Horrible Bosses

Horrible Bosses Quotes

Three friends conspire to murder their awful bosses when they realize they are standing in the way of their happiness.

Detective Hagan: Do you want to explain why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone? One block from the victims house. Just moments after he got shot dead.
Nick Hendricks: I was drag racing. I'm a drag racer.
Detective Samson: You were drag racing.
Nick Hendricks: [nods]
Detective Samson: In a Prius.
Nick Hendricks: I don't win a lot.
Kurt Buckman: [last lines - out take] Wouldn't mind bending her over a barrel and showing her the fifty states, right?
Nick Hendricks: I don't know what that means.
Kurt Buckman: It's a phrase.
Nick Hendricks: I don't know think so.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah it is. Certainly it is. Definitely it is.
Nick Hendricks: Really?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it's from a movie.
Nick Hendricks: [negative head shake] uh, uh.
Kurt Buckman: It is now.
[looking into camera]
Nick Hendricks: Beautiful.
[winks at the camera]
Dale Arbus: [Dale finally has leverage on Julia] This is what's gonna happen. I'm going to take a two-week-long, very expensive holiday with my fiancee. Let's call it a honeymoon. And YOU'RE going to pay for it! Then I'm going to return to a nice, rape-free workplace from now on. Because if you so much as LOOK at my *sexy little ass*, Julia, I will have yours *locked the fuck up* you CRAZY BITCH WHORE! Man, that felt GOOD!
Kurt Buckman: Are you a businessman?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Yeah. Motherfucker Jones.
Dean 'MF' Jones, Kurt Buckman: [shake hands] What's that?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Motherfucker Jones.
Dale Arbus: Your first name is... Motherfucker?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Not "motherfucker". "Motherfuckah". White people say "-er", Negroes say "fuck-ah". You say "er", I say "ah".
Kurt Buckman: [after seeing a picture of Harken's Wife] I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states.
Dave Harken: Life is a marathon and you cannot win a marathon without putting a few bandaids on your nipples!
Kurt Buckman: C'mon! Let's do this! Think about Gam-Gam! Wouldn't she want her favorite grandson to be happy?
Nick Hendricks: She wouldn't want me to kill him.
Kurt Buckman: You gotta forget about Gam-Gam. She's dead. Move on.
Dale Arbus: [about Bobby Pellitt] Why would you put his whole bathroom in your ass?
Kurt Buckman: I didn't know I had DNA in my butt!
Dale Arbus: You're lying! You *know* there's DNA in your butt! You just like shoving shit in your ass, you fucking pervert!
Nick Hendricks: We are lawyering up, man. That's it.
Dale Arbus: I don't have money for a lawyer, okay! I bought a very expensive ring that I can't afford, then I gave the rest of my motherfucking money to Motherfucker Jones!
Kurt Buckman: That's who we should talk to.
Nick Hendricks: Sure. Why not? He's covered us this far, right? Five grand?
Dale Arbus: Five thousand... forty, with the briefcase.
Kurt Buckman, Nick Hendricks: Shut the fuck up about that case!
Dale Arbus: [walks into Julia's office, notices she is wearing nothing but heels, panties and her white jacket covering her breasts] Oh, shit!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [pushes a lock button on her desk to prevent Dale from leaving]
Dale Arbus: Uh, oh.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [motions to the chair] Will you have a seat, Dale?
Dale Arbus: Do I have to?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Please.
Dale Arbus: Sure.
[slowly and awkwardly takes his seat]
Dale Arbus: This is a little ridiculous, but...
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Look, Dale, you know... I know I like to fool around at work, right? And I might even, you know, I might even cross the line a bit. But the last thing I wanna do is-is make you uncomfortable. I mean, it's just not professional, you know? And I pride myself on being a professional. So from now on, what I would like you to do is just tell me, you know... when and if, uh, I cross the line. Okay?
Dale Arbus: Okay. Now.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: Well, now, you're kinda crossing a line... because you're naked.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Uh... I'm not naked, Dale. Can you *see* my pussy?
Dale Arbus: [nervously] Hmm... true. Um... but I think, uh, even really saying the word..."pussy", that's...
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: That's crossing the line?
Dale Arbus: Little bit.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're starting to sound like a little faggot there, Dale.
Dale Arbus: There we go! That one's another one. Probably illegal thing to say, too.
Kurt Buckman: Your father told me very clearly that he would rather die than save money and hurt people.
Bobby Pellitt: Well guess what, looks like we're right on schedule then.
Bobby Pellitt: You're three hours late. What's the deal?
