After his career is sidelined from an unexpected tragedy and a personal blowup, a single man must take care of his precocious daughter.

Will Smith: What's your daughter's name?
Ollie: Gertrude.
Will Smith: Damn, why'd you do that man?
Ollie: Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.
Ollie: "Cats" is the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City.
Maya: I do it at least twice a day.
Ollie: Good God!
Maya: Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.
Girl #1: My mom and dad are very religious. At night I hear them scream "Jesus"!
Gertrude Steiney: [very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs] You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!
Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.
Gertrude Steiney: [now crying] I wanna be a coked-out whore!
Maya: That was kinda sweet. I'm kinda crushin' on you right now, Trinke.
Ollie: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?
Bart: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.
Gertie: Punch it, Chewie.
Boy #5: Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.
Ollie: Why don't you go get yourself a boyfriend?
Maya: Why don't you go get yourself a girlfriend?
Ollie: I spend all day working and spend all night with my kid.
Maya: So you would rather spend time with your daughter than get laid?
Ollie: Yeah.
Maya: That's sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you, Trinke.
Ollie: [to Gertie] You're the only thing I was ever good at.
Gertie: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not MOMMY!
Ollie: I hate you right back you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!
Bart: Try acting like a father, shit-head.
Bryan: [reading his paper] My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he's so full of sh - .
Teacher: [interrupts him before he swears] Bryan!
[after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on]
Ollie: Do you have any questions about what you saw?
Gertie: [thinking hard] Do you have what Brian has?
Ollie: Yes.
Gertie: [after thinking hard again] Is it as big as his?
Ollie: Sadly, yes.
Ollie: Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!
[first lines]
Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...
Teacher: [class: "Are!"] And what they...
Teacher: [class: "Mean to us!"] Excellent droning.
Bart: You know, you really had me scared for a moment there.
Ollie: Awww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright!
Bart: Not that, smart-ass.
Ollie: [having just been asked to come to the bar with Gertie and Bart] No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?
Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.
Ollie: That 'juice' is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
Bart: It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.
[last lines]
Gertie: Thank you, Daddy.
Ollie: Anything for you, Gert. You know why?
Gertie: Why?
Ollie: 'Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at.
Maya: Man cannot live on porn alone.
Gertie: Did Mommy like New York?
Ollie: Yeah, she loved it.
Gertie: Then I guess I will too.
Ollie: They're just skinny because they're coked out whores.
Gertrude Steiney: [sobbing] I wanna' be a coked-out whore!
Ollie: Okay. You can be a coked-out whore. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.
Bart: If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.
Ollie: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.
Bart: That's right, she is. But you ain't. And neither is that kid.
Boy #3: My Mom says my Dad has brown eyes because he is full of shit.
[Gertie and Ollie are at a video store]
Gertie: You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing."
Ollie: l should? Should l say, ''Nobody puts Baby in a corner''?
Gertie: Oh, can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again?
Ollie: Ohh... "Dirty Dancing" ranks one notch below "Cats" in my book. Can you pick out something else?
Gertie: Can we rent this?
[gives Ollie the box to "Men in Black"]
Ollie: [while examining the movie] Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section.
Gertie: All those movies suck!
Ollie: Watch your language!
[Ollie grabs a video from the adult video section]
Bart: Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.
Greenie: You gettin' a dog?
[Maya arrives at the front door]
Gertie: [to Maya] Hey! You're the lady from the video store.
Ollie: Let's not use that term too loosely, okay? Go back and watch your video.
Ollie: George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?
Will Smith: 'Ey, you Brickman?
Ollie: No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.

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