It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World Quotes
The dying words of a thief spark a madcap cross-country rush to find some treasure.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant at offering any criticism whatever of any other.
J. Russell Finch: Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear of anything that could be said FOR it. Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself, and the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis, while their women sit under hairdryers, eating chocolates and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all my time in this wretched Godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like that if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.
J. Russell Finch: Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear of anything that could be said FOR it. Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself, and the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis, while their women sit under hairdryers, eating chocolates and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all my time in this wretched Godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like that if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.
Lennie Pike: Then what happens next? I'll tell you what happens: Then they all decide that I'm supposed to get a smaller share! That I'm somebody extra special stupid, or something! That they don't even care if it's a democracy! And in a democracy, it don't matter how stupid you are, you still get an equal share!
Sylvester Marcus: [into a phone] Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me... Where are you?
Mrs. Marcus: [into the phone] I'm with this truck driver at Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City. And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened!
Sylvester Marcus: Now listen, Mommy, you listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you right now, Mom.
Mrs. Marcus: Will you SHUT UP AND LISTEN?
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, it's all right. Everything's gonna be all right, Mama. Your baby's coming to get ya. You just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy.
Mrs. Marcus: [On the phone and the camera's still on Sylvester] Sylvester...
Sylvester Marcus: I'm coming to get you, Mom!
Mrs. Marcus: [On the phone and the camera's still on Sylvester] ... shut up and let me talk...
Sylvester Marcus: [At the same time, while Mrs. Marcus is speaking] Everything is gonna be all right!
[Hangs up]
Lennie Pike: Well?
Mrs. Marcus: So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be all right!"
Mrs. Marcus: [to Emmeline] Exactly like your father: a big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!
Mrs. Marcus: [into the phone] I'm with this truck driver at Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City. And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened!
Sylvester Marcus: Now listen, Mommy, you listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you right now, Mom.
Mrs. Marcus: Will you SHUT UP AND LISTEN?
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, it's all right. Everything's gonna be all right, Mama. Your baby's coming to get ya. You just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy.
Mrs. Marcus: [On the phone and the camera's still on Sylvester] Sylvester...
Sylvester Marcus: I'm coming to get you, Mom!
Mrs. Marcus: [On the phone and the camera's still on Sylvester] ... shut up and let me talk...
Sylvester Marcus: [At the same time, while Mrs. Marcus is speaking] Everything is gonna be all right!
[Hangs up]
Lennie Pike: Well?
Mrs. Marcus: So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be all right!"
Mrs. Marcus: [to Emmeline] Exactly like your father: a big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!
Mrs. Marcus: Now for the last time. Are we calling Sylvester or not?
J. Russell Finch: No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It's because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to become a crook!
J. Algernon Hawthorne: I say: *Good show*!
J. Russell Finch: No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It's because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to become a crook!
J. Algernon Hawthorne: I say: *Good show*!
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [answering phone] : Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?
Ginger Culpeper: It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend, Oscar, was supposed to come down here from Pomona just to meet us. So now, she called him and told him we were goin' away.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Well, what's the matter?
Ginger Culpeper: You keep forgetting if a girl is six-feet-five inches tall, she's bound to have special problems. They had some argument and then, they started screaming at each other. And now, the whole engagement's off, and she says she's leaving.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Leaving what? Leaving home? Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.
Ginger Culpeper: I'll try. Just a minute.
[to Billie Sue]
Ginger Culpeper: Talk to your father.
Billie Sue Culpeper: I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever!
Ginger Culpeper: Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.
Ginger Culpeper: It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend, Oscar, was supposed to come down here from Pomona just to meet us. So now, she called him and told him we were goin' away.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Well, what's the matter?
Ginger Culpeper: You keep forgetting if a girl is six-feet-five inches tall, she's bound to have special problems. They had some argument and then, they started screaming at each other. And now, the whole engagement's off, and she says she's leaving.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Leaving what? Leaving home? Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.
Ginger Culpeper: I'll try. Just a minute.
[to Billie Sue]
Ginger Culpeper: Talk to your father.
Billie Sue Culpeper: I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever!
Ginger Culpeper: Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.
J. Russell Finch: You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "Thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago.
[Hawthorne screeches to a stop]
J. Russell Finch: What are you stopping for?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Get out of this machine.
