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Set in the 1930's, an honest, goodhearted man is forced to turn to a life of crime to finance his neurotic mother's skyrocketing medical bills.
Roman Moroni: I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves.
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't grab me, Johnny. My mother grabbed me once... ONCE!
Warden: Your turn, Johnny. The priest you've requested has arrived. Charley: [pretending to be a priest] Are you ready, my son? Johnny Dangerously: I'm ready if you are, father. Charley: Dominus vobiscum nabisco. Espiritu sanctum. De gustibus. Prisoner: [hands Johnny a part of a tommy gun] So long, Johnny. Charley: Me gustibus. You gustibus. We missed the bus. They missed the bus. Prisoner: [hands Johnny another piece of the gun] Be brave, huh, Johnny. Charley: When's the next bus? Johnny Dangerously: [begins putting the gun together behind the wardens back] Always, Nails. Charley: Summa cum laude. Magna cum laude. The radio's too laude. Adeste fidelis. Prisoner: [gives Johnny another piece] Good luck, Johnny. Charley: Centra fidelis. High fidelis. Johnny Dangerously: [struggling to put it together] Why didn't I take shop? Charley: Post meridian. Ante meridian. Uncle meridian. All of the little meridians. Prisoner: [adds another piece] Bye bye, Johnny. Johnny Dangerously: [adds piece to gun] Bye, Rock. Charley: Magna carta. Master charga. Prisoner: [hands piece to Johnny] Spit in his eye, Johnny! Johnny Dangerously: [finishes putting the gun together] OK, rabbi. Charley: [opens his bible to reveal the guns clip] Dum procellas. Lotsa Vitalis. Warden: Any last words, Johnny? [gun cocks] Warden: [turns to see Johnny pointing a tommy gun at him] Well said!
Johnny Dangerously: The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously. Lil: Did you know you're last name is an adverb?
Jocko Dundee: How's tricks, Moroni? Roman Moroni: What are you doing here, icehole? Jocko Dundee: Hey, can't a fellow enjoy a night out gambling with some of his pals? Roman Moroni: Don't bullshtein me. [to one of his men] Roman Moroni: Search this somanabatch.
[Ma Kelly is pouring drinks for everybody] Tommy Kelly: Mom, it's prohibition! Ma Kelly: Oh, shut up! Stop acting like some fag choir boy!
Danny Vermin: I AM handicapped: I'm psychotic.
Danny Vermin: I've been fulfilling a lot of people's prophecies about me; I've become a real scumbag.
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!
[Leaving a crime scene with his sidekick, Dutch] Danny Vermin: Hey, doll, how'd you like to make some money? Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: One at a time, or both of you together?
Johnny Dangerously: The years hadn't softened Moronie. He continued to murder the English Language, and anyone who got in his way.
Johnny Dangerously: You got those. I like those on a woman.
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't kick me in the balls, Mrs. Kelly. My sister kicked me in the balls once... [Stumbles in pain]
Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: [when Vermin walks on the floor while she is mopping it] Oh, you lousy, Wop, Slovak, Chink, Jap, Polack, Mick, Krauts, Hebe fags!
Lil: Get this to Johnny on the grapevine. Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the savoy theater tomorrow night. Got it? Polly the parrot: Got it. [flies away] Polly the parrot: [arrives at prison mess hall and lands on the shoulder of a prisoner] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater. Pass it on. Prisoner: [to the next prisoner sitting next to him] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on. Prisoner: [to the next prisoner, "telephone" style] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's mother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on. Prisoner: [to the next prisoner] Vermin's mother is going to kill Johnny tonight at the Savoy theater. Pass it on. Prisoner: [to the next prisoner] [unintelligible] Prisoner: ... at the Savoy. Pass it on. Prisoner: There's a message through the grapevine, Johnny. Johnny Dangerously: Yeah? What is it? Prisoner: Johnny and the Mothers are playing "Stompin' at the Savoy" in Vermont tonight. Johnny Dangerously: Vermin's going to kill my brother at the Savoy theater tonight. Prisoner: I didn't say that. Johnny Dangerously: No, but I know this grapevine.
Roman Moroni: Why you miserable cork-soaker!
Roman Moroni: This is fargin war!
Danny Vermin: I got something to stop him. Dutch: They made it for him special. It's an eighty-eight Magnum. Danny Vermin: This goes through armor and it goes through the victim... through the wall... through a tree outside. It shoots through schools.
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't have shot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once...
Danny Vermin: Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.
Ma Kelly: Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!
Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: [when Johnny walks on the floor while she is mopping it] Dirty Jew! Shanty nigger! White-trash bastard! Go ahead, walk all over the little people!
Danny Vermin: This goes through armor. And through the victim, through the wall, through a tree outside...
Roman Moroni: You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches. My own club!
Danny Vermin: I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things.
Ma Kelly: The Lower East Side. This really sucks.
Young Johnny: Dr. Magnus, how's my mother? Dr. Magnus: It's her pancreas again, Johnny. She's gonna need an operation immediately. Young Johnny: How much is it gonna cost? Dr. Magnus: $49.95 Young Johnny: $49.95? Dr. Magnus: This week only. Young Johnny: Where am I gonna get that kind of money? Dr. Magnus: Why don't you knock over a gas station?
[In the middle of a trial] Tommy Kelly: ...that Roman Troy Maronie was responsible for: the Mother's Day Massacre, The Christmas Day Slaughter, The Lincoln's Birthday Mutilations, and The Groundhog's Day Be-headings!