Kurt Buckman: I was at your father's funeral.
Bobby Pellitt: Uh huh. Well, maybe that excuse would have flown when my dad was here, but I'm in charge now.
Dale Arbus: [Talking to man on NavGuide] Hey I always wondered these kinds of things, but is your real name Gregory?
Atmanand: [in Indian accent] Um, no, sir. Standard NavGuide protocol is to use names American people find easy to pronounce. My real name is Atmanand.
Kurt Buckman: You know what, buddy, I'm not gonna play by the rules. I'm gonna call you Akmantad.
Nick Hendricks: Atmonent.
Atmanand: [slowly pronouncing] At-man-and.
Kurt Buckman: I'm just gonna call you Gregory cuz that name is a fuckin' nightmare, buddy, let me tell you.
Bobby Pellitt: You know what, I don't hear you giving... dickskin any shit.
Kurt Buckman: Dickskin? Nice.
Bobby Pellitt: Kiss ass.
Jack Pellit: Come on, come on.
Bobby Pellitt: Yeah, go on, in you go. Go on Gay boy!
Kurt Buckman: I'm not gay!
Bobby Pellitt: Please. I've seen gay boys. You're one of them.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, where'd you see them.
Bobby Pellitt: In your house! Get in! I'm a green belt, motherfucker!
Dean 'MF' Jones: First thing first, we gotta handle business.
Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm.
Dean 'MF' Jones: I need five thousand dollars.
Kurt Buckman: No!
Dale Arbus: No!
Nick Hendricks: There's gonna be no more money.
Dale Arbus: No!
Dean 'MF' Jones: Two thousand?
Dale Arbus: No.
Nick Hendricks: Absolutely not.
Kurt Buckman: No way, Motherfucker. No.
Dean 'MF' Jones: [sighs in defeat] All right, look... pay for my drinks.
Dale Arbus: Pay for his drinks? Yeah.
[to Nick]
Dale Arbus: Pay for his drinks.
Nick Hendricks: I'll do that.
Dale Arbus: Not a very good negotiator.
Nick Hendricks: I'm such a sucker! Harken was never gonna promote me...
Kurt Buckman: That coked up prick is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everybody!
Dale Arbus: She stood there with her breasts, right in my face!
Kurt Buckman: ...Y'know, yours doesn't sound that bad.
Bobby Pellitt: I'm a green belt, motherfucker!
Dale Arbus: You don't put a playground next to a bar. That's entrapment.
Dale Arbus: Why did you put his entire bathroom in your ass?
Kurt Buckman: Technically, I think it's immoral not to kill him.
[first lines]
Nick Hendricks: I get to work before the sun comes up, and I leave long after it's gone down. I haven't had sex in 6 months with someone other than myself. And the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime. Could be a kiwi, no way to tell.
Dale Arbus: [after Julia just showed him pictures of her cavorting him while he was unconscious] Rape. Rape, rape, this is what raping is. You're a raper, you've raped me. That's a rape! RAPE!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oh, just relax there, Jodie Foster. Your dick wasn't even hard.
Dale Arbus: That does not give me any relief.
Kurt Buckman: You don't fucking punch the driver!
Nick Hendricks: Yeah, you don't punch the driver, man.
Dale Arbus: I'm coked out of my fucking head, I can punch whoever I want to!
Nick Hendricks: Where were you during the murder?
Kurt Buckman: I was making love. I was making love to a woman. You know... murdering some ass.
Dale Arbus: So you took the penis foods as an invitation to fuck her?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [after spraying Dale's crotch with water] Well Shabbat Shalom, somebody's circumcised!
Dale Arbus: What is "deliberately" undressed. You accidentally get undressed?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're gonna give me that dong, Dale.
Dale Arbus: What?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You are going to fuck my slutty little mouth.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Are you gonna slap me in the face with your cock?
Dave Harken: Listen to me, you stupid little runt. I OWN YOU. You're my BITCH! So don't walk around here thinking you have free will because you DON'T. I can break you anytime I want!
Dale Arbus: No one's going to pay you to be a husband, unless you marry Oprah.
[out take]
Kurt Buckman: [in reference to Bobby's house] This place is awful. It's like The Sharper Image took a shit in here.
Dave Harken: [to cops] Please protect me from them! I have a wife - and a cat!
Wetwork Man: Are you kidding me? I've driven all this way and nobody wants to get pissed on?
Nick Hendricks: I don't have sleeve gloves.
Kurt Buckman: Oh shit! I broke a rock!
Nick Hendricks: [narrating] Strangely enough, lucky for Kurt, there's no laws on the books against putting people's toiletries up your ass.
Nick Hendricks: Okay, we're following a strange guy into a dark corner.
Kurt Buckman: I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the 50 states.
Dale Arbus: Your ad said you do wetwork.
Wetwork Man: That is correct. I urinate on other men for money. Why else do you think my ad was in the "men seeking men" section?
Kurt Buckman: [to Dale] You fucking idiot!
Dale Arbus: We are MEN looking for another man!

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