J. Russell Finch: Get out? You can't...
J. Algernon Hawthorne: It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well please. Out!
J. Russell Finch: I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Glad to hear you say so.
[Hawthorne screeches to a stop]
J. Russell Finch: What are you stopping for?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Get out of this machine.
J. Russell Finch: Get out? You can't...
J. Algernon Hawthorne: It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well please. Out!
J. Russell Finch: I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Glad to hear you say so.
Melville Crump: Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.
Ding Bell: Listen, Dentist: I *hate* dentists! And I hate *you* so much, that I'm not able to *tell* you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!
Benjy Benjamin: And visa versa.
Melville Crump: [enraged] Why you... Come on over here!
[Ding and Benji run]
Melville Crump: COME ON over *here*!
Ding Bell: Listen, Dentist: I *hate* dentists! And I hate *you* so much, that I'm not able to *tell* you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!
Benjy Benjamin: And visa versa.
Melville Crump: [enraged] Why you... Come on over here!
[Ding and Benji run]
Melville Crump: COME ON over *here*!
Otto Meyer: I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us...
[to Captain Culpeper]
Otto Meyer: what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I don't think you have to worry too much about that. My wife is divorcing me, my mother-in-law is suing me for damages, my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed, my pension has been revoked. And the only reason that you 10 idiots will very LIKELY get off LIGHTLY, is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at!
Third Cab Driver: [sarcastically] Oh, that's tough. Oh ho ho ho.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there'd be something I could laugh at... Anything.
[to Captain Culpeper]
Otto Meyer: what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I don't think you have to worry too much about that. My wife is divorcing me, my mother-in-law is suing me for damages, my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed, my pension has been revoked. And the only reason that you 10 idiots will very LIKELY get off LIGHTLY, is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at!
Third Cab Driver: [sarcastically] Oh, that's tough. Oh ho ho ho.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there'd be something I could laugh at... Anything.
Tyler Fitzgerald: Anybody can fly plane, now here: I'll check you out. Put your little hands on the wheel there. Now put your feet on the rudder. There. Who says this ol' boy can't fly this ol' plane? Now I'm gonna make us some Old Fashioneds the old-fashioned way - the way dear old Dad used to!
Benjy Benjamin: What if something happens?
Tyler Fitzgerald: What could happen to an Old Fashioned?
Benjy Benjamin: What if something happens?
Tyler Fitzgerald: What could happen to an Old Fashioned?
Benjy Benjamin: Look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and every time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!
Ding Bell: So good luck, and may the best man win!
Benjy Benjamin: [to Mrs. Marcus] Right! Except you,lady. May you just drop dead!
Lennie Pike: All right, all right, we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this thing. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, there's enough for you, and for me, and for you, and there's enough for...
[they all race to their cars]
Ding Bell: So good luck, and may the best man win!
Benjy Benjamin: [to Mrs. Marcus] Right! Except you,lady. May you just drop dead!
Lennie Pike: All right, all right, we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this thing. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, there's enough for you, and for me, and for you, and there's enough for...
[they all race to their cars]
Police Chief Aloysius: [to Captain Culpeper] It's no. The answer is no. He won't back any increase in pensions. He won't even talk about it. And there won't be any increase in pensions. And do you know why? Because they got a solid majority of both Republicans and Democrats who've agreed that if anything is said about pensions, they'll actually reduce your pension! Why? Because they know that you personally were more responsible than anybody else for closing down the houses. And could I do anything? Would he listen to me? Hah! All right. So you're an honest cop. And you've spent a lifetime being an honest cop. And you've got that, and that's all you've got! It's no good saying I'm sorry. I'm too angry and sick at my stomach to be sorry.
[Pike and Sylvester are digging into a hole that suddenly becomes too close]
Sylvester Marcus: Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room, Man, you're bugging me. You're bugging me.
Lennie Pike: What are you talking about 'bugging'?
Sylvester Marcus: Cut out, cut out.
Lennie Pike: What's this 'cut out' talk?
Sylvester Marcus: Out, baby. Out, baby. Out!
Lennie Pike: Don't call me a baby!
All: Would you just get out? Get on with it!
Sylvester Marcus: Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room, Man, you're bugging me. You're bugging me.
Lennie Pike: What are you talking about 'bugging'?
Sylvester Marcus: Cut out, cut out.
Lennie Pike: What's this 'cut out' talk?