Tommy Kelly: Sally's place is in the home and I intend to support her and I'll do anything - shine boots, drive a hack, blow glass. Anything.
Chorus Girl: I'm not wearing a bra, Johnny. Johnny Dangerously: Yeah? Well that makes two of us.
Lil: So when I was 18 I left home and came here to Chicago. Johnny Dangerously: Uh Lil, this ain't Chicago. We're in New York. Lil: You're kidding. [pause] Lil: Well, New York, Chicago, to a girl on her own, it's all the same.
Roman Moroni: Okey! You and the rest of your bastages can gamble, but don't try no fargin trick, otherwise you wind up with your bells in a sling.
Tommy Kelly: Oh God! How do you get laid in 1930?
Johnny Dangerously: Commissioner, there's all the evidence against me, just like I promised you. Use it. I'm ready to pay my debt. [No response from Commissioner] Johnny Dangerously: Hey, how about a thank you? [Johnny notices that the Commissioner is dead] Johnny Dangerously: Hey, how about me getting out of here? [Johnny turns to leave but is hit on the head] Johnny Dangerously: Hey, how about me getting knocked out? [He falls]
Ma Kelly: I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid. You wanna hump your brains out. Vavoom, vavoom, vavoom!
Tommy Kelly: You were gonna take a bullet for me. Johnny Kelly: Actually, I was just counting on a lot of missing.
Tommy Kelly: [Ma Kelly pours a shot for Tommy] Mom, it's Prohibition. Ma Kelly: Aw, shut up! Stop acting like a fag choir boy.
Johnny Dangerously: Alright here it is. Johnny Dangerously is going legit. Member of Dundee's gang: Le-what? Johnny Dangerously: Legit. Charley: Le-why? Danny Vermin: I'll tell you le-why. Because Johnny Dangerously is really Johnny Kelly, brother of the D.A., Tommy Kelly.
Ma Kelly: Open up! It's Ma Kelly! Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: [opens her door] What do you want? Get out of here. Ma Kelly: I got to talk to you. Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: We don't have nothing to say to each other. Ma Kelly: We got plenty to say to each other. We got a lot in common. Mary-Margaret Catharine Dineen: Yeah, what? Ma Kelly: We both scrub floors. We're both swell lookers. And neither one of us is Chinese.
Johnny Kelly: Hi Dr. Magnus. How's my mother? Dr. Magnus: It's her thyroid, Johnny. Johnny Kelly: What's wrong with it? Dr. Magnus: We can't find it. Gonna have to do a thyroid search. Johnny Kelly: How much is that gonna cost? Dr. Magnus: You're in luck. This week a special. $999 dollars.
Johnny Dangerously: [narrating in a flashback] Times were good in America. There was plenty of everything: jobs, security, laughs. America was in great shape, except for the President, William Howard Taft. Was *he* a porker. At 310 lbs. he weighed as much as Teddy Roosevelt and half of William McKinley. Immigrants poured into the country from all over the world looking for a better life for their children. And over 97% of them settled into a 2-block area of New York City.
Johnny Dangerously: I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to. What's your last name? Hood: Binderhoff. Johnny Dangerously: Binderhoff? Perfect. Keep that name and you'll stay out of trouble.
Johnny Dangerously: [after bathroom has exploded] Take it easy! Jocko Dundee: Take it easy? I'm standing here with my dork in my hand!
Prisoner: Johnny and the Mothers are playin' Stompin' At the Savoy in Vermont tonight.
Ma Kelly: With a father like "Killer" Kelly, it's a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece 'o shit criminal!
[after his sabotaged toilet explodes] Jocko Dundee: [to Johnny] You got the number of that other plumber?
[Upon learning Johnny is the D.A.'s brother] Charley: Johnny, is this true? 'Cause if it is, [pause] Charley: I don't know how to react!
[Johnny sees a steaming pot on the stove] Johnny Dangerously: Whatcha cookin' here ma? Ma Kelly: Beer. Johnny Dangerously: With noodles! Great idea!
Lil: And shelf paper! Oh, Johnny, I *love* shelf paper!
Ma Kelly: I love em', but one day I'm gonna knock em' on his ass.
Johnny Dangerously: Ma, you got to take better care of yourself. I don't want you living like this. I don't want you doing other people's laundry. Ma Kelly: What are you saying? Give up me career?
Newspaper Headline: Roman Moroni Deported to Sweden. Says He's Not From There.
Tommy Kelly: Sally's place is in the home, and I intend to support her, and I'll do anything - shine boots, drive a hack, blow glass - anything.
D.A. Burr: (On Johnny Dangerously's payroll) Why don't you ease into the job, by taking a vacation? Tommy Kelly: But what about crime? D.A. Burr: Don't worry. It'll still be here when you get back!
Johnny Kelly: Say kid, what do they call you? Lil: Impressive.
Desk Sergeant: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the look out for... now listen to this: Dangerously and accomplices dressed as nuns driving a sedan covered with... oh you'll love this... duckies and bunnies. Desk Sergeant: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Come to Dooley's bar and grill. I'm buyin'.
Ma Kelly: You've gotten to be like a daughter to me and I wanna share somethin' with ya. Lil: Awww, what's that Mom Kelley? Ma Kelly: I go both ways. Lil: Oh.
Johnny Dangerously: Hey Pope, why don't you go build yourself a new gym at the Vatican.
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