Jingle All the Way Quotes
A father needs to get a Turbo Man action figure for his son just before Christmas. Unfotunately, every store is sold out of Turbo Man figures, and he must travel all over town and compete with everybody else to find a Turbo Man figure.
Myron Larabee: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. And then they sit there and they make your children feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!
Howard Langston: [after getting at a toddler for taking his prize ball and putting it in her mouth in attempting to get it back, he is being ambushed by a bunch of disgusted mothers who misunderstood his socially unacceptable behavior and are calling him a pervert] I'm not a pervert! I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll!
[last lines]
Liz: Howard, I've been thinking... everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him.
[Howard nods]
Liz: And if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder...
Howard Langston: What?
Liz: [smiling] What did you get me?
[the camera crash-zooms to Howard with a look of horror on his face]
Liz: Howard, I've been thinking... everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him.
[Howard nods]
Liz: And if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder...
Howard Langston: What?
Liz: [smiling] What did you get me?
[the camera crash-zooms to Howard with a look of horror on his face]
Howard Langston: [the second time on the phone, he still can't get Liz] Jamie, let me talk to your mother.
Jamie Langston: You can't.
Howard Langston: Why?
Jamie Langston: She's next door petting Ted.
[he means a reindeer that Ted got Johnny who just then named after him, and without clarifying it, Howard misunderstands it]
Howard Langston: [aggravated] She's what?
Jamie Langston: You can't.
Howard Langston: Why?
Jamie Langston: She's next door petting Ted.
[he means a reindeer that Ted got Johnny who just then named after him, and without clarifying it, Howard misunderstands it]
Howard Langston: [aggravated] She's what?
Chain Smoking Booster: Finally! Wherever the hell have you been? Gee, I've been sweatin' like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up! Well, it's showtime!
[puts on his Booster mask]
Howard Langston: I know you. You're Booster!
Chain Smoking Booster: [behind his mask] Yeah! And whoever do you think you are? Mary Poppins?
[puts on his Booster mask]
Howard Langston: I know you. You're Booster!
Chain Smoking Booster: [behind his mask] Yeah! And whoever do you think you are? Mary Poppins?
[Howard tries to grab the doll]
Mall Santa: [Santa stops him] Ah! That'll be three hundred.
Howard Langston: Dollars?
Mall Santa: No, chocolate kisses; yes, dollars!
Howard Langston: I can't believe this, whatever happened to your lofty ideas huh? I though you're doing all this for the kids.
Mall Santa: Well sure, but I don't see why we can't pick up a little loose change in the process.
Mall Santa: [Santa stops him] Ah! That'll be three hundred.
Howard Langston: Dollars?
Mall Santa: No, chocolate kisses; yes, dollars!
Howard Langston: I can't believe this, whatever happened to your lofty ideas huh? I though you're doing all this for the kids.
Mall Santa: Well sure, but I don't see why we can't pick up a little loose change in the process.
Howard Langston: I couldn't find the kid a doll. Now, does that make me a bad father? No. But yelling at him for no good reason. Now, that makes me a bad father.
Myron: Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up!
Howard Langston: I remember a few years ago, I really wanted to do something special for Jamie. So, I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh , well the door was a little crooked, right? The roof didn't sit quite right. But you should have seen his face light up! Ah, when he saw that, he was so excited. We played in that clubhouse the entire day. He even made us Christmas dinner in it.
Myron: [surprised] No!
Howard Langston: Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now.
Myron: You're right. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man.
Howard Langston: Oh, don't say that.
Myron: Mmm-hmm. I know what I'm talking about. See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy. A Johnny 7 OMA gun. You remember those, don't you?
Howard Langston: No.
Myron: I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday. Two kids playing out in the backyard.
[imitating the whole play]
Myron: The thing looked like a blast. But, of course for my old man, Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down. I never did get that Johnny 7 OMA.
Howard Langston: Sorry to hear that.
Myron: Ah, it don't mean nothing. Have you ever heard of a guy named Scott Sherman?
Howard Langston: Yeah. The CEO of Sherman Industries.
Myron: Well, he was my old neighbor. And his dad got him a Johnny 7 OMA gun. You know what happened? He became a billionaire. And me, well, I'm just a loser with no future.
Myron: Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up!
Howard Langston: I remember a few years ago, I really wanted to do something special for Jamie. So, I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh , well the door was a little crooked, right? The roof didn't sit quite right. But you should have seen his face light up! Ah, when he saw that, he was so excited. We played in that clubhouse the entire day. He even made us Christmas dinner in it.
Myron: [surprised] No!
Howard Langston: Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now.
Myron: You're right. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man.
Howard Langston: Oh, don't say that.
Myron: Mmm-hmm. I know what I'm talking about. See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy. A Johnny 7 OMA gun. You remember those, don't you?
Howard Langston: No.
Myron: I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday. Two kids playing out in the backyard.
[imitating the whole play]
Myron: The thing looked like a blast. But, of course for my old man, Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down. I never did get that Johnny 7 OMA.
Howard Langston: Sorry to hear that.
Myron: Ah, it don't mean nothing. Have you ever heard of a guy named Scott Sherman?
Howard Langston: Yeah. The CEO of Sherman Industries.
Myron: Well, he was my old neighbor. And his dad got him a Johnny 7 OMA gun. You know what happened? He became a billionaire. And me, well, I'm just a loser with no future.
Mall Santa: We're not just doing this for us. We're doing it for the kids. For every kid who ever sat on Santa's lap. For every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night. For every little boy who opens a package Christmas morning and finds clothes instead of toys. It breaks my heart.
DJ: Excuse me, gentlemen, are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?
Howard Langston: Yes.
Myron Larabee: That's what you said on the radio.
DJ: Oh, no.
Myron Larabee: Yes it is.
DJ: No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. See...
[chuckles]
DJ: What we have here... is a gift certificate.
Howard Langston, Myron Larabee: A gift certificate?
DJ: Right.
Howard Langston: Yes.
Myron Larabee: That's what you said on the radio.
DJ: Oh, no.
Myron Larabee: Yes it is.
DJ: No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. See...
[chuckles]
DJ: What we have here... is a gift certificate.
Howard Langston, Myron Larabee: A gift certificate?
DJ: Right.
[on the phone with Jamie after a grueling morning searching for a Turbo Man doll, Jamie quotes something from Turbo Man to him, and momentarily unaware that Jamie knows nothing about his situation, he finally loses it]
Howard: Enough with this Turbo Man! I have had it up to here with this Turbo Man! If there's anybody I don't want advice from right now, it's Turbo Man!
Howard: Enough with this Turbo Man! I have had it up to here with this Turbo Man! If there's anybody I don't want advice from right now, it's Turbo Man!
Officer: Maybe you shouldn't mess with that.
Officer Hummel: Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years.
[does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio]
Officer Hummel: Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.
[he rips open the package]
Myron Larabee: [the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock, and even Myron looks shocked] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!
Officer: How many years on the bomb squad?
[Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred]
Officer Hummel: Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years.
[does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio]
Officer Hummel: Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.
[he rips open the package]
Myron Larabee: [the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock, and even Myron looks shocked] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!
Officer: How many years on the bomb squad?
[Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred]