Sylvester Marcus: Out, baby. Out, baby. Out!
Lennie Pike: Don't call me a baby!
All: Would you just get out? Get on with it!
Sylvester Marcus: [Benji and Dingy run by] Who are they?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: From this morning?
Mrs. Marcus: Yes.
Sylvester Marcus: [Captain Culpeper goes by] Who is he?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: [Otto Meyer runs by] Who is he?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing?
[the two cab drivers run by]
Sylvester Marcus: Who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing is like a convention.
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: From this morning?
Mrs. Marcus: Yes.
Sylvester Marcus: [Captain Culpeper goes by] Who is he?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: [Otto Meyer runs by] Who is he?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing?
[the two cab drivers run by]
Sylvester Marcus: Who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing is like a convention.
Melville Crump: Look, why don't we just start digging for it?
J. Russell Finch: Well suppose someone comes along? What do we tell them?
Monica Crump: Well, we could tell them that we're here on an archeological expedition.
Melville Crump: [annoyed] Aah!
Sylvester Marcus: We don't tell them anything. We tell them to hit the road or we beat their brains in!
J. Russell Finch: Well suppose someone comes along? What do we tell them?
Monica Crump: Well, we could tell them that we're here on an archeological expedition.
Melville Crump: [annoyed] Aah!
Sylvester Marcus: We don't tell them anything. We tell them to hit the road or we beat their brains in!
J. Russell Finch: Lets stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!
J. Russell Finch: [smiling] yeah.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!
J. Russell Finch: [smiling] yeah.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: [Russell takes a swing at him and misses] So it's fisticuffs you want, is it? Right, stick 'em up!
J. Russell Finch: Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
[Hawthorne chases him around the car, until the two bump into one another]
J. Algernon Hawthorne: [looks at his arm] Blood!
J. Russell Finch: It certainly is.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Aah!
[Russell swings at him again]
J. Russell Finch: [Hawthorne runs] Come back here, ya blimey...!
J. Russell Finch: Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
[Hawthorne chases him around the car, until the two bump into one another]
J. Algernon Hawthorne: [looks at his arm] Blood!
J. Russell Finch: It certainly is.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Aah!
[Russell swings at him again]
J. Russell Finch: [Hawthorne runs] Come back here, ya blimey...!
Tyler Fitzgerald: You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some old fashioneds?
Ding Bell: "Old Fashions"? Do you think you oughta drink while you're flying?
Tyler Fitzgerald: Well stop kidding, will ya, and make us some drinks! You just press the button back there marked "booze". It's the only way to fly!
Ding Bell: "Old Fashions"? Do you think you oughta drink while you're flying?
Tyler Fitzgerald: Well stop kidding, will ya, and make us some drinks! You just press the button back there marked "booze". It's the only way to fly!
Emmeline Finch: Oh Russell, I feel sick.
J. Russell Finch: Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know.
Mrs. Marcus: Now what kind of an attitude is that, "these things happen"? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say "these things happen," and that's why they happen! We gotta have control of what happens to us.
J. Russell Finch: Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know.
Mrs. Marcus: Now what kind of an attitude is that, "these things happen"? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say "these things happen," and that's why they happen! We gotta have control of what happens to us.
Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: In another couple of minutes, we'll have them in position, Colonel.
Col. Wilberforce: In another couple of minutes, men, we'll have you in position.
Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: [Sarcastically] You're doing a great job, Colonel.
Col. Wilberforce: Thank you.
Radio tower operator at Rancho Conejo: Why don't we just shoot them down and be through with it?
Col. Wilberforce: In another couple of minutes, men, we'll have you in position.
Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: [Sarcastically] You're doing a great job, Colonel.
Col. Wilberforce: Thank you.
Radio tower operator at Rancho Conejo: Why don't we just shoot them down and be through with it?
Otto Meyer: So, what's wrong with your wife?
Miner: That's the trouble, the doc's not sure. He says whatever it is, she's too sick even to be moved. She needs this special stuff and we haven't got a phone so I went to get it and that's when... Slow down, the turning is just up here.
Otto Meyer: Turning? You mean it's off the road?
Miner: Only a mile.
Otto Meyer: Now look, Pal, I'm in a hurry...
Miner: HOLD IT! Stop the car. Now listen, buddy, I'm sorry about your problems. But the doc said to hurry and this is my wife. Now come on, we turn right here.
