan to keep the second mortgage paid off, commingled with my alimony number three, commingled with every goddamn dime I've got tied up in my Mt. Olympus property. My whole life's commingled.
Lt. Bennie Macko: We'll, I glad you brought up the property on Mt. Olympus. You're attemping to sell it without disclosing you also own it.
Joe Gavilan: This isn't about real estate, is it, Bennie?
Joe Gavilan: Commingling funds, huh? That's my crime? Commingling? Guilty. My alimony number one comes from money commingled with my beer money. My refinanced car commingled with the short-term loan to keep the second mortgage paid off, commingled with my alimony number three, commingled with every goddamn dime I've got tied up in my Mt. Olympus property. My whole life's commingled.
Lt. Bennie Macko: We'll, I glad you brought up the property on Mt. Olympus. You're attemping to sell it without disclosing you also own it.
Joe Gavilan: This isn't about real estate, is it, Bennie?
