Home on the Range

Home on the Range Quotes

To save their farm, the resident animals go bounty hunting for a notorious outlaw.

Mrs. Calloway: It's Buck.
Maggie: Stallion of the Cim-MORON.
Maggie: Yeah, they're real, quit staring!
Lucky Jack: Ha! Bovine bounty hunters! Now I've seen everything.
Grace: [on Buck] Definitely bi-polar.
Maggie: [to Mrs. Calloway] We'd better get to the town quickly. The vultures are circling.
Maggie: [to vultures about Grace's singing] Hey, she's not dying!
Vulture: You sure? We could wait around!
Maggie: We'll keep you posted!
Vulture: [to other vulture] Sorry Clem. False alarm!
Alameda Slim: It ain't over 'til the fat man sings!
Maggie: It's payback time! Cover me!
Grace: With what?
Maggie: All right, what part of "cover me" didn't we understand?
Rico: Lord of mercy. Is this the end of Rico?
Alameda Slim: And judging from the notches on the ears, I'd say this is the last of Big Mike Donald's herd.
Willie Brother #1: Big Mike Donald had a farm?
The Willie Brothers: Ee-ai, ee-ai...
[Slim hits the Willies]
The Willie Brothers: [groaning] Ohhhh.
Buck: You think you got the drop on me? Well, think again!
Mrs. Calloway: Maggie, may I be frank?
Maggie: Only if you let me wear the hat.
Maggie: Look, we don't eat meat. It's kind a professional courtesy.
Maggie: You go, cow girl.
Buck: Rusty! Rico's saddle! I'm wearing Rico's saddle! I'm wearing Rico's saddle!
Rusty, the Dog: Great, I'll leave you two alone.
Grace: [to a bull] Let me guess, you're a Taurus?
Buck: It's hero time.
Maggie: Last one to the barn sleeps standing up!
Buck: Hey! Jump back, kiss myself!
Buck: Say, girls... got milk?
Alameda Slim: Um, Gil? Am I correct in assuming that each and every time we brought a herd back to this secret lair, you've managed to sit in the exact same spot, blocking that choice piece of property from my view?
Willie Brother #1: Yeah? This is my comfy place.
Piggy: Gee, you're the biggest cow I've ever saw!
Maggie: Well, if you're in charge, I'll take that as a compliment.
Piggy: Uh...
Maggie: If not, I guess I'm just gonna have to sit on you.
Piggy: Mom!
Grace: What kind of sheriff's office was that?
Mrs. Calloway: Saloon girls? Gambling? How does he ever get any work done?
Maggie: If that's the sheriff's office, this town rocks!
Grace: [singing badly off key] She'll be coming 'round the mountain she'll be coming 'round the mountain, she'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes...
Maggie: She'd better hurry up around that mountain, 'cause I can't take this much longer.
Maggie: [to Piggy] Here, have an apple, kid. Don't go near any luaus, though.
Maggie: [to Buck] Well, if it isn't the Phony Express.
Maggie: Cattle drive. Told ya. You both owe me a dollar.
Maggie: Hey, thanks, everybody! It's great to be here in Patch o' Heaven! Now don't everybody speak at one time!
[silence]
Maggie: What is this, the frozen food section?
Grace: Maggie is some fun, isn't she?
Mrs. Calloway: [scoffing] Teaching pigs to throw food. As if they weren't sloppy enough.
Lucky Jack: Folks used to call me Lucky Jack. They came from miles around just to get a look at my lucky rabbit's foot.
[Notices his peg-leg is on fire]
Lucky Jack: Dagnabit!
[puts out fire]
Lucky Jack: Happens all the time.
Audrey: You wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts!
Jeb: Well, I think we all know what happens now!
Mrs. Calloway: Jeb, don't start!
Jeb: Now we all get eaten!
Mrs. Calloway: Jeb!
Audrey: But who would eat a chicken?
Buck: So long, sucker! He must be taking stupid lessons from that buffalo.
[Junior the buffalo snorts down Buck's neck]
Buck: Uh-oh.
Wesley: I gave up clown college for this?
Maggie: I got it! Why don't we go nab that Alameda Slim and use the reward money to save the farm?
Mrs. Calloway: Oh, that *is* a sensible idea.
Maggie: I knew you'd love it!
Mrs. Calloway: Don't they have sarcasm where you come from?
Mrs. Calloway: Step lightly, girls! The male of the species can be extremely hostile.
Willie Brother #1: Maybe they jus' didn't like yer singin'?
Alameda Slim: [anger steadily rising] My "singin'"? Birds *sing.* Saloon girls *sing.* Little bitty snot nosed children *sing.* I yodel, and yodelin'... is an *art!*
Alameda Slim: Call me crazy, but I think these cows got it in for me!
Grace: Now, let's not play the shame and blame game. This is an organic problem, and there's a holistic solution.
Jeb: You don't get this whole farm concept, do you, sister?
Barry & Bob, the Longhorns: Don't worry, darlin'. I'll protect you.
Mrs. Calloway: You've got exactly 2 seconds to remove your hoof before I snap it off at the knee.
Barry & Bob, the Longhorns: Oh, sorry ma'am, I thought you were the blonde...
[Mrs. Calloway smacks him off-screen]
Alameda Slim: Okay, boys, let's go over this one more time. Who am I?
Willie Brother #1: Uncle Slim?
Alameda Slim: Correct! Now, I put on this hat, and then I put on these spectacles...
Willie Brother #1: Ahh! Who are you?
Willie Brother #2: What have you done with Uncle Slim?
Alameda Slim: Arrgghh! It's still me! Can't you dumb sack of hammers get it right?

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