Otto Meyer: But there isn't even a road...
Miner: LISTEN! Don't force me to get rough!
[Rips the horn ring off the steering wheel]
Miner: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bust up your car.
Otto Meyer: That's all right. You say it's a mile? Heck, a mile ain't asking too much.
Miner: That's the trouble, the doc's not sure. He says whatever it is, she's too sick even to be moved. She needs this special stuff and we haven't got a phone so I went to get it and that's when... Slow down, the turning is just up here.
Otto Meyer: Turning? You mean it's off the road?
Miner: Only a mile.
Otto Meyer: Now look, Pal, I'm in a hurry...
Miner: HOLD IT! Stop the car. Now listen, buddy, I'm sorry about your problems. But the doc said to hurry and this is my wife. Now come on, we turn right here.
Otto Meyer: But there isn't even a road...
Miner: LISTEN! Don't force me to get rough!
[Rips the horn ring off the steering wheel]
Miner: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bust up your car.
Otto Meyer: That's all right. You say it's a mile? Heck, a mile ain't asking too much.
Third Cab Driver: Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? Huh? Give me two minutes! Now listen to me, Sir, I...
[Looks back at Melville]
Melville Crump: Will you take us to Santa Rosita state park?
Third Cab Driver: What's the matter, what happened to you? What was ya, in some kind of initiation?
Melville Crump: We had an accident. We fell into yellow, all right? Hurry up!
[Looks back at Melville]
Melville Crump: Will you take us to Santa Rosita state park?
Third Cab Driver: What's the matter, what happened to you? What was ya, in some kind of initiation?
Melville Crump: We had an accident. We fell into yellow, all right? Hurry up!
J. Russell Finch: And I give you my word. My wife wanted to stop for you, I wanted to stop for you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by him...
Lennie Pike: Listen, anything you got to say about your mother in-law, you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? Like if she were the star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it.
Lennie Pike: Listen, anything you got to say about your mother in-law, you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? Like if she were the star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it.
J. Russell Finch: Here,
[pulls a blue bicycle from the mess of furniture that fell out of Pike's van]
J. Russell Finch: take this and go hire us the best car you can find.
Lennie Pike: But... this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.
J. Russell Finch: We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?
Lennie Pike: Oh okay... I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean?
[Pedals away on the bicycle]
[pulls a blue bicycle from the mess of furniture that fell out of Pike's van]
J. Russell Finch: take this and go hire us the best car you can find.
Lennie Pike: But... this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.
J. Russell Finch: We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?
Lennie Pike: Oh okay... I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean?
[Pedals away on the bicycle]
Benjy Benjamin: [in a hospital in bandages and casts] It's all your fault. It's all your fault right from the beginning to the end.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous.
Sylvester Marcus: Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no. You had to go and wrap up the whole scene, baby.
Ding Bell: We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.
Melville Crump: 14 into $350,000...
Ding Bell: [groans] Oh, shut up!
J. Algernon Hawthorne: You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous.
Sylvester Marcus: Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no. You had to go and wrap up the whole scene, baby.
Ding Bell: We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.
Melville Crump: 14 into $350,000...
Ding Bell: [groans] Oh, shut up!
Benjy Benjamin: [while Benji tries to fly the plane, Ding tries putting head phones on Benji's head] Hey, get outta here.
Ding Bell: Put them on.
Benjy Benjamin: I don't wanna.
Ding Bell: Benji, I tell you, he said the man who's flying should be talking on this thing.
Benjy Benjamin: What, am I supposed to everything? You want me to fly the airplane, you want me to work the radio, what are you gonna... What are you, the hostess?
Ding Bell: Put them on.
Benjy Benjamin: I don't wanna.
Ding Bell: Benji, I tell you, he said the man who's flying should be talking on this thing.
Benjy Benjamin: What, am I supposed to everything? You want me to fly the airplane, you want me to work the radio, what are you gonna... What are you, the hostess?
Otto Meyer: [Honking car as it pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage] Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, all right? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on!
[claps his hands over and over]
Otto Meyer: Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!
[claps his hands over and over]
Otto Meyer: Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [into a phone] Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened...
Ginger Culpeper: [voice] So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
Ginger Culpeper: The WHAT? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The tuna factory robbery! The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years!
