After a sudden attack on the MI5, Johnny English, Britain's most confident yet unintelligent spy, becomes Britain's only spy.

Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English.
Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Pegasus: Well, we need to get these jewels back, English, and fast. Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.
Johnny English: Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.
Pegasus: But he's the only lead we've got, English. We have to find him. Now, come in. This is - This is Roger from Data Support. Please sit down. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
Johnny English: Um... Well... He was... big.
Roger: Hair colour?
Johnny English: Um... orange.
Pegasus: Orange?
Johnny English: Mmm. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.
Roger: Frizzy.
Johnny English: An eye patch. Broken nose. Very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek in the shape... of a banana.
Roger: Which cheek?
Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.
Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?
[Pegasus shows him what Roger has done on his computer of the assailant Johnny had described and he gasps]
Johnny English: Oh, yes, that's him. An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.
[in a sushi bar, the waiter brings glasses of saké; English and Campbell toast each other]
Lorna Campbell: [in Japanese] Cheers.
Johnny English: [in Japanese] May all your daughters be born with three bottoms.
Pegasus' Secretary: There are some items you need to sign before your briefing. Here is your new retinal ID card. And this is your Level 9 security clearance. Sign and date, please.
[the secretary hands English a pen, but he puts it down and picks up another, gold-plated pen, pointing it towards the secretary]
Johnny English: Ah, reminds me of the old service-issue ballpoint. I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but click it twice...
[there is a muffled explosion from the pen and the secretary collapses on the floor]
Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man: They've taken some of my blood.
Johnny English: The bastards.
[Johnny and Bough are in a dark tunnel]
Johnny English: It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
Bough: Can we, sir? How?
Johnny English: The Bedouin monks of the Al Maghreb mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.
Bough: I see, sir.
Johnny English: The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
Bough: Brilliant, sir.
Johnny English: However, you must always sing in E-flat.
Johnny English: [singing] Thank you for the music / The songs I'm singing
Bough: Is it working, sir?
Johnny English: Extremely well, thank you, Bough.
Johnny English: [singing] Thanks for all the joy that...
[Johnny hits the tunnel wall]
Johnny English: Ow!
[Lorna sees Sauvage the Frenchman standing just behind English, who thinks that he's just another waiter in the party, not knowing that it's truly Sauvage, who also listens to everything they say]
Lorna Campbell: You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Savage.
Johnny English: No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.
[English chuckles, then attemps to take a drink out of his glass, but just then notices Sauvage standing right behind him, not realizing that it's actually him instead of just one of the waiters, and that he has just heard English's insult]
Johnny English: [looking over at him] Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage: [into English's face] Pascal Sauvage.
[Sauvage reaches out to shake Lorna's hand]
Pascal Sauvage: The jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.
Pascal Sauvage: Enchanté.
[English is now looking dumbstruck and stammering in embarrassment]
Pascal Sauvage: Of course, you are Johnny English. I've heard all about you. And between you and me, I'm not so keen on the French myself.
Pegasus: English, we can't afford any mistakes. Not tonight.
Johnny English: The word "mistake", Sir, is not one that appears in my dictionary.
[Bough and Johnny fall down a large hole]
Bough: Are you all right, sir?
Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.
Bough: That was me, sir.
Johnny English: Ah. Good.
[Johnny English appears from the room, with tomato ketchup as blood]
Johnny English: I've managed to subdue the assailant. The panic's over. Everything's under control.
Johnny English: Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words "Jesus is coming, look busy"?
Archbishop of Canterbury: Are you insane?
Johnny English: Well, let's find out, shall we?
Johnny English: Not so fast Savauge! You may have taken me but you will never take England! Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun!
[English pulls the trigger and human feces pops out]
Official at Funeral: Everything in order, English?
Johnny English: I think you'll find it's rather more than just in order, Sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England.
[a bomb explodes in the distance, killing all the British agents]
[English is whistling a note that is gradually rising in pitch, to find the resonant frequency which will unlock the door of the prison cell]
Lorna Campbell: I can't hear anything.
Johnny English: I'm into ultrasonic.
Radio Newsreader: Pascal is accused of treason, and if convicted faces the death penalty. He says in that eventuality he would like to donate his brain to the study of the causes of hypomanic schizophrenia.
Johnny English: My *bottom* will be king of England before you are.
Lorna Campbell: Get your car keys. We've got work to do.
Johnny English: Miss Campbell.
Lorna Campbell: Sauvage is heading back to his chateau in France and he's invited 13 of the richest criminal masterminds in the world to meet him there.
Johnny English: I'm sorry, Miss Campbell. I'm off the case. It's been reassigned.
Lorna Campbell: I know. Reassigned to me.
Pascal Sauvage: [ranting] All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it is told for one miserable day, but can it do that?
[Sauvage bends over and points his bottom at the audience]
Pascal Sauvage: [ranting] My fragrant French arse it can't!
Carlos Vendetta: That's a letter of abdication renouncing your claims to the throne and the claims of your entire family. Sign it.
[the Queen reads the abdication sign and puts her pen down]
Queen: Never.
[Vendetta picks up the Queen's dog and threatens to shoot it. The Queen solemnly signs the abdication note]
[Johnny and Lorna lean in to kiss each other and right before they kiss, Johnny accidentally presses the eject button with his elbow]
Lorna Campbell: Aaaaaah! Johnny!
Johnny English: Oh, F...
Johnny English: A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains.
[Johnny has just been accidentally crowned King]
Johnny English: Arrest that man! And lock him away!
[crowd cheers]
Bough: Shall we call for back-up sir?
Johnny English: What? And watch some fat-bottomed bobby make our arrest for us? I don't think so.
Lorna Campbell: What are you going to do? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to get out there and save your country?
Johnny English: ...I'm going to sit in the flat.
[first lines]
Johnny English: Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.
Archbishop of Canterbury: And do you, the chosen Bishops of England, Wales and Scotland, assent to this anointment?
Scottish Bishop: For Scotland I do.
Welsh Bishop: For Wales I do.
Johnny English: For England
[Pulls off bishop's clothing]
Johnny English: *I do not*!
Pascal Sauvage: English has seen too much. We go to plan B. Get rid of the fake archbishop and greenlight the visit to Her Majesty and then this pathetic country can humiliate itself by crowning me officially.
Johnny English: All right, so I was wrong about the Archbishop's bottom.
Johnny English: Look pull yourself together, it's only a bit of poo.

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