How to Steal a Million

How to Steal a Million Quotes

Romantic comedy about a woman who must steal a statue from a Paris museum to help conceal her father's art forgeries, and the man who helps her.

Nicole Bonnet: Your arm is much better.
Simon Dermott: Oh no no, it hurts, it hurts.
Nicole Bonnet: It's the other arm.
Simon Dermott: The infection is spreading.
[Nicole describes the burglar to her Papa]
Nicole Bonnet: Well, it was pitch dark and there he was. Tall, blue eyes, slim, quite good-looking... in a brutal, mean way, Papa. A terrible man!
Nicole Bonnet: I can't drive a stolen car!
Simon Dermott: Same principle, four gears forward, one reverse.
Simon Dermott: [to Nicole, in the museum] Okay, you're the boss. Just do as I tell you.
[Evaluating Nicole's cleaning-woman costume]
Simon Dermott: Yes, that's fine. That does it.
Nicole Bonnet: Does what?
Simon Dermott: Well, for one thing, it gives Givenchy a night off.
Simon Dermott: Why must it be this particular work of art?
Nicole Bonnet: You don't think I'd steal something that didn't belong to me, do you?
Simon Dermott: Excuse me, I spoke without thinking.
Nicole Bonnet: I didn't want to keep you waiting, so I got engaged to him. Is it alright? Am I on time?
Simon Dermott: Perfectly. In fact, we have ten more minutes, so if you want to go back and marry him?
Nicole Bonnet: I feel like I'm going to faint!
Simon Dermott: Don't, there's no room.
Simon Dermott: I want you to take a long look at the trees, the blue sky, and the river, all of which I personally loathe, which is why a juicy stretch in a French prison doesn't bother me at all.
Nicole Bonnet: For a burglar you're not very brave, are you?
Simon Dermott: I'm a society burglar. I don't expect people to rush about shooting me!
Simon Dermott: [reviving Nicole from her faint] I'm the one that's bleeding!
Nicole Bonnet: [stuck in the closet with Simon] I didn't think there'd be this much togetherness.
Simon Dermott: Well, it's the height of the tourist season. Everything was book up. It was the best I could do.
Nicole Bonnet: [Simon has opened the door] Marvelous!
Simon Dermott: No applause, please.
Simon Dermott: [about to see Nicole to a taxi] Just one more tiny favour: like an idiot I forgot to wear gloves on the job. I may have left some fingerprints. Be an angel. Before you go to bed, just give the frame of the painting a little wipe with a clean cloth, ok?
Nicole Bonnet: Certainly. Anything else? You wouldn't like a forged passport or some counterfeit money or...
Simon Dermott: Oh, no no no.
Nicole Bonnet: You're mad. Utterly mad. I suppose you want to kiss me goodnight?
Simon Dermott: Oh, I don't usually, not on the first acquaintance, but you've been such a good sport...
[he kisses her, she resists at first, than yields]
Simon Dermott: [to the taxi driver] 38, Rue Parmentier, drive carefully.
[to Nicole]
Simon Dermott: Get a good night's sleep.
Simon Dermott: There's the bathroom, take off your clothes.
Nicole Bonnet: Are we planning the same sort of crime?
Simon Dermott: It's National Crime Prevention Week. Take a burglar to dinner.
Nicole Bonnet: Don't be such a baby, it's only a flesh wound!
Simon Dermott: Happens to be my flesh.
Charles Bonnet: Don't you know that in his lifetime Van Gogh only sold one painting? While I, in loving memory of his tragic genius, have already sold two.
Charles Bonnet: This tall, good-looking ruffian with blue eyes, he didn't, er, molest you in any way, did he?
[Nicole is staring off dreamily]
Charles Bonnet: Well, did he?
Nicole Bonnet: Not much.
Simon Dermott: [crazy Senor Paravideo comes as Nicole and Simon are leaving] Who's that?
Nicole Bonnet: [obviously lying] Papa's cousin... from South America!
Simon Dermott: You know for someone who started lying recently, you're showing a real flair!
Nicole Bonnet: Oh thank you!
[she hugs him]
Simon Dermott: Our telephones may be tapped, so I'll conduct this entire conversation in Swahili. How are you?
Nicole Bonnet: I keep telling you, Papa, when you sell a fake masterpiece, that is a crime!
Charles Bonnet: But I don't sell them to poor people, only to millionaires.
Simon Dermott: Where precisely were you in the early part of the sixteenth century?
Nicole Bonnet: I don't know but that's not how I was dressed.
Charles Bonnet: I doubt very much if Van Gogh himself would have gone through so much trouble.
Nicole Bonnet: He didn't have to. He was Van Gogh!
Simon Dermott: [bumping into Nicole at the museum] Good morning! We meet under the most artistic circumstances.
Nicole Bonnet: All right, where to?