Ginger Culpeper: [voice] So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
Ginger Culpeper: The WHAT? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The tuna factory robbery! The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years!
[last lines]
Mrs. Marcus: [as she, with Emmeline and Monica in tow, enter the prison hospital, right after Benjy throws the banana peel on the floor] Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...
[slips on the banana peel and falls back-first on the floor]
Sylvester Marcus: Mama!
[all the hospitalized men start laughing uproariously as Mrs. Marcus is taken away]
Mrs. Marcus: Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!
Mrs. Marcus: [as she, with Emmeline and Monica in tow, enter the prison hospital, right after Benjy throws the banana peel on the floor] Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...
[slips on the banana peel and falls back-first on the floor]
Sylvester Marcus: Mama!
[all the hospitalized men start laughing uproariously as Mrs. Marcus is taken away]
Mrs. Marcus: Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!
Emmeline Finch: I'm only thinking of Russell's condition.
Mrs. Marcus: You mean his financial condition, because that's the only condition that he has.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Emmeline, do you know why your husband had a nervous breakdown? It's because he has sunk $40,000, including $15,000 of my money into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4.00 a can.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah but WHAT?
J. Russell Finch: Well, most people like it and I like it, and I'm working hard trying to keep the cost down.
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah you were working hard trying to keep the cost down the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming.
Emmeline Finch: Mother!
Mrs. Marcus: Oh Emmeline, shut up!
[Russell starts to speak]
Mrs. Marcus: And you too!
Mrs. Marcus: You mean his financial condition, because that's the only condition that he has.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Emmeline, do you know why your husband had a nervous breakdown? It's because he has sunk $40,000, including $15,000 of my money into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4.00 a can.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah but WHAT?
J. Russell Finch: Well, most people like it and I like it, and I'm working hard trying to keep the cost down.
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah you were working hard trying to keep the cost down the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming.
Emmeline Finch: Mother!
Mrs. Marcus: Oh Emmeline, shut up!
[Russell starts to speak]
Mrs. Marcus: And you too!
J. Russell Finch: I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Look, wherever they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch.
J. Russell Finch: [mockingly] All right, we'll press on with all possible dispatch.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Look, wherever they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch.
J. Russell Finch: [mockingly] All right, we'll press on with all possible dispatch.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so.
Ding Bell: Ah, this is hopeless. We're gonna get noplace if we're gonna continue listening to this old bag.
Benjy Benjamin: What are you trying to do, lady? You trying to split us up so it becomes every man for himself?
Ding Bell: ...And every woman for HIMself?
Mrs. Marcus: One more funny remark from you, buster...
Benjy Benjamin: What are you trying to do, lady? You trying to split us up so it becomes every man for himself?
Ding Bell: ...And every woman for HIMself?
Mrs. Marcus: One more funny remark from you, buster...
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
[Everybody stares]
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Nothing will happen here for five minutes.
Secretary Schwartz: Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: No calls. No calls. No more calls.
Lt. Matthews: Something's wrong.
Police sergeant: Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.
[Everybody stares]
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Nothing will happen here for five minutes.
Secretary Schwartz: Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: No calls. No calls. No more calls.
Lt. Matthews: Something's wrong.
Police sergeant: Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.
Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: I'm sorry, we're closed. It's 12:00 on Sunday.
Melville Crump: It's 12:00, they're closed. WAIT A MINUTE! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...
Melville Crump: Dinckler. That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on.
Melville Crump: It's 12:00, they're closed. WAIT A MINUTE! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...
Melville Crump: Dinckler. That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on.
Melville Crump: The man said there was a certain amount of money buried down in this park.
Lennie Pike: That's right. It was under a big W. Say what is a big W?
Ding Bell: If we find out, we'll send you a wire.
Melville Crump: It's only a possibility now, it's only a possibility that this man was telling the truth. And if it was the truth, then it is a fact that this place is almost 200 miles away. Now I suggest that we quietly get into our cars and drive down there at a safe, sound speed, keeping each other in sight of each other. And then when we get down there, we dig up the money - providing there is some money there. And if we do find it, we share it amongst us in a simple manner.
Lennie Pike: That's right. It was under a big W. Say what is a big W?
Ding Bell: If we find out, we'll send you a wire.
