Jane Austen's Mafia!

Jane Austen's Mafia! Quotes

Takeoff on the Godfather with the son of a mafia king taking over for his dying father

Anthony Cortino: You lost a lot of blood but we found most of it.
Diane: I'm always going to be That Protestant Chick Who Never Killed Anybody!
Anthony Cortino: Some would argue that the Mafia is a bad thing, that it uses its power to undermine law and order, to promote the very lowest forms of human behavior. Of course, that's all true, but in the end, maybe it's worth it.
[to his girlfriend, discovered sleeping with his brother]
Anthony Cortino: How could you do this? A total stranger I could understand. You and another woman, maybe. Me, you and another woman, definitely! But my own brother?
[Emerges soaking wet from a bathroom stall, and sees everyone staring at him, and so he hurriedly attempts to explain his drenched and disheveled appearance]
Anthony Cortino: El Niño.
Anthony Cortino: I'm not my father, Diane, just like you're not your father. If we were our fathers, what we did last night would only be legal in Arkansas.
Pepper Gianini: All right all right! But we didn't actually SLEEP!
Vincenzo Cortino: [saying a toast] Marriage is like a piece of cheese.
Giant hitman: Say hello to my little friend.
[opens his coat to reveal a midget with a gun]
Anthony Cortino: Diane, would you excuse us?
Diane: Oh, yeah, sure. If you need me, I'll be up on the bidet.
Anthony Cortino: If you prick a murderer, does he not leave a blood trail all the way back to his Rockingham estate?
Anthony Cortino: [home from the war] I got you a souvenir.
Dominick Clamato: Oh, wow! A North Korean!
Anthony Cortino: Criminals are people, too!
Anthony Cortino: Gianini... any Sicilian in you?
Pepper Gianini: Not since last night.
Gorgoni: [shot in the head at close range] I can hear the ocean.
Diane: Ooh, Italian food!

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