Simon Dermott: The Ritz.
Nicole Bonnet: The what?
Simon Dermott: The Hotel Ritz. It's in the Place Vendôme.
Nicole Bonnet: I know where it is. You're a very chic burglar.
Simon Dermott: [nodding his head in a agreement] Mmmhmmm.
Nicole Bonnet: You really are the smuggest and most hateful man.
Simon Dermott: [regarding the Venus] It's a fake, isn't it?
Nicole Bonnet: I...
Simon Dermott: No long drawn out stories at this time of night. Just simply nod your head yes or no.
Simon Dermott: [after leaving a book with some coins inside] Watch for normal human reactions!
Nicole Bonnet: [seeing Simon eye the Venus] You wouldn't dare!
Simon Dermott: Fear not. I'm off duty.
Simon Dermott: GO!
[pauses]
Simon Dermott: And meet me at the museum at five-thirty sharp. And don't ask me why or I'll hit you with a bucket!
Charles Bonnet: My dirt!
Simon Dermott: [being introduced to the museum head] Miss Bonnet and I are old friends. We used to shoot together.
Simon Dermott: Look, it's early, why don't I show you the real Paris?
Nicole Bonnet: That's very kind of you, but I live here; I was born in Paris.
Simon Dermott: Oh, that's right, I forgot. Well why don't you show me the real Paris.
Simon Dermott: [about the Cellini Venus] Oh! She's fine. She's wrapped up in one of my old shirts, just as snug as could be. I rocked her to sleep in my arms last night. It's the first time I ever did that with a grandmother.
Simon Dermott: Yours is a capricious nature. Do you always blow hot and cold like this?
Nicole Bonnet: Papa, I caught a burglar!
Charles Bonnet: Of course you did!
Simon Dermott: Why don't you wait till you get it home and steal it then? No muss, no fuss, just a nice clean inside job? I'd be happy to offer my services.
Simon Dermott: I tossed a coin on the way over. *You* lost.
Simon Dermott: I know about their so called tests.
Nicole Bonnet: Papa, they aren't so called they are!
Simon Dermott: [Nicole screeches to a hault in Simon's hotel garage] Well, we made it here alive.
Simon Dermott: That thing isn't loaded is it?
Nicole Bonnet: Course it is.
[cocks the gun]
Nicole Bonnet: Are you armed?
Nicole Bonnet: I would like to remind you, Mr. Dermott; ours is a business relationship.
Nicole Bonnet: [having just driven Simon home] Now how do I get home?
Simon Dermott: You see, you never can tell when you might need a friend.
Simon Dermott: There's the bathroom. Take off your clothes.
Nicole Bonnet: Are we planning the same sort of crime?
Simon Dermott: You're quite safe. It's dress rehearsal time. That's why we bought all this lovely junk.
Charles Bonnet: American millionaires must be all quite mad. Perhaps it's something they put in the ink when they print the money.
Nicole Bonnet: Is this how you normally work, by the mile?
Simon Dermott: I'm thinking. Look at my forehead: all wrinkled!
Insurance Clerk: By the way sir, would you like to be present at the technical examination?
Nicole Bonnet, Charles Bonnet: Tech-technical examination?
Nicole Bonnet: [staring to change into her disguise] Turn around.
Simon Dermott: What for?
[realizing what she means]
Simon Dermott: They go on over the clothes!
Simon Dermott: [regarding his wound] This should keep me out of action for a week!
Charles Bonnet: [describing Nicole's grandmother who posed for the Venus] Naturally that was before she started eating those enormous lunches.
Simon Dermott: [after telling Nicole he won't help her] Oh don't you dare cry!
Nicole Bonnet: I"m not I've got something in my eye!
Simon Dermott: There's nothing wrong with your eye. You're crying to try and soften me up.
Nicole Bonnet: It's not true!
Simon Dermott: It won't work. I'm too tough!
Nicole Bonnet: [to Davis Leland] I'm sorry you fell in love with the Venus, but she's not for sale! But believe me if she were mine she'd be on your doorstep in the morning!
Nicole Bonnet: Indian wrestling at a time like this?
Charles Bonnet: What have I done? I've given the world a precious opportunity of studying and viewing the Cellini Venus.
Nicole Bonnet: Which is not by Cellini!
Charles Bonnet: Ahh, labels, labels. It's working with the Americans that's given you this obsession with labels and brand names. I wish you'd give up that ridiculous job.
Nicole Bonnet: Oh dear havens. I'll call you a taxi! And pay for it is that alright!
Simon Dermott: That's fine. However, if the police find my car parked outside your house. It could mean questions. I'm wanted you know.
Nicole Bonnet: Alright, I'll drive you home, is that alright?

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