Melville Crump: It's only a possibility now, it's only a possibility that this man was telling the truth. And if it was the truth, then it is a fact that this place is almost 200 miles away. Now I suggest that we quietly get into our cars and drive down there at a safe, sound speed, keeping each other in sight of each other. And then when we get down there, we dig up the money - providing there is some money there. And if we do find it, we share it amongst us in a simple manner.
Lennie Pike: This is stupid. You call me a "stupid idiot?" Well, let me tell you something. You're a "stupid idiot!"
Mrs. Marcus: But he'll go all the way to Plaster City.
Lennie Pike: So he goes all the way to Plaster City. I don't know about you, but I'm turning this thing around. Now, you wanna catch him? You get out and run!
Mrs. Marcus: But he'll go all the way to Plaster City.
Lennie Pike: So he goes all the way to Plaster City. I don't know about you, but I'm turning this thing around. Now, you wanna catch him? You get out and run!
Otto Meyer: [turns around to see a helicopter]
[shouts]
Otto Meyer: Look out!
Nervous Motorist: What? Wh-Who...?
Otto Meyer: Don't stop driving man. Keep going!
Nervous Motorist: What? What is it?
[turns around, sees the helicopter and spins back around]
Nervous Motorist: That's a police helicopter!
Otto Meyer: Yeah, that's what it looks like. They always use them.
Nervous Motorist: Who always uses them?
Otto Meyer: Who do you think?
[shouts]
Otto Meyer: Look out!
Nervous Motorist: What? Wh-Who...?
Otto Meyer: Don't stop driving man. Keep going!
Nervous Motorist: What? What is it?
[turns around, sees the helicopter and spins back around]
Nervous Motorist: That's a police helicopter!
Otto Meyer: Yeah, that's what it looks like. They always use them.
Nervous Motorist: Who always uses them?
Otto Meyer: Who do you think?
Otto Meyer: I haven't got much time, so if you love your country, if you're a patriot, you listen and you listen hard. You've got to get to a phone and you've got to make a call.
Nervous Motorist: I gotta make a call?
Otto Meyer: Yes, you gotta call Intelligence. Central Intelligence Agency, Washington D.C.
Nervous Motorist: Well what on earth...?
Otto Meyer: [shouts] Listen! All right, tell them you heard from X-27, you got it? X-27. X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life already today. They had me down a silver mine, they tried to drown me. Can you handle a gun? Okay. Ah! Good. There's a cafe. Pull right in there, you use that phone.
Nervous Motorist: Well, I don't...
Otto Meyer: Will you shut up! You're in no danger. They've never seen you. Now pull in.
[they drive into the parking lot]
Otto Meyer: All right, good, now get in there and tell the operator "Emergency priority" and then ask for the CIA. All right, jump out. Go on, you're not in any danger. They don't know you. You're all right. Look, I'll dock the car and come back for you. For God's sake, man, don't stand there in the street. They'll see you. They'll spot you! Go on. Get out!
Nervous Motorist: I gotta make a call?
Otto Meyer: Yes, you gotta call Intelligence. Central Intelligence Agency, Washington D.C.
Nervous Motorist: Well what on earth...?
Otto Meyer: [shouts] Listen! All right, tell them you heard from X-27, you got it? X-27. X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life already today. They had me down a silver mine, they tried to drown me. Can you handle a gun? Okay. Ah! Good. There's a cafe. Pull right in there, you use that phone.
Nervous Motorist: Well, I don't...
Otto Meyer: Will you shut up! You're in no danger. They've never seen you. Now pull in.
[they drive into the parking lot]
Otto Meyer: All right, good, now get in there and tell the operator "Emergency priority" and then ask for the CIA. All right, jump out. Go on, you're not in any danger. They don't know you. You're all right. Look, I'll dock the car and come back for you. For God's sake, man, don't stand there in the street. They'll see you. They'll spot you! Go on. Get out!
Police radio voice unit F-7: F7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in the hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We've got to let them out!
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Ahhh. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Ummm. Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [to Police Sergeant] Are you happy?
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We've got to let them out!
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Ahhh. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Ummm. Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [to Police Sergeant] Are you happy?
Police radio voice unit F-7: [voice] F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We gotta let them out.
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But, the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick 'em up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Uh uh, it's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me? I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody. Otherwise, it just ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We gotta let them out.
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But, the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick 'em up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Uh uh, it's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me? I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody. Otherwise, it just ain't fair.
